What is a 'break' anyway??

[Frangipani]

What is a break anyway?

Is it so you can feel less guilty about being alone? It is so you can have you cake and eat it too? Why would someone who tells you they love you wan't to have a 'break'?

My boyfriend of 9 months has just done this. Right at Xmas time, so all my plans have gone to pot. I was having Xmas with his family as none of mine live here. Now I am spending Xmas Eve and day alone. The tears are flowing as write this.

I have had several bad relationships that have left me feeling very alone and unwanted. When I met Scott...he was everything I had ever wanted in a man. Kind, funny, intelligent, loving, was mad about me - always wanting to be by my side. Hell, he even took up swing dancing so he could dance with me! A normal person, who knew what he wanted.

He has 3 kids whom I have grown to love and he allowed me to be a big part of their lives. Always telling me loved me several times a day, spending time with me, talking, communicating and loving one another. Then a problem began...an anxiety problem that grew and grew to the point where now...alothough he says he loves me and wants me...he can't see me any situation that would lead us to be intimate.

Over the last 2 months it has gone from less kissing, to no staying over, to no sex, to no touching and now...to a break until he sorts out whatever it is. He still calls about 3 times a day...but we wont see me.

I don't know what to do. We love one another so much and being apart feels so wrong. I have been trying to back off but he still wants to chat. I have supported him through this and through all issues relating to his kids, his ex etc. I feel that he is making it more real than it needs to be. He has convinced himself that it is real, instead of pushing it away and refusing to let it run his thinking.

I have no idea what to do. If he didn't want me it would be easy - I just thought I'd finally found the man of my dreams. And now a sexual anxiety problem has torn us apart.

I don't know how a break works or even what it is supposed to achieve.

[SuperDave71]

Good morning Frang,

I can feel your frustration when I read your thread. I can also sense the pain your feeling not only for you but for the man you love. Sometimes, no matter how good something is, we need to take a break to allow us to see how much we either appreciate or not appreciate the very thing we are taking a break from.

What is a break? A break in this situation allows both parties to not feel the underlying pressure of being a couple.

For example:

1.) The routine of calling, seeing or doing things together on a regular consistant basis.

2.) Allows both parties to reevaluate the relationship from a NON couple point of view.

3.) Creating a little distance CAN make the heart grow fonder.

4.) Allows both parties to think about what it is they really want from either one another or individually.



Frang, sometimes breaks are becuase the person DOES love you rather than doesn't love you. My guess is that he is feeling tremendous guilt for not being able to give you the very thing that is tearing you both apart. To give a relationship a break, in this case, allows your mate to NOT feel the pressure either created by himself, by you or both parties involved. I know it hurts but it also should allow you to see openly how much the intimacy means to the relationship. If you love him as much as you say you do and he loves you just the same...you will figure it out together.

To love someone means to see things through their eyes and not just yours. I am sorry he is going thru such a struggle and I am most sorry you feel the way you do but this too shall pass. If two people love one another...nothing can tear them apart.

I guess the way I see it is can you love hiim just as much without the intimacy right now or is it going to be the thing that not only separates you both...but tears you apart.


Think about it and know that we love you Frang. You are not alone.


Your Friend,


SuperDave71

[thatdoggirl]

Personally, I don't get breaks either and I myself would probably never agree to a break in the future just because when I was on a break with my bf for 2 weeks prior to the time that we broke up that hurt me a lot more then the actual break up because when the actual break up happen I wasn't left wondering "Are we going to stay together and work this out or is he just trying to not hurt my feelings?". It was a confusing time for me.

Anyway, if he wants a break and you want a break to usually both people set up the rules for a break. Sometimes people set up a deadline type of thing where they have a day in the future set to where they can sit down and talk about it. I figure you probably knew all that already. But if him talking to you everyday still isn't helping the situation it's probably best to include taking time for NC during the break because basically what a break translates to me besides extended length to wait until break up... is that they want space. No better way to give someone space then NC.

When I was on my break I was still living with my bf at the time and we'd still talk but it would either be arguing about the relationship and leaving me more confused... or it would be talking about anything but that. It was terrible for me and so much harder then going NC and getting myself together. You know?

[Frangipani]

Thanks Dave, I had a tear in my eye when i read this as it's been a very lonely Xmas eve and morning for me. It does make sense.

Frang, sometimes breaks are becuase the person DOES love you rather than doesn't love you.

I agree with this. He DOES love me.

My guess is that he is feeling tremendous guilt for not being able to give you the very thing that is tearing you both apart. To give a relationship a break, in this case, allows your mate to NOT feel the pressure either created by himself, by you or both parties involved. I know it hurts but it also should allow you to see openly how much the intimacy means to the relationship. If you love him as much as you say you do and he loves you just the same...you will figure it out together.

The lack of intimacy is something I can deal with and have done for months. I have told him that there is no pressure to be intimate while he is trying to work things out many, many times. He is the one who has stated that our sex life is unsatisfactory because of his issues. I have offered my love and support.

To love someone means to see things through their eyes and not just yours. I am sorry he is going thru such a struggle and I am most sorry you feel the way you do but this too shall pass. If two people love one another...nothing can tear them apart.

I believe I do see things through his eyes because I have been there since it began happening months ago, supported him, been kind, caring and never thought it was something to break up over - not when you have love and compatibility. HIS anxiety and fear of intimacy is tearing us apart - in HIS mind. I have been nothing but supportive but I feel he sees that it will be hard to solve his problem. I encouraged him to have counselling but he gave that up because she offered no advice for us to use at home, so he is having hypnotherapy on Jan 13. I hope in my heart it works.

I guess the way I see it is can you love hiim just as much without the intimacy right now or is it going to be the thing that not only separates you both...but tears you apart.

