• A Fast Track To Stop Your Pain

    Hi all,

    I won't bore you all with the entire details of my relationship, as I'm sure most of you have heard it, but what I will do, is try to offer a little reassurance to those of you who are, perhaps, really suffering right now. To those who right now feel that their entire world has collapsed because the one they love so deeply, has left them.



    Honestly, 5 months ago I wanted to die. I could never imagine how I could ever feel even vaguely like living without the love of my life beside me. Every hour felt like a day, and every day felt like a week. My thoughts were consumed by her,....constantly. I thought of NOTHING else. I couldn't concentrate, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and couldn't function. I lost a huge amount of weight and pretty much lost my mind.

    I loved her more than life itself, she was my everything. So perfect in everyway,...... You know, it's easy to see everything through rose tinted glasses. I would read post after post about trying to remember the bad things about her,......uhmmm,.....I couldn't,...she didn't have any.

    I behaved like a dick, several times, usually driven by my trust issues. One of the biggest things I realised was this: Ok, I became insecure, but, if she was giving me what I needed, I would never have become insecure, right? For a relationship to work, you have to give AND take. She took faster than I could give for sure. Honestly, I can not think of one single thing she actually gave me except insecurity.
    The lesson: Do not blame yourself for being insecure - if she/he gives you what YOU need, you would not have that insecurity!!!!

    I know everyone stresses NC on here, and initially I was getting pissed off with seeing it everywhere. Why the hell would that help?!?! The only thing that eases the pain is being with her, how can I go even further out of my way NOT to see her?!!? You know what? NOW, I believe that this is a HUGE part of why I am now ok. If I continued to stay in touch with her/see her, I really don't think I'd be feeling much better. Time away gives you perspective, really. Listen to someone who has been where you are right now. Your heart is broken, you want the pain to stop, I understand completely. You need to think of this like a drug addiction, because it is EXACTLY the same. Remove the drug from an addict and they are in turmoil. Giving them the drug will relieve the pain but only temporarily. Staying away from the drug completely for the first month or so is HELL, but after that the addiction loses it's hold,...wow,...you see the light at the end of that tunnel.
    The lesson: The FASTEST way to stop your pain is NC.

    I'm not saying it's easy, it's not, not by a long shot, but easiER. I felt like utter crap for about 2.5 months of NC. By the 3rd month I was aware that I was smiling again, I didn't need her. Sure, I still wanted her, but I didn't need her. That feeling was so refreshing after so much pain. If you listen to anything on this forum, please, take NC very seriously because it works. Don't settle for some bs friendship request. All or nothing is my motto, and I believe it should be yours too. I want someone who wants me, not someone who may possibly be convinced to want me!! WTF is that all about!!?? Why would you want to live in constant gratitude that they were convinced to be with you?!? Sod that!!! How pathetic does that sound? Yet we ALL do it when faced with so much pain.

    I remember a previous ex of mine fell over herself trying to be everything I wanted. She was so totally desperate for me to love her the way she loved me. You know what? She drove me bloody mental, drove me AWAY rather than pulled me to her. SO irritating to have someone like that pathetically agreeing with everything you say! BAH!
    The lesson: Never let anyone reduce you to a pathetic idiot - it's not attractive by any standards to ANYONE.

    Your heart is badly broken, I know that because you are here, and desperately trying to read something that will bring you hope and comfort you at this bloody horrendous point of your life. I hope that my words can go some way into helping you - SuperDave has some tremendous posts here which bring great comfort to so many,....read them and believe them because they are bang on truth.

    I truly believe that everything in our lives happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason isn't clear for quite some time, but there is a reason behind it. For me, I know the reason was lessons I needed to learn about myself. I now understand exactly what I needed to learn. I used to wonder why the hell these life lessons had to be so damn painful,...well, if they weren't so painful, would I have learnt the lessons??? Probably not!

    Another tactic which helped (and continues to help!) me tremendously is changing the way I think. I wouldn't allow myself to think negatively,...and hence the pain wasn't as strong. As soon as I let myself think of her and what happened, the pain came back with a vengence. We feel whatever we are thinking,....it starts in the mind. It's impossible to think good thoughts and feel bad, equally as impossible to think bad thoughts and feel good. In despair, I once told my counseller "I just want to fall out of love with her!". She told me I could quite easily. I looked at her in disbelief. She then explained the whole concept of the power of our thoughts.

    I still love her, I can't deny that, so no, I haven't fallen out of love with her. But the thought tactic stops me before I even let myself dwell on those feelings, hence,...no pain. It's so easy to play victim and go over and over and over it in your head until you've completely driven yourself to the edge, but only you have the power to stop that. Only you can control your own thoughts.

    You know, if you and your ex were meant to be together, you WILL be, neither heaven nor earth can stop that. But, in the meantime, you really need to take the focus from them to you. Whatever is happening between you now MUST happen. Why? Because that is the way your life was written and you must go through this so that you can progress through YOUR life. Sometimes we don't understand the meaning of our pain, but we must be open to the lesson.

