New Newbie and of course heartbroken

[crazydays]

Rather than getting into a lot of detail and bore everyone, I thought I would first start telling you the end of the relationship and need advise.

My ex fiance told me that he didn't want to be in a committed relationship and that I should start dating. I'm 55, he's 58 and he told me maybe in 6 months we can try again but for me not to get my hopes up. Can someone please tell me what he's saying because I don't think this explanation makes a whole lot sense? Oh yeah, I have started the NC rule but it's very difficult.

[Dan72]

Hi crazydays and welcome to the forum.

You won't bore anyone with your details hon, go ahead and let us know your story as it will help us build up a better picture of your situation.

[LizardKing]

Hi Crazydays it sounds to me like he wants to keep you as his safety net. Telling you maybe in 6 months we can try again please thats BS. In truth there probably is somebody new in the picture. It happened to me. No contact is the way to go.. Do it for yourself not for him... THis is so important. Maybe you could provide some more details about your relationship. This site is so great with so many people who are hear to listen and help. You should check out posts by superdave and slick these guys know what they are talking about. Post some more about your story your not going bore anyone. We are here to help.

[crazydays]

We started dating and within 4 months we were engaged (I know, first red flag), then we started living together and it was disasterous. I was so depressed as I had a lot of other issues going on so we fought all the time so in the middle of the night, he just took the ring back, no explanation, nothing. Finally, I moved out because neither of us were happy. We stayed in touch 3 or 4 times a day for the last year trying to work on our issues but didn't seem to get anywhere. Then he started dating, oops, he forgot to mention this to me. I'm thinking we're still trying to work things out and he's dating. So I mentioned this to him and he acted surprised and thought that I too was dating and made it sound like we were broken up, etc. He makes me feel like I'm stupid because I know it didn't go the way he makes it out to be. This is a short version of a very long story, but our last telephone conversation, he told me he was depressed and he has no life and he doesn't know where he's going to wind up and he doesn't want anyone in his way. He wants to come and go as he pleases without being accountable to anyone, so he broke it off with me. That's why he said the 6 month thing because he thinks emotionally he could be in a better place. But he told me not to put my life on hold hoping and waiting.

Well, this is a start of my story. I'll continue to post.

I initiated the no contact rule because it sounds like he doesn't want to be with me and frankly at this point, if we continue talking, etc. I'll never move on. Right now, I don't want to date, or anything. I want to take my time, get to know myself better so I can make good decisions, but I'm devasted and heartbroken. My days are filled with my stomach in knots, my nights are filled with lonliness, and I can't sleep nor eat. Yes, I know that I have to take care of myself and I really am trying. My brain and heart are just in conflict right now.

[Dan72]

Thanks for sharing

I know and understand the pain you're dealing with. I've been there myself, as have most on here so you will have complete empathy.

It sounds like everything just went too fast. To be honest, if I'd have stayed with my ex past the 4 month mark, I'd probably had been engaged too. I felt she was 'The One'. Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that sometimes through these type of whirlwind romances, we lose sight of reality just a little. All of the practical stuff gets forgotton. The importance of all the other little pieces of compatibility are ignored or just assumed exist because everything 'feels' so perfect. Once the madness settles a little, all those 'little things' start to become more important. The fear sets in as we begin to realise things aren't quite as perfect as we dared believe.

As hard as it is to accept, for now, you need to try and continue on no contact to get yourself to a better place. It's not easy hon, but when you're being told from every angle that he doesn't want to be with you, you have no other choice. As for him telling you 'maybe in 6 months', well, what the hell are you? Some book he can just pick up and put down whenever he feels like it? You'll see this phrase alot on this forum, but hon it's so true.

Actions speak louder than words

If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. If he wants to be with you in 6 months, well, he is taking an enormous gamble that you'll still want him. If he is willing to take that gamble, you have to be willing to let him go. I understand you can't eat or sleep, but sadly these are all parts of heartbreak. Your heart is all over the place and searching for answers, searching for anything that will help to ease the pain you feel. As hard as it is to hear, time and nc are the only things that will help, but not immediately. If it helps you, here is a post I created a while back as the things I learnt through my heartbreak:

http://www.thelovelogic.com/forum/he...your-pain.html (A Fast Track To Stop Your Pain)

The thing is though, you have to be willing not to do what you heart is crying out to do. In fact, you have to do exactly the opposite.

I am so sorry you're suffering, and I truly know what you are going through. I only wish there was something I (or anyone) could say to take away that pain for you. Please know that everything you are feeling is normal, and that you will get through this time.

