Still on the rollercoaster but looking forward to healing and acceptance

[rapunzel]

Hi All –

It’s been a while, I hope you are all doing well.

Me, I’m working on it. You may remember I am in a band with my ex, met him gee, it will be 3 years in January. We had two relationships and he ended both of them. The last two years have been the most challenging of my adult life.

He brought his new girlfriend to our show the other night. Apparently during my tune that I sing lead vocal on he got off stage (he does not play on this particular song) and greeted this woman, and was kissing her rather passionately. The keyboard player told me he could see them from the stage. I stared straight ahead and tried to focus on my performance.

Needless to say, it was an upsetting evening. We pretty much ignored each other. I know he has moved on, for good, there is no turning back and I have no future with this man. But I haven’t met anyone and I’m very, very lonely. And he is still very attractive to me despite what has happened.

The new girlfriend is 15 years younger than he, and 13 years younger than I am. So he got what he wanted, a much younger woman and I’m sure her value is already automatically increased in his eyes. She has two Ivy league degrees, is blond. I do feel that is one of the reasons he rejected me – he wanted to hold out for someone younger - and he got her.

Anyway, I’m having a pretty tough time keeping it together. I had envisioned quitting the group and starting afresh in 2010, getting away from him completely…but friends and my band mate are advising me that I will continue to be depressed and obsessed with him, and that quitting the group is really not the answer. I don’t know…

I am taking a vacation to get away from this….for about 9 days. This will be a good break but I will have to face him at a rehearsal in November prior to our next show. I guess I’m looking for a pep talk and some encouraging words. I know I suffer from “stinkin’ thinking” and this is ALL in the way I am thinking. My negative thoughts need to be replaced with positive, forward thinking thoughts. I KNOW I can do this. Today I just need a little support. Thanks so much.

[Slick]

Hello Rapunzel...glad to see you again

I'm beginning to think you'll hardly pass this stage as long as you have him in front of your eyes as him and his life's developments are a constant attention grabber and it's understandable....probably 8 out of 10 people will be exactly where you are now in the given situation.

About him, there's not much to say or even do...he has his life now and will face the consequences of his actions alone...good or bad, fair or unfair, it's the life he chooses for himself and waiting to see how the chips fall for him is not the solution to your progress. Again, what the other woman does it's not your problem to sink your teeth into...younger, better looking, more joyfull- sure, all the fireworks are nice to watch, but you're forgetting that 13 years full of life's teachings are on your advantage and you'll always have maturity and responsability as aces in your pocket. It's sad that you are lonely, but always keep in mind you are in that spot by your own choosing...nobody will pull you out of there if you're not willing to pull yourself out first. Self-Isolation is a poisonous road that will leave permanent scars on the long run.

Take those days off Rapunzel, try to clear your thoughts and reboot them in the right way, not from the outside-> inside (as you are doing it now, becoming a magnet of negativity) but the other way around.

Cheers, Mike

[rapunzel]

Thank you, Slick!

As I noted, I'm on a rollercoaster. Even before I got your reply, I'm feeling positive, powerful, optimistic that I CAN DO THIS. I am NOT GOING TO QUIT because of HIM. I am STRONGER than THAT. I DO NOT LET ONE MAN DETERMINE MY WORTH.

I will be one of the 2 out of 10 who can get past this and NOT LET THIS MAN bring me down.

I have stuck it out THIS LONG and to just throw in my cards and leave the table at this point is NOT AN OPTION.

He is going to have to DEAL with ME and not the other way around. I am going to be the strong, powerful, together, funny, smart, talented, pretty woman I was BEFORE I MET HIM. You are right Slick, he makes his choices and he will have to live with them. I was FINE before I met him and I"m going to be even MORE FINE with or without him!

I wish him the best and I hope he finds lasting love with his new woman. How's that?? :msmile47:

Originally Posted by Slick

Hello Rapunzel...glad to see you again

I'm beginning to think you'll hardly pass this stage as long as you have him in front of your eyes as him and his life's developments are a constant attention grabber and it's understandable....probably 8 out of 10 people will be exactly where you are now in the given situation.

