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Thread: What a girl needs to do?

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    leilani0008
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    Default What a girl needs to do?

    Both my boyfriend (of two months) and I got out from past relationships at around the same time, a few months ago. I have no contact whatsoever with my ex (and I do not want him back), but his ex keeps in touch with him. One time, she called in the middle of night saying that she was having chest pain and needs to go the hospital. He almost went to take her but since I was with him, he told her to call 911 if necessary. I was hurt by that incident. Then, she has a lot of other ploys to stay in contact with him. He said he told her it was over, but she does not act like it is over.
    I finally told him that to never answer her calls anymore, absolutely no contact. He promised to do so. I am still bothered and felt threatened by her. I don't know what to do. Any advice?

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    Hi there:

    I can't blame you for feeling threatened... It's a tough situation to deal with....

    Could you provide a bit more background? How long was he with his last GF? Did they decide to be friends? what was your BF response to your request to stop all contact?

    I was in the same situation, said the same thing, my ex agreed and we played this scenario out for 2 years... In the end he chose to continue contact because he wasn't done with that relationship... They are now back together... (ughh)

    I would suggest having an honest conversation about things, if they aren't friends and he's done then it should be easier for him to end contact and not respond to her...

    Good luck and go with your gut, It's rarely ever wrong....

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    Hi there,

    In my opinion, this is down to trust. I'm not sure that demanding he have no contact with her is the best idea to be honest. For me, I'd feel pretty irritated if I was told who I can and cannot be in contact with. However, he should recognise that this is causing problems for you and HE needs to deal with the situation. Maybe sit down with him and calmly explain the issue you are having and let him know how this is affecting you. Perhaps he isn't fully aware? Do you think it's that his ex is having problems letting go of him, or is it possible that they have a platonic friendship? Either way, HE needs to reassure you by dealing with the situation. If she is having problems letting go, he is not helping matters by running everytime she needs something. Perhaps he is just trying to be nice and is unsure how to deal with it.....I've been there and it isn't really that easy. However, bottom line, if it's causing problems for you and the relationship, he needs to be aware of the extent of that. Talk to him.
    -Peace
    Dan

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    Dan makes some great points! My ex still texts me every once in a while and we'll chat a little bit but at the same time I know that he's still having trouble letting go of me so I try to keep that contact to a minimum but he and I agreed on being friends. I like him as a friend to talk to now and then, nothing more. My boyfriend has kids with one of his ex's and they talk often mostly to do with kids but sometimes they have arguments that stir a little off course from their kids. I'm not necessarily okay with it but at the same time I trust my boyfriend and I know he has nothing to hide from me and he tells me what's going on. Same with any ex's from a long time ago that he talks to now and then and same when I talk to any of my guy friends. We have a habit of telling each other everything.

    Best thing to do is communicate how you feel about it. I wouldn't go the route of telling him who he can and can't talk to. Yes, it makes you uncomfortable but you can't choose his friends for him. As long as he is aware of how you feel, takes that into consideration, and as long as you have trust for him and the both of you set up realistic boundaries that you BOTH agree on things should be fine. If he decides to talk to her still, you have to decide if you think it's worth letting go and trusting a bit.

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    Well, if you ask me , the answer depends on one variable and his availability is dictated by the reasons behind that answer :

    In his previous relationship, was he a DUMPER or a DUMPEE ?

    A. If he was the DUMPER, the only potiantial threat i see, is that he might want to have sex with her again...he is a man, men either return for good or return to keep the ex as a casual no strings attached sex partener (yap...the old "you were the best partener i ever had" bullsh*t)...some might add here another reason : he was just acting NICE....call me silly but with a few exceptions (female family members, old ladies, ugly unatractive women, almost every woman you are not sexually atracted to -> women you would hardly ever date, let alone have a relationship with them so you can call them an "ex" -> by definition an ex is a person you were/are sexually atracted to) men act NICE toward women (the ones they are sexually atracted to) as part of the courting/flirting process (they wanna get them in bed to put it frankly) ....if you want to take this gamble about how strong he is/isn't sexually atracted to his ex, that's fine with me , but him jumping half way through the door in the middle of the night because she forgot to turn the air conditioner on, signals interest to me

    Also based on my own experience, i've heard ex dumped girlfriends having all sorts of medical problems in the middle of the night, from the invisible chest pain to the head stucked under the toilet seat and they were all waiting half naked with a bottle of red wine and some flavoured candles lit when i got there...yeah, i'm an old devil, i grabbed the bait...silly me for not forseeing that

    B. If he was the DUMPEE - now, straight from the start, this situation sucks...you can search the forum here and i'll bet you'll find some "medical problems used by dumpers to test the loialty of their plan C" stories...it was a simple "let's see what my faithfull minion would do for me in the middle of the night when i know for sure he's with his current partener" test hook and drag along pretext...you can give him a break though...dunno why but "woman" + "medical problems" turns men into eager to jump off a bridge suckers...it's a genetical imprinted "Protector"/"Defender"/"Knight in Shinning Pijamas" that makes men act like this and bite the "damsel in distress" story.

    Bottom line, she signaled Attention, and he signaled Interest....no matter the case, the real problem begins if , behind your back, he talked with her afterwards and appologized for him "not beeing there"

    Cheers, Mike
    "What you won't let die, won't let you live "

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