What did I expect?!

[FreeWheelrrrrr]

For the past 10 months I have been dating, well, practically living together with my GF who BTW is still married. What did I expect?!

We fell in love quickly after we met and she quickly moved out of her marital house and marriage. She lived with a friend for awhile then moved in with her parents, she was living with me 3 to 4 days a week. What did I expect?!

We traveled extensively, Mexico, SC, Fla, met and celebrated holidays with each other entire families and she got quite attached to my 11 yr old daughter, all seemed great. What did I expect?!

After returning from an amazing trip to Cancun in mid January, something wasn't quite right, we came home and she was distant, she said the trip made it seem like we were on our honeymoon, I think she spooked. What did I expect?!

I got into her cell phone and noticed text messages to her estranged husband, asking if he wanted to meet for lunch, how was he, did he get the incense she sent him etc. I called her on it telling her I sensed something wasn't right and I believed she was having 2nd thoughts...she said it was nothing, just working out the divorce. What did I expect?!

Things for me have been up and down like a roller coaster for the past 2 months. Over the last 3 weeks she's talked about and we have tried, the "taking a break" thing.... what the hell is that anyway? The break was not to date others, but for her to be by herself and get happy being alone and stop relying on me for her happiness. There was to be no contact other than a once a week call on Wednesday morning to say hi...yes folks, ridiculous, I know. What did I expect?!

The longest break lasted exactly 19 hrs after which I received 2 phone calls and 2 texts telling me how much I meant to her, she couldn't do this and wanted to get back together. What did I expect?!

When she came over that Monday after the weekend break, I noticed a valet ticket still under her wiper blade, I took it off and noticed the digital date and time stamp 3/15/08 - 9:53pm...actually a late night for my GF who when she's with me is content going to bed at 10pm on a Saturday night, all of a sudden she's parking her car at 10pm on Saturday night...without me?!? When I asked her about the evening out, she simply stated she went out to dinner with her GF's and a local restaurant. I let it go not thinking much about it. What did I expect?!

This past week, I got the EZ Pass statement that showed her car being 15 minutes South of the restaurant she said she was at and heading in the opposite direction (into NYC) at 9:15pm. HUH? What did I expect?!

The other night I inquired about the confusing digital valet ticket I found on her windshield that BTW is given out at parking garages for time tracking purposes and not at ANY local restaurant and the EZ pass confusion...WOW, she went off, telling me she didn't appreciate being interrogated and being treated like a criminal and she wondered if I was the untrusting, insecure type? A very defensive posture to say the least! HUH? She told me her and her friends went to dinner in NJ then into NYC to a club. After much explaining about the emotional roller coaster that she had me on for the past month, we finally settled things down and went to bed, but just before bed I asked what club she went to and she told me the name of it. I went to bed with my mental wheels spinning. What did I expect?!

The next day went by with me unable to get to a computer to research the club she said she went to. That evening I came home from work to find my GF waiting in the driveway for me. We went out to dinner, came home, made passionate love and she left to go back to her parents because she didn't have enough clothes at my house.

Something hit me, I never finished checking into the club she said she went to. I pulled it up, checked out the bands playing on the night she was there and LOW & BEHOLD, one of the bands that was playing was her estranged husbands best friends band...pure innocent, coincidence, right? I recall her telling me about this band several weeks ago and that she didn't like em, but that her husband liked to go into the city to see em play and she never went.
Emotion got the best of me, I immediately called her and found out that she really went into the city at the request of her husband and the band, she went in with her friends and met her husband at the club.
My turn to go off. I told her these so called breaks were nothing more than openings for her to say we weren't together when she met with her husband, so there was no guilt, what BS! Obviously, if the tables had been turned, she'd be JUST as upset if not more. The phone conversation/ scream fest (on my part) ended with me calling her an f'in liar and her hanging up on me, followed by 2 calls from her that I ignored, 1 text and a voice message.

According to her apology letter the next day, the reason she didn't tell me about being in NYC with her husband was, "to spare me some more hurt" and that nothing happened between them, they went home separately. The apology letter also went on to say that she has been having 2nd thoughts about the divorce and that being with me has made it that much tougher cause in her heart she's knows I am the man for her...What did I expect?!

I blew the NC rule today when I texted her telling her she was in my thoughts and prayers and wishing her luck with the "medium" she was seeing to contact her missing/ deceased father. She text me back saying she hoped it would help heals some scars from her past and that she hoped we could heal our scars sometime very soon.

It's called a break-up cause it's broken, I know in my heart that I can in NO WAY take her back after the lies and betrayal she dumped on me but I feel I need more of an explanation from her, WHY??! Trust is everything and while we have had some other small issues related to honesty, I chalked them up to going through a divorce. Let's not forget to mention the emotional roller coaster she has had me on for too long now. I have to keep reminding myself I had NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!

Sorry to have rambled on, but writing about this has helped and any advice or feedback from anyone who has been able to read this entire saga would be great!!

