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Thread: If you had a boyfriend whose girlfriend died 2 years before...

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    Default If you had a boyfriend whose girlfriend died 2 years before...

    This is more of a minor relationship conflict that has been building over time but it has to do with my boyfriend's girlfriend that died so I'll post here.

    The other night I got a text from my mom saying that she say my bf posted a new pic and it was of Marcy's gravestone because her name and stuff is finally listed on it. So that meant that he went to her gravesite to visit during the day and then went somewhere to post the picture up. That night he was out with his friend Branndon (for the first time in months)... he's the guy I don't trust because of Branndon's stealing and such, he's just not a good influence to be around but after some huffing and puffing I just went ahead and let him hang out with Branndon and I let him know that I was going to be hanging out with my ex and his roommate Brice. He said that was cool but before I was about to go he kept cracking jokes about how I was probably going to have sex tonight and kiss and make up.. even though I wasn't. I just feel like I'm aloud to hang with friends that I want to without worrying about how he feels about it since I have to do the same for him. So whatever. When I got back home was when my mom texted me about the picture. I texted him saying "Guess we're even now since you hung out with your ex and broadcasted it all over myspace." I admit I said it out of anger because he was cracking all those jokes and even said something like it was okay if he hangs out with his ex (mother of his kids) once. So I was a bit sarcastic in my text but I was trying to let him know that it bothered me that he posted that on his myspace.

    He doesn't understand why it would bother me and says it wouldn't bother him if I had a dead boyfriend that I posted pics up on myspace and that it doesn't matter what he puts on his myspace. He also took offense to when I said that my mom agreed with me that it was a little bit weird but he was more pissed off at my mom and saying that he should delete her and make his account private but this has nothing to do with my mom. So what if my mom told me. He does that any time I get upset about something and if he finds out my mom talked to me at any time to do with whatever the situation it is he says that my mom and I just try to start stuff. My mom just simply told me she saw that he posted it and I told her how I felt and asked her how she might feel. That was it.

    But of course, this whole issue is not soley based on him posting this picture of his dead girlfriend on myspace but it's been a progression of things to do with her over time. He posted a pic of her on the myspace back in June or July and had me put it on there for him. It was a little awkward but I did it and didn't think too much into it at the time. But then occasionally if I say something that gets misunderstood and offends him or if he's jealous about something to do with a guy on occasion (even though he won't admit that)... he'll bring her up. Like if he thinks I don't like something about him then he'll say something along the lines of "Oh, well.. Marcy liked that" or one day I accidently was talking about some cute guy in front of him for a split second but it came out by accident and I didn't mean anything by it. I apologized about it later because I know it bothered him but the way I know it bothered him was because he made a wise crack comment like "I'll bring Marcy back from the dead and kiss her" or something like that. I know he was saying it jokingly but it hurts me.

    I've heard him a couple times talk to his daughter about one time there being a huge spider and it scared his daughter and Marcy and they jumped up on the couch and he had to kill the spider. He brought this up to his daughter like twice starting it out like.. "oh do you remember that big spider..." blah blah blah. So now once I caught his daughter trying to bring up the story one time in the car and then he kind of cut her off. Maybe he sensed my silence and me getting tired of hearing the story.

    Also, before we moved in together I was trying to think of an example food budget and he started to suggest to me and idea of what to do about food explaining that it was the way him and Marcy bought food... like what items they bought in order to save money and such. But there were some things that they got that I don't like. So I had to explain in a nice way that there are some things that I like and some that I don't like and I'm different so I didn't really want to do that. He never brought it up again.

    Anyway... all these little things over the course of the past almost 5 months have slowly built this uncomfortable, uneasy feeling in me. I don't think he intentionally tries to hurt me but it does. I'm not jealous because I know that she is dead and he is with me and loves me but it makes me feel awkward especially if he says randomly something about her out of him being offended or something because my mind tends to wonder off a bit and think... well, if she was alive today he'd probably still be with her.

    He tried to ask me about why I was mad about the picture on myspace this morning before dropping my off at school. Our communication wasn't that effective. I couldn't really think of how to say all of the stuff that was bothering me so I just started out with "because." and I expanded a little bit about the posting it on myspace but not much because we got caught up in a tiny arguement with him saying he should delete my mom and me saying it has nothing to do with my mom.. etc. But he doesn't get why it would bother me. I just gave up and walked out of the car kind of mad. Today in class I wrote down how I felt even though I can't describe it completely but I tried and I'm going to give him the note this afternoon. I explained at the end that I thought it was a little bit unhealthy and that he may not understand but that it does bother me.

