Break Ups Don't Always Mean That It's Over

[SuperDave71]

Hello Everyone,

I have read countless posts here regarding break-ups and heartache. I to remember the depression diet as well as the many hours of thinking of the worst case scenerio. The mind can be a cruel thing if you don't get a hold of yourself in moments of weakness and hurt. I am living proof that relationships CAN be rekindled and better than before. There has been many post with wonderful advice....the key to all of the advice here is you must choose to take it or leave it. If you do not have a plan, you're lost. It will be difficult to find what you are hoping for otherwise.

Break-ups, though they hurt, need to be looked at from a different point of view rather than OVER. Someone once said that if you take the "L" out of LOVER that it is OVER........not true.



Rule 1.
Relax...take a deep breath and let it out. As long as you two are not dead there is hope, even if the other is involved.


Rule 2.
Be patient. Remember this...if you focus on them and NOT YOU..you are in for a rude awakening. People need time to reflect on "What just happened?" If you sit in a room and ponder what you did wrong with the light out listening to bad AIR SUPPLY tunes...your not focusing. There is nothing wrong however with grieving....been there...done that. (Just stay away from AIR SUPPLY)


Rule 3.
I believe with all that I am in the NO CONTACT rule. Why do ya ask? Well, pleading will get you NO where and you come off as weak and needy. No one likes signs of desperation. This also applies to those out there that want to send flowers and gifts....THEY WON'T WORK!! Any gift will be looked at as manipulation. A big no no. The way I see it is if you do not contact the other..you make NO MISTAKES!!! Makes sense! If you Pick up the phone ...chances are you will get hurt whether it was something they say to you, or something you said to them....it usally makes you feel worse as you dig into Blue Bell ice cream asking yourself "Why the HELL did I say that!!!??"


Rule 4.
See Rule 3 again..IT'S THAT IMPORTANT!!


Rule 5.
Work on yourself! After a good grieving period (only you know how long) you need to work on you. Do this FOR YOU..not them. Wanna lose some weight, need a new outfit, get those power tools if ya want'em...
Focus on you and think about what happened in the relationship...What would you change if you had them back? Do you need them back or do you WANT them back? <-- HUGE Difference. Were your needs being fulfilled while in the relationship? If not, why? THese were things I asked myself while I was away from my girl.


Rule 6.
They will call..JUST BE PATIENT!!! I promise you.....this almost NEVER fails. The key is NOT TO CALL THEM FIRST...try not to grab the phone as soon as it rings or maybe even don't pick it up. Make yourself LESS available. This is HARD AS HELL TO DO (I can't lie) but if you do...they will want to contact you more and more. Its a reverse psycology thing.


Rule 7.
Stay calm and don't ask STUPID questions....(i.e. Have ya slept with _ _ _ _ _ _ _ yet? or how is your new @#$%^ loser boyfriend?)

If you be someones friend rather than bombard them with questions...you come off as more relaxed and together. People tend to tray away from crazy people (ha ha) I woudl stray away from using the "LOVE" word as well....people tend to run like FOREST GUMP when hearing it after a break-up or it just hurts to bad.



Rule 8.
Take is slow!. Don't rush. Be their friend most of all and let them open up to you if they want. Don't criticize or blame for mistakes that led to the break-up. Listen.....they will tell you and show you what they are feeling.....when I say listen..I mean with your ears and your heart.


Rule 9
Use your best judgement.......Remember....if you screw up and go to fast, or blame or any of the other HORRIBLE things that people do when they break-up..its your own fault. I am not saying other poeple are not cruel but if YOU make the mistakes...my point taken.


Rule 10
If they come back..DO NOT TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED!!! Love them like there is NO TOMORROW!!!



These are just a few things to think about on your road to getting back together. You can do it!! I know you can....Keep your head on straight and focus....Remember..you goal is to have them back again in your arms FOR THE RIGHT REASONS!!


Take care and good luck to you all...


Feel free to send me an PM if you would like...I will be more than happy to listen...


Your Friend,


SuperDave71



PS. Remember....Everyone has a different situation....in my post above I used the term "rules". Please keep in mind these are basic guidelines that you could follow. The main thing is to maintain control of you. No one can change you BUT YOU. If you are basing your happiness on someone else..then it won't work. You need to be happy with yourself first.

