my ex called me again! - theLoveLogic Inspirational Relationship Advice and Forum

lrw301jl · 11-13-2007, 10:07 AM

My ex called me twice today. First time was my ex little girl telling me that she missed me and want me to call her. I didnt call back! Later on in the evening, my ex called again. This time my ex ask if I could call and talk to her daughter on the phone. My ex said; that she couldn't make anymore stories anymore and that Addie(ex little girl) felt abandonment by me. I don't know what to do? I could go see my ex little girl at the gym tomorrow while my ex is yoga class. The gym that we both go has an babysitting place for the kids while the parents work out. I don't know what to do, my ex is trying to make me feel bad. She knows how feel about her and her daughter. What should I do? Remain in NC still! I'm on day#12 and counting.

Please help me,
Jack

P.S>If you like understand more on my situation. You can read "My story" under Getting back together section.

Insight411 · 11-13-2007, 11:39 AM

It sounds as if you have been doing great with NC. Sorry about the phone calls, I know they can be setbacks. I'm not certain on the games being played, if any, but I don't think I'm on a weak limb by saying these calls were not the child's idea.

It seems your ex is using the child to see what you are doing these days. I asked you not to use the child that way and it appears you were man enough to do that. I wish someone had given the same advice to your ex. I think that is so wrong.

Stick to what you have been doing, you do not need the games right now...nor does the child. Your ex needs to understand that is a child, her child, and they are a package deal. Those calls almost bother me - a bit....ok maybe a lot. Be honest with her child and move on! I think the truth is, your ex is now having problems moving on. If she really wants to talk to you, she needs to use a better approach than that.

Continue changing and growing. Stick to honesty and showing you are the mature adult. Great job!

Virgo69 · 11-13-2007, 06:43 PM

Great Job on applying NC thru the important time in your life. We all know how difficult it can be especially when it involves an innocent child. Addie will naturally miss you… you were a part of her life. It’s a shame your ex is using the child to check up on you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lrw301jl

My ex said; that she couldn't make anymore stories anymore and that Addie(ex little girl) felt abandonment by me. I don't know what to do?

I could blow up this thread about what your ex should and shouldn’t be doing to her child but it’s pointless. It wont’ help and heal YOU! If you want my opinion, you should continue to hold NC. You answer that phone at it will hinder your healing process. Applying NC right now is not to hurt anyone... not your ex and of course not Addie. This is to HEAL YOU!! Take this time to focus on yourself to become a better person. That's what it's about and not anything else.

lrw301jl · 11-14-2007, 12:55 PM

Update
My ex called again last night for the second night in the row. I was having dinner with my friend. Before we even listen to the voicemail, my friend said it would be only Addie(ex's little girl) voice on the phone. What do you know, it was only Addie voice! I couldn't make what she was saying. I know I'm doing right thing by not picking up the phone. I just feel bad for Addie, I wish I could turn back the time, but I can't. The most important thing right now is focus on me. I'm sorry Addie, I will always love you!!!

Insight411 · 11-14-2007, 04:16 PM

According to aeronautics technology, the bumblebee is not suppose to fly. This is because of the weigh and shape of it's body in proportion to it's small wingspan. However, no one told the bumblebee this!

Do you have faith? When you come to the end of everything you know and are faced with the darkness of the unknown, faith is, knowing one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.

Lrw I know when you first joined, you shared your life of lies and even I had to question if you were ready to change....if you could. You see, from what I read, it appeared you were suffering from the illness of not being able to speak the truth or even knowing it if it shook your hand. However, you were honest about your flaws and that is the 1st step towards changing. I know, I've been there. Now it's about staying focus and putting your effort into doing right, into being a better person. I think you are on the right path. I have faith in you.....my friend, prepare to fly.

LewisandClark · 11-14-2007, 10:09 PM

LRW, Insight and Virgo, I have a question. I have been reading and following this story from the beginning. I know that you are telling him not to talk to the kid at all. I know in the long run that is the best thing to do. But the kid seems to be honestly looking for a reason why they can't even talk, not even once more. What would be the harm in lrw talking to Addie and explaining, without going into too much detail at all, or a lot of drama, that he has had some things come up in his life that has caused him to make some changes and that includes not being able to be with or see Addie again. Children are more receptive to explanations of situations than many give them credit for. This would allow Addie and lrw to at least say goodbye and put some closure to the obvious relationship they once shared. A disappearing act IS like abandonment, with no reason why, could leave an emotional scar for the next man in his ex's wife to deal with. I can see why Addie is struggling with the situation. One final conversation with the child is what I would recommend. Maybe even a final face to face at the gym they both frequent.

