View Full Version : Deep Thought My dad, my life, my future, my level of happiness.

04-02-2009, 04:24 PM
Lately, I've been thinking about my dad a lot. My heart melted today when I saw a little girl holding her daddy's hand as they walked into the mall together. My dad and I used to do that. Sometimes he'd even pick me up and I'd sit on his shoulders. I have all these great memories of when I was a kid and hanging with my dad. So now I find myself I thinking about my future and how far I am away from achieving my life long goals and then thoughts about my dad creep in.

Mostly when I think about the fact that he won't be alive to see me graduate college (and he already missed my high school graduation due to being dead), he won't get to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, and he won't get to be a grandpa. When I really think about it, it really sucks. That's also why lately I've taken Daniel's story to heart because it makes me so angry that things have to be so complicated for some people when they should be lucky to have a dad in their lives. I know that my dad will always be there in my heart and my dad is a part of what makes me who I am today. Before he passed away it would freak him out as I got older how much I reminded him of himself and I do agree that I have a lot of his personality and I've grown to even like a lot of music and movies that I think would have been his style. My mom and I don't have much in common but I have a good relationship with my mom as well. It's just that I am a lot like my dad and more and more I am realizing that I was daddy's little girl.

At the same time while I love the fact that I adore my memories of growing up with my dad, I hate the fact that I think it's caused me to have unrealistic expectations about life and especially about my love life. Sometimes I feel like my expectations are selfish and I feel like if I was to be treated exactly how I wanted all the time then I'd be spoiled. My boyfriend is almost NOTHING like my dad. But I love my boyfriend for the way that he is and my boyfriend can be very loving and sweet and he's always trying to make me happy. I feel bad though because I think I have a lot of displaced anger when it comes to certain things. Sometimes he's say or do something little that upsets me and then I think to myself "Why am I being so silly getting this upset over something this small?"

Today me and my boyfriend went to the mall together and we were talking at lunch. He brought up this summer and if we were going to visit New York again and I said that I don't know yet. Later in the conversation he brought up about if someone were to ask me what makes me happy with my life what would I say. I didn't know what to say. Immediately the only thing that comes to mind that I am happy with in my life is that I have my friends and family but I just said that "I don't know...". He asked, "So I don't make you happy?" and I said, "Well.. Yeah." I mean it's true that I am happy with him. We are not perfect but I am in love with him and I am happy being with him and everything.

I just feel like there is way more to that question about if I'm happy in life and what makes me happy and honestly I don't feel very happy with MY LIFE right now. I'm happy to have the people in my life that I have but that isn't my entire life. There are things in my life that I want to achieve and I feel so discouraged because it seems like those things are so far away. I'm so impatient when it comes to EVERYTHING and I hate feeling impatient but at the same time I feel like I'm not doing anything. I want to get off my butt and do something with my life. I feel like I'm stuck in one place and will be here the rest of my life and it's a terrible rotten feeling.

I want to graduate college. I want to ATLEAST get a 2 year degree and that has been taking forever. I finally decided on sticking with one thing full time but I can only afford to go 3 quarters a year because of financial aid and I have like 60 credit hours to go along with a some math classes that I have to take. Earliest I'll get my 2 year is maybe end of 2011... but realistically I'm thinking 2012.

I have no extra money and I am sick of living in Ohio. The only places I want to go to live are expensive places. Either back to California where I grew up and then I'd be giving up any sort of future with my boyfriend what so ever because he has no interest in California. But my biggest dream is to one day get a job and live in NYC no matter how small... heck I'll live in a freakin closet in NYC if I have to. Anything to be in the city but I love cities. That's just how I am. But of course I can't do any of that without money or any jobs. With the economy the way it is and the little life experience I have I don't know what to do and it's stressful to even think about. I hate my weekend-do-nothing-at-all-get-paid-enough-to-cover-bills job!

I've already mentioned how impatient I am when it comes to working on some sort of future with my boyfriend anyway. I'd move to New York all by myself if I could afford it. He thinks we're in a serious relationship but I just don't view it that way and I won't view it that way unless we had something to work toward together besides the communicating and such. He's said before that since he wants to live in NYC too that he'd handle living with me if it was the case that we were both moving to NYC but other then that he wouldn't live with me unless we were married. That upsets me because I think it's ridiculous that he'd basically just tolerate living with me if it meant big expensive city. Not a reason to live together and totally turns me off of wanting to live with him even though deep down it's something that I was in our future to live together.