Keep in mind some poeple in this world are in love with the FEELING of being loved or wanted. Do not mistake this feeling for the real thing. Look inside yourself and ask yourself what you expect of someone and don't settle. If the one you love can't meet what you deserve..maybe it was better that your apart.

In closing....

If there is a core of loving between two people, I believe that it can be rekindled better than ever...the key ladies and gentlemen is not falling in love......IT'S STAYING IN LOVE


Just my 2 cents worth..

[Unca]

Excellent advice, as ever from you Superdave!

And I just noticed that we have alot of guests viewing this post, obviously finding the site in the same way I did by googling on how to get over a breakup.

Can I just say to the guests, read everything on this site, it does get better and you will come out the other end stronger no matter what happens with you and your ex.

Now...go click on the Register button! ;)

[SuperDave71]

Thank you so much Unca. That means alot!


Great to have you hear with us.


Your Friend,

SuperDave71

[hanah_gracieux]

wow.. very well written.. i jus broke up wid my guy a month back.. things werent working out gud between us. i tried a hell lot. tried to adjust in evry way. but he wasnt making any effort to meet my expectations. i broke up the third time for the same reason. he wants me to get back. but sumhow i dnt want to though i still love him n think of him alot. neways. i liked the rules!!

[bustertypsy]

Wow!! This advice is immeasurable.Forget about Obama,McCain........SuperDave for president.....

[pkc]

I have read and re read this email so many times and honestly its gets me through the hurt. I am in the middle of a break/break up;whatever you want to call it. I believe in us and in our relationship and just don't want to loose hope in that. Everyone keeps saying "you're strong, you will get over this." I don't want to get over this. We were living together and I have know moved back home (in a different state.) Which could be a blessing or a curse. He needs time and space to figure out his career, his feelings etc.. and I love him so I support that and I need him to figure those things out before he can truly be with me and give me what I need. I do believe that we can be back together and better than ever so can you please tell me why I can't stop crying and why this hurts so bad? I am afraid that I will never see him again or that this really may be over.. My perfect picture of us has been shattered and I don't know how to pick up and say "ok this is the best thing for us, space and time is not the end." I analyze everything he says, I cry continuously.. Sorry I am going on and on.. Just know that your words "unless the two of you are dead there is always hope" have gotten me through so rough nights this week. Thank you and keep them coming.

pkc

[suzie q]

hey pkc!

i am sorry that it's so hard for you. i, too, moved out of my ex's house so he can figure out what's going on with his feelings.

it's only been 3 weeks and it was really hard for me to think this is for the best at first. actually, i only really started believing that a few days ago. i want to be with him and i really believe we can work this out, but i truely believe now that this is for the best. i don't want to be with someone who isn't 1000% sure about what he wants in life. also, i want him to have the space and time he needs to sort through all of this, which i why i started no contact 12 days ago.

bottom line, his decision has nothing to do with me. he needs to work on himself before he can really be the best he can be in a relationship, which is probably the case with your ex.

i wish you so much luck. i posted something a few days ago that i read every day since i found it. i posted it under "because it's just THATgood" i suggest you read it.

please use these forums--they have helped me so much in these last few weeks. be strong! and keep me updated :).

[LM1982]

Hey everyone...it's conforting to know that other people are going through exact same thing. My boyfriend and I broke up a week ago and my heart is hurting soo bad. First we took a break..and had some contact which was confusing..and then he decided he wanted to break up. I would say 99% of our relationship was amazing. The other 1% i would pull some moody fits. We dated for 6 months and were getting past the honeymoon phase and starting to get to know eachother even more. Anywayzz,,the point is i have hope that we will get back together. I want to believe he needs his space, go out with his friends and figure out if he really wants to be with me and try to compromise our different characters. He is 33 and I am 26. He has a hard time expressing what he feels which complicates our communication...I am the opposite..I put everyone on the table. He knows he has this problem and I told him that I accepted that and was completely willing to work with him to make things better. Not to change him, but just help him be a little more expressive.

I want to tell everyone to have hope. I am trying to be very strong here. I think when people break up , they owe it to themselves to focus and analyze things from a different point of view. And this way you see things you didnt see when you were together. If you get back together , then you will be more aware and on the road to an even better relationship that will make both of even happier.