I cant get over her I want her back

[Darryl2312]

I am confused by my ex.

We were together for 3 1/2 years, stayed together for almost 2 years.
She had an 11 year old son. We split up 3 months ago.
Things were generally ok, we did argue a bit and I did put her down a bit looking back and I could be nasty to her and her son.

We had planned kids, marriage and to get a mortgage next year.
There was a lot of love there though she admitted herself we had something very special.
Things took a turn for the worst, I went on a stag night with some friends at the end of April got drunk met a german girl and cheated on my her.

When I got back I was riddled with guilt and I though I had caught an STD, so I owned up, she was devastated, we both went to docs for tests, clean. We agreed to put it behind us. Then in July we went to Mexico, argued a bit on holiday as she did ignore me at times speaking to other guys I called her a tart on one occasion.

When we got back we dumped our cases, she said she was going shopping and that was it.
We lived together for a week after the split in different rooms which was hard. i then went to London to stay with family for a week to give her space, she called to say it was over.
She agreed to move out of the house by the time I got back, she did.

When I got back she had taken pretty much everything, I continously called and text her then went to her work one day, she said I was getting nothing back and I stupidly scratched her car and owned up. Then she called to say come to my work to talk and when I got there I was arrested!
I was kept in a cell over night taken to court in the morning and given bail that said I could not contact her stupidly I did. She reported me and I was taken in again.
Eventually I got 200 hours community service.

2 weeks ago after almost 2 months of no contact I text her to say she can pick up the rest of her things she text back ok, we then talked that day on/off for about 2 hours then nothing!
She agreed to take her name of our house as it was a joint tenancy but never did. I contacted a solicitor to see about getting some of my things back as I was scared if I contacted her Id end up in prison, she would have got the solicitors letter a few days after we talked. I explained and said I had been seeing other people, I dont know if I annoyed her or no, she text back saying I dont want you calling or texting me we have both moved on. When we talked I asked if she was happier now and how she felt I also asked if shed like to meet she wouldnt be honest with me about her feelings and said she wasnt ready to meet.

Im sure she is seing someone else which hurts.
The other day she agreed to go to sign her name of the house she didnt go.
I text to ask why she called gave me abuse on the phone said im going now and now you wont need to text or call me, when she left she admitted she was fighting against her feelings for me.
Am I reading too much into this ?

what do you think, is there hope, what should I do ?
I really want her back so much, I'm so alone.

[bustertypsy]

Darryl,cheating,criminal damage,calling her names.Not exactly the ingredients of a healty relationship,are they? A lot has happened here and you have so many amends to make.By the look of it I don't see her showing any enthusiasm to want you back.

There really is only so much you can do. Firstly and most importantly stay within the law or you will only make matters worse for yourself and lessen any chance you may have.

All you can do IMO is send her a letter about how you feel.Ask her forgiveness and let her know you want another chance.Tell her you will never bother her or contact her again unless she wants you to do so.Then walk,pick up the pieces of your life and leave her be,forever,if need be.You cannot control her feelings,so let her make the decisions without your influence.

[Jentegrity]

I really don't know what else this woman can do to let you know she does not want you back. I mean, having you arrested, restraining orders, etc. Even if the two of you did make up yet again, you can bet that your life together will be a constant drama. Something to think about. Is that what you really want?

I say start No Contact again. If she wants to contact you, she will. And if she doesn't, Darryl....LEAVE HER ALONE. Women have restraining orders put on men for a reason. Now if she does contact you, I strongly recommend the two of you go for counselling. You would be surprised at how much it can help both of you.

God Bless, and good luck !!!

[SuperDave71]

Darryl2312,


Hello and welcome to theLoveLogic. I am sorry about your circumstances and I hope you start feeling better soon.


Now...this is the part your probably NOT going to like but I must say I agree with bustertypsy on this on.

You went to a stag party and got drunk and had sex with a german girl. Let's look at this for a second. The action is bad enough but to say alcohol MADE you do it is a cop out. You wanted to and alcohol just lowered your inhibitions. I have been there and done that but to say "alcohol" made me do it not not presenting the truth.

For example:

Pint of Beer: 'Ello Darryl..See that german girl over there...why don't ya ask her for a shag? I am making you do this in case there is any questions"

Darryl: "Burp....er.....hic.....burp......ok as long as you are making me."

When I got back I was riddled with guilt and I though I had caught an STD, so I owned up, she was devastated, we both went to docs for tests, clean. We agreed to put it behind us. Then in July we went to Mexico, argued a bit on holiday as she did ignore me at times speaking to other guys I called her a tart on one occasion

Let me explain something about people, THEY NEVER PUT CHEATING BEHIND THEM...THEY ONLY TUCK IT AWAY IF YOU ARE LUCKY. What I mean is, if you are honest enough to show someone you love that it was a mistake and you admit you were wrong and ask forgiveness AND You CONTINUOUSLY SHOW them you love them and want them in your life ..it is POSSIBLE they can tuck it away.