About him, there's not much to say or even do...he has his life now and will face the consequences of his actions alone...good or bad, fair or unfair, it's the life he chooses for himself and waiting to see how the chips fall for him is not the solution to your progress. Again, what the other woman does it's not your problem to sink your teeth into...younger, better looking, more joyfull- sure, all the fireworks are nice to watch, but you're forgetting that 13 years full of life's teachings are on your advantage and you'll always have maturity and responsability as aces in your pocket. It's sad that you are lonely, but always keep in mind you are in that spot by your own choosing...nobody will pull you out of there if you're not willing to pull yourself out first. Self-Isolation is a poisonous road that will leave permanent scars on the long run.

Take those days off Rapunzel, try to clear your thoughts and reboot them in the right way, not from the outside-> inside (as you are doing it now, becoming a magnet of negativity) but the other way around.

Cheers, Mike

---------- Post added at 09:12 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:48 AM ----------

I am SOOOO freakin’ done crying over him. I have cried a literal RIVER for the last year over this man. And he does not even have the consideration to think about how it MIGHT make me FEEL to witness him sucking face with another woman while I’m performing a lead vocal?

I would NEVER treat someone that way.

He does not deserve another tear from me. I am DONE DONE DONE crying over him. I am not going to RISK MY HEALTH going on medications to stop crying over him. I am NOT shedding another TEAR over this.

He SCREWED UP with ME. He LOST ME. He did not realize my worth and guess what, it is HIS loss. I am worth a LOT and just because HE THREW ME AWAY, he did not take my worth with him. And there is NO turning back, this is a DONE DEAL.

I forgive HIM as he has to make his own way. He is NOT a bad person but he is NOT ALWAYS a very THOUGHTFUL person.

I forgive him and I release him. It is OVER and I am getting MY LIFE BACK.

---------- Post added at 09:39 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:12 AM ----------

I am SO done with feeling this way. I will NOT GIVE HIM ONE MORE tear. If I cry after this, it is not about HIM.

I want my life back, I take my life back, he never had my life...it was all a concoction of MY OWN MAKING. I made all this crap up in my head...and guess what. THAT STORY IS NO LONGER. I am getting rid of those negative tapes, those stories are old and frankly, THEY BORE ME.

I AM SO DONE, this is SO OVER. I am NOT GIVING HIM ANYMORE OF MY PRECIOUS TIME OR SPACE. He is a fine person, and he can live his life and more power to him. "m sure she is a lovely person, and hey, maybe I can even be her friend. I wish HIM THE BEST, and I wish her the best but I am NO LONGER LETTING HIM DRAG ME DOWN. I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS ANYMORE. I AM DONE.

It has just been CRAZY that I have let this go on so long. It is OVER. I am not, I repeat NOT shedding ONE MORE TEAR over this man. The well has run dry. There are bigger and better things in my future. He is in my past and I thank him for bringing me to this point where I am TODAY.

Wow, I do feel like I have turned a corner. I am done, he no longer has a grip on me. IT IS OVER.

thank you very much!!:msmile47:

[thatdoggirl]

Hmm.. so you have thought about leaving the group many times over the past year or so and you haven't because you feel your band members may by upset by you leaving? The other reason I'm sure is because you enjoy performing, the music, etc.

However, it seems like the major reason here is to kind of prove to him that you can keep on going no matter what and maybe to try and prove it to yourself along the way. I admire the strength of sticking to the band commitment but how long do you think you can take? Do you feel that you are really truly strong enough to be in this band with him there AND be able to heal and get to a place where you feel all the wonderful things about yourself that you have and not truly care about what he's busy doing?

