Scared about seeing him

[myfavoriteword]

My ex and i have a LOT of mutual friends. Actually, both of our groups of friends have sort of intertwined over the last year so we all hang out together. I am so scared to see him over winter break. I really don't want to. I mean I do, obviously I want to see him and have our eyes lock and him realize that this separation is stupid. Highly unrealistic.

Moving on, what am I supposed to do in these situations?
I'm really close with his best friend and I asked him to let me know if my ex is going away over winter break because he had previously told me he was going away. If he went away, I'd feel free to do whatever I wanted and go where I wanted without the fear of seeing him. But if he doesn't go away, I don't know what to do. I don't think there could be anything worse than seeing him and having us both act like we are nothing to each other. It would hurt so much and stop all of the progress I think I'm making.

And as much as I hate it, I am still seeing this time apart as a break, rather than a break up... I see it as a break for him to understand that life without me sucks. I am trying to let go of that but it's hard.. Either way, if we see each other, it will probably serve as further proof that he still feels that we shouldn't be together, that he's happy with his decision. I'm not ready to face that.

So, should I just avoid situations where I know I'll see him and just not hang out with my friends when they're around him and his friends? I know that this would show that "I'm not strong enough to be around him.." or something but maybe it's better for me to just stay away than try to prove something to him?

[suzie q]

my ex and i also have very close friends that are mutual. he is also friends with my twin and i am friends with his younger sister. it is probably going to make things strange for a little while, but it's to be expected.

personally, i choose to not be around somewhere if i think he'll be there. i am not strong enough to see him right now, but he doesn't have to know that's why i'm not around. for all he knows, i'm just out doing something with someone else. he doesn't have to know that's why you choose not to be around.

maybe it's not over for good, but i think it's so important that you try your hardest to accept that it's over right now. it's impossible to move on if you always think that it's temporary. you'll always be focusing on the reunion of the two of you and never on yourself. this is about being the best person you can be. if you don't make changes as well as him, the relationship won't work even if you do get back together.

i am struggling with this, too. please don't think you're alone in that. i have realized that the best thing i can do to heal and make myself whole again is accept that he and i may never get back together. it hurts like heck! BUT, i don't want to delay my healing by hoping he comes back just to realize months or years from now that he's moved on with someone else and here i am just waiting for him. broken. again.

[myfavoriteword]

you are so right. like i keep saying in all of my replies.. I am really going to try. its so hard though! saying it is so much harder than doing it. i don't know if i can force myself to let go just yet though. for the time being, at least, i feel like it's something that i have to let happen. tomorrow will be one month. i KNOW that i can be okay without him but i can't accept that i have to be. this is something i think will come to me some day, probably a lot sooner than it did last time. in the end, i know that i will be better off than him. i am deserving of someone who appreciates everything i can give them but it's hard to fully accept that it can never be the person you want it to be. I will keep telling myself it's time to move on though..and maybe i will soon believe it.

[Tiggerinlondon]

I knew you two would see a part of one another in each other. I'm glad to see you are chatting, you're helping each other, it's like groupwork!

[Dan72]

It is hard hon, seriously hard. I can honestly say I don't think I've been through a harder time in my life. My Father passed away very suddenly 10 years ago but I don't remember it hurting as much as this. But you know what? You have to do whatever you need to so that you can heal, and that involves going out of your way NOT to see him if that's what it takes. You'll only prevent yourself from moving forward.

Our hearts are yearning to see our ex's but our hearts are broken so they aren't talking sense right now.

Be strong sweets, we're all here for you,

[suzie q]

tigger knows best! haha.

favoriteword: moving on is waaaaaaaaaaay easier said than done. i don't expect you to just move on, though. i just want to help you change your focus. when i first started on this forum, i got so sick of hearing everyone telling me where my focus shoudl be--focus on you, blah blah blah (sorry guys, but i was). BUT, now i realize the wonders it can do to focus on myself in this moment.

all we have is right now, you know? let's try our hardest to be happy right now. some moments will be totally painful, and that's okay. every painful moment is one step closer to acceptance and closure.

if he does come back, you'd want him to come back not only because he realizes how much he misses you in his life, but because something in him has changed. there is some reason why the relationship didn't work and hasn't worked yet and if nothing ever changes, the relationship will never work in the future.

