I have a bad feeling...

**thatdoggirl** · 07-05-2009, 07:13 AM

Go figure after I write about how good things seemed to be going with my bf I get some surprises Saturday evening that might lead to something not so good. I'm kind of disappointed.. confused.

He's got this best friend of 10 years. The one that just recently had twins with his wife. His best friend has a fun personality, laid back, and he's cool to hang around but... he's a bad influence and my bf kind of falls into the trap of following whatever his best friend says when he's around him. I mean, when he's around him I've noticed that he'll agree to something his friend says and acts like he's going to do that but in the end he doesn't.

His friend has had a history of stealing things and he's got this problem... he's married and now currently has 3 kids with her because he just had those twins with her and then he's got 3 kids with his previous girlfriend that he ends up getting back together with... and he's now with some other girl!!! It's insane. My bf is nothing like that at all! But it's just crazy that he's got a best friend who clearly has a lot of issues.

Anyway, this best friend of his has done stuff that isn't something a so called friend would normally do. My bf's last gf before me passed away but sometime while they were together his best friend made out with her in front of him. And as of recent he stole a little over $60 from my bf when that was his hard earned money that he had just gotten from the cleaning job he did. Yet for some reason my bf let him get away with it because he has a hard time letting go of their friendship since they have been friends for so long but really it doesn't make any sense if he can't be trusted and also at this point he doesn't want his best friend in my mom's house any more.. with good reason. Just last week he said that he was done with him but I did notice he still talked to him on the phone a little bit when I was around and was thinking... "hmmm okay...".

Yesterday his friend called him up asking him to help him move some stuff for his uncle, so he decided to go help him. When he came back with his kids to my mom's he told me mom about this new idea... and as soon as he picked me up from work he says, "So I found a job that would be 7 days a week/ $150 a day... I would get all caught up with everything." and then he's like.. "But their's a catch. I'd be living with Branndon." He explained that both him and Branndon would be working the same place and so they'd have to put aside their differences and he'd just have to live with him. Then he goes, "We're not breaking up"... I just said, "um". He said, "I don't know what to do. What do you think I should do?" and I told him, "Why are you asking me? It's your choice."

The rest of the evening I was pretty quiet and upset but I didn't want to talk about it because his kids were around so I took them home a little later. My mom and I were talking about it since he told her before me about it. She knows all about Branndon and we both agree that it would be a BAD idea. I understand that the job would be good moneywise and it would help him get caught up in a lot of stuff he is behind in like child support but I really think this is one of those things he should pass up because it's not worth living with Branndon and it would be 7 days a week. Which contradicts how he wants more time with his kids since he's unhappy with the way their mom takes care of them. Also, it contradicts all of what him and I had been working on to get him started back in school.

It also totally changes what he's been saying to me about once he gets a job and starts paying off stuff he'd be able set aside money so that we could live together at some point and he's always talking about things like he sees a serious future with me. But this would change everything. He needs to decide whether he is going to continue to give in and be codependent towards his friend and be single or something or whether he is serious about being with me and getting the stuff he wants/needs to do done... even if it takes more time.

I'm just upset right now because I really care about him. I am in love with him and already so close to him and just met his kids and love them and then he pulls this out of nowhere.

**OhManINeedCoffee** · 07-05-2009, 10:13 AM

Hiya, Jess.

Ahh, it looks like you've reached the first real "challenge" of your relationship. The problem here seems to be more a problem with his friend, really.

Originally Posted by thatdoggirl

He needs to decide whether he is going to continue to give in and be codependent towards his friend and be single or something or whether he is serious about being with me and getting the stuff he wants/needs to do done... even if it takes more time.

It sounds here as though your boyfriend has to make an "It's either me or your friend" decision here. I disagree. I don't think this situation is that black and white. In all honesty, the friend sounds like a total sleaze, but that is more your boyfriend's issue than it is yours. I can see both sides of the story on this, but before you decide whether to break up with him over this, I'd encourage you to look at this more from his perspective and his personal situation first.

