Finding it impossible to move on.

[shipwrecked]

My ex girlfriend and I have been broken up for 3 months and 3 days. We've been in the relationship for 4 years. This is our third time apart but the prior 2 break ups didn't last very long. I initiated all three break ups because I've been miserable and depressed due to the present circumstances in my life.

The prior 2 times we broke she came back to me, the third time i ended it because we were having problems with our intimacy and she started to get complacent and lazy. Now I'm trying to get her back and all she says is that we were not meant for each other. Nothing I do seems to work. I now know that she is the one I want to be with, but she felt I never appreciated her. She says she's happy without me. How could someone who loved me so much, just leave me in the dust and tell me to move on? I'm devastated.

Last month, June 3, I sent her an apology note and roses and here is what she emailed me:

I want to thank you for your letter and the flowers. It was a beautiful gesture, and I appreciate it. But I don't see a future with us anymore, and I hate to cause you any more pain over this decision. Nothing will change my mind, so I would appreciate that there be no more grand gestures, since it's actually quite painful for me. I am very happy that you have seeked help, and I hope everything works out for you. I am satisfied with my decision, and I hope you can both respect and appreciate that, since every person deserves control over their future and decisions.

Two weeks ago, on Friday I tried calling her. Someone picked up for 3 seconds, didn't respond and then hung up. So I tried again and the same thing happened and then I got the ehehehehehe sound. I called once more and left a message on her voice mail asking her to email me when it would be a good time for us to talk. She still hasn't responded.

It's been over three months and I still think about her every second. The pain never ends. I'm working on myself and now know how I can improve the relationship. I just don't understand how someone who loved me all these years, who treated me like gold could just ignore me, and be over me.

What should I do? What is she thinking? Why so cold? I made some mistakes and I'm willing to change. How can I get through to her? Please can anyone give me advice? I'd appreciate that. Thanks.

[SuperDave71]

Welcome Shipwrecked to theLoveLogic,


Hey there. I know how difficult this must be for you but it will get easier. It sounds as if she has already moved on. She has been curtious and honest with you and hasn't played any breakup games.

I can remember years ago when I was going thru the same thing. I tried everything to make it work but all I was doing was wasting valuable time. Have you ever run on a treadmill and expected to go somewhere? Have you ever waited for a plane at the bus station? Of course not. Why? Because it would be a waste of your time.

You can't hold on to someone that ISN'T holding onto you. If you do try to hold onto a wet bar of soap too tightly, it either gets crushed or slips through your fingers. She has already told you that she is happy with her decision. I know this is NOT what you want to hear and I am very sorry for that. I know how devastating it can be. Take her words as the 100% truth. Never assume anything.

I used to assume I knew what my ex was saying or thinking and it got me nowhere. I wasted so much time on trying to make her happy that I was wearing myself out.

Do you have a food you DON'T like to eat? If you do, think of it this way...the more you eat it do you think you will start to love it? I doubt it.

Sadly, I cannot tell you what she is thinking and nor should you wonder yourself. My questions are "What are you thinking?" and "What are YOUR future plans for yourself?" I don't believe she is acting cold but I do think she is SHOWING you that it is over.

"Actions Speak Louder Than Words" <-- I live by that.

Go with what you know. I wish you all the best and keep on posting. We are here to listen. Please remember that we have a blogging section here at theLoveLogic.


Take care,


SuperDave71

[HoneyNSpice]

Welcome Shipwrecked! Sorry to hear about your situation.

From the female's point of view, I've been there before! I my case, I'd been with the person for several years also. We'd been through the "break up" thing a few times, and each time it was his idea. Actually each time we got back together it was his idea because I was head over heals and didn't want to see it end. However, honestly, when the final time came, I was ready for it!

We had been through some really trying times, and I was making all the sacrifices. I had actaully told myself on the last go around that I was going to give it all I had and after that I knew I would be ok if it didn't work out. I think he assumed it was just another "time out".

I can't tell you have relieved I was when it was over. It had been stressing me out so and I realized it was such a burden off of me. I felt like I had given him every opportunity to love me and get it right and each time I came away hurting and confused.

I am not sure if you are familiar with the emotional bank account example, but in general, we all have an emotional bank account. We are either making deposits (positive, loving actions) or withdrawals (negative actions) into the other person's emotional bank account. Eventually you are making more of one than the other. When that account gets empty or negative, that's just what it is, EMPTY!! (Most banks will close an account once it goes negative!!) I am sure your ex didn't stop loving you over night. It was a process. Each time you broke up with her, or took her through trying times, she got a little less entangled. Eventaully, she was able to determine that what was going on was not in her best interest.

I am not sure what the future holds. For me, once it was over, it was over. I didn't hate him. I still care about his well-being. However, I just accepted the fact that we were not meant to be together.

I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but hopefully it helps you go ahead and move in a direction that is positive for you. The best thing you can do is continue to work on improving you and who knows what the future might hold!

Good luck!

[SuperDave71]

Honey,

I loved the Bank analogy!


