• When their heart belongs to another




    So a friend suggested this site, I've lurked for a bit and everyone here seems so helpful and supportive that I think she is right and this is a great place to come to heal and deal. Here is my story sorry it's a bit long:

    My bf and i have been together for about 2 years, not the smoothest relationship alot of the time but I loved him and wanted to make things work... after about a year we broke up for a couple of months (he'd lied about his continued involvement with his ex, although swore it was just as friends and nothing else) I couldn't tolreate the lying and we split. Two months later he called and we staarted talking discussed eveything that happened and he apologized said he wanted to try again..

    I wasn't sure, but agreed to continue to talk. This went on for a few weeks then we met for dinner and decided to try again. He seemed like a changed person was very attentive, considerate, everything I had thoughrt he was.

    Then I went to his place a month ago (we spent our time at my house) for the first time after gettting back together and saw he had pictures of this ex stilldisplayed in his house several I'd seen before but one was new.... I was upset but didn't say anytihng right then as we were having dinner with some friends and they were there too.. When we got back to his place he'd moved one of the pics and replaced it I asked him about it and he said it didn't mean anything and he'd forgotten it was there, swore there wasnothing going on and that he had no feelings for her etc.... Said he would put them away for good... a week later there were still there, so he took them down that night... but only becasue it was such an issue for me...

    The next morning I was making the bed and knocked some paperwork off the nightstand, found a valentines card from the ex from this year... To say the least I was shocked and hurt... I asked him about it and he said it wasn't what I thought (he was always saying that) I told him I thought we made a mistake in getting back together and left... we talked a couple of days later, same conversation his swearing it' not what I think etc..I love him so I tried to get past it even when my gut was SCREAMING get out know.. Although I did tell him I wasn't comfortable at his place and didn't want to be there for now...

    He said that we couldn't live like that and had to work things out about my being at his place.... Som I was agreed to go there this past Friday night, forwhatever reason he chose to not keep these plans.... When he finally called me at 10 that night he apologized said he was having a bad day and had to help a friend and then stayed for dinner (the friend is his ex's relative)
    and she was there... I blew up, we argued... resolved nothing...
    Met yesterday, and to my shock he finally said the following:

    My heart belongs to someone else, he loved talking to me and spending time with me even I want things to work with you but I don't love you (he'd told me he had a several occasions)... I asked him about why he said he did if he didn't, his reply was it's what you wanted to hear (ouch!)Doesn't want to hurt me anymore (thanks after two years for caring I thought)
    we left things as we would both take a few days to think about things... Said it was upto me what we did from here... I know this is the end, it has to be staying with him would be for his benefit only but I'm so hurt....

    DOn't know what to do other then get away as fast as I can with some self-respect in tact... but it's killing me....
    This article was originally published in forum thread: When their heart belongs to another started by wonderingwhy View original post
    Comments 32 Comments
    1. wonderingwhy's Avatar
      wonderingwhy -
      Another update:

      Since my last post things have been a bit surreal, I tiik things slowly for severalmonths and ir seemed that we could have been on our way to a friendship or possibly reconciliation... However the down side was that we just drifted into old habits after about 2 months of quality time together, honest conversation, etc...

      Not a good thing, things started slipping and neither of us addressed it just fell back on old habits... Not a good thing....
      Recently (the last month) he's had some major issues to deal within his personal life and while I've been supportive he's continued to pull away and started the same old behavior.. cancelled plans, not returning calls etc.... This happened all weekend....

      So today I stopped by his place to talk about it.... It wasn't an arguement, but it was an end... He tells me he has too much going on and doesn't want to be in a commited relationship, but wants to stay friends... I said I can't do that, it would be too hard for me.... To be honest I saw this coming over the past few weeks... So it wasn't a shock to me.... Although it did hrt to hear that he would rather be friends then in a relationship...

      More was said but the jist was that friendship is all he wants and I don't so I told him that I wished him the best but I can't do that and we need to end all contact for good... This back and forth is exhausting and hurtful to both of us.... Of course he said he didn't want that but I stood firm, wished him the best and left....

      I finally realize what I've been told all along, while I might not have been a plan B I wasn't Plan A either.... So I'm hitting NC with a vengeance and looking forward.. again... Although this time feels very different for me I guess because I actually took the initative and ewnded things myself rather then waiting for him to go "POOF" again....

      It's clear that regardless of the chemistry we have or all that we have in comon, this is a dead end situation... He isn't willing to commit and that's okay I just need to accept this and go forward with my life... So hard to realize this was more onesided ( on my part).... But better to get off this endless merry go round now....

      Sorry if this is rambling, I needed to get it out.... I so wished this would workout in the end but it didn't .... : (
    1. LizardKing's Avatar
      LizardKing -
      Sorry to hear that. The back and forth thing is so exhausting though I hear you. Im proud of you that you decided to be the bigger person and dead it. I have been going through a similiar situation aswell. Things starting off good but then falling back into the same patterns as before.

