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why do i still miss him ???

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I met my boyfriend one year ago,it was a rebound relationship, I was so much attached to him, we used to talk 7-8 hours in day. He used to tell me he wants to marry me, but we both belongs to conservative families where caste matters a lot, my parents are poor, by facing many hardships they raised me & sent me to a very good college, so it was quite clear that we can never get married to each other due to inter caste , we both are very much attached to our parents. But we decided till we get married to some other people we will be together so that we can have some good memories of each other. But it created lot of insecurities in my mind,he was cool with this idea, I lost my virginity to him, but I didn

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  1. OhManINeedCoffee's Avatar
    Hey there, and welcome.

    In abusive relationships, it's common for the person being abused to blame themselves for the abuser's behavior - "If I were better, if I were smarter, if I'd been able to give him everything he needs...this relationship would have worked." But the truth is that his feelings and his actions have always been HIS responsibility, not yours. He refuses to take responsibility for them, and thus has put it all on you.

    Manipulative people do this. They do not truly love the people they're with and abusing - they love the power they have over another person. And such a desire for that kind of power indeed stems from deep insecuriity. This is baggage he had before he met you - you didn't bring it out of him with your own baggage.

    The truth is that nobody can MAKE someonbe abusive to them. Peoplehave choose how to behave in any given situation. He was abusive because he chose to do so and because he knew he could get away with it...not because you made him.

    This person said he loved you, but from my perspective his actions said the opposite: love is not supposed to hurt, manipulate, or control. Love is not a weapon. Love is not possessive or jealous or dependent. What real love DOES have is compassion, patience, understanding, and respect. I do not see where he ever treated you as such. And quite honestly, it's likely that if you had stayed, it would have gotten worse. Abuse usually does.

    Do not take credit for his actions - HE is responsible for himself, not you. If he wants others to blame for his actions, then this tells me that he's still a boy - not a man. He's a good manipulator, but whenever you start feeling guilty, please try to remind yourself that you did not make him what he is. He came like that. He chose a girl in a lower caste with some issues with emotional attachment, proceeded to take advantage in order to feel powerful.

    Look at this as an opportunity to work on yourself freely, without his interference. You have it in you to be a strong person - you've already shown that by removing yourself from an extremely unhealthy situation. You're very reflective and insightful in your thoughts about your relationship - use that to your advantage.

    I think you still miss him because, regardless, he was still a big part of your life for a year, and he symbolized much to you. That's completely inderstandable. Stay strong and focus on you, though. Spend as much time with family and friends as you can when you're feeling alone - these are the people who love you.

    And of course, you can post here anytime you want.


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