I'm tired and my heart aches...
Scott

[AJ30]

Oh Scott... I'm so sorry, yeah I think even the most intelligent of us can get caught up into wanting "to believe".... hell I'm no different than you, I've wanted to believe that I've had a great guy in my life for the past two years and chose to avoid facing any kind of reality whatsoever....

It so totally sucks, but loving someone so much will make you walk around with blinders on..... you just (we) don't wanna see the truth really do we?..... No we don't....

You've been so totally, completely and blindly in love that you've not seen what the reality of the situation is... and now that you are being forced to see it, you are hurting... and tell me who wouldn't be eh?

Let her go.... yeah I know, I never took this advice myself very well way back when and I too, should have.

Leave the ball in her court, she has dragged your heart through bloody hell..... make it end here.... no more pain for you, I think you've had enough of that.... I guess sometimes we have to be totally reemed emotionally to actually get to the point where we think with our brains instead of our hearts...

Take care, hang out here, talk to us.... I'm healing myself....

Together we can pull through this....

Be strong!

xxxx

Sandy

[Simplylost]

Originally Posted by FreeWheelrrrrr

Sorry to have rambled on, but writing about this has helped and any advice or feedback from anyone who has been able to read this entire saga would be great!!

I'm tired and my heart aches...
Scott

hI Scott,

you have not rambled on. As you have experienced, it helps to get it out of your head and into words. You are hurting, very much, and lots of us understand it.

Take a deep breath, and focus on your own emotions. I know it is not easy, when your heart is broken it can seem almost impossible, the pain is crushing; I know because I am going through it at the moment. However, listen to the excellent advice people give you on this site - it does really, really help I promise you.

Your girlfriend seems to be having panicky moments about her impending divorce, and it is right for her to sort out what she really wants. It does all seem a bit messy. I know this hurts but it would hurt more if she went through with it, and then blamed you because she felt she had made a mistake.

I dont have the answers, as i said I am going through it, but before you do anything just take time to think. Your post suggests you have been on a bit of a roller coaster ride emotionally, and you need to get off and stand on firm ground for a while.

best wishes

SL x

[FreeWheelrrrrr]

Thanks all!

I received another text message from her this morning saying how well her session with the medium went last night. The problem is, the last part of her text was cut off because my Blackberry only accepts up to 160 characters. TORTURE!

Here is her text...
I wont bother u with all the details, but i will say that finally we have closure! He was there Scott and he really is with me! Its an amazing feeling. Oh and I

Oh and I....??? OMG this is torture, I SOOO want to respond back and say your text message got cut off, but something is telling me DON'T DO IT, it doesn't matter what else she has to say. I am happy she feels she contacted her father from the beyond, but the fact of the matter remains, she lied to me, she's married and betrayal is unforgivable...Sorry folks, I know me and forgiving and forgetting is NOT something I can do. I am going to try to spend the rest of the day staying busy and NOT responding to the text, I NEED to have the control for a change, NOT her!

Thanks again for listening!
Scott

[Insight411]

Scott that is a complicated relationship, to say the least. You are at a disadvantage from the start when falling for someone that is married. These are situations we should run from but most have fallen prey whether we choose to admit it or not.

In the start of a relationship such as this, trust is an issue - front and center. Ignored or not, fact is the married party is cheating to be with you. This is a truth that will linger in your mind and perhaps surface one day to affect your behavior. It appears to have surfaced in you.

The searching through her cell phone....lack of trust. The messages, valet ticket, explanations and meetings could be innocent....but not with lack of trust. Without trust you no longer have a relationship, you have a reality show - a competition. Attention is no longer paid to loving and growing....suspicion will always win out unless you two talk openly and dispel that trust lack. If you don't clear the air, the time that should be spent in comfortable love will be consumed with you attempting to camouflage uncomfortable doubt.

Your lack of trust turned you into an investigator and that was not going to be good. You were looking for proof at that point and in many cases you will find it. Even in some cases, whatever you find will serve as proof or you will make it fit.....kind of like vaguely written horoscopes. So when that trust is gone, it a bad sign. Remember if you can't trust your mate's answers or words, it's probably a good indicator this relationship is on a downward spiral.

I digress. I think your best move, the wise thing to do would be to step away from this relationship and give her time to deal with her life. She has a spiritual and legal commitment somewhere else. Let her decide where that is going. If you see a ditch ahead, don't keep driving towards it. You sound much too smart to continue that course.

Once she decides what she wants....not by telling you but rather doing, then you can make a sound decision regarding your next move. But for now, stop playing a game where there can be no winner. "If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten"

You are tired and your heart aches....hmmm. Well I will say if you don't change this situation, that will only get worse. You love her and you can't change that. Share that fact with her and let her know it's that love that makes you strong enough to allow her time. Time to decide what she wants, time to find clarity and closure....from somewhere (wherever those two may come from). Because if you don't do this, you are right....lies and betrayal will continue to dance in your head. You two will get no where. "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"

Good luck with whatever route you take and know that we are here for you.

[FreeWheelrrrrr]

Now that's what I call insight, it was like sitting in a session with my therapist. Particularly the "do what do" and "instanity" quotes.