    I can understand him going to visit her gravesite. I can't really imagine what it would be like to have a boyfriend die and 2 years pass and being in a new relationship, the first relationship since... but I can imagine it would be hard and I know what it's like to lose someone close to you... but I don't understand the part about posting the pics on myspace so that anyone could see and mentioning a memory to your daughter to kind of try to keep her memory alive or something. Idk.

    What do you all think? Am I overreacting? I don't think that I should ignore how I feel...

  2. #2
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    Good morning TDG,

    I am sorry you are having small issues with your BF but I am going to side on you are overreacting. I know you know how I feel about MySpace so there is no need for me to get into that one.

    One thing that may or maybe be a factor is closure with his ex. Sometime when someone is taken away from us, either from a breakup or death, we have to either learn to deal with the NON closure of such a situation or we learn that we won't have an choice. We know in death it is at least final.


    Regardless of the relationship or what it consisted of, he misses her. His actions can tell you that. So he posted some pictures on myspace. Why would this matter since he was there to pay his respects to someone he once loved? He is with you now. It's possible he is missing her in one way or another and just wanted to "see" her.

    Maybe you could talk to him about her. It is possible that he could open up to you about what might be troubling him inside. Have you ever offered to go with him to the gravesite? This might show HIM you are woman enough to handle such a difficult situation not from a distance but beside him.

    I know this may be difficult to understand but she may have been someone he loved just as much as you love him. I always try to put myself in other people's shoes in hopes of gaining a better understanding of how they feel instead of assuming or guessing.

    I wouldn't let this bother you whatsoever. It merely sounds like he is having some issues letting go which is perfectly natural. Talk to him about it when you are alone sometime. I hope all is well and it's great to hear from you.




    Your friend,


    SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Hello Jess
    My take is that you are over-reacting and even worse, started nit-picking...it's not like posting pictures of her on myspace will bring her back from the dead , you know ? On the flipside, he reacted pretty good....if i would have been in his shoes things would have taken a very different course...each with his own ammount of patience.

    Now for a more serious matter....aren't we a bit selfish , aye ? i was backtracking your posts now, trying to figure where exactly did you lost the notion of "your words vs your actions" regarding a dumper's behaviour towards the dumpee....don't tell me...you are supervising up close and personal your ex's healing process or you are just beeing his "friend" to soften the break-up blow ? maybe he is fully healed and you around is the best thing for his self-focusing ?

    C'mon Jess, this is bullsh*t and i am a bit dissapointed...you are fully aware he is still not over you and he only accepted your dreaded "let's just be friends and hang out" proposal, hopeing things might change in the future....it's funny how we point fingers here gougeing other people's eyes out on how they toy with their exes keeping them hooked and blocking their healing , but when it comes to ourselfs doing the same thing, it's all high, mighty , innocent and best intentions only
    "What you won't let die, won't let you live "

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    Slick,

    I think you may have jumped the gun. I believe what Jess is saying is she was merely upset about the situation and overreacted based on her hurt, not that she was purposely trying to hurt her current boyfriend with her EX boyfriend. Sometimes, like a reflex, we say and do things out of hurt that we later regret yet I believe she was merely venting.



    What DOES bother me is the following:

    I just feel like I'm aloud to hang with friends that I want to without worrying about how he feels about it since I have to do the same for him.

    I believe Jess at one time had an issue with her ex hanging with his ex girlfriend. I also believe she was married but regardless, he may have felt the same as the quote. The only difference is that Jess' current boyfriend's ex is not a threat. As far as her hanging with HER ex, if she gets upset with her current boyfriend going to his ex's gravesite, how is HE supposed to feel about her hanging with HER ex? I think Jess needs to put herself in HIS shoes as well as her ex's shoes and the signals she may be giving off.


    As far as myspace, I could really care less. I have found as an adult that it's sad that people get angry about pictures or "friends lists" and who wrote on your wall or page. If he is proud of his ex girlfriend, so be it. I believe he has a right to post what he wants on his page yet in retrospect he also has to take 100% responsibility for the reactions his page may cause.


    Jess has also never put anyone down on this forum. If Jess is somewhat critical, like we all have been, she will always backs it up with something positive to say. I personally she is a perfect example why she is so respected and loved on this forum.

    Jess, if you will, could you let us know what has happened since so Slick won't be so disappointed in you?



    Eagerly waiting your reply.