It is okay to know if you are weak at something and it is okay to withdraw yourself from something if it does interfer with your health and healing processes. It's kind of like an alcoholic for an example... an alcoholic trying to quit could choose to continue going to the bar every day surrounded by beer and drinks and order stick to ordering a shirley temple but still... the beer is always there kind of calling to them or nagging at their mind. It surely is something to get to the point where you can walk into the bar and not want any beer... however, there is no shame in knowing that if you go into a bar you are going to be tempted so you stay away from the bars. Choosing to stay away from the bar is a strong decision too and it prevents there even being a position in which you can fall.

I just wanted to throw some of that out there to think about.

[rapunzel]

Originally Posted by thatdoggirl

Hmm.. so you have thought about leaving the group many times over the past year or so and you haven't because you feel your band members may by upset by you leaving? The other reason I'm sure is because you enjoy performing, the music, etc.

I have put 2.5 years into the group. I am replaceable, although it may take sometime for the band to find someone who plays keyboards AND sings. My leaving would greatly inconvenience the group's progress. I guess I do also fear "losing face" by leaving at this point, over one year since he broke up with me. They would probably all figure out why. Yes, it should not matter what they think but I want to be strong and not let him have that amount of control over my decisions.

Originally Posted by thatdoggirl

However, it seems like the major reason here is to kind of prove to him that you can keep on going no matter what and maybe to try and prove it to yourself along the way. I admire the strength of sticking to the band commitment but how long do you think you can take? Do you feel that you are really truly strong enough to be in this band with him there AND be able to heal and get to a place where you feel all the wonderful things about yourself that you have and not truly care about what he's busy doing?

Yes, I agree with this...but it's mostly to prove to myself that I cannot allow ONE person to hold this kind of power over me after all this time. The challenge is yes, to be strong enough to feel great about what I'm doing and not care about what he's doing, including kissing his new girlfriend in front of me at our shows. He has done this twice with two different women so it is clear that he has little regard for my feelings and will do whatever he wants. This behavior is helping throw in a few more bricks in the wall around my heart concerning him. And yes, I will admit that part of me wants to show him that he can't affect me like that. He knows that I was very hurt by what happened but it doesn't mean I have to give up something I've worked so hard at, that gets me great performing and social opportunities, just because he does not want to date me.

Originally Posted by thatdoggirl

It is okay to know if you are weak at something and it is okay to withdraw yourself from something if it does interfer with your health and healing processes. It's kind of like an alcoholic for an example... an alcoholic trying to quit could choose to continue going to the bar every day surrounded by beer and drinks and order stick to ordering a shirley temple but still... the beer is always there kind of calling to them or nagging at their mind. It surely is something to get to the point where you can walk into the bar and not want any beer... however, there is no shame in knowing that if you go into a bar you are going to be tempted so you stay away from the bars. Choosing to stay away from the bar is a strong decision too and it prevents there even being a position in which you can fall.

I understand this analogy. But the temptation of an alcoholic going into a bar is that he/she might actually break down and drink the forbidden drink. That is NOT going to happen. He is dating a new woman, and I am not foolish enough to entertain such ideas. Perhaps the more I see him with the new woman will harden my heart even more towards him. It may and probably will cause more pain but eventually it will bother me less and less. I am just going to assume the worst: he got what he wanted, a younger woman. They very well may fall in love, maybe even have a child and ride off into the sunset together. There is absolutely no reason for me to entertain any thoughts of he and I, it is clear that option is completely OFF the table.

Originally Posted by thatdoggirl

I just wanted to throw some of that out there to think about.

Thanks, I do appreciate it. But to throw in the towel after all this time, it just doesn't seem like a valid option. He's gone, baby, gone. And i'm DONE.

[thatdoggirl]

Okay.. yeah, my analogy wasn't meaning tempted to be with him. I meant it more as there is more of a chance for a shift of focus, like for example him kissing another girl in front of you. We all have different views on display of affection and I personally don't like watching people kiss in public but he may have different standards so putting that aside I and seeing things from his perspective if he wants to kiss a girl and you are there I'd think he might think enough time has passed and he likes this girl and he may be thinking why should he have to limit himself just because it might or might not upset you.