      Good luck

      Chris
    1. wonderingwhy's Avatar
      wonderingwhy -
      Thank you fro the encouraging words, best of luck toyou too....
    1. wonderingwhy's Avatar
      wonderingwhy -
      What's with the 24 hour delay on these things? You seem fine then BAm you can't stop crying... I HATE THIS... So should have known better... Ughh...
    1. LizardKing's Avatar
      LizardKing -
      Yea its like an emotional rollercoaster. One day you are fine the next your a mess. I can only tell you that things will get better in time if you let them. Its hard though. Has he tried to reach out to you? Hopefully he hasnt and is giving you space. Try to stay positive and optimistic. Easier said then done but its all about attitude. If you want things to get better then they will get better.

      Stay Strong

      Chris
    1. wonderingwhy's Avatar
      wonderingwhy -
      he called lastnight while I took the call all I said was that it's done and to not call... so far so good... Strange that it's harder knowing I stopped the contact yet I feel relieved some relief that it won't be him on the other end... like I said what a mess... but I'll get there because I refuse to let this drag me down again.... I'm better than that...

      Thankas for the encouragement....
    1. OhManINeedCoffee's Avatar
      OhManINeedCoffee -
      Hey, WW, and welcome back!

      I'm sorry that getting back in touch with your ex resulted in a huge mess, but you've got a great attitude in overcoming this. Chris is right - you're going to be a bit of an emotional roller coaster for a little while. I mean, whether you took the stand and said, "Enough is enough" or not, your'e still grieving the loss of someone who was at one time very important to you. I remember that I would feel upbeat and say, "I'm fine! I'm good! I can get through this, no problem!" And then the next day I'd be in pieces wondering what the hell went wrong. Breakup Recovery Time is a very unstable time....

      Glad to see you again, and keep your chin up!

      Kelley
    1. thatdoggirl's Avatar
      thatdoggirl -
      lol ditto to what Kelley said about the ups and downs. You're not the only one going through this right now. I'm right there with ya. You're strong and I know if I can do it you can do it too! :-D
    1. wonderingwhy's Avatar
      wonderingwhy -
      Thank you both for the words of support, I think the hardest part is knowing I did this to myself, very bitter pill to follow... And while I don't feel as badly as I did last year it's close...

      It never fails to amaze me his level of selfishness, how it's so impotant that he keep me as a friend because of all the woderful things about me, I "get" him, we have sooo much in common, blah blah blah... All that really translated to was that he was lonely and yeah made a some effort in the end it was all the same he's confused, doesn't want to be in a committed relationship rightnow... Which is fine BUT, when you said diferently a week ago it's such a slap in the face.... To realize you were played is humiliating... it really is...especially when you still love the jerk...

      Anyway I wish I was coming back here with better news but I'm thankful I have this place to come to at all... At this stage their are few people who want to hear this again.... And it's awful that you miss the one person who hurt you the most.... Atlast I can say that it as my choice however late it was to take back what I could of my dignity....

      Thank you all again.....
    1. OhManINeedCoffee's Avatar
      OhManINeedCoffee -
      Dude, are we twins? My ex said those EXACT same things about me. And they basically translated as the same thing.
    1. wonderingwhy's Avatar
      wonderingwhy -
      Could they be related? lol... Must be part of the ex greak up booklet I here is passed around... What is all that supposed to mean? We're great (and we are ) but it's not what they want riht now.. so okay but I'm soooooooooooooo done waitingaround for this thing to pan out the way I want... It's done I'm moving forward, and going to really work on me... I found this other site called firstthirtydays.com they offer some great suggestion on creating better habits anything from break up s to buying a house.... Good place to get some inspiration...

      Today was a good day I'm thankful for that... I hope all is well with you
    1. OhManINeedCoffee's Avatar
      OhManINeedCoffee -
      I'd always wondered that myself. If I was so awesome and you regretted letting me go so much, then why didn't you do anything to fix it? Oy. I think it's all just a nice, bullsh*t way of saying, "I don't want you, but I'm too chicken to say it." Sod that!

      What fascinates me even more is when they're UPSET when you start seeing someone else..and even worse...when you're *GASP!* happy without them! They didn't want you, but they didn't want anyone else to have you either? How selfish is that?

