Contact, no contact, contact, no contact...

[Loveless]

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen,

It has been around a week since I stopped contacting her, but every few days she has sent out text messages and then not replied to mine for a couple of days. I don't really understand why she would try to initiate contact and then completely ignore me, especially as it was her that wanted and needed space. I really don't think that she cares or has any feelings for me, a mindset that is definitely helping me recover, but it would help if I could begin to understand her behaviour. Also, I forgot to mention that I did not respond to one of her texts for a couple of days, so I guess she could have misinterpreted that as me choosing to ignore her and reciprocated that accordingly.

I've had the roughest month of my life because we were away together for a fortnight after she ended the relationship, and everyday just killed me inside. We backpacked to M orocco for a charity, spending a few nights in P aris and then moving down to Spain and going down the coastline past Barcelona and then taking a ferry to Mellila. Paris was especially romantic and culminated in one night-time when we kissed under the Eiffel tower at midnight, went to a restaurant, then to a great hotel in an area called Abbesses on the outskirts of the city, and had a great night. I knew that she felt something too just from her kisses... but the next day something switched and she just went cold. Also, keep in mind that this night occurred after she basically ended the relationship, and I asked her to just go on the trip as planned and see how we got along.

The rest of the trip was just me trying to pretend that I am happy when I was dying inside. I read another post here that really touched me and to paraphrase what the poster said, it really is soul breaking lying next to a person you love that can't even look you in the eye, and just turns around with their back to you. On one of the last few nights in Morocco, we were in the Merzougan desert, lying outside of the traditional Berber tent and looking up at the clear night sky, talking about all the constellations and star signs that we recognised and watching all the shooting stars, when I felt that she should know how I felt... So I told her that I loved her, and she basically responded by turning around and going to sleep, which just left me heartbroken. Even though I didn't sleep that night, at least I saw the sunrise, when everybody else was still snoring!

The situation is also really complicated because right now we live in the same halls of residence in university, and will be living in the same house net year... so I will have to break the no contact rule next term, which starts at the end of next week. I still love her, and would love her with all my heart if she would only let me, but she has also hurt me a lot in the process. Also, I have left been feeling that it has been my fault, because she felt pressured in the relationship. We did see each other everyday for a period of two months, and of course I didn't want to make her feel smothered, but that must have been how she felt. Moreover, and this is what hurt me the most, she accused me of being too rough with her! This is not related to sex or anything, just how I treated her... For example, she had a lot of work to do and would get stressed about deadlines, so I would gently turn her face away from her laptop to kiss her, or kneel back her chair and try to give her a shoulder massage, or just hug her to try and make her feel good. Hearing how she characterised my actions as being rough just made me feel unimaginably bad, particularly because there has been a lot of domestic abuse in my household when I was growing up, and I would never treat a woman badly. I seriously never considered that I could kill her feelings by... doing what I did.

I don't even know what to say now... I also have quite a few bad thoughts circling around in my head, about me just being a rebound guy and her already finding someone else. I still love her, but don't know what to do.

I've read previous advice, and I am trying to follow it by concentrating on myself and my life, but I need more time, which I can't really get because of that commitment to university and the inevitability that I will see her almost everyday there...

[Virgo69]

Originally Posted by Loveless

Even though I didn't sleep that night, at least I saw the sunrise, when everybody else was still snoring!

Yes you did. Yes, you will. Most see the “sunrise” and others continue to turn the other way and avoid it. The sun will rise no matter what. That light will find it’s way whether they want it or not. You can cover up yourself anyway you’d like but ultimately the light will find its way and shine as bright as ever.

Originally Posted by Loveless

However, she is the one that really started the relationship with me, so why would she compromise the friendship that we already had when she wasn't ready for a relationship?