my ex and i got back together prematurely. he basically said he missed me and that was all i needed to hear. i didn't take it slowly, i just jumped back into it without observing whether or not he and i had made the necessary changes. and we hadn't. right now, he and i are not compatible. for whatever reason, we are unable to give each other what the other needs. i have more love for him than i can put into words, but i know if we were together, we'd both be unhappy because something just wasn't right.

maybe he and i will reconcile in the future, but that's not important. what is important is that i don't allow my life to be wasted. it's important that i learn the lesson from our failed relationship. it's important that i love myself and him enough to let him go. that whole "if you let him go and he comes back, he's yours" thing is no joke. but you have to really let him go. i never really let my ex go the last time. i found reasons every few weeks to talk to him and i never focused totally on me.

all we want is for you to be happy and we're here for you through whatever.

[myfavoriteword]

umm...can I please first say that I am in love with you all?
Haha. But I am.

I feel the same way about the "putting focus on you" thing. Not only because I hear it so many times but I just don't know how! Yet. I have spent so much of my time focusing on someone else and attributing my happiness to them that I don't know how to be satisfied from my own doings. Either way Suzie we are totally in the same boat and I actually responded to you in the No Contact Challenge post about 30 seconds ago on that topic..

He doesn't deserve the love I have to give to him. I just wish he did. This forum kind of shows me though, that there are people who can appreciate you so much more than the people you know better. Does that make sense?

Dan - you're so right. My heart is so blind right now it will take anything, so I know the best thing to do is stay far faaaaaar away. I'm so sorry about your dad. But that sounds exactly like what Dave said in one of his posts about how breakups are in some way scarier than death, because death is so final. With this one, it's all about will power because we do have the option to see them, we just have to fight it. I was actually thinking about your situation earlier. You were in the relationship for 4 months right? I was in my relationship for 2 years and although I am 100% devastated over it, I feel like those 2 years gave me enough time and insight to see all the flaws in my ex. He started to really bug me and I actually got kind of sick of him a lot of the time.

I'm thinking that 4 months may not have been enough time for you to be able to see the imperfections in your ex - it must have been a whilrwind 4 months but you were still discovering her and amazed by her. This may not be a consolation but if you do still see her as the picture of perfection, I hope you soon realize that that's not the case and slowly allow yourself to realize these things.

If this came off as me saying that 4 months doesn't merit a grieving period just like any relationship, I meant that in no way. I'm just saying that I feel like it must be so tough because you had yet to find a lot of flaws.. But you would have eventually. (But again, focus on yourself, etc.. I am trying this too but much easier said than does as is usually the case) Either way, we will all heallllll. YESSSSSSS!

[suzie q]

hahahah! great post! i love it.

i know i'm learning to not lower the bar to make it easier to jump. i'm actually highering it because i want a man who proves he's willing to do what it takes. even if it means sleeping alone for the next few years.

if we love these guys/girls so much, imagine how much we'll love the next one. even better, imagine how much they'll love us back. for once, i don't want to try to save someone, i want someone who is on my level and just as madly in love with me as i am with him.

[myfavoriteword]

very very true. i am just trying to let go of the hope that my ex will try to jump over the bar. but if not, then i cannot wait to be in love with someone who loves me just as much and lets me know it all the time. it's going to be aweeeeeeeeesomeee!

[GetBack]

I agree 100% that letting go is crucial and I agree 100% that letting go is hard as hell. I have been no contact for 8 weeks and there's days I think I might crack, but I haven't. I haven't fully let go. I'm still wondering if she's going to come back into my life. I hate the thought of us being apart, but at least I know what I want and not what I need (if that makes sense). Here's a note I made for myself today in trying to let go:

"She ended it, not you. She wasn't happy and you want her to be happy, so respect her decision. She needs to want you and want to work on the relationship in order for you to get back together. You are giving her what she wants. Love is selfless. You are loving her by respecting her wishes. You love her and you want her back. Have faith and patience. If it's meant to be, she'll come back to you. If not, make the most out of your life."

Obviously, you can tell I'm still conflicted and still struggling, but the last sentence really hit home with me. No one is stopping me from being an incredible version of me but myself. It's okay to think of your ex. It's okay to ask "what if?" We all do. Just don't let it take over all your thoughts. The less you think about it, the more you heal.