When Can I Contact the Person Again? How Long Should I Wait? - SuperDave71

[SuperDave71]

Hello everyone at theLoveLogic,


The titles of this post says it all. I must say, this is the most asked question I receive and I thought it would be only fair to address such a huge issue with a single post.


**Caution**

Before we begin, I would like to address my style of writing and my way of thinking. First off, I am not a professional therapist. This post, as well as my countless others, are strictly my opinion. The advice given is based off my experience with my personal relationships, both past and present.

I am a realist. I do not intend to give answers, nor a quick fix formula to get back the one you love; there is no such thing. If there were, we would all be aware and using it and there would be no need for this discussion. Please take the following advise to heart but make your own decisions based off of your current situation. Everyone’s status quo is different and there is no logical way I could address them all. **


Let’s begin shall we…


One of the most anticipated questions I get is, “When can I contact the person again?” Before I give my opinion on this, let’s take a look at some of the variables involved.


The Breakup:

The word “breakup” can easily be associated with something negative. It can evoke sympathy, it can bring sorrow and tears you never thought possible. The feelings you may be feeling right now hurt so much that you forgot what it felt like to feel …well “normal”. You can’t eat, you can’t sleep. Thoughts of your ex and the good times you had together come at you like a cage fighter. You can’t seem to turn off the memories. You can’t focus on anything but your ex. The “What if’s…” and the “I wonder if they still about me…?” questions obsess you. MAKE IT STOP!!!!
The truth is, YOU CAN make it stop if you truly want it to stop!


Let me explain…


Relationships:

In the beginning, relationships are surreal. Remember the phrase “in the beginning”, we will be referring back to it a few times for clarity’s sake. If you could see yourself from someone else’s eyes, you would be floating on air. You smile for no reason and you CAN’T have a bad day even if you tried. You glow. That glow comes from your heart and all the chemicals that are being released from your brain. To bad there is not a chemical called “Butterflies”…the feeling you get in your stomach when you think of someone your’re really attracted to is really attracted to you as well. How on earth is that bad? It can’t be right? Well, yes and no.


In the beginning, you get to know one another. You anticipate their call. You are attentive and supportive. You have all night converstations that last until the dawn, only to fall asleep in one anther’s arms. You wake up next to this new blessing that walked into your life and you just can’t believe it’s FINALLY happened to you. You found happiness. At least you BELIEVE you have… We have all ‘fallen’ in love. I have probably four times in my life and there is nothing like it. I can remember walking home from one of my lover’s apartment while it was pouring down rain….did I care? No…I began to sing out loud “I’m singing in the rain..just singing in the rain….what a glorious feeling, I’m happy again…” I twirled my umbrella just like Gene Kelly in that famous scene years ago. I was on top of the world.


NOTHING COULD STOP ME NOW!!!


Or so I thought…


The honeymoon stage was over. The newness has vanished and the routine of the relationship starts. I am not referring to the “same ol’e thing day in or day out”..I am referring to, you have a common routine you may follow but none the less…that routine includes you and your lover. Things carry on…the days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months. The seasons change…and so does the relationship. What once was new and exciting….is possibly …well…..routine. The all night conversations have ceased. The phone calls in the middle of the day have begun to get shorter and shorter. As the week-end approaches, you hear “Tonight, I am going out with my friends, we can hang out tomorrow”. You know the drill. This is nothing new.


The scene I am creating above is one that I have not only experienced, but have read about in countless e-mails and posts right here on theLoveLogic. This scene does NOT BY ANY MEANS refer to every relationship. Not by a long shot. I just wanted to set the mood of the post by referring so something we all can relate to.


The Rub:

Ever bought something you HAD TO ABSOLUTELY have? I mean you could NOT sit still or think clearly until you had it in your possession. Let me ask you this, name 5 things in your life that you HAD to have and you finally got it. Can you name 5? Did you have to think for a moment? Why? If they were so HUGE and so “I HAVE TO HAVE IT NO MATTER WHAT THE COST?”..why did you have to think? I will tell you..it’s called appreciation. Do you still feel the same way about it? What I am getting at is, do you STILL feel the same “OH MY GAWD, I HAVE TO HAVE IT NOW” feeling today that you did then? Probably not. People are NOT items, but the appreciation factor is the same.


**Important**
In general, once something is ours, we typically don’t appreciate it as much as we used to. OUCH! Again, I want to preface this with…this does NOT refer to everyone. I am merely allowing you to make up your own mind and think about the sentence above.