For example, I wouldn't go around kissing my boyfriend in front of my ex but if my ex was in a group or class of mine and my boyfriend was there too I'm not going to change my habit of sitting next to him, chatting with him, etc... all the things I normally do, just because I fear my ex might be upset to see us together if that was the case. I think with being friends with an ex there is some degree of care there were you won't want to hurt their feelings but putting all you feelings aside in order to making someone else happy isn't always the best choice for yourself. I don't know if that is selfish of him to care about himself when it comes to something like that or not but to me it doesn't seem that selfish considering that he feels different. Doesn't mean he has to rub it in anyone's face though... so maybe he doesn't realize he's making a scene in front of people.

If he does realize this and continues anyway.. then maybe he is selfish and doesn't care who he hurts but some people just are like that and there is nothing that can be done but to accept it and not let it get to you because you are better then that.

I understand you not quitting your band and I'm not telling you to. I'm glad you have made the best choices for you and it is a challenge. I applaud you for being strong and making it through all of this time. And who cares if he's happy with this girl or not... if he is, great for him.. if he isn't, oh well. He may very well be with her for age or whatever reason. But that doesn't mean anything about you. You are always wonderful at whatever age, whatever looks, whatever personality.. you are beautiful the way you are and just because one person can't see that doesn't mean other people don't.

[xxSPHYNXxx]

Rapunzel~

I have read through this thread and although you "want" to be strong and want to be "over" him, your actions are telling otherwise....As you said, it has been a year since the two of you have broke up. Although your feelings are still being "crushed" whenever your ex is showing affection to his new mate, I don't feel he is doing it deliberately. In his mind you two are over and he has moved on.

I do sympathize with you that it hurts you, none of us wants to see or know that another is "hurting". I understand your point of view in regards to being professional and you like to do what your doing and you also like "this" band. What I also understand too is by you staying with this band your continually getting hurt from the feelings you still harbor.

I too hope you take those days off and really think what is going to be best for "you"....

I wish you well~

xxSPHYNXxx

[rapunzel]

Originally Posted by xxSPHYNXxx

Rapunzel~

I have read through this thread and although you "want" to be strong and want to be "over" him, your actions are telling otherwise....As you said, it has been a year since the two of you have broke up. Although your feelings are still being "crushed" whenever your ex is showing affection to his new mate, I don't feel he is doing it deliberately. In his mind you two are over and he has moved on.

Well, I'm still fakin' it till I make it. I AM going to make it. I can't continue like this and I think seeing him with this new woman, as I said, has hardened me a bit more and I think I am really getting close to full acceptance of this reality. Yeah, it hurts but I think it's my ego now that hurts...ya know that "what's she got that I don't got" stuff that our egos throw at us. No, he is not doing it deliberately to hurt me. Yes, in his mind we are without a doubt OVER and yes, he has moved on. I don't think I'm much more than a very faint blip on his radar (and frankly, I don't I ever was anything much to him other than a brief fling) and he's just living his life, which is of course, his right. I, on the other hand, think I might be a bit more discreet in this situation, if the shoe were on the other foot.

Originally Posted by xxSPHYNXxx

I do sympathize with you that it hurts you, none of us wants to see or know that another is "hurting". I understand your point of view in regards to being professional and you like to do what your doing and you also like "this" band. What I also understand too is by you staying with this band your continually getting hurt from the feelings you still harbor.

I too hope you take those days off and really think what is going to be best for "you"....

Thank you for your sympathy. I guess I posted because I feel that I am turning the corner and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I have never had the ability of full No Contact due to this working situation. So the healing process has been dramatically extended. This is a special band and has led to some pretty amazing experiences for me, things that a lot of people dream of. To give that up because one man, one member of the group, doesn't want to date me....it just seems crazy. I recognize the futility of any further fantasy of a future with him. He is gone, and I am drained - there's nothing left but I still have MysELF and he can't take THAT away!

I wish you well~

xxSPHYNXxx[/QUOTE]


Thank you.

[ruby09]

Keep up the good work. One day, I promise you will not hurt. Show him and yourself what you are made of.