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Hey there, Niki.
First off, STOP beating yourself up so much, okay? There is nothing "wrong" with you that makes him keep leaving - believe it or not, that is HIS issue, and I can almost guarantee you that you are not going to be the only person he'll ever do this to. I've noticed that, especially with women, it's our nature to immediately jump to the "what did I do wrong? What's wrong with me?" conclusion. From what you've been saying, it seems to me like you could've been his ultimate fantasy woman and he STILL would've treated you the same. It's not 100% your fault; it's not 100% his fault.
I don't know him as well as you, but it seems to me that one of his problems is that he doesn't appreciate what he has when he has it. And I think he takes advantage of your feelings for him. Getting over your first love is NEVER easy, hon, especially when the feelings are as strong as yours. We become afraid that if things never work out with this one person, that we'll never be able to find love. Nine times out of ten, this is simply not true. It's true that you may not have those same feelings for someone else that you had for this guy, but given how you feel now - "sick," "twisted," "pathetic," and seemingly dependent - do you really want them? Love changes with the person. Something is always different the next time around. Different can be a VERY positive thing, though.
What is it that has kept you coming back to this guy? Is it hope that he will change and be who you want/need him to be? Is it because he's comfortably familiar? Is it because you're not sure you can handle the pain of letting him go? What's the root of it? Finding the root may help you to (slowly) move on.
You'll be alright, hon. You're stronger than you think. 
And, of course, we are always here when you need us.
Kelley
"Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card
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