major blow out.

[suzie q]

as you all know, i've been in a really strange mood and just generally insecure, irrational, and sad.

my insecurities have caused me to ask my bf if he has cheated on me. more than once. i have no reason to believe that he is cheating, i've looked fore reasons to believe he's cheating on me.

i apologized to him for it and i told him i don't know where all this is coming from exactly and he basically told me to just stop doing it because it's starting really piss him off being accused of things.

my dog is in heat, so she's staying at my bf's house because there are male dogs where i live. she ran out of "pads" and my bf doesn't feel comfortable going to get them from the store, so i was going to go out there last night after work, but had no intention of staying the night. he called me after work and said "you don't have to come all the way out here just for that, i'll figure something out." to which i responded "so you don't want me to come?" he said "that's not what i said" and was very obviously frustrated. then he just said "i'll see you later, bye" and i hung up. i didn't say bye, but i felt he said bye in a rude way, so i was just done.

he then called back and screamed, "if you're gonna act like that, you can come out here and get your dog. i'm not putting up with that sh**." and he hung up.

i know i shouldn't have hung up, but i didn't really see it as me hanging up on him. but he did. i feel like i'm ruining my relationship, but i don't totally blame myself. i feel like he should be more understanding because i've tried to tell him i don't know why i'm feeling this way and that i'm insecure.

basically, we haven't spoken since. that was early evening last night. i don't know what to do at this point. we've been through a lot together and i don't want to break up, but i am definitely tired of crying and i feel like i'm just pushing him over the edge.

[thirdeyevest]

Ok you are doing the same things I did to ruin my relationship. If you do not change your ways one of these times when you hang up on him could be the last. Try and leave well enough alone for once. If you constantly turn little things into something it is not, he will get to the point where he wont be able to take it anymore. If he has not given you a reason to think he is cheating on you,then leave it at that. What you are doing is basically saying "I dont trust you"...I have been there and done the same things. All you are doing is pushig him away. Take a step back and think about how upset you would be if he were doing the same thing to you. You would not like it a bit. Try and let yourself be happy, accept the fact that he wants to be with you. If he didn't he would just leave, and he has not done that. So please leave well enough alone.

[suzie q]

thanks so much thirdeye.

i know i am in the wrong, i just need to learn to fix it. i decided to call and apologize after i wrote this and he told me okay, but that he was still mad about it. again, i did what i shouldn't and asked if he wanted to break up. he got mad and said that i always do that when we fight. i didn't realize how much i did it. he told me relationships are based on trust and if i don't trust him, then we don't have a real relationship. he said he feels like he can't do anything right with me.

he said he'd talk to me later and said bye. and i don't feel good about it at all. i am acting so childish, but it's like i can't stop. i explained to him that i think i'm still hurt by our break up. he told me that he never broke up with me because he had feelings for his ex (which is what i thought and why i came to lovelogic), he said he thought that would be easier to say than just breaking up with me because he didn't feel like being with me. so, i feel like everything i've felt has been just a lie. i have trouble trusting because i think he could at any moment break up with me again for someone.

obviously our communication is not getting better like i thought. i'll just wait until he's ready to call and talk at this point. i don't want to lose him. and i don't know how to change my irrational behavior.

[thirdeyevest]

The thing you need to grasp which I didn't is to not hold on to the past. People make mistakes just as your ex did. You guys are back together now, so try and put your guard down. I also pulled the "do you want to break up?" card everytime we fought...The last time I said it was in fact the last time. I have said this many times, if you push a dog in a corner far enough he will do whatever it take to get out. That in a sense i what is going on. The trust issues, the questioning is pushing him into that corner.

The way you cange your behavior is simple...Choose to change it! Let yourself see things for what they really are. Let yourself be happy with him, accept the fact that he loves you.

I think at this point words are useless, you have to show him that you trust him. He is in that corner and you have two options. Push him further into it, or in time let him come out on his own.

[maximus]

One more thing I noticed from your post is that the communication you have between you two is not that of a loving couple....try to get yourself in a calm state and breath a little before going into a rant before you call him.....somehow the way you two communicate doesnt sound good to me and doesnt bode well for the future of the relationship...yes you need to fix your insecurities and one of the ways of doing that is by communicating in the right way, not loosing your cool and actually listening to what your bf is saying....you will soon know if the one that is out of line is him or you.

[suzie q]

thanks for the insight, maximus.

i don't, however, raise my voice or go off on him. it's always comments like, "are you being honest with me" and i remain very calm. he has a terrible temper. so though my comment may start an argument, he is the one with the raised voice. i tend to just cry. which is annoying, too. i don't take yelling well, so that's something i've learned not to do to others. obviously, i have a lot left to learn!

[SuperDave71]

Suzie,

Hey there. I am sorry for your blow out but I must agree with thrid on this one. Your insecurities are your own..not his. By pushing your own fear onto your partner you are causing not only trust issues but tolerance issues. I dated a girl that was constantly negative. She was sick all the time and slept for hours on end and then blamed everyone else for her problems. It wasn't HER fault, it was the worlds.

YEAH RIGHT!

One thing men can't stand is nagging ESPECIALLY when it is NOT justified. I can see your partner's frustration. If he never gave you a reason he cheated, this is one of your biggest fears coming out verbally at him. The truth be told that you are push him away with your insecurities.

The way you are getting his attention is, plain and simple, is by projecting your fear on him. I know you love your partner. We all do but listen to what you are writing. Put yourself in HIS shoes for a few. I am not BLAMING you by any means but merely asking you to see it from HIS point of very.

The converstaion I read was that he didn't want to trouble you which in my book, is a loving act. How did you respond? So you don't wanna see me? Now, if I read this right you ASSUMED he didn't want to see you because of your fears not the topic of the conversation which was the dog. Make sense? By your response he was hurt that you turned the conversation around when he was only trying to be helpful and supportive with your dog.

Suddenly it is about you and then you took your frustration out on him. He in turn got upset with you because you did not see his act of kindness as loving whatsoever. He may feel confused why he even has the dog as per the conversation.

Let me ask you this, does your boyfreind maybe think he loving you so much yet that despite all the loving things he does, only gets blamed for cheating and not wanting to see you etc etc. If so...you need to seriously re-evaluate your role in the relationship. To be unappreciated and not trusted are two MAJOR killers in relationships.

Be careful out there. Take some time to cool off and make a list of those things you hope to work on.


Your Friend,


SuperDave71

[suzie q]

thanks superdave.

this is so strange that i'm acting this way. i have never been a negative person and i have noticed that all i want to do is sleep when i get home. i don't work out or read, i just want to sleep.

i feel intense guilt right now. since he and i have been together, i have been creating all these problems in my head and putting the fault on him. he is a really great man. though i think he has things to work on, i definitely see that i have been the main source of our arguments--especially lately. i just feel terrible.

i do love him and i do appreciate him. i thought that i showed that a lot, but my negative comments have become much more frequent.

thanks, guys. i just hope i haven't already pushed him away.

[SuperDave71]

Suzie,

We love you. I would let some time pass and then sit him down and tell him. Let it all out. Don't blame yourself, it happened. Don't just tell him you appreciate him, show him. You can do it. You will be surpised how a little tenderness and appreciation goes a long, long way.



Your Friend,


SuperDave71

[suzie q]

i've already called him to let him know i realized what i did. he ignored the call, probably because he's working, so i left a message. my initial reaction is to call again or send a message--i know that will just annoy him.

i really think i've officially hit crazy mode. i'm really worried right now and i feel really sick.