[Loveless]

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen,

It has been around a week since I stopped contacting her, but every few days she has sent out text messages and then not replied to mine for a couple of days. I don't really understand why she would try to initiate contact and then completely ignore me, especially as it was her that wanted and needed space. I really don't think that she cares or has any feelings for me, a mindset that is definitely helping me recover, but it would help if I could begin to understand her behaviour. Also, I forgot to mention that I did not respond to one of her texts for a couple of days, so I guess she could have misinterpreted that as me choosing to ignore her and reciprocated that accordingly.

I've had the roughest month of my life because we were away together for a fortnight after she ended the relationship, and everyday just killed me inside. We backpacked to M orocco for a charity, spending a few nights in P aris and then moving down to Spain and going down the coastline past Barcelona and then taking a ferry to Mellila. Paris was especially romantic and culminated in one night-time when we kissed under the Eiffel tower at midnight, went to a restaurant, then to a great hotel in an area called Abbesses on the outskirts of the city, and had a great night. I knew that she felt something too just from her kisses... but the next day something switched and she just went cold. Also, keep in mind that this night occurred after she basically ended the relationship, and I asked her to just go on the trip as planned and see how we got along.

The rest of the trip was just me trying to pretend that I am happy when I was dying inside. I read another post here that really touched me and to paraphrase what the poster said, it really is soul breaking lying next to a person you love that can't even look you in the eye, and just turns around with their back to you. On one of the last few nights in Morocco, we were in the Merzougan desert, lying outside of the traditional Berber tent and looking up at the clear night sky, talking about all the constellations and star signs that we recognised and watching all the shooting stars, when I felt that she should know how I felt... So I told her that I loved her, and she basically responded by turning around and going to sleep, which just left me heartbroken. Even though I didn't sleep that night, at least I saw the sunrise, when everybody else was still snoring!

The situation is also really complicated because right now we live in the same halls of residence in university, and will be living in the same house net year... so I will have to break the no contact rule next term, which starts at the end of next week. I still love her, and would love her with all my heart if she would only let me, but she has also hurt me a lot in the process. Also, I have left been feeling that it has been my fault, because she felt pressured in the relationship. We did see each other everyday for a period of two months, and of course I didn't want to make her feel smothered, but that must have been how she felt. Moreover, and this is what hurt me the most, she accused me of being too rough with her! This is not related to sex or anything, just how I treated her... For example, she had a lot of work to do and would get stressed about deadlines, so I would gently turn her face away from her laptop to kiss her, or kneel back her chair and try to give her a shoulder massage, or just hug her to try and make her feel good. Hearing how she characterised my actions as being rough just made me feel unimaginably bad, particularly because there has been a lot of domestic abuse in my household when I was growing up, and I would never treat a woman badly. I seriously never considered that I could kill her feelings by... doing what I did.

I don't even know what to say now... I also have quite a few bad thoughts circling around in my head, about me just being a rebound guy and her already finding someone else. I still love her, but don't know what to do.

I've read previous advice, and I am trying to follow it by concentrating on myself and my life, but I need more time, which I can't really get because of that commitment to university and the inevitability that I will see her almost everyday there...