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Thread: Just a random thought

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    Default Just a random thought

    So last night, I was talking with some people I know through my bf (For some reason people just naturally come to me with their relationship problems out of nowhere... I'm not even a counselor... yet LOL.). This couple just started talking about some things that caused problems for them in the past. The girl brought up about how it bothers her that when they had problems a few years back her husband was possibly cheating on her. She still doesn't know everything that happened, all she knows is that he was texting some girl. Since then they have talked and he says he'll never cheat again and since then he hasn't cheated on her. He wonders why out of nowhere she brought it up again after the problem had been dealt with years ago. She said that it still bothers her but when asked if it's still a trust issue for her she says that it's not, that she trusts him and he trust her.

    My question/thought... is why would it still bother you if you say that you trust them? If it's in the past and you have chosen to forgive and the trust is rebuilt then I find it hard to believe that the issue would be brought up and that it would still bother you. I think that if there is still something that is unrevolved and that it isn't possible to trust fully if there is something about the issue that still bothers you even a little bit.

    I think a lot of time this happens in relationships. There are conflicts that people maybe even talk about and they think they are solved but in reality there is still something hanging around that never leaves if it's never dealt with properly. People often brush things off or maybe think to themselves, we've already talked about this so I should forgive them by now or they should forgive me by now. But if they really haven't... people shouldn't be afraid to continue to discuss it until they do find a solution that works for them. That doesn't mean the issues go away over night but it means there is some sort of progress.

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    I agree with you. If someone still feels the need to bring it up, there hasn't been as resolution for them.

    Personally, I can't imagine even wanting to stay with someone who cheated on me, regardless of my feelings for them, mainly due to the whole trust thing. I don't think (for me), that kind of trust can be rebuilt, however I am sure there are many who have worked through these problems and their trust is solid once more. All down to the people involved and circumstances surrounding it I guess.

    Back to the question in hand; I think the fear of losing someone they love deeply causes them to hold on to what was, hoping it will be again. Trust takes a long long time to build, and yet can be shattered forever in a single moment. That fear they hold makes them say those immortal words "I trust you,...It's ok,...we can work through this". They blantantly do not trust the person who has just cheated, but are afraid of losing them. However, in my mind, they just did,....

    A broken vase can be pieced together, but you can see/feel the cracks,...

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    Well, that's what i call a "Boomerang Effect" (i've been using this expression a lot here but i can't remember if i ever explained the notion, as this notion it's something of personal development after many studies over the years) and it applies to most human interactions not only to relationships or trust issues.

    In general lines the notion is simple and it has the following elements:

    A. (Seed) Occurance of an event : it can be an interior one (a thought/fear/desire) or an exterior one (as something done by another person/circumstance - an insult/complement/beeing cheated/deceived/dissapointed etc)
    - in your case, the person had suspicions about beeing cheated

    B. (Soil) Inner choice to settle for a superficial meditation/analysis/introspection on why the event affected you and also willfully accept a superficial conclusion on how it will affect your future actions
    - in your case, the person never got around to obtaining valid objective confirmation to dismiss/confirm the suspicions, so it settled for the lesser acceptable conclusion ... although she said that she's done thinking/worrying about it and threw the iddea in the back of it's head, the subconstient never accepted the conclusion and dismissed it as beeing unfounded...the fact that you say/belive that something is out of your mind, it doesn't mean that your brain is done analizing it in the background

    -->Growth Period<-- : it might be a month, it might be 3-4-5-X years, the A events is still active in the background with the subconcious working on it

    C. (Catalyst) Occurance of another event (Int/Ext), similar/alike/hinting (to) with the initial one, be it in small part or in it's full form
    -this is the funny part....sometimes this catalyst event is something you barely conciously perceive (or it can be something blatant and straight in your face) as it is a thing of details (good example : during the A incident the suspected cheater was acting really cute towards you -> you saw this as him "trying to cover up his tracks and remove suspicions", after the Growth Period, he start acting nicey again this triggering the C event) beeing corelated to the A event (that you choose to "get over") your subconcious (where the A event is still active and pending a conclusion) picks it up way faster and works on coralating all the gathered data you it might seem as a simple bad mood, or insomnia or the constant feeling that "something is bothering me" just can't put the finger on it

    -then again, the C event could also be an Internal one...per example you feel attracted to another person while beeing in a relationship with a suspected cheater (the A event) this case, the D below takes a more selfish turn as the conclusion will serve as a "get away free" card if you decide to cheat/leave the current relationship in pursue of the new interest

    D. (Outbreak) Subconstient fast analytical proceses that link A with C and result in a conclusion that is (usually) oposed to B
    - you know that expression "Night is a good counselor" ? that's what this is all about wake up one morning and out of the blue the valid conclusion to the A event (you usually get a "man, that was like such a while ago...what came in to me to think about it now? ") pops right in front of your eyes....other good examples : you realize that you've never actually believed the suspected cheater's story and it was eating you all along can degenerate in sudden break-ups, ugly fights , or total emotional breakdowns (yes, you've guess it, meeting an dumper ex after a good period of time , a meeting that although you belived you were fully healed, breaks you into tears when you get home)

    Cheers, Mike

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    Wow, Mike, that was quite textbook-ish.

    If this thing STILL bothers her, even if she claims it's been resolved, then you know it hasn't been resolved at all. I'm with Dan on this one - if someone cheats on me, then that's it, we're done. No negotiations. Sometimes trying to save a relationship after cheating makes things even worse than it would if you just make a clean break. We can "forgive" all we want, but we never "forget" - especially something like that. Nor should we - but in relationships, there is a difference between forgiving and moving on together and forgiving and staying right where you are.

    I am not one who trusts easily or even very well (not until I'm good and ready, dammit! ), and once something has been done to completely shatter it, then there's no way I'm able to build it back.

    It sounds like your friend tried to forgive and forget, but her heart was never really in it. She may have thought it was "silly" of her to continue to feel hurt about it, she may have gone along with resolving it simply for form's sake. Either way, it is clear to me that she still does not trust him. You're right, Jess - a healthy couple should never be afraid or annoyed to discuss certain problems until they're resolved; howver, they BOTH have to be honest about where they are in the healing process.
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  5. #5

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    Love all the responses. I think I agree with all of them.

    If I got cheated (physically or emotionally) on it would be over for me too. I've learned from my past relationship that emotional cheating whether they admit to it or not is just as bad as physically cheating. I never want to put myself in that situation again. It's something I can't control but I can put a stop to it.

    However, I do applaud people that have worked through their problems in a healthy way and if their was cheating in their past, if they really have changed and fixed their relationship then that is great. I do believe people can change if they want to.

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