Support Big bump on road to reconciliation - please be gentle!!

[rapunzel]

I didn't get any responses and have changed my mind about posting this. Thanks, rapunzel

[Pizza Girl]

I read your original post, Rapunzel. I just didn't know quite what to tell you. It's hard when you're trying to work things out with an ex.

[SuperDave71]

Rapunzel,

I also read your thread and I can honestly say be careful. So many people out there use any contact as a "sign." I was guilty as charged years ago. Go with what you know, not what you think or assume you know.

I know it's difficult and we do care about you. Please feel free to repost or ask any questions you may have. We are here for you. You are one of our family and I want you to know that you matter.


Take care,



SuperDave71

[Pizza Girl]

If you are seeing him socially, you need to be very honest with each other about what you each want. Otherwise you are going to get hurt. If he can't give you what you want, and you can't give him what he wants, then you don't need to go out. You have to be sure. Don't think you can "deal" with how things are.

I hope this helps.

-Pizza Girl-

[rapunzel]

Thanks for your replies.

I have reposted my original post below (or a reasonable facsimile of it).

I have been a bit of a wreck about this since last week but today I feel more calm. I know he is not over her but they have not been lovers for over 1.5 years. They have seen each other from time to time...but this last contact he had with her on his birthday was after 3 mos of no contact.

Anyway, I know the fact that that he wanted to see her ON his birthday speaks volumes. He told me later that she held his hand (he said she often does this, and I do remember watching her kiss him full on the lips when she greeted him at an event, when they were just "friends". I believe that they were not seeing each other then, this is just how she operates. He did admit he is hurting from the whole thing and that it pained him to talk to me about it. He said he is afraid he is not being fair to me.

He did say he is really just trying to accept that it is over (although to me it is possibly not over, she may be testing the waters to see if she wants to start things up again)....and my sense is that given the chance he would take her back in a heartbeat.

I have decided to back off and give him a week or so.....perhaps not answer the phone and not return his call for a couple of days...if/when he calls.

I did see him this past Sat., I had planned to end things but when I was with him I just couldn't do it. I know this sets me up for him to possibly end things AGAIN with me which I very much want to avoid. I know I should tell him I do not want to continue under the current circumstances. Part of me just wants to disappear for 2 weeks until I have to see him again...

I'm not sure entire "honesty" is needed here, I don't need to put my heart out on the line for him to say "yes, I want to wait for my ex to come back to me". I did this on Saturday when I pretty much asked him outright if his hope was that she would come back to him. his answer (said very gently and carefully): "Why are you asking me this? Because you may hear something that could hurt you."

Well there was my answer. Yet, he knows how he felt when he lost his ex and isn't it possible he could feel some sense of loss if he loses me?

Any more thoughts on how to handle this? We work part time together...


About two months ago my ex and I started dating after a 9 month break. He confided in me at that time that he was going through a pretty major depression, part of it related to the fact that HIS ex had started dating someone else. They had had an on again off again thing for 4-5 years. When we started dating in 2007 they had been broken up for 6 months. They were 'friends' while we were dating but they did not sleep together and I trust he is being truthful. I told him it was OK, I was still grieving my prior relationship and we could just take it one day at a time, enjoy the present moments and not project into the future. He was also having big work/life issues, very unhappy with his current work and wants to change, feeling stuck.

So this week was his birthday. We spent 4 nights in a row last week seeing each other after I was out of town for 4 nights. Well, one night was not a date but we did see each other, amongst other people who were there.

It seemed we were getting closer and more intimate last week although on Sunday I felt he was pulling away a bit. I mentioned it was his b-day this week and asked him if he had plans. He had taken me out for my b-day last month so I just assumed we'd see each other. He told me he had to a do a few errands Sunday and that he'd call me later in the day. We talked about maybe getting together later...he called and said he was pretty beat and was just going to go to bed early and I agreed that was a good idea - we had had some late nights earlier that week. He got off the phone quickly and I didn't bring up his b-day. I thought about calling him but I felt funny so I let it go.

The next night I saw him at our work meeting and told our colleagues it was his b-day (most don't know about us) and when I got him alone I asked him if he wanted to have dinner on his b-day. He told me he had already made plans with a "friend". He was acting a little weird. I think I looked rather crestfallen and told him I wanted to spend his b-day with him but we were so quick on the phone on Sunday. He just shrugged and said, "well I didn't hear you ask me if I was going to do anything, and I wasn't going to ask YOU so when this friend called I just said yes to dinner". I then asked him if he wanted to get together some other night this week and he said "sure, how about Wednesday?"