We're here if you need us,

[crazydays]

Day 9 and it's not becoming easier. Actually harder. I go to bed wanting to call and wake up wanting to call. But I haven't. I don't think I'm healing at all. I believe a part of me is dying everyday - no healing. Is this normal?

[DaDamTaDamDam]

Hi CrazyDays,

that is normal, believe me. I am on day 46 now and just got set back for no apparent reason after feeling better for some time.

Guess the healing won t happen in a couple of days or weeks. It will take time, especially if you really love someone (like we do).

We have to be strong!!! It will get better!!! It will probably go up and down for a while but I believe that in the end everything will be fine for us!!!

Originally Posted by crazydays

I initiated the no contact rule because it sounds like he doesn't want to be with me and frankly at this point, if we continue talking, etc. I'll never move on. Right now, I don't want to date, or anything. I want to take my time, get to know myself better so I can make good decisions.

You already know what you need and want at the moment, that is the first step. It s pretty hard to actually do it, but I know that you can. It s the only way!!!

[crazydays]

Thanks DaDam for your words. I'm trying to keep myself busy yet I have no passion for anything. I go through the motions and feel unfulfilled. I am trying to retrain my thinking and try to stay positive, but it's like this force that pulls against me in every way possible. I want a second chance, I made HUGE mistakes because I was not emotionally healthy when I started this relationship. I feel like I have more to offer than what he saw. But, he has shut me out. Doesn't want to do this anymore and I can't blame him. We fought and fought and fought all the time. He wanted us to get back together, I had reservations. Now I want to get back together and he's just over it, he's worn out.

[DaDamTaDamDam]

I know exactly what you re talking about. I know the feelings you have.

If you want him back you have to let the dust settle first. You definitly have to change your state of mind and your feelings towards him.

You made mistakes okay, that s human (we ve all made them). If you two are meant to be togehther he ll forgive you for your mistakes. But it needs time. There is nothing else you can do at the moment. Believe me, I tried everything to get my girlfriend back, nothing worked! All we can do now is letting go! Moving on!

I still feel like something is dying inside me too. But sometimes we have to let something die (unfortunately a slow and painful death), have to create space, in order to build something new.

Please be careful to not justify his behaviour towards you with the mistakes you made. If he doesn t want to stay with you (at the moment) it s his decision and you re doing great by accepting that. But if he wants to keep his options open you have to show him (and yourself) that you won t sit around waiting for him to come back.

You re worth more than that!!!

[crazydays]

Oh yes, I can think of a thousand mistakes he made but they seem so petty now. I don't want to wait on him, or at least I don't want him to think that I am and I am doing things just to be doing them, but really could care less if I were there or not. I'm hoping with every step I take, it will get better. I'm force feeding myself now with activities. And everything is hard to digest when you're forced to eat it.

I am a strong believer that what's meant to be will be. But you can also tempt fate and screw things up.

I just want to stop hurting so I can eat, sleep, work, feel human again. This really is taking it's toll on me.

[OhManINeedCoffee]

Originally Posted by DaDamTaDamDam

Please be careful to not justify his behaviour towards you with the mistakes you made.

I feel that I should quote this again because this advice cannot be stressed enough

First of all, Crazydays, welcome! I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but I'm glad you've come to us for support.

Remember not to put all the blame for the end of this relationship on yourself. There were two people involved, and while I know you made your share of mistakes, he has made his share as well.

All these things you're going through right now - the lack of enthusiasm for life, the stomach knots, inability to eat, sleep, or even do simple tasks to take care of yourself, etc. - are understandable and a common response to heartbreak when everything is still so raw. I think most of us here have had a similar if not identical reaction - you're not alone here.

Despite all those things, I'd like to point out the positive: initiating no contact the way you did IS a way of taking care of yourself. The fact that you respected and valued yourself enough to take that initiative, knowing that a) it's incredibly difficult and painful to do, and b) it's even MORE incredibly difficult and painful to continue having contact with your ex, is a VERY positive sign. Please keep that in the back of your mind.

His "six months" comment seems a bit like a cop-out to me. If he's done, he should tell you he's done, and not try to soften the blow with that "Maybe I'll be ready in six months, but don't get your hopes up kind of thing." That's a bit of a back-handed "kindness" to me. If he decides after a break that he wants to try again, then he will.

For now, treat it as though it's completely over so that you can heal. Even if you end up reconciling in time, picking up where you left off isn't a wise option - you'd need to start over again. And you can't start over again with him OR anyone else properly if you haven't completely healed from this. That was the best advice anyone ever gave me.