    Your Friend,

    -SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Ok, firstly I'd like to explain something a little bit clearer because when I wrote this post my mind was spinning and I didn't really clarify. I admit I hung out with my ex for the wrong reasons. NOT because I was trying to hurt my ex or anything like that. I wouldn't want to hurt him or his healing process but I feel that it is his responsibility to deal with his own healing process. He wants to be friends and he can deal with that on his own and with his friends or whoever he wants to support him. My ex maybe isn't done with his healing process but I don't discuss that with my ex any more and he hasn't brought that up to me in a good while. In fact it didn't really even cross my mind when I was hanging out with him and his roommate. The real reason that it was wrong on my part is because I admit that I did it out of anger against my boyfriend and absolutely 100% nothing to do with him going to visit his ex's gravesite.

    I was angry because I was hesitant on him hanging out with his friend Branndon because I do not trust Branndon because he has stolen money from a house that I have housesat before. Also, my mom has a missing engagement ring from my brother and sister's dad from when she went on vacation and the only person that is really to suspect is Branndon because he had been in our house a couple times before that and was supposed to stay away from out house. I could go into detail on why I am 99.9% he is the one that stole it but I choose not to. On top of that, my boyfriend is paying consequences for recieving stolen property in the past that involved Branndon. My boyfriend plead guilty and has been on probation. He has been made a lot of changes to turn his life around and is very active in our church. He wants to keep doing good but Branndon has been his best friend for years and it's like when he gets around him my boyfriend starts to give up too much of himself either out of kindness.. being a loyal friend.. or he gets in this mindset where he needs money. It's kind of like an addiction. So he told me that he wouldn't do anything stupid by hanging out with Branndon and that he just wanted to hang out with his friend since they hadn't hung out in months. I wasn't comfortable with it and was going to say no but he was starting to get upset and the right thing to do was to let him go because I cannot be controlling and tell him who he can or cannot hang out with. So I let him, but I did something equally as bad because I then decided that I was going to hang out with my ex merely for the fact that I was in that angry mindset thinking I should hang out with whoever I feel like since he gets to hang out with whoever he feels like. I wasn't hanging out with my ex before mostly because I didn't want to cause any trust issues in my relationship because I know that if he was hanging out with one of his ex's I'd be uncomfortable too.

    As for the myspace picture and stuff... I found that out after I had gotten back that night. It actually has nothing to do with the picture. I'm not even upset about the picture or him visiting her gravesite. I understand and respect that part completely.

    It has to do with the times that he might say some sarcastic comment dealing with Marcy as like a protection shield when he takes something I say wrong or something. Like for example when I was on the phone with my mom one day I was in front of him and I mentioned something about a cute guy I saw at school but it was to my mom and I wasn't meaning anything by it but I realized I said it in front of him and was like... oh, that was probably stupid to say in front of him when I was just being silly with my mom. My mom and my sis and I talk about those kind of things just being silly. I mean, girls talk about guys. Plus, my boyfriend isn't shy.. he tells me when he thinks a girl is cute often but I know he still loves me and is with me. But his reaction to my phone convo even though I stopped myself in mid sentence was something along the lines of he was going to bring his ex back to life and kiss her in front of me and our class we were going to. I tried to talk to him about what I said and what he said and he shut me out and then we went to our class thing. Later when we got home I apologized for not thinking before bringing up something about a guy and explained myself. So he knows I didn't mean anything by it. But the issue had not been resolved on why he feels he has to say something involving his ex whenever he gets offended.

    There have also been times where I have said something to him that he misunderstands and takes it as if I'm picking on him or in a negative way.. before I explain to him that I didn't mean it in the way that he is thinking, he'll say something like well, Marcy liked this about me.. etc. or one time.. kinda personal but oh well. He was looking at my boobs one day and he was like I'm trying to see whose was bigger. It's just like an occasional slip where he will say something like that which I feel is unnecassary and it does make me uncomfortable. One, I don't like to feel compared like that to anyone--alive or dead. two, I don't like feeling insulted if something I say gets taken the wrong way.. I'd rather the issue be dealt with instead of some attack of words to hurt me.

  6. #6
    jinmar
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    Default I know how you feel!!

    I know how you feel to the fullest! My Boyfriends girlfriend died a little over a year ago, it was bad for him and they had a daughter together. He keeps her pictures up and goes to the gravesite and I dont think hes over her and it bothers me so much especially since Im pregnant now, and I need him for just me and its hard. He has a shirt with her face on it and wore it the other day, and i was in shock like how could you, if he wasnt ready he shouldnt have gotten with me. I want to say something sometimes but I think it may come out wrong and make me sound like a B. And everyone in his family loved her so much and doesnt really care for me so I feel like I have to compete. Its a hard struggle dealing with it, and seeing her things everyday around the house. I dont know how to deal with it yet, or if I ever will.

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