      I will say, as tough as it is, you can find yourself feeling and being better than ever after you heal from this (and if you heal from it properly). Believe me, I thought I was going to be hurting for a LONG time after things ended....now I'm happier than I've ever been, and it's largely because he left me. Ironic, isn't it, when something one person regrets doing winds up being the thing YOU'RE thankful for the most...
    1. wonderingwhy's Avatar
      wonderingwhy -
      Hey Coffee:

      I'm with you , if I'm so great and things ae so "amazing" then what's the problem.... But you're right it more that they don't want to say it is you.... My new motto is it doesn't matter why it happened it just matters that it happened...
      ;:
      I'm working on moving on, really moving on thsi time, keepingbusy, taking care of me.. but if there's a manual to make this easier I'd love a copy..... : )
    1. Dan72's Avatar
      Dan72 -
      Hey WW,

      So sorry for the mess for you right now. Try not to beat yourself up too much over 'doing it to yourself'. Many times the ONLY way forward is to make mistakes, learn and then be fully commited NOT to making them again. I did the same thing a few times until enough was enough! Once I stayed commited to NC and to putting her completely out of my thoughts (or trying to!), things did get easier.

      Alot of the time (for me anyway), one of the hardest parts was accepting that the exceptionally strong love I felt for her was going to waste, that I had to just literally wait for it to stop. I spent so long wondering when I'd fall in love and kissing so many frogs and then when it happened it was wasted. Anyway, in hindsight, although I would (genuinely) never want her back, I would also never regret it. Some of the hardest and most rewarding lessons are learnt in these times.

      You sound like a very strong and stable person, and with your new found commitment to your own happiness, you can't fail. Just be patient, keep NC and know that it really well get easier.

      For me, I now know what work I need to do on ME before I can be with another, and I've been working on that consistently since she dumped me back in Oct 08. (Wow is it really that long ago?!) I'm feeling alive again now and probably happier than I have ever been. Single, and happy that way .
    1. wonderingwhy's Avatar
      wonderingwhy -
      Hi Dan:

      Thank you fro your input and kind words.... You're right, I think I needed tomake this mistaketofinally seeit woldnever work.. So now my focus is to letting it all go, not worrying what he's doing and getting on with my life... NC has been easier this time around (so far) niether of us is trying to contact the other... I can honestly say there is nothing left to say..

      I know this to shall pass I just wish it would go a bit faster but you can't rush time so... I'll deal with it one day at a time....
    1. Dan72's Avatar
      Dan72 -
      i remember thinking the same hon. Just wanting it to go faster so I could get to the 'feeling better' bit. Absolutely one step at a time, try and fill your time and avoid spending too much time alone to think. If you find your mind wandering, be aware of it and try to force it onto another subject. It's impossible to think good things and feel bad, and equally impossible to think bad things and feel good. You may not have control over what you feel, but you do have control over your thoughts Just a little tactic that worked very well for me. *hug*
    1. wonderingwhy's Avatar
      wonderingwhy -
      So it's been a little over two weeks since the end.... I'm doing okay actually feel some relief that it's finally over for good.... The days are 50/50 some good some bad...

      Working on myslef for a change well finally is a good feeling it's not "well if I figure this out we can get back on track" and more of "what can I do to not let this happen again" I know I really do love this person and that's a big part of why I hung on, now I think it's time to face what else it was that made me stay when the signs said get out this is OVER and he's only looking out for his interests....

      Onward and upward right? I'd like to find a way to feel a little more motivated about life in general guess that will come in time right?>
    1. Dan72's Avatar
      Dan72 -
      You're almost there The motivation is coming,.... nice one!
    1. thatdoggirl's Avatar
      thatdoggirl -
      Great job, WonderingWhy! I'm right there with ya.

      The days will start getting better and better. It does feel good to not have the extra weight on your shoulders.
    1. wonderingwhy's Avatar
      wonderingwhy -
      So I need to vent: Not the best couple of days wnet to visit my sister for the weekend which was great till the end when she pulled me aside and said she was very worried about me,and was teary eyed... My sister never cries, she's the logical one, I
      m the messy emotional one... It was such a punch to see her so concerned about how down I've been... And not just the last few weeks but the last year riding this merry go round with the es... I never really saw what this siuation was doing to other people... It hurt to realize she was so worried... We talked for quite a while and she offered me was food for thought and gave me such great support.... but it wasn't all sunshine, her main concern is that this isn't just grieving a lost relationship, their is a history of sever depression in our famil and our mother became quite ill at about the same age and was kind of crazy towards the end of her life....

      I never thought that this empt, apathetic feeling could be more so noe I'm thinking I'm losing my mind, but then I think that if I can think that way maybe I'm not? Too much to think about all at once... Fast forward to this afternoon and while driving home I had a car accident luckily no one was hurt except my car... Not a great day I get home call my ins. agency only to end up with my ex's friend (he owns the company)catching the call.... UGH, he doesn't know about the break up not a fun convo dodging quesitons about the ex and now I have to bring the car in to file the claim and get photos taken.... I so should have changed agents months ago... Never really thought about it....

      I'm rembling sorry if none of this makes sense the lack of sleep has made me nutty tonight.... Guess I just needed to vent to get it out.... Karma isn't my friend today : (
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