My background story - Work in progress

[Bobbe]

Disclaimer: English is not my native language, so there will be grammatical and spelling mistakes.

It's been 6 weeks since I've been dumped. In December it was going to be our 5 year anniversary. I've never felt so bad in my whole life, lost 8 kg in 2 weeks, couldn't handle my self, was confused and in shock, couldn't sleep, couldn't work..Total panic! You know the drill ;)

What happened you ask? One of the worst things that can happen. She fell out of love.

Some basic info:
We met in high school. Are both 21 years now.I have my own business for over a year now, she graduated 3 months ago and has found work. We were together since we were 16.

I knew she had doubts, I knew her feelings were diminishing. Yet I was foolishly enough to think she would never leave me. Oh boy, was I wrong. She didn't love me anymore, she saw me as a "very very good friend". She was crying when she told me, she was very upset. So was I (duh :p) We hugged and then she left. I was broken, devastated. I couldn't believe it I can tell you IT WAS HORRIBLE but you all know what I mean. We didn't fight, we didn't argue. I didn't even beg for another chance, I was too shocked I guess. Still, It was a very amicable break-up, which is a good thing I guess.

Some background now:
The problems started in the summer of 2008. I was looking for work to earn money to start my own business. I had troubling sleeping then so I decided to work the night shift in a food factory. It payed much more than the during the day and I couldn't sleep anyway so it looked like a good deal then. Unfortunately, it wasn't. I worked there for 3 months. Then I had to quit due to health issues. I had pushed my body past it's limits Not only that but I had developed insomnia.

When you have a sleep disorder like I do, your whole live changes! YOU change, who you are.. I changed as a person, I wasn't myself anymore. I was grumpy, quickly irritated by the stupidest things, I couldn't drive a car anymore, I unwillingly treated my GF badly and let her many times unwillingly down We rarely went out anymore because I was always too tired. But there where moments, rare moments, when I slept well and then were we very happy, she really shinned then.

Off course I sought help, went to my local doctor but that didn't worked out.

My ex was very supportive in the beginning, it was an enormous extra weight which fell on her shoulders but she carried on and helped me! But in the middle of this year, she began to doubt. Was I really the one? Maybe there is someone better out there? How do you know when it's true love, etc.. We talked about it but she kept being insecure. My ex is a insecure person by nature so I didn't pay too much attention to it. I thought she was just doubting because that what she does. She doubts everything, I must make every decision for her. But because of my insomnia I no longer was the beacon of answers which she could turn to. We didn't saw a solution in the foreseeable future. The months went by and we had many fights. Because I had a short fuse and she doubted constantly which had an impact on our relationship. We were growing apart but at the time I couldn't see that.

The symptoms I had were much like a depression. Sometimes I think I had a depression, I don't know. I always felt tired, didn't have the energy to do things, to have fun or make her laugh. The only thing I did was complaining, complaining, complaining. How my life sucked etc.

In the last few months there were times she was distant, didn't feel like coming to me, being with me. And then there were times she was back to being very close. She showed in her actions she was doubting. I was beginning to walk on eggshells. Trying to not upset her. she could get mad at me for the stupidest reasons. But so could I because of the insomnia. Basically, we treated each other bad.

Then came September along. It was (from my point of view at least) one of the best months we had in a long time. There were even some days I would sleep well and we were both very happy then.

But she had still doubts, she turned to a friend for advice. She told about my sleeping problem, the friend have her new hopes, reassured her my problem would go away, it couldn't last forever..She said we were a nice couple Because of this my ex decided to give herself 100 % for our relationship, she hasn't been this happy in a long time. You could tell she was in Love. I also got multiple texts which say she loves me and want to solve my problem! She was really motivated to help me and be with me. She even said she thought I was "the one" and sounded really sure of her self. It wasn't the first time she said that but I hadn't heard it for over 6 months. Also, She was really pushing me to go to a sleep expert.

Our last weekend together we cleaned my room (long overdue :p ) and we had a great time, everything was fine and I could tell she was in love with me. She had this sparkle in her eyes when she looked at me and I could tell through her body language that see wanted to be with me. Also there was still sexual attraction, in previous months there where times when she was distant and didn't wanted to be intimate. But not so the last month! She also made plans to go on vacation in November, so short-term future plans.

And then, 4 days later. The bomb fell..

Had this happened a few months ago, I would've believed her. But now it didn't make sense.
We were closer and happier than we've been in months.


There's much more to the story, I'm going to post the other half tomorrow.

