Trying NC, but hurting

[GetBack]

My ex dumped me six weeks ago after a 2-year relationship. We lived together for one year, I moved with her while she attended grad school in Ohio. We spoke of marriage, children, the whole nine. Things were going great. She said I was the greatest person she'd ever met, that I was the best thing that ever happened to her.

While away from home, I fell under a deep depression and was no longer myself. I was home sick and had trouble finding work. Without any friends or a full-time job to take my mind off things, I didn't have any outlet. She had school. I had my t.v. and my mind which went in a million different directions. I wasn't abusive, I didn't cheat, I didn't lie, but I did shut down a bit and just wasn't the real me. I explained my depression to her and we continued to do the little things that had become routine in our relationship (i.e. dinner every night together, cuddling up to a movie, etc.) I continued to be supportive of her and I did everything I could for her, I just lost myself.

We moved back home and had to move into our respective parents homes to save money. We agreed that things didn't feel the same, I explained that the honeymoon period was over and we were now comfortable and that wasn't good enough for her. I asked her what she wanted to do to renew the spark and she told me what she wanted. I did all the things she asked and we were doing great.

Then it happened. Out of nowhere, she ended the relationship. She said she wasn't in love anymore. Here's the timeline: Thursday night we spend the night cuddling, kissing and watching a movie. When I left her house, she kissed me and said "I love you VERY much." Then on Sunday, after a weekend out with her friends, she said she needs to find herself and be single. Monday, I called once and she didn't answer. Tuesday, I sent a text, no response. Wednesday, I decide to leave her alone. My mom, without my knowledge or permission, called her mom to find out what was going on. This led my girlfriend to text me and say it's over, leave it alone. I ask what happened, and she says she's not in love anymore.

Since then (6 weeks), I haven't called, sent texts, gifts, e-mails, facebook messages, nothing. I've been complete no contact. I have viewed her facebook profile to see how she's doing, but I haven't tried to reach her. She's still single and apparently really happy. That's all I know.

While there's been no contact, I have started to exercise (I run or take long walks everyday), I started a new full-time job, I have gone out with friends and laughed and danced and had a great time. I feel like the old me is coming back, but I still want her in my life. I have realized that I don't NEED her, but I WANT her. So, what now? She's 23-years-old and extremely beautiful. I don't expect her to stay single for long, then again I have no idea if she still has feelings for me or not. I'm no contact, but does it really work? I want her back. I know I deserve great things and I know I have to be happy and put myself first. I'm doing all of that, but I still yearn for her. Any suggestions?

[suzie q]

hey there.

i know it's tough and i'm really feeling for you.

the point that is emphasized in NC is to get yourself back. no one can guarantee that it will bring your ex back. you sound like you are doing a wonderful job with NC and you sound like you are really getting out there and not becoming a hermit to society. that is great!

my suggestion is that you keep at what you're doing...with no expectations. maybe she'll come back, maybe she won't. that's not the point. you need to focus on YOU. be a little selfish

i'd also suggest that you not look at her facebook. that could be something that is holding you back big time. my bf and i just broke things off this morning and the FIRST thing i did when i realized that it was just not good timing for us was delete my myspace. it would be way to painful for me to see other girls leaving him flirty comments or see pictures i don't wanna see. and what if he goes from "single" to "in a relationship?" my heart would break. i am trying hard to focus on myself and do what i need to do to really heal this pain.

i've been here for about 5 months now and it has allowed me to heal once before. my bf and i got back together and it didn't work, so now i'm using the support/advice to heal once again.

i'm sorry if this isn't the advice you wanted, but it's the best i can do.

[OhManINeedCoffee]

GetBack - Welcome! Sounds like you've been having a rough time of it, and I'm sorry. Honestly, this forum is a great place to be during times like this - I really don't know what I would've done without it.

You're doing great with the NC, but I agree with Suzie in that Facebook might be a bit of hindrance for your own progress. I'm glad you're feeling like yourself again. I would definitely recommend you keep hanging out with your friends as much as you can. As for suggestions, I think time is going to be your best healer, which is never good advice, I know. You're doing the best thing you can right now - putting yourself first and getting yourself back. You learned a lot in this relationship - hang onto it. And even though it'll hurt to do so for awhile, remember the good stuff too.

[Mojodown71]

Stay strong Getback you are doing exactly the right things maybe drop the facebook though...It's tough man and feel for you and know what you're going thru.This is a journey where you will find stuff about YOU.This is the place to be to stay strong and N/C is definately the way to go after what she has said to you.You have set the groundwork for you to heal and as you said to be the MAN before you met her.

Work on your internal stuff as well mate and STAY STRONG!!!!

Steve

[thatdoggirl]

Getback, welcome to the forum. Glad that you found us. You've been doing great with NC. I agree with the others about not checking her facebook. I know when my bf and I were broken up for a short time if I checked facebook and saw anything of his it would just make me think of him a little bit more and then I ended up having a dream one night about him meeting someone knew and there being a picture of them together on facebook. Luckily it was only a dream and we ended up getting back together later on but the point is that you should try your best to focus just on you. If she comes back into your life you can decide what to do then but right now you are doing find respecting her wishes.

[snoops]

may i ask doggirl, how long were you and your bf split up for? just curious as you seem to be doing ok.

[thatdoggirl]

I did 32 days of NC. I'll admit that I broke it... I was the one to text. Lately we've had a few problems and I am not really sure what's going on right now because of it. We got back together to quickly... actually the same day I broke NC we talked a lot and ended up back together. So that wasn't really the best thing but over the past couple months the good part is that we've been more open with each other then ever and we've worked together more as a couple should.

I don't really suggest breaking NC when you aren't ready because I don't think I was ready when I did break it but I tried to convince myself that I was. But in the end, whatever decision you make is your decision. You live and you learn.

[Silverstar]

When we brake up, and I'm talking about the one that got left, we are having much more trouble with the feeling of emptyness, and lonelyness than the person that left us. The person that leaves has often secretly been preparing themselves for sometime allready and when they actualy leave it is because they want to, have been thinking about it for some time. and made their decision. The one that gets left, had that decision made for them and just has to accept but often we don't want to do that because it wasn't our decision and we each have our own reasons why we still want to be with that person.

That is why everybody that gets left has such a hard time after the brake up.
You feel the emptyness and the lonelyness and you want that person to come back and fill it. But no matter how much we love someone, we can't force them to love us.

She told you the truth and her actions show it too. Be glad that she is not using you or leading you on. Knowing you would do anything to get her back she could easaly have used you.
You have to focus on your future now and your doing a great job so far. Your'e still young, no kids. Give it time. Your heart needs to heal first. You will find love again. Learn from your mistakes and be strong keeping the NC. You will be ok and we are here for you as long as you are not.

[xxSPHYNXxx]

GetBack,

Again, welcome to this wonderful forum!

Break ups as we all know are very hard.. regardless if we are the dumpee or the dumper.

In reading your post, I know that you loved your girlfriend. What I also see is at some point her feelings changed whether she grew in a different direction, or as she stated she fell out of love with you. That is hard to accept, and as any loving partner would do, you tried to work it out. "She" has asked you to let it alone"...what I feel is she has moved on. I do understand that you want her in your life but we can't make the one we love, love us back, no matter how hard we try or how badly we want it. A question we all ask ourselves "Why do we want someone that doesn't want us?"....WE DONT...

NC is designed to help us get "us" back. Something we ALL need and it helps us to get our hearts back in sync with our head. You are doing the right thing, you are doing things that you enjoy and getting back to YOU...BRAVO!

Just keep in thought "you" can do this...and "you" will!

xxSPHYNXxx