So last night we go out and as we were driving to the restaurant, he tells me he had dinner with his ex who he hasn't seen nor spoken to in 3 months and reportedly broke up with for the last time in December 2006. He said it bummed him out and "it was a drag". He then said "well, there's nothing happening there, that's for sure". I asked him why, and if he was hoping for romantic reconciliation. He said, "well....part of me did". Even though last year when we were dating told me the reason they broke up is she wanted to get married and he did not.

So it put a damper on the evening, we talked about it a bit more and he could tell I was hurt. I've been really good at staying calm, non pushy, clingy, having fun and being light the last two months but this was hard to swallow. He admitted that once he lost her, and she was dating someone else, he realized what he had lost and wanted her back. He said she has told him she wants to be "just friends", but it seems significant she called him and wanted to see him around his birthday, and certainly it is significant that he chose to be with her rather than with me. I also know she was on Match.com.

We work together part time so unless I quit the situation, I will have to see him. But it will be 3 weeks from last night until our next work meeting.

I don't know how to handle this. He held my hand as we walked down the street after he told me, and put his arm around me when we left the restaurant. He wrote me a note this AM thanking me for the great dinner and thoughtful gifts (I have him two very small gifts) and signed it "xoxox". I did not reply to that. A few hours later he sent me a business email asking for a colleague's phone number, and I did reply to that but was business-like. He just wrote back "thanks!".

Over the past two months he seems jealous when other guys talk to me, he always asks me who they are, how do I know them, etc. He has been calling a lot, paying for everything, giving me compliments and saying nice things to me, he has not said the "L" word.

I cried all morning. At one point last night he said due to the look on my face, he was sorry for telling me and he did not think he was going to as he knew it would hurt my feelings. He pointed out that he has been honest with me about it since the beginning of our reconciliation two months ago, and I did respond, that yes, he has been honest but it is clear that he is still emotionally invested in her. He did not argue that he was not.

He has not broken up with me and the email this AM makes it sound like he's acting like nothing happened. I feel I have a few options:

1. Break up with him if/when he calls me again. Tell him it's obvious he's still hung up on her and I don't want to be his back up/band aid. I thought we had a great connection and was hoping for a second chance to see where things went, but until he figures out where his head is at, I'm not interested.

2. Disappear for 1 week, maybe to 3 weeks, ignore any calls or emails.

3. Talk to him more about where he's "at" and have an open honest conversation.

4. Pull WAY back and become unavailable, but don't tell him....date other people..go out with him but much less often....be nonchalant, mysterious. Let him bring up any conversations about what happened.

5. Call him and break up with him.

[SuperDave71]

Thank you for replying and putting this back up on the forum for us Rapunzel.


-SuperDave71

[rapunzel]

Thanks SuperDave...

Do you think i should hang in there a bit longer, just pull way back and date others, be less available...or just end it cold turkey? I know you can't tell me what to do but you're a guy and you know what it feels to be hung up on your ex.

I know he likes me, even cares about me but I also know he's hung up on her. I don't know much about her motives. He seems convinced she's not interested in reconciliation. He also told me he knows that even if she did come back to him, that it would not make him happy (he has some other issues going on with his life), that he has to do that. And there is the added problem of us working together if we do break up.

thanks for your support SD....

[SuperDave71]

If I were you...I would pull WAAAAY back. As a guy, if I were interested in getting back together, I would do what it takes. If you pull back, typically a distancer will become a follower IF they truly want you.

Don't settle for scraps when you should be sitting at the table enjoying the feast.

I believe in you....


-SuperDave71

[rapunzel]

Thanks SuperDave -

Not to belabor the point, but by pulling WAY back do I just become unavailable for a week or two, because I'm "busy"? Truthfully I do have out of town plans over the next two weekends and the next two weeks are quite busy for me...

Do I just play the game and not return calls right away, and when I do call back, just try to get his voicemail and say I've been out of town and maybe we can get together next week....or do I tell him honestly what I'm doing? e.g. "XXX, I care for you and enjoy your company but I think you need some time to figure out what you want so I think we should take a break for a while."

I know you can't tell me what to do but your advice (as a guy!) is greatly appreciated.

rapunzel

[Insight411]

Rapunzel, I think I like the 2nd option. Honesty works wonders and you two need space. Take that time to be honest with self and maybe even start thinking with your head instead of your heart.

Your eyes and brain are in your head, pay attention to reality and be reasonable. Let the heart take a backseat for awhile. We are here for you.