Let me give you a general example:

You have been dating for at least 8 months. You call your girlfriend or boyfriend and ask them if they want to come over and watch a movie. One of two things will happen….they will….or they won’t. “In the beginning…” there would probably NOT been a choice…you would hear “I’ll be right there!” Make sense?


People have things to do, they make sacrifices to be with the one’s they care about because THEY WANT TO..NOT because they have to.
You know the drill, we all remember our first disagreement. We all remember our first “Hey, they haven’t called me today”. Does any of this sound familiar? Does any of this ring a bell? This may NOT have anything to do with yoru current relationship but I am sure you can associate it with one you have had in the past.


What is Appreciation? ( There are several, but I am using the one that pertains to this exaple only):

Definiton: Recognition of the quality, value, significance, or magnitude of people and things.

Let’s move on shall we….


After the breakup:
Breakups occur when, plain and simple, someone’s needs are NOT being met. There could be many symtoms of such:

1. Jealousy
2. Abuse
3. Anger issues
4. Insecurities
5. Drug or alcohol abuse
6. Control issues
7. Lying
8. Infidelity

etc etc… The list could go on and on.


No Contact:
Similarly, I read about something called “No Contact”. What on earth was this nonsense? How can I get her back, if I can’t communicate with her….how stupid is that? …so I thought. I made the millions of mistakes so many of us have. I called, I texted, I emails, I ordered roses, I wrote her a song, a poem and it all failed.


**Something to think about**

Put yourself in your ex’s shoes…If you did NOT appreciate them or you didn’t DEMONSTRATE to them on a regular basis that they meant everything to you…HOW ON EARTH WILL BEGGING, PLEADING, ROSES, TEXTS, IM’s, ‘I LOVE YOU’s’, or any other form of affection…MEAN ANYTHING TO THEM IF YOU NEGLECTED THEM FOR SO LONG????
How would you feel? Do you feel horrible for the breakup, or do you feel horrible because you know you neglected them and you were just unaware of it? or possibly FULLY aware of it. The way we learn to appreciate things is to realize that they will NOT ALWAY be there. You may watch televison everyday…but the day it breaks…you appreciate the fact that it was working just days before.


My way of thinking is this; “If you do nothing…you can do no wrong.” Some agree with this….some don’t. Either way, it’s based on your situation.

No Contact is something I believe (now) that will help everyone and the pain of a breakup by taking the focus off of your ex and the relationship and putting it on you. How can you fix what you don’t know is broken? Have you ever had a flat tire? Do you continue to drive on it AFTER it is flat? I hope not.

No contact allows you to take few steps back and think about your sitution. You must remember, you must focus on YOU and NOT your ex. You can only change you. No matter how much you would like to say, “Well they did this…and THEY did that..” it will do you nor the relationship any good. Why? Because you CAN’T CHANGE THEM OR THE PAST. Just think..time never stops. It continues forward. There are no time machines. The only way we can re-live the past is in our heads. It’s called MEMORIES.

We can close our eyes and think of the past..whether good or bad. We can gather up all the GOOD memories of our ex and start to feel sadness because you know once they are gone, you believe so are the good times with them. Let me ask you this? Can you remember the last week you had with your ex? Was is filled with good memories?


Most of the time, the GOOD memories that occur are because you refer to the “in the beginning” days…possibly serveral in the middle but LITTLE in the end. Sad to say for some, it is only AFTER someone is gone that they can APPRECIATE THE FACT that YOU HAD GOOD TIMES…and NOT always bad. The harsh truth is you still wake up alone..you still feel the emptiness…you still feel lonely..you still feel well “incomplete”.
I want to be perfectly clear on something…


**Note**

This post DOES NOT assume that the breakup was ALL YOUR FAULT…NOT AT ALL. I am only referring to ONE SIDE (My side) and trying to get you to think about it from another angle. Nothing more.

You come to theLoveLogic, you post your story looking for advice. You get a response from those who are loving and compassionate enough to give you guidance and encouragement. You read post after post associating your story with so many like it. What did others do? What mistakes have they made? How can you avoid the same mistakes? The questions are endless.

No contact is not a game. It is not misleading to your ex. Anyone who wants to be friends after a breakup is not only fooling themselves, but wanting to throw salt in your already gapine wound. How can you go backwards? How can you just be friends when the emotions are at their highest? Your lover may be on an imaginary pedestal and they want to be friends? They want you to have the ability to turn off all the love and feeling you have and be buddies? I think not….NOT yet.