We don't really talk about marriage because we're both college students and wanting to get something done as far as college goes but we're both a long long long way from being finished with college. I've gotten to the point were it is too exhausting for me to even think about because I'm certainly not ready for marriage right now and don't want that right now but I atleast wish I had some idea where my relationship is heading in the next year or two.

Basically I just feel crappy about having to live with my mom, work a job that is boring to pay bills, go to school for what seems like forever, and feel stuck.

04-02-2009, 05:28 PM

Hon, you've opened your heart to us here, once more and to that I commend you. Not many would speak so openly,...you're a true gem :)

I truly don't want to patronise, so please forgive me if any of this comes out that way, ok?

You're so young, so sweet, and oooh so smart. You're certainly older than your years, and perhaps see things the way someone 10 years+ may see them. That's not a criticism of you, not at all, I just feel like perhaps you need to give yourself a break. You are so hard on yourself on so many levels.

I lost my Father 10 years ago, and also have many thoughts about the past, many 'what if's' that spill around in my head every so often. I get angry that I never had the relationship I wanted with him, etc. I get sad that he never saw all my great achievements, and won't see me married etc. Those feelings are ok hon, they are normal and natural. Without trying to sound 'far out',.... your Father is with you,... in your heart, and he will always be there. It's never easy saying goodbye to anyone, and I found the hardest part accepting how final it is. I almost want to scream "Ok, had enough now, bring him back"....

Everything in life seems far away if you focus on the big picture, maybe the key is to take baby steps here. Find the little parts of the big picture that you can work on, focus on and get excited about. Some people have a list, each year, of 'objectives', from each objective, they have actions, sometimes many of them to get to achieving the objective. They review them periodically to make sure they are on the right track, perhaps this could help? You're probably thinking 'like what!!?', well, simple things like 'save X amount of money per week' or perhaps there are personal inner issues you need to deal with before you go. Deal with them, read self help books, hypnosis, even counselling if you think it will help.

How many times do we hear it? Happiness comes from within. Look deep inside yourself hon and ask yourself the questions. Moving to NYC can't MAKE you happy, it will be lovely, of course, but if you aren't happy in your heart, you'll just remain unhappy in a nicer place.

I hope my rambling helps in some way, I know you're having a tough time hon, we're here for you ok? x

04-02-2009, 05:45 PM
Hey Girlie, put a smile on that face , you're 21 and life is just beginning....Lost my dad when i was 12, my parents were separated prior to his death (mom never re-married)....he was still visiting almost weekly..it ain't nice to have two policemen knocking on your door at 4 in the morning to bring you the news ....i was so enraged for a while ...his death fast forwarded my maturisation...never been a mama's boy so at 18 i left for France for a period of time and came back a different man...in the end i realised that the thing i own him most was to live my life and be a better man the was ...guess that's every parent's dream ...to see his children become better than they were...trust me on this one kiddo , it might seem boring now living with your mother, but you will miss every moment of it and regret that thought when you'll be gone :)

04-02-2009, 07:22 PM
Hon, you've opened your heart to us here, once more and to that I commend you. Not many would speak so openly,...you're a true gem

*hugs* Thanks. I have a friend also named Dan that I told him some about this too and told him how I didn't tell my boyfriend everything that was on my mind about the happiness thing. He was like well, no one is THAT honest. LOL. So he basically said the same thing that atleast I was honest and open about it.

You're so young, so sweet, and oooh so smart. You're certainly older than your years, and perhaps see things the way someone 10 years+ may see them. That's not a criticism of you, not at all, I just feel like perhaps you need to give yourself a break. You are so hard on yourself on so many levels.

Thanks for the kind words. I think you're right that I see things in my life as if I'm so much older then I really I am and then I always remember that I'm only 21 and I have plenty of time. I'm so impatient with myself so it's a challenge to not be so hard on myself. It isn't always how I feel, it's just every so often I start to feel like this.

Everything in life seems far away if you focus on the big picture, maybe the key is to take baby steps here. Find the little parts of the big picture that you can work on, focus on and get excited about

Most of the time it's baby steps that I try. I'm very motivated this quarter with my classes and going full time. I know what I need to do to get to my degree I just need to stop thinking about how long it's going to take.