Excellent job!



-SuperDave71

[shipwrecked]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the advice. It just seems impossible to get over and move on. In a way I feel betrayed because I've been with this person 4 years. She would do anything for me, and she knew I had a lot of problems with depression, yet she doesn't seem to contact me at all. I feel like she doesn't care and that's what hurts the most. Slowly I'm trying to take care of myself: Getting back in shape, getting treatment for my depression. But I still am not motivated to start my career path and it's been 3 months since we broke. I still stare at the wall and think about her every second. It's still really painful. I had a couple of emotional breakdowns at my current crappy job which caused me to think, why I'm putting myself in this situation, however the pain still seems unbearable.

[HeartBroken]

I totally understand how you feel shipwrecked. I wasnt with my ex as long as you were with yours. We dated for almost 2 years and its been 2 months since the break up. I STILL cry about him now. Its true when they say that its like a rollercoaster. Some days are worst than others. Yesterday was one of my worst days. I was so depressed I cried all day and stayed in bed. For some reason I couldnt snap out of it. All my thoughts lead to him and how he could just get over me that quickly and not contact me. I have the same thoughts that are running through your head. What could I have done better and why this? and why that? It is not easy going through a break up..especially when you still love that person and want to be with them.

I know I didnt offer you any real advice here..I guess I cant really offer you and advice until Im better myself. But I did want you to know that your not alone and that I understand how your feeling..

[shipwrecked]

Thanks heartbroken, I'm sorry for your loss. I say loss because in my opinion this ordeal feels worse than someone dying. I can totally empathize because I'm not ready to give advice either. We just have to hang in there, and respect and be thankful for the opinions of these good people at lovelogic.

Regards

[SuperDave71]

We are glad to have you shipwrecked..


-SuperDave71

[xxSPHYNXxx]

Shipwrecked welcome!

In reading thru the thread I too will comment coming from a woman's perspective and also from life's "lessons" and in stating this what I am meaning is we all start out on our journey. Along the way we make choices. Depending on the choices we make, consequences follow, thus we then have our life's lesson. And some of the lessons that follow are "hard" to swallow!

As I understand you and your partner were together four years. During your four year relationship for whatever reasons you broke up with her three times. And as you state "she" went to "you" after the prior two breakups to try and work things out.

You didn't give us much information on the two prior break ups but on the third you state that "the third time i ended it because we were having problems with our intimacy and she started to get complacent and lazy". Now I'm trying to get her back and all she says is that we were not meant for each other. A question I have for you... Why did you want her back? What changed?

Over a period of four years she tried to work things out with you, sounds to me "unconditionally". She went back to "you" both times. A question you ask "how could someone who loved me so much, just leave me in the dust and tell me to move on?
If she tried and tried AND tried and YOU kept denying her, the third time you broke up with her she emotionally checked out and moved on. There is only so much "anyone" can take. Your actions in this case spoke volumes.

I am sorry for the pain that you are going thru. At this time I honestly feel she is trying to tell you "gently" that she is moving on. I don't feel that she is being cold at all. She is focusing on her and trying to get herself "whole" again. I believe you should do the same. Take time for you and get yourself "whole" again. Reflect back over the past four years and hopefully in the future, and in your next relationship you won't make the same mistakes.

One lesson I can tell you many of us learn "we don't realize what we have until it's gone".

I wish you the best.

SPHYNX

[shipwrecked]

Thanks Sphynxx. The problem I had was trying to work on myself while being in the relationship. The reasons why I broke with her the prior two times was that I started losing myself. I've been depressed practically my entire life but never sought help. I would get in high states then low ones. When I was by myself--meaning not in a relationship I would be extremely motivated. Went to the gym religiously, practiced my instrument 8 hours a day, graduated from college, and always kept busy. During the time with her I lost myself, became extremely depressed, although went back to school to get a second degree.

I broke with her because I could not love myself even though she was my world and I loved her. She said we could work through the problems but we never did. No communication, so I guess I drained her. She would always travel to my house every weekend 50 miles just to be with me. However we would not do anything. She would always like to sleep watch tv, go shopping, and go out to dinner. Although I loved her dearly, with her I had no inspiration. I gained 70 pounds and was no longer in shape. I would just do my thing on the computer, like projects while she read and watched tv. I would neglect her. Let her do her thing while I do mine. She is now bitter and says I never appreciated her.

Also I became very bitter with life, having 2 degrees, no connections, and at the same dead end server job I had for the last 8 years and present. I was living in a constant state of road rage. A total human racist--I hated everyone and would even blame her for me gaining weight, for her sleeping all the time, not dressing sexy enough, not wanting to do anything. I would constantly complain to her letting her know how much I hated the world.

Even though I loved her I couldn't separate misery from bliss. And at the end when our intimacy went way down I told her I could not take it anymore. After a day of silence I said it wasn't going to work. She agreed and told me to "go find a slut, you'll never be happy, and I always felt I loved you more than you loved me."

So now I'm not only living with regret for the things that I have done, but also for the things I did not do.