Note:
I'm not in panic mode anymore, I don't worship her anymore yet I still love her. I still want her back but I'm starting to see I can live without her. It really is true, time does heal. I'm still very far from being fully healed though. At the moment I'm focusing on number one and self improvement. And believe me, there's much to improve
More on all this later.

So just imagine this is a soap opera and the paragraph above this sentence is the cliffhanger and then come these words:

TO BE CONTINUED

[Cityboy88]

The best thing I can say, is take a step back, fix yourself and love yourself. You went through something similar to me. I went through really hard times when I started flight school. It made everythign bad, like your story. So, get some distance, fix your problems, and get your head on right. No contact is a good idea for a while. Give her space and time to miss you, but ALSO give yourself time to heal. Dont use NC as a way to make her miss you, that is only a side thing that MAY happen. But it may not and you need to be ready for the negative outcome of it. Nc helps that. It allows you to remember who you were before all that began. And that you'll be fine. After some space, and your sure finding out ur ex has someone else wont destory you, then you can start talking. Be cool , be strong, be a man and show the woman you have balls. You can stand storng on your own and take care of anything that comes in your life, and protect her. Even if she doesnt come back, you need to learn this lesson for the future woman you are with. Dont be her puppet. Dont answer all her calls, dont jump when she whisles. Woman hate that. It seems like your break up with civil, so you never know..

[Bobbe]

So I was dumped My first thought was to leave her alone for one month and improve myself in the mean time. Three days later I typed a text but didn't intended to send it. Purely therapeutic. And then my finger slipped and I hit the send button. Damn you iPhone and your non-removable battery, I couldn't stop the text. She replied with: "I was doubting for months." After that, I cracked.

I couldn't leave her alone for a whole month, so I sent one text every day. A couple days after the bomb fell, I waited at her by her work. I wanted to give her a letter I've written. She was shocked to see me, she didn't want my letter and started to cry. Then she drove off. I felt TERRIBLE after that. Stupid, stupid me. Then 2 days later, I went to her house. But again, she didn't wanted to see me. Afterwards, I heard from her sister she was very upset and was crying because I went to her house. I felt terrible, again. I decided to leave her alone for one or 2 weeks. Exactly 7 days after that I tried again. And again, no result. She was ignoring me and I couldn't understand why. We didn't fight when we parted ways, why was she so cold??

So I decided to do one desperate, last attempt. That Sunday I would wait after her weekend work, it was the best opportunity I had at the moment. I was extremely nervous, I expected her to be very mad at me and yell etc. But nothing of that sort happened. She was again emotional and started to cry when she saw me. But I assured her I wasn't her to talk her back in to being with me and just wanted some answers. She believed me and opened up to me.

She was happy to see me, we talked for more than an hour in the cold outside.

She said again she didn't love me anymore, that sometimes she didn't wanted to kiss me or hug me. I never knew this and she said she didn't wanted to tell me because I would get upset if I knew. Stupid of her, I know. She wanted to protect me and in the end, I got hit worse

She said she misses me and that she is lonely know (her choice!) but that she didn't want to come back with me just because she's lonely or feels sorry for me. She said it's very hard for her but really want to do this. She wants to be friends but needs time alone to process everything. She said she cried every time I texted her and that she didn't want to talk to me because she was afraid I would convince her to come back.

It was a warm, heart full conversation we had. We were both emotional. She suggested we do this again another time on a neutral (and warm, inside :p) location. At the end she gave me a big hug and we parted our ways. That night was the first time in a long time I slept well.

I still had some questions and she agreed to talk one last time with me 2 days later. I waited for her after her work and we talked in her car. She pointed out again she really doesn't have any feelings for me anymore, that I shouldn't hope and pause my life for her. She wanted me to move on. She said if we are meant to be we will find each other again. She said that she didn't feel the need to jump on me or kiss me that Sunday and so had found peace with her decision.

I asked to go on a date with her, so she could see the real me again, the person she fell in love with and not his replacement Sad&Grumpy-Bobbe. She didn't want to, she said I couldn't force this. That she wants to close this chapter of her life and move on. She said she wouldn't close her heart for me and wouldn't stop it when her feelings coming back but she doesn't want to force it. IF we are going to be back together she wants it to be a new beginning and not just a continuation of what we had before because she fears it wouldn't last long.

