IS There more?

[SHOPPERGIRL]

Hi,


I was dating a really nice shy guy for a year,early on in the relationship I made it clear that i was dating for marriage and looking to settle down.
Looking back I put a lot of emphasis on this because I really didnt want to get hurt and I ended up really wanting to never go home with out this man.
At first he wasnt looking for the same but we had discussions of marriage and he said he would be lucky to marry me since I was his first love (and we know how those are, some ppl date 10 people some date 100 until the find the one )

As he transitioned from grad school to the real world I was there supporting his dreams, he treated me lovingly. The problem started to unspiral when he couldnt make a decision if he wanted to marry me, communication broke down eventhough with my outspoken personality I assured him he could tell me his concerns so we could address them together. The night we split up he brought a pen and paper and tried to work out his concerns but he kept saying I love you iwant to marry you but I dont know. he confessed There were a lot of perosnal issues going on in his life and he got depressed about it and wanted to go back to a therpaist he once seen to deal with the stress. I understood but I left angry, and told him there was no point in dragging out a relationship with out an offical comittment.

Of course I make the mistake that you arent suppose to, I called him a week later and complained, he said he just wanted to be alone, so I was pissed but I had no choice. I had for LC for 2 weeks, he said he wanted me in his life , but he feels" down and out of it" . I then started NC for 6 weeks up to the holidays, when i emailed him saying agreeing space can be helpful for us but maybe we will catch up sometime no pressure- got no answer. during these weeks I have been instropecting see what I did wrong, looking up information on certain condition he has which i thought affected the realtiosnhip and trying to go on with my life.

I was on a date recently and I saw him there with another girl he didnt see me until on the way out, so I looked up at him and said hey how are you? he turned his head and looked away. I was so hurt by the reaction.
I mean I read soemthing about the push pull theory(u pulled them they get closer you push them away and be condifeident theyll come back nc etc) i mean a couple weeks ago i wrote a holiday message trying to catch up and here I am on date with another man.(he was on a date too!) I think him not saying hello was rude even though his date was walking way ahead and didnt see. I am trying to keep calm patience and move foward !

why did he turn his head away?
what do you guy think of this sittaution? will he be back for more?

[SuperDave71]

Welcome to theLoveLogic. Always great to see new members. Your information given seems as if you may have pressureed him in an non-pressuring way. Realize that you can't make your expectations someone elses if they don't feel the same. Regardless of how much love you have for someone, you can't make them someone they're not.

I know you love this man. I am certain you gave him all you have but understand that he is not in the same place you are at the moment. He may have concerns that you are unaware of. When someone doesn't know where they're going, it's hard to find the ending destination. Take some time to put yourself in his shoes. Look at yourself from HIS perespective and you might be able to see things a bit more clearly.

Thanks for sharing yoru situation and I hope we continue to hear about your progress. Thanks for joining us.


Your Friend,


SuperDave71

[SHOPPERGIRL]

Thanks !!!!!!


I have read many of your post they are great!!!!!!!!!!!!.
I have put myself in his shoes over and over happily and lovingly I tried not put pressure on him, but it was really hard bc there was so much i wanted to do and share with him, i regret walking out but he didnt know what he wanted ive beat myself up over about loosing patinec and thats why i left him be,
maybe he is dating to see what else is out there, all this time i thought he was just trying to deall with his stress and be on road to recovery, not personal.
yikes
thanks again.

[SuperDave71]

Shopper,

but it was really hard bc there was so much i wanted to do and share with him

I want you to look at the above statement and think about it. I know exactly what you mean by this statement, yet this is about YOU not him. This is indeed a loving statement, yet it does present pressure on him if he is not in the same place. His thoughts, feelings and concerns are his own. You cannot change them. Despite your loving nature, realize that there is a big difference between loving someone completely and loving someone all you can.


Think about it....


Thanks again,


SuperDave71

[suzie q]

hey there.

i can't tell you what he's thinking or if he'll be back for more, but it seems to me that he is at a point where he doesn't know what he wants. the fact that he ignored you says to me that he's not ready to talk to you. i agree with superdave that you should try to see yourself from his perspective. the more you push, the more he'll pull away.

that being said, it's important that you don't blame yourself for the ending of the relationship. it takes two people to make a relationship work and two people to break it.

it's important to learn the lesson and realize that we only have the power to change ourselves; we cannot change other people, no matter how hard we try.

it's NOT important whether or not he will come back. none of us know that, so i'd urge you to just take this time and focus on yourself. what can you do to be a better person? what can you do to move on from this situation? what will make you happy? changing the way we think eliminates a lot of pain in the future and speeds up the healing process.

before i came here, i thought this 'focus on yourself and the now' thing was mumbo jumbo bs. when they told me it, i was like "what do you guys know?!" turns out they know a lot because i have learned, even though i still hurt sometimes, that the only way i can move forward and be happy is to just let it be and focus on what i can do for myself.

positive thoughts are important! i know we can help you get through this because there are so many people here who are going through and have gone through what you're experiencing right now. one day at a time!