Moneywise it's been hard for me to catch up with saving anything because I had a lot of car problems that were fixed back in January and I spent maybe $1,000 on fixing it and car rentals total. Now I'm simply trying to keep caught up. I'd love to save up and I'd really like to have a second job. I'm just not motivated for job searching but I already know I'm going to have a lot of free time this summer and I'm a person that can't stand to spend the whole summer sitting around. I'll figure out something.

Yes. I also know that moving wouldn't make me happier. I'm perfectly aware that it comes from within and I go through phases I think. I guess I just need to do a lot more self searching to find out what I'm going to do for myself to make me happy RIGHT NOW.

I'm sorry both of you have also had to deal with deaths of your father's in life too. It is a tough thing and it's taken a few years for it to really sink in. But I'm glad that you both have done so well. :)

04-02-2009, 07:32 PM

I can't imagine what it's like to lose a parent - especially your father. My dad and I are incredibly close - like you and your dad, we're very much alike. I don't know what I'd do without him. I really can't imagine what any of you guys have gone through, and how hard it is every single day, but you all seem to have come out stronger, and honestly I think that's the best way to honor someone you've lost.

It's easy to get impatient with life when it's not moving as fast as you want it to. I think Dan is right - take some baby steps, and get one thing accomplished at a time. You get overwhelmed when you try to accomplish everything all at once. Always keep in the front of your mind that you are an incredibly smart, insightful, capable, and hard-working person, and your drive to succeed will make that success happen.

I know what it's like to be ready for your life to start before IT'S ready to start. It's frustrating as hell. Take a deep breath, my friend, and take it one thing at a time. You'll do great!

Thanks for opening up to us :)

Love ya!

04-02-2009, 08:54 PM
Jess, SHORT-TERM GOALS. I cannot stress that enough. All of that questioning will drive you mad (I know from experience and you know my story). People like us aren't naturally driven individuals, that's OK! The key is to try as hard as you can to keep your focus on the here and now of it all. I'll be 21 come the 21st, I'm just NOW starting to really experience the world. We're young, we have time and LOTS of it. As for being "happy" I like to say happiness is a choice, a conscious decision. It's something we have complete control over, it isn't tangible, no one and nothing can give it to us, we have to give it to ourselves.

Here are some quotes for you to think about:
"It doesn't matter how quickly you go, so long as you do not stop."
"Live today, tomorrow may never come"

suzie q
04-03-2009, 07:09 AM

first of all, great post. i know you probably just wrote it as a way to get things off your chest, but i think it's put things into perspective for all of us.

one of my favorite quotes of all time is "life is not a destination, it's a journey." my sister has always told me that life is busy happening when we're busy making plans. enjoy the moment for what it is because, believe it or not, you will look back on this time and miss it. i am only a few years older than you, but i remember being in the same position; i felt lost and just wanted to know what was coming.

i had to leave school for emotional and financial reasons and i thought that was the end of my life. i have so many student loans to pay back right now with no degree! i've only recently started to realize that everything that has happened in my life up to this point has been for a reason. had i never left school, i would have never got back on my feet financially, i would have never developed my friendship/relationship with steven, i would not be in a job that i FINALLY enjoy, and i would not have been available to my family during some really rough patches.

it's crazy what hindsight shows you.

you made a comment about comparing people to your dad and how it's "unrealistic." i don't think it's unrealistic at all! my brother and my uncle are the two men in my life that have really shaped what i want in a man - i have compared EVERY man i've ever met in my life to them; it has shown me what i want. you know what you want and it's not unrealistic to believe you'll find a man that is as wonderful as your father - or maybe that your boyfriend could be as wonderful and you haven't realized the similarities yet.

i know sometimes life just isn't what we want it to be, but you will have an "AHA" moment where it all makes sense. none of us are sure what's going to happen in the future, but we're sure that we're going to enjoy every second of it. this is gross, but i have have been throwing up and feeling so disgusting for the last 2 weeks! haha! i am doing my hardest (and it is HARD) to realize that all of this crap will soon turn into a beautiful baby that i will love more than anything and it makes it SO much easier to get through.

whatever comes in your life, it will be beautiful. it will be beautiful because you're a beautiful person. i really, truly believe good things happen to good people and you are one of the best i've known (as with everyone else here).

in the words of the great Journey, "don't stop believin'."