We had some funny moments in the car, we laughed much because of funny things I said and then she said: "Stop it, I'm going to like you again"..
We still have an enormous great band, the chemistry between us is still there. She just sees me as a very very very good friend now. She said she will contact me when she misses something and realises she made a mistake. I was too emotional to give her a good response to all this and cried She said from this point on, she wouldn't respond again until she was ready for it. She said that every time I contacted her, I've set her back. I even found out she cried at her work and couldn't concentrate on working. Which was a shocker to me because I always thought she could turn her emotions off when she was working. She works ALOT and one off and that's her way of dealing with bad things that happen. She also said she couldn't sleep at all the first days. It sounded just like what I was going through, yet she was the dumper.

Then I got out of her car and she drove off. I panicked, that night was the worst of them all. I couldn't see the point of living anymore I sent a email and a bunch of texts but no response. She was back to being an Ice Queen (her words, her way of dealing with things)
I promised to leave her alone!She trusted me and believed me. But 2 weeks later, I did the unimaginable. I broke my promise!I never ever break my promises. I still feel bad about it. I was driving my dad's car and I hit the wall of the garage. Minor damage to the car but I panicked. My self esteem was already at an all time low and then I "wrecked" my dad's car. I felt bad about it the whole day and then I came up with a BRILLIANT plan. I texted that I had an "accident" with the car. OOOH STUPID ME, what was I thinking. Not only did I broke my promise but I manipulated her by deliberate not telling if it was serious or not. And worst of all, she didn't responded, she probably knows me to well to know it wasn't serious. Stupid stupid mistake.

Some questions:
Is this normal behavior for a dumper who lost the feeling?
Why does she need time & space to figure things out, get her head straight.She seems really firm of her decision, so why say something you only say when you still doubt?


One of Superdave's great advices is: Look at their actions, not their words.
So she says she doesn't love me anymore yet her actions of the last 2 months and after the break-up show me that she's still doubting.


My theory is:
I don't believe the love is 100 % gone, that doesn't add up with her actions in September and after the break-up. I do believe it's buried under all our troubles and stress, a lot of stress!

When we broke-up, she was searching for work. (Stress)
She was doubting us (Stress)
My sleep problem (a lot of stress)
Her dad is ill (stress)

One important thing:
The day before the break-up, she had Zumba with a (lady) friend. Turns out, that friend was convincing my ex for weeks to break with me but she didn't know that I have insomnia..
(I asked my ex to not tell anyone, I was ashamed. So very few people know..Yet she told her other friend and not this one..)

But much more on this later.
I could write a book with all the stuff in my head :p

At first, I wanted to do NC to get her back. But now I see it wouldn't work, IF we ever get back (which at the moment, I believe will happen, it could be years or months..) I need to be the person I was when we first met, even more, I need to be a better person than I was then. That's not gonna happen in one month.. So now I'm trying to focus on me and improving my self. Everyday, I'm doing something outside of my comfort zone. As a person, I'm growing more then I did in the last 2 years. I'm beginning to see I don't need her to be happy.
I still miss her strongly and have a long long road ahead of me.
The fact that I still don't sleep well doesn't help my recovery. It's very hard.

Thanks for reading

[SuperDave71]

Bobbe,


Be careful with what you assume...

When we broke-up, she was searching for work. (Stress)
She was doubting us (Stress)
My sleep problem (a lot of stress)
Her dad is ill (stress)

Go with what you know....



-SuperDave71

[Bobbe]

Do you think I'm seeing things I want to see? This isn't typical dumper behavior, is it?
I honestly don't know, it's my first break-up..

[SuperDave71]

Bobbe,


Hey there. Thanks for the response. What I am trying to saying is that trying to figure out someone else's heart is a tough one. Don't do it! Go with what you know instead of assuming she broke it off because of SOMETHING. People do what they want to do...Try not to assume she left you because of stress. I have made excuses for many of my ex's in the past because I wanted to blame it on SOMETHING rather than knowing she just didn't love me.


Be careful out there. All I am saying is try not to make excuses for her behavior. You know her best.


Take care,


SuperDave71

[Bobbe]

I know she loved me, she would've left much sooner if she didn't. And I could see it in her eyes, the way she looked at me

She didn't saw a future with me anymore (her words), I guess the main reason was my sleep problem.

Imagine you didn't sleep well for a whole week because of a stressful event in your life. You feel like crap, don't you? Now try to imagine when you don't sleep well for a year!

-> You are cranky, you're concentration and memory is fubar, you're annoyed by every little sound, you have a very short fuse; the tinniest thing can make you angry and shout, you can't drive a car anymore, you feel depressed and very tired, the list goes on and on and on and on.
You're a very negative person, a bad version of you with all the good things removed. In short, you're a totally different person, not who you really are!
And when you sleep well again, you go back to your normal self! It isn't permanent!

