What is dumper thinking? i need your advice and help!

[bestfriendgone]

i'm deleting this post as part of my healing.... tnx everyone.

[Dan72]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

May I just say that your entire attitude to this situation you find yourself in is highly commendable. An extremely mature and logical attitude, regardless of the pain I am sure you are also dealing with right now.

One thing that jumps out at me here is that it appears you are ok just to sit back and wait for him to decide whether he wants you or not. He can go off and have his fun, knowing that whatever happens, whenever (or if) HE is ready, he'll just come back to you and all will be forgiven. In my opinion, if you love someone the way you should in an intimate relationship, you don't need time to help you decide that. Of course, sometimes things aren't quite as cut and dry and I understand that if a person has other issues clouding judgement then it can cause confusion for them and make them question everything else in their lives.

In my opinion, you are now his safety net. He adores you as a friend (he has already said that), and he misses your friendship, but that isn't enough for him to expect you to hold on and wait while he decides whether he is strong enough to be without your friendship. In my opinion, in this situation, if it were meant to be, it WOULD be. True love isn't always easy, but certainly shouldn't be this difficult either.

It's weird, but reading my own advice to you, I realise that I am also saying this to myself. She left me and for a while I thought that perhaps she would realise how much she loves me and come back,.... the reality is, if she loved me that much, she wouldn't be able to leave me in the first place,....

It sounds like you're doing the right things, blocking the FB contacts, going NC, all these things to protect yourself from further hurt. Never torture yourself with this, always do everything in your power not to find out what he is doing etc. You'll only end up with more questions than answers.

So, onto your questions. Well, I don't think there is any doubt that he misses you, he is also only human and you guys had a great friendship before any kind of relationship. However, in my opinion, this is probably not to be confused with the same yearnings that you are having for him. The familiarity of being together as friends will make it difficult to be apart, and that is before any talk of being lovers. As we know, people deal with things in different ways. Some people will keep busy, see friends and party to block out the thoughts of the breakup. Others will cry it all out until they can cry no more. Isolated, his behaviour doesn't really tell you anything because he could simply be doing those things because he is enjoying himself, you know?

Again, IMO, you must stay and remain N/C, not for him, but for you. N/C is an extremely powerful tool and completely critical to your healing. I'm sure at some point he will come back, but IMO, it will be for the friendship and the 'safety net' I mentioned earlier.

Surely, you'd want this man for the right reasons, and not because he decided that actually,...it's EASIER to be with you. For me, I'd only want to be with someone if they absolutely knew, without a shadow of doubt that I was ALL they wanted. That they didn't have to sit and debate about whether they loved me or not. No way!! You're worth far, far more than 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th best!

I am truly sorry that you are having to deal with this hon, but IMO, right now, you need to take the focus away from him and shift it all to you. Do whatever you need to do to heal yourself. Noone saying this is easy, most of us here have been through (or going through) some form of heartache, and we all know it's bloody difficult,....but it does get easier, it truly does. Take each day at a time and try not to focus on him / what he's doing / whether he misses you etc. SuperDave has some fantastic posts on this forum. Take some time out and read them if you can as I found them extremely helpful when I was in turmoil.

We're here if you need us hon,

[bestfriendgone]

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[Dan72]

It's difficult, sometimes even unbearable, I understand, but I believe you are stronger than you think you are. He is not your strength, look inside yourself because you are your own savior here.

People act all kinds of ways when faced with a situation they do not know how to deal with. You mention he is immature when it comes to emotions, well, IMO he is too immature to handle being straight with you so he plays these games. Usually when 2 people breakup, 1 is left wondering where the hell that came from. In reality, the other person emotionally checked out of the relationship long before the breakup. It's possible it would have dragged on longer if you'd not have brought it up, but only because he appears not know how to deal with it. Eventually, perhaps something else would have cropped up to end the relationship.

It does sound like the lad is confused, especially talking about engagement rings etc. Perhaps that was him trying to convince himself it would/could work? Who knows.