[SHOPPERGIRL]

Thanks,

I apreciate it. it does hit home, during one point 6 months in i said it ok if you arent ready, so you can leave , he came back with in three days he wanted to keep going so we did, we told each other were comitted to spending time togther and making the relatiosnhip work.... but here we are a year and some months later.

I think i saw him in the cafe on a date for a reason, at first i was ok with it gave me some relife that i said hi, and he saw me another guy, but now i feel like im relapsing going through the same emotions all over.
yet i know everything will be ok, one step at time in a positive way .

[SuperDave71]

Shopper,


Sounds as if you gave him a ultimatum.

during one point 6 months in i said it ok if you arent ready, so you can leave

When ultimatums are issued, be prepared for pride to kick in. Regardless of how much love you feel, pride can stop love in it's tracks. The reason is that pride is proving you wrong on mere principle. Of course in retrospect, how is an ultimatum loving?

Think about it.



-SuperDave71

[SHOPPERGIRL]

i know youre right, it was the wrong approach so i backed off a lot he made decisions to stay with me a year, i believed he loved me but coulndt handle it :'( i wish i could fix it, and realize that now. I also realized about ROCD (relatioship obessisve compulsive disorder) which was I beleive a factor, since he has pure Ocd, suzie is right, it takes two people to make the relatiosnhip go maybe i was demanding and i have apologized to him about this, by him not being able to express him self by not telling me whats wrong, he would shut down not answer calls, i would ask him how feels he couldnt get the words out, and thats what i call a silent temper tantrum

[maximus]

I think you put this guy in a very tough position right from the get-go. Initially he was reluctant to go into the relationship but I think it is clear that he liked you enough to give it a try, after all, its hard to know how something is going to turn out without giving it a try. I think his ambivalence kept on showing throughout the relationship and it was hard for you to understand it as it is probably your nature to know what you want and stick to it.

I think that it is very likely that he needs sometime for himself and figure out if he wants to come back to you. You both seem to be dating and nobody has mentioned that if you are ONLY dating for marriage then everyone you see is a potential "marriage" suitor, even though he was on a date and you were in another he also could have assumed that the situation was serious and thus his response towards you. You may need also sometime to think your approach to relationships, since you only date for marriage you will probably (but not surely) have a higher chances of success by only dating people who are absolutely sure that they want to marry......if you choose to date somebody that does not fall within that range make sure that you are going to meet him in the middle and understand that he is dating in order to see IF he wants to marry and hasnt made a conclusion in regards to that case yet. If you can handle that line of thinking then make sure to talk about your partner how it can affect you and your relationship.


best of luck

Maximus.

[xxSPHYNXxx]

Shoppergirl~welcome to the lovelogic.

I have read thru your post and I tend to agree with what Dave and Maximus have stated. Looking in from an outside perspective he knows exactly where you stand and I think he has conflicts going on inside his head...although he wanted a relationship with you, he knows in the end you are wanting marriage and he at this time is not ready.

As for seeing you while you were both out? We can only speculate/assume as to why he didnt respond to you. You have to remember you are the one that left. Take this time to concentrate on what you can do to make you a better "you" and also focus on staying positive.

I wish you the best, please keep us posted on how your doing.

xxSPHYNXxx

[SHOPPERGIRL]

hi all,

Here we are 4 months later and I wanted to update you on my situation!
I have really started to take care of myself again, and make little posted notes to remind of the things I need to do to feel good and move on, it really helps!

However since the break up I have learned a lot and have been dating others.
Although I hope there is still some love left between us I dont feel the need to get back together anymore. I have learned so much since our break up and wish I could apologize for the angry hurtful confusing way things ended between us. I tried to contact him once to say I am sorry, and collect my belongings but he didnt respond- of course...

I beileve everything comes full circle in life and hope he is learning a lot about our realtionship by being apart. I am his first love and after a year it really does take a lot of time to get over i really understand that now... theres a lot we both have to learn and thats what really caused the break up learning what we wanted and how to deal with each other while achieving our individual goals.

I think with time and patience I hope to atleast to say" i apreciate the time I had with you and im sorry for the mean things I said I loved you and wish you well".... hopefully one day when hes ready to talk to me again.

[suzie q]

thanks for the update, shoppergirl.

it's really great to see you doing well! i am glad you've taken the steps you need to in order to focus on yourself and make changes in your life. change can be really great!

it's so important that the lesson be learned in these difficult stages of life. without learning the lesson, we'd have gone through all the pain and sorrow for nothing.

it's great hearing from you and i look forward to more updates!