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Thread: Sigh...

  1. #1

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    Default Sigh...

    So I figured I'd give everyone an update and what better time than now. I guess this post is also just to relieve myself of some thoughts/feelings as well.

    As most of you know everything between us was going well for the most part. Over the past few weeks we have become a lot closer to each other, but is seems like all of that came to a screeching halt last night. I guess Shea has had mild postpartum depression for a while now and to be honest I kind of noticed it myself as she has been very moody. While I was over there last night her mother decided to have a talk w/ her (about what I don't really know, us I'm assuming). She said she noticed how we were becoming increasingly closer to each other and basically said she didn't want Shea to make any decisions she would regret later on.

    Me and Shea have already talked about this, I've even told her that if we never try again I'll be ok, I've already gone through hell as it is. It took a long time to get there but I'm over our relationship as it was, although I am not over her. I've also told her to focus on herself and Emileigh and not to worry about me or my problems. She has all the time in the world to decide whether she wants to try and make this work or not. I've also told her that if we did try that it would be a very gradual thing. We've both made changes to ourselves but I don't think enough time has gone by to make any big decisions or to just jump back in and end up right back where we were a year ago. I'll admit that we are not "together" but we have been intimate which I think was a mistake.

    Today when I went over there it felt like we were right back where we started on day 1, it was uncomfortable and awkward. We walked through the neighborhood for about 45 min w/ Emileigh then I guess she didn't feel comfortable so we headed back to her house and I left. It just feels like since that conversation her mother had with her (I also had one with her mom one-on-one after) everything has just taken a turn for the worst. I told her mom pretty much everything I just said above.

    I'm going to just be honest and say that my life has no direction. I know I probably SHOULD try a school or career path that might work for me....but I don't think having a college degree/great job will just magically solve all of my problems either although I know it would probably help. I just don't know where I'm going or how to get there... I felt very distanced from her and Emileigh today, I'm falling back into depression and I don't know what to do. She's said she wants to be w/ me in the future but I know in the state I'm in now I can't promise her and Emileigh the good life they deserve...maybe I'm just insecure? I feel like a failure in so many ways and I want to fix it all but I just don't know how to. Maybe I just need to be more patient with the whole situation, including what's going on in my life. I'm probably going to seek some help next week and get on medication if possible....I'm tired of constantly going up and down.

    Thank you all for reading this, I know I promised you more pics so I'll try to get some up soon.

  2. #2
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    I wish I had some really great advice for you, but I'm coming up a little short today. But I've been thinking about your post since last night and wanted to respond.

    I think what you've told both Shea and her mom are the absolute best things you could have told them. You were honest, and at the same time gracious, mature, and incredibly considerate.

    It sounds kind of like (and please correct me if I'm wrong) you're having a "panic" time, in which the whole reality and impact of becoming a new father, rebuilding a foundation with Shea and her family, and at the same time trying to get your own life in order may be starting to overwhelm you. This is not "small stuff" that has happened to you in the past month - these are all incredibly huge life changes, and often when we go through such life-altering things, we start to feel smaller in comparison, and wonder if we're really equipped to do it all justice. I get like that every time something huge happens in my life, at least.

    I know you're feeling like your life has no direction, and that this is a failing of some sort, but also remember that VERY few people have a set path of focus at 21, and even at 30. Age 21 is when we're typically trying to figure all that crap out - it's that "figuring out who you are and what you want out of life" period of time. I'd argue that that period of time doesn't really stop at any point, either.

    College/great job won't magically solve those problems, you're right. It can help you figure out what exactly it is you want and where you want to go, but it won't magically make your life fall in order. When you're sinking back into depression, it's easy to only notice the negative things - those things that hold you back or that make you seem inadequate. Which is why I'd like to also point out to you that the fact that you have handled this entire situation with maturity, dignity, love and enthusiasm means that you are MORE than adequate to handle all of this, no matter what the outcome is. However, just like Shea and Emileigh, you also just need some time to figure things out. You have already established yourself as a solid and permanent presence in Emileigh's life, which is the MOST important thing at this point, and you did it selflessly. In years to come, you'll be able to see more clearly how much good you brought to her life just by doing that alone.