    If you've made to the end of this ramble,...well done If it helps at least one person get through the kind of hell I went through, then it is worth posting.
    This article was originally published in forum thread: A Fast Track To Stop Your Pain started by Dan72 View original post
    Comments 15 Comments
    1. Dan72's Avatar
      Dan72 -
      Bumping for newbies
    1. niks's Avatar
      niks -
      great post Dan , thanks for the reminder
    1. MsLadE's Avatar
      MsLadE -
      I am new to this group and i know this post is an older one. But what Dan says is exactly what i am going through now. Its the the early stages of a break up and i managed NC for 2 days then went out with some friends, had some drinks and before i knew it sent 2 texts. One saying i was sorry for making her feel this way about and another saying i miss her. As soon as i had done this i knew what an idiot i was. But i was full of self pity and self hate that i didn`t care. She never replied which is actually good. Our relationship was very one-sided. She was constantly paranoid and jealous. Even when she left me. She sent a text telling me she knew i was with another girl. The more i tried to tell her i was not the more convinced she was. Anyway. I keep NC and my feet on the ground. I realise that this relationship was all about me making her feel good. Difficult to write about these thing in a logical way sometimes. Haydn
    1. MsLadE's Avatar
      MsLadE -
      So I broke NC today. I asked her if i could have my stuff she has. (In a text). I also told her i hope she will be happy and i am sorry that i couldn`t give her the things she needed. She replied. Saying i was wrong to say this. Is there anyone who can shed some light on how to proceed? This pain is unique to me. I never knew this could be so powerful and i feel so drained all the time. I understand the concept of getting over the fear of loss bt how can this really be put into practise. I seen from the previous and others posts that the stronger of you out there are doing it now but only after you made all the mistakes you are saying to try to avoid. When does a moment of clarity arrive?
    1. MsLadE's Avatar
      MsLadE -
      Anyone out there for some advice?
    1. niks's Avatar
      niks -
      HI haydn

      Im sorry to hear you are going through this. TO clarify I think to go through the healing process you do make mistakes... and in life in general, and that's just part of it, it's how we learn and grow as humans. The thing everyone on here wants to help people to do is realize when they make these mistakes, and to not keep making the same ones over and over, as that isn't good for you, and impedes the healing process.

      I hope that helps in some small way.

      nikki
    1. MsLadE's Avatar
      MsLadE -
      Thank you Nikki for the reply. I have managed not to do anything silly like contacting her in the last week. It hurts like hell though. I have been thinking how people are able to affect another with love. When i think of our relationship it was always a struggle for me to prove to her that i was hers and was not interested in anyone else. It never worked. I worked harder and harder to put her first all the time and put myself on hold because i wanted her to feel that she was the special one in my life. Her jealousy knew no bounds. I could talk to no one, not go out and every message on my phone was treated as a betrayal to her. I know it sounds like i was so weak!. I was in love and i still am.....So it goes back to what i started with. How do some people have a power to make us just weak at the knees when everything is so wrong for us? If she asked me to come back i would have a hard time saying no and i know nothing would have changed. Even now shes let me go, she still texts me to tell me all the time she knows i have someone else. Its baffling and quite insane at the same time. Please keep writing. Take care. Haydn
    1. niks's Avatar
      niks -
      It does hurt like hell I'm afraid, and it will do for some time, but well done for not contacting her, honestly that is the best way to heal faster. Speaking to her will only bring up more pain and more questions. It sounds to me like she has some serious issues that she needs to sort out, and her not trusting you is not your fault, she has brought baggage into your relationship that she should of learnt to let go off. which is what you need to do now, you will never have all the answers to your questions, all you can do is learn to let go of them.

      Good luck
    1. KaitlinRosalie's Avatar
      KaitlinRosalie -
      What a long read but it was worth it, thank you so much for your advice it is so helpful and i'm relieved to hear that you can still remain in love with them but learn to control your feelings and thoughts so that you can still be happy without them. Thanks Dan


      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    1. Dan72's Avatar
      Dan72 -
      Apologies to Haydn for not responding, I've been on and off the forum due to crazy busy personal life. I'm sure my responding to his post would probably not be helpful now as it was a long time ago.

      So, to KaitlinRosalie, you're welcome

      Oh, and for the benefit of anyone reading the post for the first time, I fell out of love with her around 6-10 months after beginning NC. Honestly, I don't remember the exact time because I suddenly realised that I wasn't thinking of her at all,... and then that when I purposefully did think of her, it didn't hurt. You'll get there too, you really will, but the speed in which you'll reach that point is down to you and your determination not to do the things that will keep you hurting.
    1. Allisonkoesler's Avatar
      Allisonkoesler -
      How do you get yourself to the NC frame of mind?
    1. Tiggerinlondon's Avatar
      Tiggerinlondon -
      Hi,

      NC is about letting go of the other and embracing yourself and life again. Focus on yourself, things you want to do and try and explore who you want to be. You're amazing, you're an individual like no other on this planet and you need to nurture yourself to your full potential. When you stop trying to stop thinking about them and start thinking about yourself, you'll be in the right zone.

      All the best,

      Annita
    1. ExecutiveLez's Avatar
      ExecutiveLez -
      Dan,
      Your post validated what I have been suspecting myself. The reason I feel so insecure is because the person I love won't secure me. If that factor exists, there's no way a relationship can work. You can be in love until you are blue in the face, but until two people are willing to go out of there comfort zones - you will keep on getting what you've always got.

      Thanks for this, Dan!
    1. HereInSecret's Avatar
      HereInSecret -
      But what if NC isn't an option? My ex and I volunteer at church and work together and we share the same group of close friends. I see him 6 days a week. Idk what to do because it hurts seeing him perfectly fine while I can't let go.


      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    1. Tiggerinlondon's Avatar
      Tiggerinlondon -
      Dear HereInSecret,

      Breaking up is like a death. You need to go through the grieving process. Whatever the other person appears to be like, may not be how they feel inside. Remember your focus should be on you and your life, moving forward not looking back. The world is a wonderful amazing place and you can find your path to healing by bonding with others, a new hobby, a few new books, some meditation, eat healthily, exercise, focus on all these and soon, there will be no room for someone who can't love you the way you need to be loved.

      Good luck.

      All the best,

      Annita
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