Bear in mind that this is all only my opinion, and I could, of course, be wrong. However, from what you have said it sounds like he is afraid to let go of his safety net, even though he appears to want to.

Somehow through all this, you need not to blame yourself, or wonder what you could have done differently. You cannot control what others do, you can only control how you react to it.

[Frangipani]

Hi best, good to have you here. So many of us have gone through similar things so I hope you find the objective help you need here.

You have and added hardship that many of us don't - 10 years of friendship with your ex and his family. That must be extremely difficult as they have been a apart of your life for so long. I admire you for your strength. Keep doing what you doing for now.

Originally Posted by bestfriendgone

How could a guy who professed to love me so much and who told me that i am the only girl he would marry just suddenly fall out of love just like that without any reason?

I don't know why this happens either. I get so edgey now if a boyfriend tells me he loves me within a month of us meeting and talks of marriage etc in the early days, because it never works out with those that do In turn him saying these things affects the new relationship because I don't know if they are being sincere or not and I then I myself get insecure. My ex seemed more open, honest and sincere than anyone I'd ever met...yet he 'went off me' after telling me I was the love of his life and that he saw himself marrying me one day.

I don't know why they do this. It hurts us so much later. My counsellor told me that this happens a lot with insecure people - they jump in too soon then change their minds. Personally, I could never speak of love or marriage unless I meant it. They are not trivial things to be bandied about. I wonder if they fall out of love so fast because they were never really in love to begin with? Real love lasts and isn't so fickle.

Not fighting doesn't really indicate 'true love' either. My ex form 2005 and I were together for 4 years and never argued once...but he still broke up with me...because he loved me as a friend in the end....arrrrrrrrrrrg!

All I can say is do NC. Don't sit around waiting for him when he is obviously out having a great time with his friends. You have to show him you aren't going to just 'be there' if he changes his mind. I need to listen to my own advice too. Also, don't ask his family or friend about what he is up to anymore. I've made that mistake in the past and it killed me and hindered my healing. If he truly loved you he wouldn't treat you this way.

[bestfriendgone]

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[bestfriendgone]

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[bestfriendgone]

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[Dan72]

Things are and will be awkward between the two of you for a while, that's normal. The tricky part for you is the business. IMO, I would say for you to do whatever it takes to heal yourself,....and if that means dealing with the business close without him, so be it. The last thing you need after all this time apart, all this time your heart has had to recover,..to then go straight back to where you were by seeing him again.

[bestfriendgone]

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[Dan72]

Go with what you know hon, not what you assume.

You know he has a girlfriend, but you don't know if he had been cheating on you all along. Don't throw in more pain for yourself. It appears he has moved on, and as hard as it is to take, sometimes it's easier than always wondering what he is thinking / whether he will come back, etc etc. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, take a long hard look in the mirror at that wonderful person you are, the wonderful person you have always been, regardless of 'him'. Make the decision that this is the end of your pain and move on. He clearly is not worth it. Mr. Right is out there, but he can't find you if you are pining after Mr. Immature

Hugs to you.

[bestfriendgone]

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[OhManINeedCoffee]

Nice to see you back, bestfriendgone, and thanks for updating us!

As far as your relationship with him goes at the moment, I honestly think you're doing the right thing by keeping it civil and strictly professional. It must be hard for you to do when you've got about 8 million different emotions running through your head at any given time, but you're doing well.

If you're not ready to be his friend, then you're not ready to be his friend, and you should never feel "obligated" to do otherwise. It IS possible to become friends with your ex, I think. I'm still very good friends with my first ex but it took us a little while to get there. Things were awkward and a little tense for a long time, but we're now in a really good place.

If you've still got feelings for your ex, then it's going to be very painful for you to try and be his friend, so make sure you protect yourself. Friendship between exes only works if neither of you have any romantic feelings or attraction for each other anymore.

[suzie q]

hey there!

IMO, exes are able to be friends once they have both moved on and no longer harbor any loving feelings toward one another. if you are not ready for it, it shouldn't be forced.

you have REALLY handled this situation well and the LC you two have been having in regards to the business doesn't seem to be holding you back.

keep us updated!