Put yourself in HER shoes for a moment, if SHE went to a party and she shagged a guy because "she was drunk"....how would you react? Would YOU be able to put it behind you? Somehow I doubt it. Could you forgive her?

'What's good for the goose is good for the gander.'

Translated means:

What is good for a man is equally good for a woman; or, what a man can have or do, so can a woman have or do. This comes from an earlier proverb, 'What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.'

As far as the trip to mexico, I believe the hard truth is the she "checked out of the relationship" meaning she emotionally has left. She may be there in body but NOT in her heart. May times, the heart leaves BEFORE a breakup. Why this happens is because they are waiting to meet someone else BEFORE they leave. It make sthe transition easier.

It is very possible she was just being social. I was not there but it could have happened. So what do you do? What every woman wants from her lover ...Ya called her a tart. Did she swoon? Did she run into your arms and kiss you passionately?

Sometimes we need a harsh bit of reality to kick us in the pants to make us realize that "HEY...maybe I was at fault!"

With all the drama in your post, I think the best plan is to let her go. THe damage has been done and you both need to move on. I don't mean to hurt your feeling and I know you are hurting. I wish you all the happiness you can find but the relationship is NOT a healthy one. Where was all the "love" you talked about? It wasn't in your post above.

To me, you need to learn to forgive yourself. Know that you made some big mistakes in your time with her and that you need to take a long, hard look at your life and what your definition of love is.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

1 Corinthians 13:4-7


I wish you the best. Take time for yourself and remember we are here to listen.

All you have to do is post. Take care Darryl.


Your Friend,


SuperDave71

[Insight411]

Welcome to TLL Darryl. It's good to have you here. You will meet many friends that have shared similar walks and can provide valuable information to you. Please take heed and gain as much knowledge possible from them.

Your situation is a sad one but I won't begin to feel sorry for you, you are doing enough of that for the both of us. Cheating - wow....been there done that. That creates huge problems D. You are not the 1st guy to do it nor will you be the last but wrong is wrong regardless of who does it. So what can you learn from this? What can you gain?

For starters, let's stop feeling sorry for self. It's time to forgive you. It's not possible to go back in life and change ANYTHING; but you can become a better person now and change your future. You started with a bad decision (cheating) and decided to pile many other bad decisions on top. I could only grimace reading your post because I could see the pile up happening. Enough of the bad decisions - Time to start making some wise ones now, time to make better decisions.

Darryl it's time to make some changes in your world and the one thing you can change in all this - is YOU. Time to focus on you. Take your focus off of her and pay attention to what you are doing to self. Jail time.....twice? Let's wake up D. You don't want to stay on this downward spiral. You can't make someone come back to you, that's their choice; But you can certainly run someone away. And your actions are forcing her further and further away. Please allow time and distance to salvage her opinion of you. Don't make that worse. I hope you will wake enough to see what everyone is trying to tell you. D, It's time to move on!

None of us know what the future holds but we can definitely read the signs of disaster ahead. It's time to stop chasing, calling and bothering her. Stop trying to get material things back, those can be replaced. Don't use those as an excuse to have some contact with her. Focus on keeping your mental health, that is much harder to replace if you lose it. Please allow yourself time and space to heal. You will be amazed how much better this round ball of people will look.

You ask if you are reading too much into this. I think you are reading the hope you want into this. It's time to stop including her in your thoughts of "right now." Let those thoughts (thoughts of right now) be about a better you. Because if you are not a better you, why would she or anyone else want you? Let's focus on you, how to improve you and watch how things will slowly improve. Remember, just because you are not talking to her right now DOES NOT mean that you are alone. We are here for and with you.....this you will see.

[Darryl2312]

Thanks folks, I really appreciate the replies. I'm not a bad person ive just done some idiotic things, Im staying with parents at the moment I cant bear to move back into the house it holds too many memories. Youre all right I am just pushing her further away Ill just leave her be and what will be will be. I met a nice girl but pushed her away because i CONSTANTLY talked of my ex I never realised at the time but I did. I need to stop this and stop comparing girls that I meet to me ex and appreciate them for who they are. Ive messed up in a big way. I just hope I meet someone as special again and I will certainaly learn from my mistakes.

[SuperDave71]

Darryl2312,


Your not a bad person. We want you to know we are here to HELP you not hurt you.

Like insight411 said, you are not the first to make mistakes. We all have. The difference is that this is happening to you right now. I am sorry for your hurting. I know this is not easy for you. I am afraid if you try anything else with your ex that you will only push her away more.

We want you to feel better. Keep posting so we can help you along the way.