I have loved and could continue to love him without the intimacy. He talked to his ex about us tonight (which hurt a bit because they NEVER talk about us) and she said, 'she understood how hard it must be for him seeing as they had sex almost every day for 15 years' ...we have never had that his problem is something that has happened since their breakup 3 years ago. I can live without it for now though.

I guess...I feel that I am doing everything I can. It hurt to be told that our sex life was 'totally unsatisfactory' to him (because of his anxiety) and that touching me - even in a hug - feels 'weird' now. He calls every day, tells me he loves me, tells me I'm sexy and that he desires me.

Do you think I should not talk either? And not see him at all for while? He dropped in the other day and wants to see a movie on boxing day during the 'day' because it's safe then and he doesn't feel uncomfortable. I'm SO confused about how to go about this break. I don't want to say 'i cant see you during the break' in case it hurts our chance of working it out. But I also don't want him to think he can just see me when he feels like it on his terms...which is kind of how it seems.

Any advice?

[SuperDave71]

Originally Posted by Frangipani

I'm SO confused about how to go about this break. I don't want to say 'i cant see you during the break' in case it hurts our chance of working it out. But I also don't want him to think he can just see me when he feels like it on his terms...which is kind of how it seems.

I completely understand and I agree with you 100%. He can't just assume that you are ok with him coming in and out of your life like that especially during a break.

Sometimes when someone says "we need to take a break", they don't assume the other party will walk away or even have second thoughts on ending the break and getting back together.

The breaker mostly assume the person they break from will wait. This is NOT always the case. When breaks occur, you can't just assume both parties follow the same rules or guidelines. If guidelines were not establish when the break was initiated, they need to be put into play so this doesn't continue to make you feel the way you do.

What I suggest is you contact him and set some agreed upon guidelines so that both of you are perfectly clear with what the guidelines are.


For instance:

1.) We can't assume nor act like we are a couple during a break because it could put false hope in both parties.

2.) We need to use this time to figure out what it is we need to do about our relationship. Do we want to make this work or should we just walk away.

3.) We do not date nor see others during OUR break...


etc etc.... the above are just simple ideas.

You call the shots. You can be just as loving with creating guidelines than you could if you were together.


You can do this. I am here if you need me.



Your Friend,



SuperDave71

[Frangipani]

Thanks Dave.

1) is kinda in use although we do call each other sweetie and tell one another we love each other but we aren't doing things as a couple. if we go to the movies he has said it has to be in friend mode (pretty hard when you love someone)

2) the break came about because he had been feeling upset te anxiety was getting worse for over 4 months. he said he would have 'ended it long ago if he didn't love me and think it was worth trying', but the trying 'together' just got too much - thus this break now. I know I want to be with him, we have discussed this. it's he who needs to work out his problem with counselling or hypno. we have tried without these things but it isn't enough to get to the root of the problem and kill it. So yes, we want to try...how is difficult.

3) not dating others was already agreed on and neither want to anyway

I think maybe, the best thing to do in regard to the avoiding seeing him for a bit, (because yes, it hurts just being his friend) is to just make myself less available, rather than saying, 'no, i don't want to see you.' Just be busy or say i am and that we will catch up another day. So hard because I WANT to see him!!

If he broke it off I would do NC, that is so much easier than this

[Silverstar]

Frangi, talk about bad timing... I'm so sorry this has happened to you right before Christmas.

It looks to me that he does love you very much but doesn't feel worthy of you, because he can't give you what he thinks a woman in a relationship needs. It doesn't matter if you tell him "it's alright, we don't have to be intimate" He doesnt believe that you would want a man that can't "preform". Whenever you are together he feels the pressure that you might be needing the very thing he can't give you and makes his anxiety even worse. It makes him feel worthless as a man. Any form of touching or closeness between you will trigger this stress. That's why he wants to talk to you on the phone but not come over.
He does seem like a man who thinks a woman needs sex everyday to be satisfied since he had sex with his ex wife everyday for 15 years. When you first started dating he probably had no problem satisfying you but after the honeymoon period it became harder and harder for him and it was probably so much work for him in the end that he focused to much on it and caused it to get worse.

I know what his problem is, but I have no solution for it.
Maybe someone else on the board? The guys maybe?

[Frangipani]

Thanks Silverstar.

He has a high sex drive, that's why they had a a lot of sex with his previous partner, but since his breakup with her 3 years ago something happened to him he says. Stress, depression all took their toll I guess. He had one short fling before me...which he says was the same....couldn't 'finish'.

It has kind of been that way since we met...was difficult in the beginning too, even though he wanted to be with me intimately a lot. But yes...the less times he was able to 'come' (it's not about erections here) the more the anxiety built...to where it is now. But we were so compatible and fell in love and I wasn't going to walk away just because of that, and nor was he i guess.

He has told me that it isn't about about satisfying me as he knows he can do that regardless. He says, "I get stressed and upset because I can't satisfy MYSELF and let go with you." He has called the break because he is unhappy with our sex life and with the stress. And is upset because he knows how he USED to be.

Definatley something mental that can be changed with time. But it's now that is hard. There is no answer in the meantime. Staying apart for a long break...he may miss me, sure, but how is 'love' going solve this I just don't know.

[Silverstar]

Frangie- Thanks for explaining, because I understood wrong. His problem is indeed mental; something he is struggling with and it has nothing to do with you. I still see that he loves you. He just feels more comfortable talking to you on the phone because that means it's save... he will not feel any pressure that it will mount into sex.

I hope the hypnotherapy will help. Meanwhile you should give him the space he asks for, but I'm not sure if NC is necessary in your case. I think it will only make his problem worse if you do that. When he calls it is also a chance for you to talk everything out. Don't focus to much on his problem, just have relaxed conversations about everything.

I hope everything works out for you two. Don't give up hope yet.