Now imagine you're dating me & loving me. At first you think it's temporary and give me all the love and care I need. But months go by and it doesn't get better, it gets worse! You begin to have doubts & stress because of me, because of how I treat you (unwillingly). You don't feel as good and happy as before with me. You're forgetting how it is to have a nice time with me and only have bad days. You're constantly worrying and fueling your doubts, making them worse. Sometimes you have good moments with me, on those rare occasions I slept well. Then you're so happy you have the old me back, you really shine. But those moments are far and few. Like the insomnia, the doubts won't go away. Then you seek advice with a friend, you tell how unhappy you are, that you're doubting. You don't tell why I'm acting like this because I asked you not to tell anyone about my insomnia. So then your friend starts to push you to end it and be happy again, be free. At first you resist! But the friend keeps pushing, tries to persuade you and my condition still doesn't get any better. You're losing hope.You're love for me is bleeding, slowly fading away by each bad day. Then one day, you finally cave in to your friend. She's right you think, I don't love him anymore. Your friend is 10 years older and married, so you value her opinion more than those of others. Others who know about my problem and have seen me more than only one time, who say you shouldn't give up hope just yet and give you courage. But your positive friend is younger so less wiser and you don't see her weekly, like your negative friend.

I don't know If she would've left without that friend, I would've certainly happened much later. She admitted her self it was her friend who "opened her eyes"

This is what I think happened, I have thought a lot about this.

I'm now following a sleep therapy, I'm halfway. Another 4 weeks to go and I'm already noticing progress. Why didn't I do this earlier

I don't know, I still have too much hope this is going to work out. It's holding me back from fully healing. I just want to feel good again, I'm getting tired of the constant memories/flash backs to better times & the possibly false hope. I want the pain to be over. My head knows this but my heart won't cooperate..

2 weeks of NC now. Or one month if you don't count my screw up. I miss her

[OhManINeedCoffee]

Thanks for sharing your story with us, Bobbe - and your English is very good, by the way.

Originally Posted by Bobbe

Some questions:
Is this normal behavior for a dumper who lost the feeling?
Why does she need time & space to figure things out, get her head straight.She seems really firm of her decision, so why say something you only say when you still doubt?

I've been in a situation very similar to your ex before, Bobbe - The feelings were simply gone and feelings of warm friendship replaced them. I can't tell you if her behavior is "normal" or not, but I can try to give you a little insight as someone who was also the "dumper" who had lost that lovin' feeling.

Just because someone dumps you, Bobbe, it doesn't mean that they're completely over you in a split second. You were together for nearly five years, had made future plans together, etc. It's obvious that she DID love you - of that I have no doubt. Sometimes you just can't explain why the feelings go away. They just do. Even though she was the "dumper" in this situation, it's pretty apparent that she's hurting too. I can tell you that it HURTS to lose feelings for someone you loved, and it hurts to have to realize that no matter how hard you try, you can't get them back. And it looks like to me that she WAS trying to get those feelings again.

She may be firm in her decision to break up with you, Bobbe, but after nearly five years together, this is a HUGE change in her life as much as it is for yours. A person who was once a joyful part of her everyday life is no longer there, and while it was HER choice to leave, the relationship died and she is grieving the loss of the relationship just as much as you are. When you're grieving, you DO need time and space to "figure things out and process everything." It's ironic but in a situation like yours, the end of the relationship is no easier for the dumper than it is for the dumped. She is not being an "Ice Queen" by getting some distance from you/not responding to you - she's trying to take the time to heal.

From a personal standpoint, it was horribly difficult and painful to break up with someone I had been in love with for a long time simply because I no longer felt the same. I felt very empty, numb, and guilty for a very long time. He was a wonderful guy, and he didn't deserve to be hurt so much, but he also didn't deserve to be with someone who couldn't love him the way he should be loved.

Originally Posted by Bobbe

I don't know If she would've left without that friend, I would've certainly happened much later. She admitted her self it was her friend who "opened her eyes"

I highly doubt that she is so impressionable as to make a decision this big simply because an older, married friend of hers encouraged her to. Friends can provide insight from experience, but it sounds to me as though she'd been having doubts for a long time, and perhaps felt guilty for having those doubts. A truly warm, loving person never wants to hurt someone they're close to. I can't speak for her, but it sounds like she continually tried to feel those old feelings of love for you again, and it just wasn't working.

