Imagine that .... I'm back.

[JTV2008]

After a long absence from the boards, I resurfaced a month ago only to disappear again a short while later.

I feel like I don't even deserve to post this thread because I've been gone for so long and missed out on so much, but I'm feeling particularly down tonight.

I don't even think I have the energy to get into the nitty-gritty details, but a few months ago (beginning of March), I let my ex back into my life. Yes, the one that brought me to these boards in the first place.

I thought we could be just friends. And for the first month and a half, we were. It was me that was touting, "Of course we can be just friends!" Chatted daily, saw each other once or twice every couple of weeks, but it was always platonic. Then at the end of April, physical intimacy was re-introduced and right then, I was done. The old feelings that I thought had been put away came flooding back. They were one sided though. It was all me. We started to spend more and more time together; seeing each other just as much as we did when we were dating. We even started doing sleepovers.

Then about a week and a half ago he was laid off from his job. A feeling that I am VERY familiar with. That weekend we had a great night together and the following day (Monday) everything changed. He got distant. The daily chats stopped and instead of conversations, it was more like a few lines here and there every few days whereas before we had spoken EVERY DAY since the beginning of March. We spoke later that week and he told me that if he did not find a job soon that he was going to go to Iraq to work as a civilian (he has guaranteed work over there). Then he goes on to tell me that he also quit the band, saying that he was cutting ties just in case he had to leave the country.

I know he's stressed. This is a horrible predicament for him to be in, but I'm also sensing something else very familiar .... he is acting the way he used to act before he would just go into straight NC with me, except now it just seems like he's trying to do the slow fade. The last couple of times we've spoken (online), it's been me that started the conversation and even then it only lasts a few minutes before he ends it because he has to go do something. I've also noticed that he's been more active on this dating site lately as well (although that's not saying much because I'm on there a lot, too but only out of boredom, but still). But also, we weren't dating so he could be active all he wants .... for him, I'm pretty sure this was just a FWB thing.

The bottom line is I feel like I did several months ago and it's not a good feeling. I'm sitting here with a knot in my stomach wondering who the new girl is he friended on FB (and yes, I know his tie to all of his friends on there - he only has something like 50, but this girl doesn't fit into any of them). I'm analyzing every last word and action. I'm wondering what he's doing when he's online but not saying anything to me. These are ALL things I know I shouldn't be doing, but the heartbroken "16" year old girl can't help it.

I thought I learned. I thought I had this all under control. But I don't and it's scary to think about having to deal with and go through with this all over again.

Part of me says to just go straight into NC, delete him as a friend on FB and just be done with it. Then another part of me says that I just need to be an adult and deal with this. I was the one that said we could just be friends so do I have any sort of responsibility to live up to that during this time in his life when he is super stressed?

I'm sorry for the long post. Again, I don't even feel like I deserve to ask for support since I've been gone for so long. Even just typing this all out has made me feel better.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[Frangipani]

Hey TV, good to have you back. As far as support goes...don't be silly!!! Of course you can ask for it!!!

I thought we could be just friends. And for the first month and a half, we were. It was me that was touting, "Of course we can be just friends!" Chatted daily, saw each other once or twice every couple of weeks, but it was always platonic. Then at the end of April, physical intimacy was re-introduced and right then, I was done. The old feelings that I thought had been put away came flooding back. They were one sided though. It was all me. We started to spend more and more time together; seeing each other just as much as we did when we were dating. We even started doing sleepovers.

I feel your pain as I am going through something a little similar. The sex part is kind of not as relevant (no regular sex is why we kinda broke up) but there have been a tonne of sleepeovers where we spoon one another to sleep and we hang out as much as when we were together.

I think you HAVE actually learned from before...because you are deciding what has to be done. You are seeing red flags and giving yourself options now. You won't stay in this for the long haul because you have learnt from the past.

I was the one that said we could just be friends so do I have any sort of responsibility to live up to that during this time in his life when he is super stressed?

Yes, but you didn't tell him you could be FWB's did you? That's not really being friends. When intimacy comes back into play and there is no actual 'dating' we sometimes forget that we aren'tactually dating. We kind of expect the other party to be loyal to us when they don't have to be. It sucks but it happens

I don't think you have to be his buddy through this stressful time either. Is he giving a crap about your feelings right now? No. I would stop going to see him and just converse via phone or IM. Or maybe not at all. If you are getting upset about things you are seeing on FB...you are getting attached again. Maybe NC is the best thing to do or LC.

[JTV2008]

Thanks for the response, Fran. It means a lot! I'm sorry that you're still struggling through your issues with your man. Sometimes cuddling and spooning can feel just as intimate. It's just that physical closeness that feels so wonderful.

I was the one that made the first move in regards to sex. I don't believe he ever would have.

Originally Posted by Frangipani

When intimacy comes back into play and there is no actual 'dating' we sometimes forget that we aren't actually dating. We kind of expect the other party to be loyal to us when they don't have to be.

That is SO true. We never said we were dating. We never talked about it. It just *felt* like we were in my head.

Originally Posted by Frangipani

I don't think you have to be his buddy through this stressful time either. Is he giving a crap about your feelings right now? No. I would stop going to see him and just converse via phone or IM. Or maybe not at all. If you are getting upset about things you are seeing on FB...you are getting attached again. Maybe NC is the best thing to do or LC.