Kelley.

[crazydays]

you can't start over again with him OR anyone else properly if you haven't completely healed from this

.

Exactly why I have cut myself off from the world. Which makes me very sad and lonely. On weekends, I barely get dressed, but the odd thing is I really don't think about who he's with or what he's doing. I think that's because he's not emotionally healthy either so anything he does right now are bandaides and won't sustain him. So I'm not haunted by that. I think my biggest demon is that I feel guilty, he wanted the relationship so bad and at that time, I didn't. We have great memories and that's what keeps me in the game because I long for that innocense of our relationship. The one that was great.

[Dan72]

You need to stop beating yourself up here hon. You wont heal overnight, and I hate to say this but some days it absolutely does feel like it's getting harder, especially in the early days. Try not to shut yourself away. You need to be around people, even if you don't feel like it, force yourself. You may surprise yourself and actually enjoy it, even if just a little. Any distraction is good, visit with friends, even if you just sit in their company. It helps, even though it may not feel like it.

Everything you are feeling is exactly the path of the heartbroken my love. I've certainly experienced that pain, like nothing I'd ever imagined before. You're not abnormal, you're just hurting. As hard as it is, try to dress at weekends, even if you just take a stroll to a coffee shop for some company. I think I spent many weekends in bed, crying. It wasn't until I started to force myself to get it together that things slowly started not to look quite as dark.

Regardless of what happens between the two of you going forward, you really need to let your emotions settle first. Acting on any kind of emotional impulse rarely ends positively. You need to be in a good place, with your logical head back on and your heart eased from this pain.

You can do this, take each day at a time and stay strong.

[myfavoriteword]

hi crazydays, so sorry for what you're going through. although i am just in the beginning stages of nc as well, i went 8 months without talking to him already (last december until the end of july) and i can speak from experience that it does get better in SO many ways. you are "force-feeding" yourself with activities which i think is a really good thing. i understand the feeling of not knowing the point of anything you're doing. you feel like no matter what activities you do, people you talk to, books you read, you're not going to get closer to him through doing them and you hate that you have to occupy yourself with things just to momentarily distract yourself from him, right??? i know because i have felt it/sometimes still feel it too. but the point is that you are filling your life again and some day, you really will find pleasure in so many things aside from him. the last time my ex and i broke up, i can truly say that i blossomed during the time we were apart. EVERYTHING was about me and i began to do whatever i wanted with whoever i wanted and i finally created a life that was centered around ME. in time the pointlessness of keeping yourself occupied will fade and you will actually be able to feel true enjoyment.

as for being haunted by guilt.. i wouldn't go there. i think all of us can go back to moments in time where we feel like they wanted the relationship to work more than we did, even agonized over what we could have done differently to keep things like that, but there is no point in doing that because this is the reality of what's going on, i'm sorry to say.

obviously there are things we all could change about ourselves, but you cannot blame yourself for his problems. you said that he is emotionally unstable - well i can relate to that. unfortunately for us, we fell for men who have emotional problems of some kind or another. it is not our job to fix them!!! i've had to learn this three times now with the same person and had to be broken up with three times to see that there was nothing i could do to change his fear of commitment-that was all him. truth be told, i am a little worried about a 58 year old who is still unable to fully commit to someone he loves. i know it's hard but please don't let him hold you on a leash for six months, it just doesn't seem like enough time to combat 58 years worth of problems and come back to you a different man.

you WILL get better. give it time and just accept the fact that you have no control over this man, only yourself and your ability to continue making your life better and meaningful even without him.

[crazydays]

I had the most incredible urge to call ex last night but fought the temptation. Would he talk to me, my thought is that he would and that's he's waiting for me to be ole faithful. I think he wants to hear from me so I can validate him. Then, I may have it all wrong. He's made absolutely no attempt to call me or get in touch with me. Maybe he's moved on. He's that type of guy. In his mind, he tells himself "next" Anyway, I did fight the urge and didn't call. Am I getting stronger. Heck no, I feel in someways I'm weaker. I'm trying to make sense of all this and try to ask myself what lesson have I learned from this. Searching for that answer daily. If he comes back to me, then what? Can we mesh better? Is he doing his work to make himself a better partner, don't know. I know that I am trying real hard to become a better person, more stable in my emotions and trying to figure out what I want so if given the opportunity to be back with him, I'll be healther in my emotions. But it may be too late and that's what scares me. I may have blown my chances forever.