    I'm glad you're going to seek some help in dealing with all of this - I think it's a great idea. And please keep us updated on how things are going with you and with Shea and Emileigh (LOVE the new pics by the way ). The only REAL advice I can give is to just take your time, fix the things you CAN fix, and take some of that patience you're having for Shea and let yourself have some patience with you too. You need time just as much as she does.

    Take care, and I hope you're feeling a little better today.
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

  3. #3

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    Thank you Kelley...I think I just needed that validation. Sadly I've discovered that clinical depression is something that runs in my family on my mother's side. I have also been told that men too can suffer from postpartum depression (some of the things you described) which could explain some of these feelings. I just need to try and relax but the day-to-day mood swings aren't helping. Both of us are emotionally distraught, though I think I cope better than she does.

    The 4th will be a good night as I will spend it w/ her, Emileigh and one of her close friends. It will help me take my mind off of some things anyway, Emileigh always helps me to relax. I'm going to try to get an appointment for "psychological help" next week and maybe I can get on some medication to help regulate my mood better.

    I'm glad you enjoyed the pictures, I will try to get some new ones up, maybe some with mom, I'm just kind of picky about the ones I like enough to put up. Thanks again Kelley and anyone else who decides to reply to this.

  4. #4

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    Hey Daniel,
    Kelley said it perfectly, there isn't much I can add. It's just that you got your hopes up by your ex but suddenly it looks like she is not going through with it or has second thoughts and you fall in a deep pit. This is very normal, I know, because something similar is happening to me now and I feel the same way. But your situation is worse because you have a child together and that makes it much more difficult. Don't focus on clinical depression running in your family. You have a lot on your plate right now and even the most optimistic person would feel down in your situation. You have been handling it very well Daniel.

    It looks like you're still not really convinced if you should go through with school. Please do finish school. You are right, it will not magically solve your problems, but having a degree will make your life easier. It just opens more doors. Take it from me.

    Hey Daniel, you are not a failure at all!! You are quite the opposite. I have so much respect and admiration for you. You are my hero. I wish I was more like you at your age. You inspire me.

    Even if things don't work out with Shea, you will allways be the father of Emileigh and nobody can take that away from you. And she can be very proud to have you for a father.

    Try to set a few goals in your live, and work towards them. Make small goals but try to reach them. Maybe that will help you to find your way in life. I think it's a good idea to get counselling. Maybe the counsellor can help you sort out what to do with your life and how to get there.

    Cheer up Daniel we are all here for you. Take care my friend,
    Last edited by Tiggerinlondon; 07-05-2009 at 04:59 PM.

  5. #5

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    In the end... school and a job title doesn't define WHO YOU ARE. It's natural to worry about all that stuff. I've been in those little depression moments about where I'm headed in life too. When I get like that I try to remind myself of what is already in my life and to relax and be patient. There has been a lot of change recently and it can be overwhelming too take on too much at one time. Take it all one day at a time and be patient and just remind yourself of the simple little things in life that you are thankful for. You're not superman.. you're only human and that is a-okay!

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Silverstar View Post
    It's just that you got your hopes up by your ex but suddenly it looks like she is not going true with it or has second toughts and you fall in a deep pit.
    You're probably right about this, at least a little bit. I saw things getting better, and we've been talking a lot about reconciliation so I started to get myself worked up. At the same time though, I've told her as well as myself that if it never happens it just never happens and that I'll be ok if it doesn't. I already came so far in terms of getting "over" the breakup which seemed to take forever and I have no desire to be put back into that position.

    Quote Originally Posted by Silverstar View Post
    Don't focus on clinical depression running in your family.
    Sadly it does and I've been struggling with it since about age 14, same scenario then as now, although I didn't know I had it for a long time. It's like one minute I'm happy and the next minute (without any trigger) I just feel like dying, it's not something that can just be turned on and off like a light switch. In analyzing my behavior I would even say that because of the depression I've become mildly addicted to various pleasure inducing activities which I will not go into further detail on. Bottom line is I need help and I plan on getting it very soon.

    Quote Originally Posted by Silverstar View Post
    It looks like you're still not really convinced if you should go true with school. Please do finish school. You are right, it will not magically solve your problems, but having a degree will make your live easier. It just opens more doors. Take it from me.
    I understand this, I really do. But I don't feel that is where I should be right now. There's a reason I didn't attend my high school graduation, my goal at the time was to get the hell out of there, when I did I never went back. I don't think I was mentally or emotionally prepared for more school right after graduating. I know I need to further my education in some way, but as I've already said maybe traditional college is not the route to go for someone like myself. I have been doing some research on vocational and technical schools in the area but I have yet to find anything of interest.

    Shea's mother probably got her "thinking" about things she was better off not thinking about at the time. Being the emotional person she is, she breaks down when she is overwhelmed. Living at home is definitely not a part of the solution for either of us, it makes the whole situation more stressful than needed. Ideally, we want to try and get a small house together possibly at the end of this year/early next year. I've already told Shea not to worry about me right now, I want her to focus on her education. We do plan on getting back together, just not any time soon for the reason that both of us have things we need to get in order.

    Anyway, that's the situation as it is now. Thank you all for your replies.

  7. #7

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    Hi Daniel,

    I'm really sorry to hear you have had these mood swings and depressions from such a young age. I can't immagine what it must feel like to be happy one minute and feel like you want to die the next. I have no experience like that with depression. Ofcourse I have had bad and sad days, but I have always been able to shake things off pretty quickly.

    I've had a really great childhood, but my life was horrible when I got married to my ex. People always asked me how I could stand being treated that way and everybody admired my strength to go on. Still I was never depressed and I didn't understand why people thought I was so strong.

    The thing that always helps me is to count my blessings and to look for a possitive in every negative. I'm also someone who is easily satisfied. Don't need much to feel happy. f.i a bird singing a beautifull song, a nice sunset, a honest hug from a child,... just one of those things is enough to make me feel a lot better. It's not always easy and I'm not saying it solves all my problems right away but always makes me feel a lot better very quickly.

    I don't know much about your past but maybe things happened to you as a child that made you feel so easily depressed.
    But I'm happy you are getting help for it and that you have found a way to deal with it on your own too.

    Daniel, I'm verry happy that you are looking in to going further with school and ofcourse you don't have to go to college. Going to a vocational or technical school is just as good. Maybe even better.
    I wish you all the best in finding the right choise for you when you are ready, but don't give up on it.

    Daniel you have to understand something, Shea can't have her own voice right now. She is dependant on her parents and she is listening to her mom, because she doesn't have the luxuary to go against her. If she doesn't do as her mom says there will be consequenses and there is no better alternative (yet). I also think she is ok with her mom deciding things for her now, and she just chooses the way that is the easiest for her. You both still have some things to get in order before you can move further anyway.

    I think it's wonderful that you are planning to buy that house. You both get your education finished and maybe everything will fall into place after all. And even if it doesn't go the way you planned, I know you will be ok Daniel. You are much stronger and more mature than you think. You can do it. Do your best to achive your goals.


  8. #8
    suzie q

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    support support support!

    i am saddened to see you feeling this way and wish i would have been on sooner to at least encourage you.

    on the other hand, i am glad you've decided to seek help. depression is very real and it's not something that just dissappears.

    you are so strong! i confidently speak for everyone here when i say we are so proud of you. to hear you say that you feel like a failure is just beyond me because you have been anything but.

    please continue to update us!

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