That's the thing ..... we barely converse at all now. Before it was everyday, now it's just a few lines via IM every few days. One convo was initiated by him, the others by me and I feel stupid when I do so. Like I'm bugging him or something. And yes, I've gotten attached again. That's the WORST part of all this and which is where my struggle comes in. Last Friday (July 3rd), I sent him a very nice card via snail mail telling him how I was sorry he was going through a rough time and that I'd be there for him to lean on, etc. I went on and on about how I understand and how I think he's a good man and all that jazz. So because of that, I feel like I can't go NC even though he's not even thanked me yet (even though the card was delivered this past Monday or Tuesday at the VERY latest). I guess I could try LC. Heck, that's kind of what we're doing now anyway. It's almost like if I don't ping him, then we won't talk.

I guess it's time for bed. Thank you so much for responding.

[Frangipani]

He didn't say thanks for the card and he doesn't initiate convos??? Nup. Go NC. That's a HUGE red flag. He doesn't deserve you and it doesn't sound like he wants you either.

I was reading the book, "It's called a break-up because it's broken" the other night and it hit home in a few areas. One thing it mentioned was ' the humiliation of begging for the scraps of a broken relationship without any committment'. I've done it before and you are doing it now. My circumstances are a little different because I'm not a FWB but you can't do this TV. You can see you are getting attached again...so run for the hills now!!! If this guy really cared about you he would not treat you so selfishly.

Let him go. If he can't even be bothered to initiate a convo - it's time to just disappear. He's already talking about moving OS, so let it go now before it's forced upon you anyway. You are a gorgeous girl...you deserve a man who will treasure and love you

PS: Try reading the book I mentioned. It's quite good

[Silverstar]

Jen,

you really don't have to apologize for asking for support, the board is here for people in need, doesn't matter if you have not been around or not. Of course we will help you Jen.

Fran allready gave a lot of good advice, and I agree with her that you should not take any initiatve to contact him anymore. His actions show it all. I know he broke your heart again but I think he didn't do it on purpose and he also feels bad that he let it come this far.

Loosing his job also made it a bigger problem for him. Him cutting his ties with the band, and actively looking for a job overseas shows he is serious about leaving everything behind him to be far away. He is running away from the problems he created because he wasn't strong enough to say no to you when you went further than friends. (hey, I can see why, you are a very atractive woman)

I think he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore but he doesn't know how to tell you.
I think it's better to end it again, go true the broken heart thing again, and when you're healed you look for someone new. I think you will heal faster this time Jen.

You have to decide if you're going to react if he initiates contact and be his friend in this stressfull time but you must not react to it if you feel you want more out of it than just being his friend.

Wish lots of strength.
Keep us updated and post as much as you want, we are here for you.

[JTV2008]

Thanks, guys. You two are both right. He definitely doesn't want me. Fran, I have that book! Sounds like I need to dig it up and read it again. It's funny because I've sort of stayed away from reading things about break ups, etc. because I feel like this isn't a 'break up' because we were never "together" this time around, but I think the feelings I'm having are the same nonetheless.

It's true, Fran. We'll both be online (and he comes in and out of idle so I know he's there) and he won't say a word to me which is a FAR CRY from how it was a couple of weeks ago.

And Silver, I agree - he didn't do this on purpose. I was the one that made him feel like we could just be friends. I was the one that made the first move towards re-introducing sex. He just went along with it.

I guess I should go NC, but it'll be difficult if he tries to contact me. But you know what? Maybe he won't since I feel like he's trying to do the slow fade anyway.

Thanks again you two for the words.

[ruby09]

Don't be silly, of course you deserve to post. I did the exact same thing only I didn't get as much attention. He hasn't contacted me for a few days. What else is new? If you are feeling like this is a familiar scene, it is. I think you need to keep some distance. Love obviously isn't enough. Don't make excuses for him. His lack of a job is no excuse to hurt you, again. I told my guy I need some different behavior from him. He said he missed me and that things would be different. I have seen alittle change but not much. I stopped contact because he needs to know I mean business. I will not settle for less than I deserve, and neither should you. My heart is with you. Please feel free to contact me if you need to. Feel better..... peace

[xxSPHYNXxx]

Hi Jen~

As the others said, don't feel "guilty" or that you are undeserving to post at this board or for anything else in life...we are always here for you and anyone else in need regardless!

First of all I want to say I am sorry you are once again going thru this. Doesn't matter if its the second time or tenth...it still hurts and we will always be supportive of trying to help you.

In reading through this situation what I find is we all at some point try to "fool" our heads into believing that we can leave a relationship especially one that had been intimate and then cross over to the friend role when we are not completely healed or over that....I do believe in "time" when we accept the relationship dynamics have changed, that it will never be an "us" again and if we "want" to be friends then yes that can happen...What can never work though is "crossing the line" from the friendship to any type of sexual....as you my friend experienced. ONE will always end up wanting an "us" again.

My advice to you would be to do NC..from Facebook, IM, email, text any form of contact at this point. You are going to have to once again detach yourself from him completely.

Jen I hope you know you are not alone, I hope your doing better... I know you know it will take time...just take it slowly, little by little..day by day....

Hugs

Pam

[suzie q]

hey jen!

we all know what it's like to get caught up in life, but we're 100000% still here to support one another.

i am SO sorry that you're going through this again. i don't know what to say on top of what has already been said (we have some really smart members!), but i wanted to let you know that i am still around and thinking about you.

just remember what you deserve and what you are worth!

we love you!