If you have ever heard the line “I think we should take some time off because I just don’t know what I want..”, this means they want to breakup and date other people while hoping you will wait and be ok with the process. It, simply put, is “Will you be my safety-net”. They expect you to love them and possibly give them the same attention when they need it, but your needs are not that important… Let this nonsense go. Be a better person and walk away…cleanly.

You apply No Contact correctly…the hours turn into days…the days into weeks and the weeks into months. The feelings you have while TRYING SO HARD NOT to contact your ex are unmeasaurable. You are trying so hard to work on you….after some time..the feelings start to not fade..but subside. Thoughts of your ex seem to disapate slowly. Do they still think of me? Do they miss me? These questions can be answered based on what the relationship was BEFORE the break. Was it loving? NOT only from your point of view, but theirs? It is so easy to say “We were so in love”..when you may ASSUME THEY WERE….I never make assumptions anymore. I only speak for me. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN ANY WORDS…..If someone tells you they love you then does NOT demonstrate it ….is that love? I think not.


The phone has not rung in weeks. The need to run and check the voicemail fades. The emails have stopped…the text messages and IM’s are no more….the need to look at myspace and other sites is no more. You have accepted your breakup and possibly that it was the best thing. The term “EX” is not associated with something bad. We are all someone’s ex. Are we considered bad people? Absolutley not.


There is no amount of time that I could give you that would be appropriate to contact your ex again. I remember years ago, I would tell myself, “I will do NC for a month and then give her a call..” I was so wrong because my intentions were not what the should have been. I wanted her back yet I have not worked on me….I was losing a LOSING battle.


Once I finally gained focus on my feelings…I became aware of my issues when I was in the relationship…I worked on them. I turned the focus NOT on my ex..but ME. That my friends, was my moment of Zen. I had to let her go….completely. I let her go in order to love me. I am all I have that I am 100% certain of. I control no one but me. I am in control of my being..my emotions, my thoughts and my life ONLY. I had lost control of who I was. I put soooo much attention on getting my ex back that I didn’t matter anymore. I lost me. When I stopped loving who I was and what my hopes and dreams were to be loved by someone else was the moment I gave up on anything I wanted and placed my happiness and well being on someone else…..when they left…I was left with nothing because my hopes, dreams and goals left with them.. I was shattered.


I lost everything so I thought….UNTIL I MADE A DECISION TO LOVE ME AGAIN.
I was worth more than she was. We all are. Our ex’s are going to do what make them the happiest. No matter if we are involved or not. We can do the same thing. NO matter how much time you invested in a relationship..if you are unhappy, WHY STAY?? Why try to convince yourself that you can make the best of it? Why try to tell yourself this is the best you can do? You’re too old? You’re too fat? You’re too unattractive? You’re too…. If these thoughts enter your head…you are defeated. You have lost who you are in order to be loved by someone else. IS THAT LOVE?? NO WAY!! We put so much thought, tears, energy, emotion and whatever else you can think of into something that is not a guarantee. You have NO idea if they will return….


To love and be loved are some of the most precious gifts that God has allowed us to share and experience. Many assume that being loved has to come form someone else…..You could NOT be more wrong. Look in the mirror!! Are you worthless? Are YOU still in there somewhere? When you were a child, did you not have dreams and goals BEFORE your ex ever exsisted? I bet you did? Where did they go? I bet if you look at yourself, inside and out…they are still there….I am sure they have changed thru the years but they are there. BE YOU! BE YOU and learn to acccept the fact that you matter FIRST. If someone cannot share or support you and your dreams INSTEAD OF ALLOWING THEM TO BECOME YOUR SUPPORT AND DREAMS…then walk away. Don’t fool yourself… YOU BE YOU!!!


**My Answer**

The question that was originally asked was:

“When can I contact the person again?”

Plain and simple… when you can love yourself more than your ex and that no matter what is said, done, experienced or thought, you know in your head and in your heart that you will be 100% alright because you are an individual.

You are a treasure from God and you will be bless the rest of your life because of it. Hold your head up…dry those tears because you have alot of love and life to give to someone who deserves it…right now that person is you.

God bless you all….I wish you the best no matter what you do and who you are with…


Your Friend,


SuperDave71