View Full Version : Who's to blame?

12-26-2008, 11:14 AM
After all this time I cant believe I sat here day and night blaming myself for what went wrong in our relationship. Over the past few days the water started to clear and I can see more clearly now. Two words come to mind, selfish and compromise. Yea you were never willing to compromise, we always did what you wanted to do and did things how you wanted to do them. That brings me to my second point, you are one selfish person. How could you sit there and point out all that I have done wrong without seeing your own flaws? Wanting me to change the very person that I am as you sit back and watch me become a puppet. You never changed any aspect of your life for me, why did I try and change for you? Well because I am not selfish and I loved you. I loved you enough to change a few things in order to make you happy. When we broke up you said I had some things I needed to still change....Ok I agree but looking back you have many things YOU need to change as well. I refuse to sit back and watch you live your life as if I am in this situation because of my failures as a boyfriend. How did I fail I always put your needs before mine. You on the other hand did not return the same. THAT was the root of my problems giving 110% to you and getting 85% back. True I know you loved me but the thing is we would never work out. We would never work out because after time if you would have never left, I would have. I refuse to be with someone who only thinks of themself. Sure selfishness at times is waranted but not all the time. So I will end on this note...I truely wish you the best you are going to make someone very happy, just not this guy. I think I shall be cocky and selfish for once, after you and your new B/F have been together for awhile something will hit you. I dont know what it is but one day you will say to yourself "god I miss Josh, he really was not that bad". I pitty you on that day because when you come back I will no longer be around.


12-26-2008, 04:40 PM
Wow, very similar to the way I feel. I know I made mistakes and wasn't perfect, there's no doubt about it, but when she said she wasn't happy, I asked what I could do to fix it and then did it and she still walked out. Can't beat myself up for that. I put her on a pedestal all the time and when I didn't, I would apologize for it. Can't believe I let her have that much power over me. Won't happen again! One thing that struck me today was it's not what you did, it's what you are doing that's important. I can't go back and take back a petty fight or a time when I didn't compliment her on the way she was dressed or some small thing like that. And I can't go back and take away the depression I fell under that made me shut down and close myself off to her and my friends and family. I can't do anything to change anything from the past. I can, however, change everything that is happening in my life right now. I can learn from those experiences and use them to my advantage in growing to be a better person. I love me. I know I'm a good person. What is it that's making me happy from time to time? What is it that is allowing me to cope with this loss? Those are the things I need to concentrate on, not the past and what went wrong. Times got tough and she bailed. Is that true love? Not in my eyes. I'd never do the same to her. I'd have tried to work it out. But that's the difference between her and I. Can't change that. Just keep working on me.

12-27-2008, 12:38 AM
Josh and GetBack - Also similar to my situation! Thinking back, the majority of the relationship always seemed to be on HIS terms - we didn't go ahead and openly admit we were in a committed relationship because he couldn't handle it, but the truth is we were. Neither of us dated anyone else, or even wanted to, talked every day, and pretty much behaved like any close couple when we visited together. It bothered me, but I was too head over heels to really see that perhaps I wasn't being treated as equally as I should have been - I was one of his best friends and probably the only woman who ever really "got" him, and at times I felt like I was just his mistress.

I didn't do everything right, either. I would get bitter with him, sad, unable to explain why I was upset. I hid certain pieces of myself from him and had a lot of trouble fully trusting him, but when you look at all the boundaries he put up (and was always changing around), can you blame me? He wanted me to be myself around him, and when I was, he'd get starry-eyed and smitten over me, then he'd suddenly back off. So, I'd figure I was coming on too strong, and hold back again. Then he'd complain that I wasn't being myself around him again. You're guys, and thus speak Guy-ese - do you have any idea why a guy would do that?

Josh, I'm glad you've found such clarity in your break up, and REALLY glad that you no longer blame yourself for all of it. Always remember that there are two people in a relationship, and when things go wrong, it's never just one person's fault. Except in VERY rare occassions. You're doing great, man. Tacos all around!

12-27-2008, 05:59 PM
Kelley- Thats what I keep telling myself, that it was both of our faults. I also see that I was not treated how I deserved to be treated. So it looks like we are in the same boat :)

Getback- I agree man just focus on yourself because truth be told your the only one that matters. Just think in time we all will find someone who appreciates all that we do for them and they will return the feelings.

12-27-2008, 07:16 PM
He wanted me to be myself around him, and when I was, he'd get starry-eyed and smitten over me, then he'd suddenly back off. So, I'd figure I was coming on too strong, and hold back again. Then he'd complain that I wasn't being myself around him again. You're guys, and thus speak Guy-ese - do you have any idea why a guy would do that?

Hon, not sure if you wanted opinions on this, but my thought is this:

Guys like to feel the level of love you showed him when you were 'yourself' around him, and maybe he backed off because he WANTED you to continue to be this way without him having to do it back,... maybe he didn't want to show that weakness? Could be selfish, but could also just be that he was insecure and needed to know you loved him without having to open himself up too.

12-28-2008, 11:36 PM
Very good point to make...feelings, emotions, LOVE is a two way street! We get out what we put in or are willing to "invest"...if a partner isnt giving back, why should they "expect" or feel that the other partner should do all the displaying or "trying" investing if they aren't willing to do so in return?

In my opinion this is not a very healthy way of "communicating" to the partner his feelings, emotions, etc....and it is up to the partner to communicate its NOT acceptable...if they continue to allow it, this is what they will continue to get!