Take care,



SuperDave71

[Darryl2312]

Hi folks, well I did something very stupid over the weekend, I drunkenly text at 3am sat morning, feeling sorry for myself going home alone I was in tears.
She called later that day, we talked she said I cant text at that time I said ok.
She admitted to me our holiday was make or break which hurts I guess I said we should have talked. Im staying with my parents at the moment as I cant face staying in that house it holds too many memories. I offered to sign the house over to her when we talked she agreed if I didnt want it that was fine, I also got her Xmas present a long weekend in New York for us (I stay in Scotland) I intended to propose there said I wanted her to have it she said ok no qualms ! What does this say about her, when we split up I also bought her a £200 watch which she kept ! I just cannot get over her, she said she saw me in a bar one night I said why did you not say hello she said I was otherwise engaged ith a girl ! Later on Sat I text to ask the plans for the house when we were going to go etc. she made no sense so I called she was very nasty raising her voice as she was in company I said look I am trying to do you a favour and just want you to aknowledge that, she then hung up. I asked her to be honest about everything but she would not go into anything and said she would rather hang up. I then sent a text telling her the truth who I had seen since we split up I said I want honesty now I will be honest. She then sent the following text:
Darryl keep the house New York and my things. Have a happy life. Please do not text or call me again thankyou.
Did I get to her ? Guess that was the plan.
I really feel so lonely at the moment I can see my friends are getting sick of hearing about it I dont want to push them away.
Its my birthday 2 days before Xmas, spending that and Xmas without her is a horrible thought that scares me then new year. Im 28 on my birthday, im so scared for the future I dont think I will ever meet anyone as special or beautiful again, I feel so rejected unattractive & low, I have had some dark thoughts, I know I need to pick myself up but I just cant

[SuperDave71]

Darryl2312,


Good morning from Memphis. I just read your post and I know you are hurting. I know that you probably can't get her out of your head and probably your heart.

I do have to present a little reality your way if you don't mind. You have told us how much you love her and can't "get over her". What happened to the love for your ex at the stag party? What happened to all that love when you neglected her? What happened to all that love when you would call her names and be nasty to her?

You are hurting AFTER THE FACT. Did you not see this when you were together? Did she not give you warnings saying she did not like the way you treated her and her son? Did you ignore her? Did you think she would never leave?

Tell me this, I want to be clear on something and PLEASE correct me if I am wrong but according to you post you did the following:

1. Cheated
2. Was nasty to her and argued alot
3. Called her names ( a tart )
4. Scratched her car, harassed her and was arrested

Now my question to you is simple. Why on earth would she WANT TO COME BACK TO YOU? Where is the prize? Where is the man she hope she found in you? What happened to all that love when you were TOGETHER? Why did you find it now?

Is this love or obsession over something that doesn't want you?

Love is patient ... Love is kind....Love is not jealous or boastful....

You have alot of life lessons to learn Darryl and this is not going to be easy. It's funny how we all learn from our failures. It's time to let go Darryl. You need to realize that you were not the man she hoped for. I think this is something you will never forget and hopefully learn from.

I know it's hard. I know all the feeling syou are probably feeling but you must admit your guilt, accept the fact you did not treat her well and learn from it. Take this time to reflect back on your behavior and do something productive to change fo rthe better. You can do it! It is going to take a lot of work but harrassing her and making her uncomfortable will ONLY VALIDATE HER REASON FOR LEAVING.

You are going to have to be strong my friend. Realize that a ring, a poem, a song, a house a car or anything else tanglible is not going to bring her back....

The truth be told ..all she wanted was your love and you couldn't provide that t the time. Love doesn't cost a thing and you can give it away.

Learn from your mistakes and I pray you can get yourself together.

Please continue to post is you need us. I know this is so hard and we are here for you. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.


I wish you hapiness!

Your Friend,


SuperDave71

[Darryl2312]

Thanks Dave,

You are a star, the signs were there I just didnt realise at the time.
Maybe it is an obsession, the thought of her at it with someone else kills me guess I know what she felt like. I knew myself deep down the love was dying for me anyway, I questioned if it was what I wanted at times but she had moved her son 70 miles new school etc. I didnt want to let them down.
Every week was the same in fairness Dave I was bored, Mon - Thurs, work, dinner, bed normal I guess, Fri, work, curry, DVD which I did enjoy, Sat watch her son play football then she would go to Dundee and hour away to visit family and drop her son off at his dads she would return sun midday wed then go to cinema food then her son would come home and wed do it all over again. I think I just miss having someone next to me in bed, company and the old cliche ROUTINE ! I am worried about the future I am very low and unconfident at the moment, my friends are all getting married at the moment, I feel so alone its all my fault, it will kill me to see her with someone else.
Her son now stays with his dad, he didnt want to move house, I feel like I have not only ruined my life but theirs as well for what a quick shag :anon: