Thanks Sphynxx. The problem I had was trying to work on myself while being in the relationship. The reasons why I broke with her the prior two times was that I started losing myself. I've been depressed practically my entire life but never sought help. I would get in high states then low ones. When I was by myself--meaning not in a relationship I would be extremely motivated. Went to the gym religiously, practiced my instrument 8 hours a day, graduated from college, and always kept busy. During the time with her I lost myself, became extremely depressed, although went back to school to get a second degree.
I broke with her because I could not love myself even though she was my world and I loved her. She said we could work through the problems but we never did. No communication, so I guess I drained her. She would always travel to my house every weekend 50 miles just to be with me. However we would not do anything. She would always like to sleep watch tv, go shopping, and go out to dinner. Although I loved her dearly, with her I had no inspiration. I gained 70 pounds and was no longer in shape. I would just do my thing on the computer, like projects while she read and watched tv. I would neglect her. Let her do her thing while I do mine. She is now bitter and says I never appreciated her.
Also I became very bitter with life, having 2 degrees, no connections, and at the same dead end server job I had for the last 8 years and present. I was living in a constant state of road rage. A total human racist--I hated everyone and would even blame her for me gaining weight, for her sleeping all the time, not dressing sexy enough, not wanting to do anything. I would constantly complain to her letting her know how much I hated the world.
Even though I loved her I couldn't separate misery from bliss. And at the end when our intimacy went way down I told her I could not take it anymore. After a day of silence I said it wasn't going to work. She agreed and told me to "go find a slut, you'll never be happy, and I always felt I loved you more than you loved me."
So now I'm not only living with regret for the things that I have done, but also for the things I did not do. |