Originally Posted by thatdoggirl

I understand that the job would be good moneywise and it would help him get caught up in a lot of stuff he is behind in like child support

Bingo. This seems to be his main motive in doing this. This is a big deal to him, and it should be. I know you've said the job market is terrible in your neck of the woods, and while, from what you've said in other posts, he's being extremely proactive about getting back on his feet again, the economy just isn't making it very easy for him to do this. Remember that he is unemployed, in financial trouble, and behind on bills, child support, etc - an EXTREMELY stressful situation. In situations like this, even if you're doing all you can, you can still feel as though you're failing, you're not productive, you're not a good provider to those you need to provide for, etc. And it sounds like he wants to do whatever it takes to get THIS particular predicament in his life sorted out as quickly as possible. I can't say I can fault him for this.

He has made it absolutely clear through both his words and his actions that he loves you, wants a future with you, and that you are a huge priority to him. But remember that his kids and his own independence come first. I know working seven days a week will certainly cut down on the time he wants to spend with his kids, but at the same time it WILL help him provide for them, pay child support, and help him to get to a place where he CAN spend more time with them. I wouldn't think that this job he's considering taking will be a permanent thing - just something to keep him afloat in the meantime until he finds a better opportunity. In all honesty, it sounds as though he's thinking more as a father and a provider here than as a boyfriend. Again, I can't say I fault him for that.

As for living with Captain Sleazeball, I would agree that it wouldn't be a good idea. Does he have ANY other possible options for this? I'm not sure if distance is an issue here or not, but why would he HAVE to live with his friend for this job? Need a little more information on this. But I would encourage you NOT to think of this as him choosing his friend over you. From what I can tell, it looks like he's more trying to choose the most effective and efficient way to get back on his feet again.

Originally Posted by thatdoggirl

I really think this is one of those things he should pass up because it's not worth living with Branndon

It's not worth him living with Branndon to YOU, but again, look at this from his side. The job market is poor and he seems to be in a "I'll take whatever I can get at this point" mentality. He wants to get caught up financially and be able to provide for his kids, first and foremost. To HIM, it probably IS worth it to deal with living with an idiot for a little while in order to get these things taken care of as quickly as possible. While I know you think it's best that he waits for a better opportunity, he MAY be thinking that there won't be one, or that if there is one, it will take a LONG time to present itself. Financial trouble, unfortunately, is not one of those things that can wait. Please try to keep this in mind while you're mulling this situation over.

Relationships are never 100% perfect - we all know this - and it feels like a slap in the face when we first realize that a new relationship isn't perfect. But remember that it's not the "perfection" that matters here so much as the strength of the relationship between you two. I guess when it comes down to it, the question is this: Are you prepared to support him in whatever decision he makes, even if you don't agree with it? Are you able to have faith in his own intentions toward you, even if it takes a bit longer than anticipated to get things in your relationship where you both want them to be?

**SuperDave71** · 07-05-2009, 10:23 AM

Hey there Jess,

I know this is a tough one for you but you must realize that you guys have not been through real world situations while in the relationship. I know you are very concerned with the influence of Brandon but people do what they do and no one is to blame but yourself. Take time to think about what it is that YOU want. Look forward towards your future and see past the honeymoon stage of a current relationship.

You can get through this!

Let us know....

-SuperDave71

**thatdoggirl** · 07-05-2009, 10:57 AM

To clear some things up, I really don't have a problem with him being friends with Branndon. I personally don't trust his friend after I've seen what he did, yes... especially because without going into details on the situation technically what his friend did could have ruined my reputation and trust with a co-worker at my student job and who knows what. So that is not the issue here. I wouldn't even have a problem if it he just has Branndon drive him to work if they both got the job but I just don't see why living with him would be an answer to anything. He does have another option... he can stay at the house he is living in right now. It's not his most preferred place in the world but he's doing fine living there and it's not bad there. So he doesn't have to choose to live with Branndon and be surrounded in his friend's chaotic world but that is up to him. So I guess what I really mean by passing up this opportunity more deeply lies in the sole fact of him acting like he's already kind of decided that he's gonna live with Branndon. The job would be about 40 or so minutes away so distance is an issue but according to my mom the house they were thinking of living in is up near where he is living right now so moving in together doesn't make sense. Not to mention... he doesn't have to pay rent where he is living at right now since he is staying with family. So if anything just taking the job and not living with Branndon would save even more money.

So thinking about it... I've pretty much decided for myself if he chooses to LIVE with his friend I'd probably just have to end it because I don't think I could stick it through like that. If he chooses any other options then I'd be supportive of what he chooses. I just don't support them living together because I've seen how he has acted around him and how he continues to trust his own friend way to easily and jumping into things with him without thinking them through.

**Tiggerinlondon** · 07-05-2009, 04:44 PM

Sorry Kel & Dave, I have to agree with Jess on this one.

What she has seen is a red flag. Instead of ignoring it (and hoping he'll break a habit of a lifetime) she is looking at the situation and identifying that this would be a step in the wrong direction for the mental health of her bf.

He has said he's finished with Branndon, but then his action is to talk to him and go to help him with his moving. Then he agrees to live with him, even though financially he'd be better off where he is! If he is actually doing the job for financial reasons then where the heck is the logic in this part?!

IME often when people have been in a long term relationship together (any type, friends/lovers/family) it is difficult to break the habit (change is something most people dislike) and move out of your comfort zone. However if the other person is detrimental to your mental/emotional/physical health, then IMHO you need to go!

From my POV there is no question about it, irrelevant of how it would affect them. Why? Because IMHO you are only responsible for you in this life (excepting of course that parents are responsible for their kids while they grow up). Also putting up with any habitual bad behaviour (as long as it's not a small thing like putting the toilet roll on the holder the wrong way) is bad for THEM! They will think it's ok and continue to do it, you are facilitating their poor habits, is that something you want to do to someone you claim to care about?

I suggest this isn't about "It's him or me" it's actually about, "You need to make the decisions you need to make and if those decisions impact negatively on me or by those decisions you show yourself to be unsuitable to be able to be part of my life, then we'll have to part ways."

Well done Jess. Relationships aren't easy, but they can be impossible with the wrong person. IME we can choose to ignore red flags, hoping that people will change. Instead I encourage people to notice them and decide if they can accept the person like that; if not then let them know why and find the right person for you, IME it's best for both parties in the end (and if you're meant to be, who knows they might change & you might meet again later or you might learn to accept whatever it is).

All the best,

Annita

**thatdoggirl** · 07-10-2009, 10:32 AM

Update: First and foremost, I'm on vacation up in Cleveland. I'm visiting my friend Robin for the week until Monday. That is why I haven't been on to read posts or update. Now...

Sunday my mom had a talk with my bf about how she felt and later that night he picked me up from work and we talked a little bit. He basically was talking about the job and then was saying how he won't move in with Branndon because my mom basically told him that he shouldn't. Little did he know that my mom didn't tell him not to since she told me the conversation. LOL. But still the point is that he's not going to move in with Branndon. Then they were supposed to go to the job thing on Monday but Branndon didn't call at first and he was telling me forget Branndon he'll find a job on his own. Since I'm on vacation he hung out with Branndon that Monday afternoon and Tuesday and my mom told me that Tuesday they both blew off the job interview and were just hanging out. Yes, it was a job opportunity he blew off but I'm kinda glad he blew it off because now he won't have to rely on Branndon for rides or anything. Which in the back of my mind, I'm thinking that's why he blew it off in the first place.

Everyday I've been gone he'll send me texts that he loves me and misses me and can't wait for me to come home. LOL. It's cute.

So I guess in the end he just needed some guidance on how dumb the idea of living with Branndon was and decided not to. Crisis averted!