That is my opinion, and I am offering out to the three of you to discuss as well.

bustertypsy · 11-14-2007, 10:59 PM

I agree with LewisandClarke wholeheartedly!!

lrw301jl · 11-15-2007, 01:45 AM

Hey LewisandClark,

I understand that where you come from however like you said; in the long run it would be best for me not to see Addie anymore. I love my ex and her daughter very much. It would be selfish of me still wanting to see her. Addie is only two/half years old and will turn three next month. I don't want to say this but with time kids under four will eventually will forget the person when they stop associate with them. I'm not trying to abandoned her. I'm just trying to watch out for her that is all. I hope you understand not one day goes by when I don't think about Addie. I just refuse to play games with my ex that is all. I don't know if trying to explain things to Addie would work due her age.

jack

lrw301jl · 11-15-2007, 01:54 AM

Another update:

I don't know why tonight, I pick up an call that was "PRVIATE". I never pick up phone call when it doesn't show who is calling. I pick up and it was Addie on the another line. My heart just broke down. She was sounded so sweet! She ask me if I was coming over to see her and that she was sick because I wasn't there to take care of her. I told her not tonight then she ask if she can come over to myself. My heart is breaking right now. I want to see her so bad, but I know I shouldn't though. I talked to Addie for about five minutes and told her good-night/ that I love her dearly. My ex never said anything during the phone conversation between me and Addie. She was right next to her. Why is she doing this to me? Is hard enough for me. Am I being bad/ selfish person for ignoring a little girl wanting to see me. My heart ache so bad because I was the reason for our break-up. Tears are falling down my eye right now, I don't know what to do!
Please help guys???

jack

SuperDave71 · 11-15-2007, 08:14 AM

Lrw,

Hey there. I could NOT imagine the thoughts or feelings you are experiencing right now. I have been in a similar situation years ago with an ex and her little girl named April. The mother is manipulating the daughter...plain and simple. It personally makes me sick to know that an adult is using her OWN child like a tool.

Jack, you are going to have to make a stand. Enough is enough. It's not about abandoning the little girl, its about getting YOU back on track. The child is NOT yours. I know you love the little girl. That is NOT even questionable but the love for yourself IS. In the grand scheme of things, you have no control over the little girl. You can still continue to love Addie but you cannot learn to accept the fact that the MOTHER is using her to get to you.

The easiest way NOT to play a game is simply NOT TO PLAY. Take yourself out of the equation. Do not answer the phone. The abandonment issue should NOT be a factor in your decison making whatsoever. Years ago, my ex and I broke up and I didn't speak to April because I was NOT the father, nor did I feel I needed to confuse her more than she already was. I DID however explain years later WHY. April was not my child and I was not ever going to cross that line with her mother. Did I stop loving April, ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Trying to explain why Jack isn't coming over to a soon to be three year old is not going to make a difference. I do not mean this in ANY disrespect to the child whatsoever but the mindset of a child of that is not one of "understanding" at almost three. The social and emotional development of a three year old is not going to understand "YOUR" reasoning of why you have to stay away. You would be doing this for you NOT the child.

Does this mean you do not love her or love her ANY less? NO WAY!! She is NOT YOUR CHILD. NO matter what the mother is making her child do, you love that child by letting go and loving her from a distance. The child is NOT A TOY nor TAPE to hold a broken relationship together. It makes me ill just thinking how much this child is being used. Say a prayer for her Jack. Pray that one day YOU can explain why you had to leave.

I would like to ask MaJik with her beautiful little girls or maybe Virgo with her 2 boys if they are around to help you with this one. It would be better for a MOM to explain how they feel about this topic.

I do believe that no matter what, you need to take care of YOU FIRST!

We are here for you if you need us!!!

Hang in there !!!

-SuperDave71

11-13-2007, 10:07 AM	#1 (permalink)
lrw301jl Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Midwest Posts: 81 My Mood: Thanks: 5 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts Nominated 0 Times in 0 Posts TOTW/M Award(s): 0 Rep Power: 0	my ex called me again! My ex called me twice today. First time was my ex little girl telling me that she missed me and want me to call her. I didnt call back! Later on in the evening, my ex called again. This time my ex ask if I could call and talk to her daughter on the phone. My ex said; that she couldn't make anymore stories anymore and that Addie(ex little girl) felt abandonment by me. I don't know what to do? I could go see my ex little girl at the gym tomorrow while my ex is yoga class. The gym that we both go has an babysitting place for the kids while the parents work out. I don't know what to do, my ex is trying to make me feel bad. She knows how feel about her and her daughter. What should I do? Remain in NC still! I'm on day#12 and counting. Please help me, Jack P.S>If you like understand more on my situation. You can read "My story" under Getting back together section.

