I need advice on a very serious matter.

[divenie]

I will try my best and keep it as short as possible.

I am in a relationship with a man who has a child from a prior relationship. As, some of you might know... I have been supporting my mate throughout this nasty custody battle. Things are just so complicated.


This all started when his ex found out about me... My boyfriend went to pick up his [biological] daughter and her son [step-son]. They came to our home and we took them to my little cousins birthday party. The kids had a blast. His daughter cried and his step-son had a fit when they realized they had to go back to their mom.

A few days pass. As always, my boyfriend calls to speak to the kids. Well, his ex answers the phone and looses it. She out right said so you have a girlfriend! He stays calm and tells her Yes! just the same as you have a boyfriend. To make a long story short. She calls me out of my name [yes the b word] She decided to keep the kids from him.

Here we are. We've been through the court battle. They agree on terms during mediation. During the mediation my mate told me I kept saying kids during the mediation. The mediator said "Sir, what do you mean by kids? You have just a daughter in common, right?" His ex tells him "Don't worry about my son." [I think that hurt him] We did not have to go in front of the judge. Everything seems smooth....right! WRONG!

The first time he goes to pick up his daughter she came outside to the car. I was in the car. [I felt that whatever they needed to discuss was between them]. I look up and they are both headed to the car. My boyfriend goes she wants to meet you. I step outside of the car and she says to me
"Hi, my name is...!" and I respond. She puts on this front like she did not call me out of my name [over the phone to get a rise out of my boyfriend] She continues "Well, we should at least meet." She made a few annoying statements. We just loaded up and left.

About a month has gone by. Yesterday we get a call from my cousin. [my cousins mate and my boyfriends ex happen to be friends! I know complicated!] He said that a commercial had come on television. It was a promo Father's day ad!
He said the boy lost it! "The boy said that commercial was directed to me! Because I don't have a father!" My cousin replied so what about...he mentions my boyfriend. The boy replied! "He beat me and punched me! He used to abuse me!" My cousin said that he sounds like he's being told to say these things!

During mediation the ex tried to cry and claim he was abusive to the kids. It's obvious that the court didn't buy her sob story. Now, it appears she is trying to feed these children lies!

My question is what do I do? It's making my mate really upset because he is not that type of person. The boy is in therapy and I don't think he's doing very well. It's as if she is still playing games.

What to do?

Any sound advice would be greatly appreciated.

[SuperDave71]

divenie,


Hey there. I read your story and oh man what a doozie. Has your boyfriend thought of going to counseling? I would have to say this is way out of my league and the only thing I can suggest is professional help.

I certainly would NOT want to question the motivation of your boyfriend but be aware of the situtation. I am not a professional but I can say as a friend of yours to seek out someone who knows what to do.


Take care and I hope things get better for you.



-SuperDave71

[divenie]

Thanks a million. I just feel really bad for him and his step-son at this point. His ex is like the person from hell. She will do anything in her power to make him upset. I failed to mention in my prior post...She does have like anxiety and depression issues. She's on medication for this. She even tried to commit suicide in her younger years.

His daughter told me that her mom locks her brother in the room when she leaves with us. While he sits there in his room and cries and says that he wants to visit us as well. She tells him that he can't do everything that his sister does. She's so cold hearted! It's scary! I think it is traumatizing to her son and
there's noting we can do. Most importantly the kids are with their mom 75% of the time. When we have his daughter she does not even want to speak to her mom on the phone. What are we to think?!

Thanks for your help though!

[tiggerinlondon]

Hi Divenie,

This is one of those tough situations. Initially I have some questions:

1. How old is the daughter?
2. How old is the son?
3. What did the court say in regards to the son (he may not be a biological father, but if he acted in that role while they were together, then he should have rights to see him, courts usually look favourably upon wanting to treat both biological/not children in the same manner)?
4. Why is the boy in therapy?
5. When did he start going?
6. Is the mother in therapy (you mentioned meds...)?

I'll try to be of some assistance forthwith.

[divenie]

This is one of those tough situations. Initially I have some questions:

1. How old is the daughter?
2. How old is the son?
3. What did the court say in regards to the son (he may not be a biological father, but if he acted in that role while they were together, then he should have rights to see him, courts usually look favourably upon wanting to treat both biological/not children in the same manner)?
4. Why is the boy in therapy?
5. When did he start going?
6. Is the mother in therapy (you mentioned meds...)?


I'll try to be of some assistance forthwith.

1. The daughter is now 5 years of age.
2. The son is about 10 years of age. My boyfriend raised him from the age of two.
3. I was not present during the mediation. However, my boyfriend told me that every time he use the phrase "kids" the mediator would correct him. Plus, his ex made it clear that he need not worry about the boy. [which I think is silly.] Honestly, my boyfriend is the only father he's known.
4. From what I understand he has had a lot of emotional issues prior to the brake up. I took the time to think about the boys current situation.
His sister is being picked up by us. He also has a younger brother [all of them have different fathers] who is picked up by his father. He is the only one left behind. As the boys father was in the military and up and left. His biological father never calls or anything. That has got to be painful. I'm sure with the recent events it just made things much worse.
5. I doubt the mother is going through therapy.

