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Frangipani
12-27-2008, 01:49 PM
Dear Chelle,

I look back and see you crying alone, wondering why at 39 your life seems to be standing still. You are one of the strongest women I have even known and yet at the same time - one of the saddest and most insecure.

I see that your heart grows weaker with every failed relationship and a little piece of your soul seems to die every time things fall apart. You have felt so many times that you can't go on...dark times where it was only places like this forum that saved you from walking down a path you could never come back from. You ask yourself over and over, "What is wrong with me?"

You heal yourself and get on with things, but you exist, no matter how hard you try to truly live...you seem to just just exist. Your favourite ex marries his ex girlfriend and has a baby. You are happy for them...but you shed a tear, because they are moving on, she is wanted forever by him and no one has ever wanted you for forever. It is all just a reminder of what you do not have, but you go on and read more books, you help yourself again and you try to help others to forget your failures.

Years pass, you try so hard to put it all behind you. You travel, you work, you dance, you open your heart to others and wonder if it is too hardened to love again. You finally meet a man in 2008 who loves you back truly and honestly for the first time in 4 years. You soften and open up and let him in...this sweet, tender man who loves you for you...who listens, shares and wants you.

There is no anxiety, no sadness, no jealousy, no insecurity. No niggling feelings in the stomach of failure or fear. You feel happy with him and also alone doing your own things...you have a life of your own but a relationship too and he is the icing on the cake that you were already making before you met. You don't NEED this man, you want him and it feels healthy and right...for one of the only times in your life. No drama...just love and respect.

But he has his own unseen fears it seems and all of a sudden they surface and everything changes. He no longer wants to be intimate with you for now, for his own reasons and fears of past rejection come flooding back to haunt you. He tells you that he loves you but needs to work out his problems and to have time apart and the insecurity comes seeping in. You feel jealous of women friends in his life during this break when you never cared before...the confident strong woman he loves falls to pieces. She knows what she has to do...stay away, don't see him, leave him be, be happy if he calls...she struggles.

Michelle...I can not tell you the outcome of this relationship but you MUST try to let it go for now. Why do you do this to yourself? You are pushing him away. He has told you, "This is not like you Michelle" and no...it is not. You must leave him be, get on with things. You have no control over the outcome.

I know the hurt is strong in you, it always has been since you were a teen. It is like an inner sadness that is always there and you have no idea why. I KNOW you are so very tired inside. Tired of love failing. Tired of never being the forever girl when other women who are nasty and uncaring seem to find true love all around you. Who you are dies a little each time. The very thought of having to go through all of this again makes you want to cry until your whole body melts away to nothing. You have been kind, loving, supportive and caring...so why??

I am here to tell you that your future is bright. That happiness surrounds you and that you love your life and that it is full of friends, happiness, exciting times and a wonderful partner. Please don't give up...i know it seems like there have been too many men, too many failures and that each time you get to a point where they change and love ends but it will not always be so. Too much sadness because of your clinical depression...but don't give up!!!

Keep going Michelle. Don't give up on anything. I know you are 40 next year and feel so alone and didn't think life would be like this at your age...but there is so much good yet to come!!! You will see, be strong, stand up for yourself, be confident during this time and no more sadness, no insecurity....let it go!!!!

Promise me you will try to do this because I love you.

Mojodown71
12-27-2008, 11:55 PM
Hey Michelle,

This is a really heartfelt and honest letter and touched me in so many ways....especially being a fellow "aussie"Ha..It's heartwrenching to read your sadness and despair and trying to make sense of it.Maybe it's time to try and find why that sadness has been their for such a long time and while you don't know why you can specifically identify when (your teens).To personally try and make sense of what is happening,i think this is the key for you to heal and grow.I am on this path michelle and while it's scary as hell i can slowly feel change,a REAL change inside and i am 37 and feel the same frustration as you.The answers are inside of you, no -one else, and that gives you the power to change.The depression can be rage and anger turned inward and buried and it could all be connected through something traumatic or a build up of things....around this time frame or earlier.

You hold the keys Michelle, to your answers and while to dig and confront these things might be painful and scary it could be the change you need to make that healthy loving attachment we all want and need.It's definately not to late and if like me this could be the cataylst for real change.....

I am with you all the way aussie!!!!

Steve

thirdeyevest
12-28-2008, 11:25 AM
Michelle- Great letter to yourself. I think in due time you will be just fine. Keep that positive attitude because your right so much good is yet to come.

Frangipani
12-28-2008, 12:15 PM
Thanks Steve and thirdeye.

I've had so much counselling Steve. It helps to point but when when you have clinical depression - makes it harder. Even when I am a my happiest, there is still a feeling inside that just doesn't go away. I've been on meds since 2001 and that has made life so much happier for me, but without them...no way.

I just feel like I am the girl that guys fall madly in love with but who ends up being a friend only or whom prepares these guys for the love of their life after me. It's heartbreaking and I swore that this time I felt a complete love from my new man.

Just want things to work out for once :)

Bustertypsy
12-28-2008, 09:35 PM
Dearest Michelle,your thread struck a chord with me.I am 43 and I sometimes question myself.We are alike,because the fact that we question ourselves means that we want to learn and to better ourselves.

For certain we are not perfect,but it is the realisation of knowing we are not perfect that is so important.All we can do is live,learn,and better ourselves,but NEVER give up.Giving up is admitting defeat,and we will never stoop that low.Happy New Year Frangi.Buckets of love to you!!

xxSPHYNXxx
12-28-2008, 09:55 PM
Michelle in reading this I see a very strong, passionate, caring, loving being. You know what else I see? I see that Michelle loves herself...this is half the battle! Although now your looking to the past, please remember they are not "all" the same...he is working on "him"...his insecurities, whatever they are. As you said "this is NOT you"! The core of you is who he fell in love with and all the qualities that make you, YOU!

Stay strong, focus on this is "his" insecurities at this time, nothing you have done. Do not beat yourself up. You are right again, you cannot control the outcome but you can control YOUR actions...

You have been such a positive to this board, we are also going to bring to your attention that you are a strong, positive, beautiful woman inside and out!

Stay confident Michelle, you future is bright, you can and will do this one day at a time.

xxSPHYNXxx

Frangipani
12-29-2008, 03:27 AM
Thanks. I am just worried the feelings won't come back and he is worried too and says so :( so he's no worried about that as well...adding more anxiety. So many people say, "If love is there nothing can keep you apart" but a bad sex life will, no matter how you love someone.

It's so hard to support him too because I feel that he doesn't want to be reminded of it anymore. I tell him that I think it's all going to be of for us, that the hypno will help, but he worries. he told me, "If i could make the perfect woman for me it would be you - but without a passionate sex life - no matter how wonderful someone is - I just don't know."

My fears are taking over :(