11-13-2007, 11:39 AM	#2 (permalink)
Insight411 Administrator Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Reality, USA Posts: 469 My Mood: Thanks: 18 Thanked 71 Times in 42 Posts Rep Power: 0	It sounds as if you have been doing great with NC. Sorry about the phone calls, I know they can be setbacks. I'm not certain on the games being played, if any, but I don't think I'm on a weak limb by saying these calls were not the child's idea. It seems your ex is using the child to see what you are doing these days. I asked you not to use the child that way and it appears you were man enough to do that. I wish someone had given the same advice to your ex. I think that is so wrong. Stick to what you have been doing, you do not need the games right now...nor does the child. Your ex needs to understand that is a child, her child, and they are a package deal. Those calls almost bother me - a bit....ok maybe a lot. Be honest with her child and move on! I think the truth is, your ex is now having problems moving on. If she really wants to talk to you, she needs to use a better approach than that. Continue changing and growing. Stick to honesty and showing you are the mature adult. Great job! __________________ I'm as confused as a nun on her honeymoon

11-14-2007, 04:16 PM	#5 (permalink)
Insight411 Administrator Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Reality, USA Posts: 469 My Mood: Thanks: 18 Thanked 71 Times in 42 Posts Rep Power: 0	According to aeronautics technology, the bumblebee is not suppose to fly. This is because of the weigh and shape of it's body in proportion to it's small wingspan. However, no one told the bumblebee this! Do you have faith? When you come to the end of everything you know and are faced with the darkness of the unknown, faith is, knowing one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly. Lrw I know when you first joined, you shared your life of lies and even I had to question if you were ready to change....if you could. You see, from what I read, it appeared you were suffering from the illness of not being able to speak the truth or even knowing it if it shook your hand. However, you were honest about your flaws and that is the 1st step towards changing. I know, I've been there. Now it's about staying focus and putting your effort into doing right, into being a better person. I think you are on the right path. I have faith in you.....my friend, prepare to fly. __________________ I'm as confused as a nun on her honeymoon

11-14-2007, 10:09 PM	#6 (permalink)
LewisandClark Update Members Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Memphis Posts: 138 My Mood: Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post Nominated 0 Times in 0 Posts TOTW/M Award(s): 0 Rep Power: 0	LRW, Insight and Virgo, I have a question. I have been reading and following this story from the beginning. I know that you are telling him not to talk to the kid at all. I know in the long run that is the best thing to do. But the kid seems to be honestly looking for a reason why they can't even talk, not even once more. What would be the harm in lrw talking to Addie and explaining, without going into too much detail at all, or a lot of drama, that he has had some things come up in his life that has caused him to make some changes and that includes not being able to be with or see Addie again. Children are more receptive to explanations of situations than many give them credit for. This would allow Addie and lrw to at least say goodbye and put some closure to the obvious relationship they once shared. A disappearing act IS like abandonment, with no reason why, could leave an emotional scar for the next man in his ex's wife to deal with. I can see why Addie is struggling with the situation. One final conversation with the child is what I would recommend. Maybe even a final face to face at the gym they both frequent. That is my opinion, and I am offering out to the three of you to discuss as well. __________________ The future is an inevitability waiting to become our past.