It's amazing the games the mind will play on you when your down. I haven't received a text from her since 9:30am and I have struggled ALL day back and forth with wanting to send one to her. The fact that I didn't get the full text from her this morning had made it that much worse. I have taken her last words in the text "Oh and I".....and inserted my own sentences, some funny, some not so funny. It's been an hour at a time just to get through the day.

I'm trying to get up the energy to go out tonight, but my heart is just not into doing anything. My daughter is sleeping over a friends and I think if I stay home I'll go stir crazy.

This site has been a HUGE help, THANK YOU!

[Insight411]

Scott, we are glad you are here and you know we will help anyway we can....whenever we can. Yes, we are open 24/7

My suggestion for tonight is go out. Go do something, whatever is it, hang with friends and have fun. Even if it's laughter and fun for only a moment, it's better than none at all. Trust me, I've been there. It actually takes more energy to be depressed than it does to be happy....so yes you have the energy, just redirect it. Tell your body to get ready, because you are getting out of the house tonight!

I know how that whole text situation can play on your mind and unfortunately it can be more of an opponent than an ally. Instead of putting words in place of what was missed, read what you got. From her text, after her visit with the medium, she seemed happy and felt closure. If that is how she feels, take those words and be happy for her. Try not to create anything else from her words you didn't get. That serves little to ease your pain.

It's great to hear that the site has been a help. You have no idea how much you help us. Someone willing to open their heart and share your soul. So many of us need that gift, we need to learn that skill. Go out tonight and change your environment. Give those four walls a break. Go get some fresh air and even smile.....we will be here for you to share more when you get home.

THANK YOU.

[FreeWheelrrrrr]

I am really happy for her closure with her father and the medium, it was certainly needed and I like the idea of focusing on that andjust that not what she could have said.

I've been strong all day with my moments of weakness and that's when I come here!

My biggest fear for tonight is that while I'm out I'll get the text or call and not know what to do or worse yet, get nothing and feel I have to reach out to her. After a few drinks, we ALL get weak!

Ok, here's a plan, leave the phone home!?!?! OMG, I reached for an anxiety pill as I finished typing that statement!

I think my biggest problem is overthinkin EVERY situation in my life!

I need a nap!

[AJ30]

I'm going to see an ex-boyfriend tonight,.... he took a tumble down a flight of stairs (no alcohol involved) just to get outta this place... and yeah I still care.... hope I don't have to fight him off..... gosh... I will call a cab if that is the case, and go home.... mostly. I suspect I'm also doing this for me too.... I can't stand being alone at home tonite, and Richard is someone I used to love... well I still do, just not the way he'd like me to....

But you know, whatever gets you through the night eh?

[FreeWheelrrrrr]

Hi folks,

Well let's see, where do I start....
Before going out last night I checked my work emails and low & behold there was an email in my junk box (I blocked her emails from coming straight to my Blackberry) from her at 6:45pm asking, "are you ever gonna call me"??? WOW, this somehow gave me a great feeling of control and totally reignited my anger in what she had done with the lies and betrayal. I spoke to some friends who ALL said DO NOT respond, so I didn't, I went out to a few bars, had a good time, laughed alot and just chilled. I couldn't help staring at the door waiting to see her walk through.

I had an intuition and decided to check my Blackberry at 12:20am and low and behold there was a text from her at 12:08am saying, "I'm comming over". Now picture this, I'm standing in the bar in total shock and I was like what, R U KIDDING ME, who the hell does she think is!?!? Of course, I felt compelled to respond immediately, but with the help of the 4 women I was with who all know the pain I've recently endured, the answer was DON'T DO IT and I didn't! What I wanted to respond back was ALL sarcastic in nature like, "R U sure you sent this to the right man in your life? You've got huge b@all$ if it was meant for me". I have it saved as a draft in my phone!

I will assume she had a few drinks in her, was leaving where ever she was at and felt that she could just come over...FOR WHAT? What could she possibly say after just flat out lying to my face 4 days earlier. I mean it seemed so non chalant on her part, like oh yeah, ok, I'll rush right home to meet you honey. Peel the onion Scott, this woman (little girl) is used to getting exactly what she wants!

Needless to say, I stayed at the bar and eventually got dropped off home at 1:30am. The girl that was driving was like Scott, what should I do, should I drive by your house 1st, I was like NO! I was dropped off and thankfully, she wasn't waiting for me, there was no notes on my car or doors of the house, nothing. I think the text she sent was a test the waters and let's see if Scott responds and if he does, things are ok. Who knows, she could have come by before I got home, rang the doorbell and when no one answered, she left?

So here I sit this morning debating whether to respond to her text with a sarcastic response so that HER eyes open wider, mine finally have! I have ignored 2 texts and 1 email in the last 24 hrs and I feel so strongly about responding back with something but I don't know what's right, the heart says 1 thing, the head says another! Suggestions, advice? :thinking1:

Going to pick up my daughter, go to church and have some breakfast.

Scott