Give her the space she's asking you for, and whether you're destined to get back together or not, treat this as though it were final. You can't start over with anyone (let alone her) until you get through this.

[Bobbe]

You're right. She was doubting for months, I knew. We talked about it. Yet it was still a surprise to me when she left, funny ain't it? I was foolish to think she would never leave. She was trying, she really did! She even said that she wanted to make it work many times but she could not give her 100 % each time. She said I deserved better than her.

Pfff this is so hard. If we had a huge fight or she was acting bad towards me, it would've be much much easier to let go. She's such a great woman, I hope she can find her happiness in life. With or without me. I hope I can find happiness again

As for the Ice Queen comment, those are her words ;)

I have to get rid of my hope. It's holding me back. Stupid heart, can't you listen to the head

I still think there's potential for a reconciliation. We're best friends, we still have great chemistry, our bond is strong enough to survive months apart.
The foundation is still there. And she fell out of love with "Insomnia-Bobbe" not the real me. Doesn't that count for something?

See? False Hope(?) I can't stop thinking like that. I KNOW I have to let her go to fully heal. I try, I really do. I just can't get her out of my thoughts.
I know there are plenty of woman out there yet I still want only one..A special one. I want to let go and I want to hold on.

Thank you for your insightful post.

[Dan72]

Bobbe,

Welcome to the forum. I can't add an awful lot to what has already been said because they are wise words.

Regardless of whether the two of you will reconcile or not, FOR NOW you need to focus on yourself and try not to torture yourself with the questions. All the questions are never answered and just bring more questions. If she fell out of love with 'insomnia-Bobbe', and you think at some point you could reconnect with her, then now is a great time for you to get YOU back. Wouldn't it be terrible if you got YOU back, became emotionally strong again, dealt with your insomnia issues in the meantime? Either way it's a win-win for you.

[Bobbe]

That's what I'm doing now. Or rather trying to do. I'm following a sleep therapy to beat the insomnia. I'm going to the gym, I need to lose some weight :p I'm trying to be more social and go out more often. I'm thinking about following a yoga course, would be a great way to meet new people and fight my stress. WAY too much stress at the moment I'm doing things I always was afraid to do or kept procrastinating..Yet I still struggle with all these things, it's not easy. But I must push true! Or else all this pain is going to be for nothing..
Maybe I should make a new topic for my goals and post daily about my achievements or failures from that day.

Thanks all for the support and advice!

[myfavoriteword]

Hi bobbe. i can't add much either, but i have one point to make. i think it's really great that you are trying to get help for your sleeping problem. i can really understand how that affected you and your relationship so much, and sleep therapy seems like a great way for you to get in touch with the "real" you. however, make sure you're really doing it for you. if it turns out that in spite of all of the changes you make down the line, your ex does not want to be with you again, make sure that that does not make you lose motivation for becoming a better person. i know that the incentive to change is really influenced by trying to get her back, but know that the change is also so that YOU like yourself better, not just so that she likes you better.

that said, your english really is great and i am also really impressed by your rationality in this situation. you're asking all the right questions. hang in there buddy you're gonna be okay

[Bobbe]

To be fair, the first 2 weeks I did 90 % for her and 10 % for me. Now I'm doing it 90 % for me! These are things I always wanted to do but I kept procrastinating or was afraid. It was mostly fear of changing, fear of new things.
Because of my fears, I lost the most precious treasure on earth, the person that meant the most to me.
I won't make the same mistake twice. From now on, I'm facing my fears head on instead of running from them.

Allthough it hurts like hell, this break-up is one of the best things that happened to me. Otherwise I would still be stuck in my old ways.

This is a new beginning and I'm going to make the best of it!

But I'm not going to lie, I'm no superman. I have my weak moments when I still cave in to the fear or just a bad day in general. But I'm learning! I have learnt more about myself in these 6 weeks than in a whole year..
Amazing actually.
I still have a long long way to go. I still haven't let go completely. I miss her everyday

Thank you all for the support and kind words! And thanks for the compliments about my English -> ego boost +1

[OhManINeedCoffee]

Originally Posted by Bobbe

But I'm not going to lie, I'm no superman. I have my weak moments when I still cave in to the fear or just a bad day in general. But I'm learning!

Ah, don't worry, Bobbe, we all do that, and it's completely normal.

What's important is all this positivity that you seem to have - attitude makes a world of difference. Keep doing what you need to do to get back into your groove. You're doing great, and you're going to be okay.