11-15-2007, 08:14 AM	#10 (permalink)
SuperDave71 Administrator Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Memphis, Tennessee Age: 37 Posts: 957 My Mood: Thanks: 21 Thanked 71 Times in 49 Posts Rep Power: 0	Lrw, Hey there. I could NOT imagine the thoughts or feelings you are experiencing right now. I have been in a similar situation years ago with an ex and her little girl named April. The mother is manipulating the daughter...plain and simple. It personally makes me sick to know that an adult is using her OWN child like a tool. Jack, you are going to have to make a stand. Enough is enough. It's not about abandoning the little girl, its about getting YOU back on track. The child is NOT yours. I know you love the little girl. That is NOT even questionable but the love for yourself IS. In the grand scheme of things, you have no control over the little girl. You can still continue to love Addie but you cannot learn to accept the fact that the MOTHER is using her to get to you. The easiest way NOT to play a game is simply NOT TO PLAY. Take yourself out of the equation. Do not answer the phone. The abandonment issue should NOT be a factor in your decison making whatsoever. Years ago, my ex and I broke up and I didn't speak to April because I was NOT the father, nor did I feel I needed to confuse her more than she already was. I DID however explain years later WHY. April was not my child and I was not ever going to cross that line with her mother. Did I stop loving April, ABSOLUTELY NOT! Trying to explain why Jack isn't coming over to a soon to be three year old is not going to make a difference. I do not mean this in ANY disrespect to the child whatsoever but the mindset of a child of that is not one of "understanding" at almost three. The social and emotional development of a three year old is not going to understand "YOUR" reasoning of why you have to stay away. You would be doing this for you NOT the child. Does this mean you do not love her or love her ANY less? NO WAY!! She is NOT YOUR CHILD. NO matter what the mother is making her child do, you love that child by letting go and loving her from a distance. The child is NOT A TOY nor TAPE to hold a broken relationship together. It makes me ill just thinking how much this child is being used. Say a prayer for her Jack. Pray that one day YOU can explain why you had to leave. I would like to ask MaJik with her beautiful little girls or maybe Virgo with her 2 boys if they are around to help you with this one. It would be better for a MOM to explain how they feel about this topic. I do believe that no matter what, you need to take care of YOU FIRST! We are here for you if you need us!!! Hang in there !!! -SuperDave71 __________________ "Choosing to be positive and having a grateful attitude is going to determine how you're going to live your life." -Joel Osteen Come join us at theLoveLogic forums

11-14-2007, 12:55 PM	#4 (permalink)
lrw301jl Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Midwest Posts: 81 My Mood: Thanks: 5 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts Nominated 0 Times in 0 Posts TOTW/M Award(s): 0 Rep Power: 0	Update My ex called again last night for the second night in the row. I was having dinner with my friend. Before we even listen to the voicemail, my friend said it would be only Addie(ex's little girl) voice on the phone. What do you know, it was only Addie voice! I couldn't make what she was saying. I know I'm doing right thing by not picking up the phone. I just feel bad for Addie, I wish I could turn back the time, but I can't. The most important thing right now is focus on me. I'm sorry Addie, I will always love you!!!

11-14-2007, 10:59 PM	#7 (permalink)
bustertypsy Moderator Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Dublin,Ireland Posts: 246 My Mood: Thanks: 5 Thanked 10 Times in 8 Posts Nominated 0 Times in 0 Posts TOTW/M Award(s): 0 Rep Power: 0	I agree with LewisandClarke wholeheartedly!!

11-15-2007, 01:45 AM	#8 (permalink)
lrw301jl Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Midwest Posts: 81 My Mood: Thanks: 5 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts Nominated 0 Times in 0 Posts TOTW/M Award(s): 0 Rep Power: 0	Hey LewisandClark, I understand that where you come from however like you said; in the long run it would be best for me not to see Addie anymore. I love my ex and her daughter very much. It would be selfish of me still wanting to see her. Addie is only two/half years old and will turn three next month. I don't want to say this but with time kids under four will eventually will forget the person when they stop associate with them. I'm not trying to abandoned her. I'm just trying to watch out for her that is all. I hope you understand not one day goes by when I don't think about Addie. I just refuse to play games with my ex that is all. I don't know if trying to explain things to Addie would work due her age. jack

11-15-2007, 01:54 AM	#9 (permalink)
lrw301jl Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Midwest Posts: 81 My Mood: Thanks: 5 Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts Nominated 0 Times in 0 Posts TOTW/M Award(s): 0 Rep Power: 0	Another update: I don't know why tonight, I pick up an call that was "PRVIATE". I never pick up phone call when it doesn't show who is calling. I pick up and it was Addie on the another line. My heart just broke down. She was sounded so sweet! She ask me if I was coming over to see her and that she was sick because I wasn't there to take care of her. I told her not tonight then she ask if she can come over to myself. My heart is breaking right now. I want to see her so bad, but I know I shouldn't though. I talked to Addie for about five minutes and told her good-night/ that I love her dearly. My ex never said anything during the phone conversation between me and Addie. She was right next to her. Why is she doing this to me? Is hard enough for me. Am I being bad/ selfish person for ignoring a little girl wanting to see me. My heart ache so bad because I was the reason for our break-up. Tears are falling down my eye right now, I don't know what to do! Please help guys??? jack

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