It's really heartbreaking to see this happen. Plus, my boyfriend's parents have been his grandparents as well. They treated him no different.

IMO, the mother does not seem to understand stability is important for children. She has a habit of just moving from place to place. For example: My boyfriend moved in with her. They were doing the whole family thing. On Christmas, she kicked my boyfriend out of the house....because he purchased the kids a ton of toys and clothes. She was upset because he did not purchase her a gift. She quickly moved another man into the home. Managed to have another child within a years time. Now, she has broken up with the other guy...moved into a tiny apartment with her mom and three kids.
I'm sure that the living situation is a part of it as well.

[Pizza Girl]

Was your ex married to the mother of his child of did they just live together for that period of time? If they lived together and weren't married, how long was that?

Why do some women have to be so vindictive and use children to hurt their exes? Don't they realize how much they are hurting their own children?

Stay strong. This is a tough one to go through when children are involved.

-Pizza Girl-

[divenie]

Thank you all for your advice.

Was your ex married to the mother of his child of did they just live together for that period of time? If they lived together and weren't married, how long was that?

Why do some women have to be so vindictive and use children to hurt their exes? Don't they realize how much they are hurting their own children?

Stay strong. This is a tough one to go through when children are involved.

-Pizza Girl-

My boyfriend was not married to his ex. He did move in with her and they were together for about 5 years or so. I really don't understand why the mother acts in this manner. I would expect a higher level of maturity from a 35 year old mother of 3.

I think the part that bothers me the most...is that I was raised by my step-father. My father neer treated me like there was difference between my brother and I. My mother and my step-father separated and I was still his "baby girl". I could not imagine what it would have been like if my mom would have kept me from seeing "dad" [step-father].


Yeah it really brakes my heart.

Thanks for the support

[Frangipani]

I would be reporting her actions re locking the son in his room to the mediator or the court. If you boyfriend raised his stepson from the age of 2, he has every right to see him as he would have been supporting him emotionally and financially during this time too.

I would be looking into this more if i was your boyfriend.

[divenie]

Thanks Frangipani

The only problem with reporting the son being locked in his room is that we heard it from the daughter and we did not see it with our own eyes. I suppose it's still worth a shot.

She has shown us this behavior before. My boyfriends mom went to the ex girlfriend's house to serve her the court papers and to see her grandchildren. The boy heard his grandmother's voice in the house. He ran out to the hallway and yelled "NaNa!" His mother yelled at him to go back into his room and finish his homework. However, she allowed the daughter to remain in the living room.

The problem with this is that the mediators don't allow others into the meeting. They would not allow the grandmother to speak during the mediation.

[tiggerinlondon]

Originally Posted by divenie

1. The daughter is now 5 years of age.
2. The son is about 10 years of age. My boyfriend raised him from the age of two.
3. I was not present during the mediation. However, my boyfriend told me that every time he use the phrase "kids" the mediator would correct him. Plus, his ex made it clear that he need not worry about the boy. [which I think is silly.] Honestly, my boyfriend is the only father he's known.
4. From what I understand he has had a lot of emotional issues prior to the brake up. I took the time to think about the boys current situation.
His sister is being picked up by us. He also has a younger brother [all of them have different fathers] who is picked up by his father. He is the only one left behind. As the boys father was in the military and up and left. His biological father never calls or anything. That has got to be painful. I'm sure with the recent events it just made things much worse.
5. I doubt the mother is going through therapy.

C'est difficile... I have some more questions:

A) What do her parents/mom that she's living with think of the situation?
B) Do your boyfriends mother and father get on with the ex's parents?

To immediately assist your boyfriend ( I know you are essentially speaking for him here, and for the little boy stuck in the middle), I can provide you with this:

De Facto Parentage

High court upheld child custody rights of non-biological parent | HamptonRoads.com | PilotOnline.com

According to my understanding of law (I'm not a US citizen) the Washington Supreme Court just ruled this (in June), which means NON-biological parents that can establish the points mentioned have EQUAL rights to a biological parent. And then (as appears to be common and allowed by federal statute in the US, you can't do it in the UK) the person in question moved to another state to try and get another ruling! A move which has thus far failed, so far the Supreme Court ruling is being upheld, different state or no.

My questions are (as I'm sure you've worked out) related to your boyfriend being able to somehow work around the Ex, i.e. Ex's mother takes the kids out for the day, but what really happens is your Ex's mother takes them over to your boyfriends parents where he can see them both, or the Ex's mother brings them over for you both to look after instead... devious but functional.

IMHO Should your boyfriend now want to, I would consider that looking at the precedent set above he has rights to see all (however many of the three he wants to) the kids and he may now legally pursue that right. Though he may want to remember, that by being allowed to be their "father" he also risks the Ex being able to seek child support for every child from him (unless she already does from their respective fathers).