Makes perfect sense to me! Not compromising is their way of saying their not ready for that relationship with you {which ever kind it is}. To keep from continued hurt, stop doing so much for someone who won’t return the favor. If they're not ready and not compromising, it’s time to move on. You did all the things you felt was needed to nurture the relationship. Nothing is your fault and you shouldn’t be blaming yourself. Sounds as though she may have taken you for granted... it’s her loss.

Prepare yourself... sounds it may be difficult when you DO head back and you're faced with her everyday. We are here for you so what ever concerns or questions you have, we'll do our best to help. Good luck

[xxSPHYNXxx]

One of the hardest things in life to accept and come to terms with is when you love somebody who isn't returning the same love....we have all been there at some time in
our life.

Crossing the line from friendship to intimacy is another....as Virgo said the sun will rise and set each day, as you will wake up each day and find that with each day it does get easier. You have alot of friends here that will help you thru.

Goodluck.

[Loveless]

Thanks for the consolation!

I will continue with NC for as long as I can and try to focus on myself...

[TornApart]

NC really is the only way to try and let go of that person. It will be tough to do if you are seeing her all the time though. Is there any way you can change your student accomodation so that you wont be living in the same house?

[Loveless]

Not really, we have already signed the contract, and to back out of it would be expensive for me. There are 7 people living in the house, and we are all friends already, so I wouldn't really want to go live with a random bunch of people! The only thing is that, if we don't get back together, I will probably see her there with another man; and even if we both move on by that time it would still hurt.

Hmm, I still love her and want to be with her... Should I be trying to fall out of love then? When we did talk about 'us', I didn't feel she was completely open and honest, so its hard for me to know whether I should be hopeful or not...

Also, Sphynx, you were talking about crossing the boundary between being friends to becoming lovers, but what about crossing that line twice?

[TornApart]

I don't think you should be trying to "fall out of love with her" but you should focus more on yourself and your own happiness. It really does work. I've tried NC for over a month....I cut my ex out of my life, focused on ME and now he's come back saying he wished we never fell out in the first place. Even if nothing happens between me and my ex, I now feel a lot better about myself.

I don't think it will be as easy for you to do NC while living with someone but you CAN make more time for yourself. She might just need a bit of space and time away at the moment....I don't know but if you sort things out in your own head, and come accross as a happy person then she's more likely to want to spend time with you again. Do you want to have her back?

[Loveless]

Yes, I still love her and want her back.

Today I went out with a few mates in London that I haven't seen since November, and needless to say, I got a bit drunk (and am a bit drunk at the moment). Don't worry, I didn't send any drunken texts or make any drunken calls... However, she sent me another text, where she asked how I was doing and stuff, and said that she was working followed by a sad face =(. I just replied back that I was out meeting friends and told her to not get too depressed over work... But she didn't reply after that one, what is she looking for?

She didn't say anything like 'I miss you' or 'thinking of you', or anything along those lines. Is she just being friendly? I have not tried contacting her since she dumped me really, and only replied to her text messages so I wouldn't come across as rude or impolite.

I just walked home right now as I missed the last bus... and loaded up her Facebook profile. She added some pictures and I just realised how much I love her again :( I know she has been communicating with some men over personal messages, but I don't know how deep those relationships are... Just looking at her smiling face on those pictures is heartbreaking because I still love her so much, but she is not showing any positive signs.

At least I didn't do anything I might regret whilst I was drunk!

[AJ30]

Good for you Jack, keep up the good work and attitude, at least you've got your head together....

Its for the best that you continue the way that you are, let her wonder about things... God knows what she's thinking.... give it a little time.


Meanwhile I've been sitting here contemplating another Jack, not one that has the heart that you do, he isn't worth it... if only that ex-woman of yours knew what she had.... ah well, there ya go eh.... can't win....

Hang in Jack, just know she'll be be the loser if she gives you away o.k.?


xx

Sandy

[xxSPHYNXxx]

Positive attitiude is a step in the right direction... Focusing on "YOU" right now is another. One day at a time my friend.....