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Thread: Verbal Abuse: sometimes you do the "right" things and still end up wronged.

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    Default Verbal Abuse: sometimes you do the "right" things and still end up wronged.

    I've been holding off a while because my relationship started put so great I didn't want to believe that I might not ever have that greatness with that person again. I'm talking about my boyfriend. My grandparents are visiting for Thanksgiving and they just met him last night. If they had not known about him or met him I'd probably have enough guts to end it now. I should of stuck with my guns a week or so ago and kept our "few hour" long break up legit but that was before I listened to an audiobook that helped me get a clearer perspective and before watching a few videos on YouTube of a lady that is married 17 years to a verbal abuser, has done her research, knows her stuff, yet still can't seem to get the strength to leave her marriage.

    Basically the past 2 months have been disasterous. My relationship started out good with him treating me well. We respected each other. He was sweet to me. He was wonderful and did favors for me without me even asking. We moved wayyy to fast but at the time it all seemed great. He complimented me and showed me off to friends.

    I've given so much support and helped him on his job search. I continue to let him borrow my car when it doesn't interfere with my stuff. I have an apartment in my name that we live in together and share the bills. He works a bunch of odd jobs and he has paid his half for all the bills so far and given gas money. So I can't complain about that part it really that is because if it wasn't for me he wouldn't of had a roof over hishead these last couple months. Now he's got a back up place to stay with one of his friend's he works with. Otherwise none of his other friends or family would take him in.

    Ok. So I'm doing a lot of typing but haven't even gotten to the source of the problems. This is going to be an extremely long post but I need to vent and get it all out.

    Basically in the past couple months I've been called names... The most memorable ones sticking in my head would be "bitch" and "troll". There have been more names and random sarcastic/rude comments. Sometimes disguised as jokes. Sometimes out of irritation and anger from any given thing. When I get upset or ask him not to name call he believes that I take stuff too seriously or he says I'm not perfect either. I never go around saying I'm perfect ever but he says that to try to point out times where I might slip on occasion and name call. This is a bad habit I'm picking up from him but atleast I try to prevent myself from saying stuff and if I do I feel bad about it and genuinally sorry. I've never gotten a sincere apology for him calling me a name.

    At first I figured it was a bad habit he gets from his brother because his brother verbally abuses his wife, I've noticed. But my bf had only just begun so it was a gradual notice until one day he said that I was starting to become like Stacy (that's his brother's wife). I was offended and he never said it again but the name calling and jokes only increase.

    We end up arguing over nearly everything and when I'm upset enough to cry he becomes irrated or annoyed by my cries. He says he doesn't cry when I say things and he thinks I am too emotional. That I need to lighten up. Now first off, I am pissed that I have been so pissed to the point where I have been crying often and secondly, he is far from comforting in the least. A healthy person might take a second and see that they were responsible for some of those hurt feelings and try to make it right.

    One day a few weeks ago I had come home from a long day of work and trick or treating with him and his kids. The night before I didn't get much sleep and I had been busy with school and work that day before too. I knew he was planning on making dinner so I decided to be nice and wash the dishes in the sink real quick. Since he had been hinting lately that it was my turn for dish washing even though I hardly notice dishes in the sink because I don't use them as much and hardly eat at home. Anyway, I did the dishes without him even asking and put them away. When he went to get them out he said that they still had food on them and began to critisize my dishwasing. He asked my to redo them but by then I was laying down simply to rest since I had work again in the morning and I knew his daughters would keep me up most of the night. Well, I told him to do them. He was irritated that he had to redo them. He also made it a point to tell me that be never wanted that to happen again with the dishes. Totally ignoring that I explain that I was tired and just tried to help.

    I have stuff in my closet since we first moved in that hasn't been sorted and he thinks I'm lazy or always has an excuse for not getting to it. But I didn't throw all my stuff into the closet in the first place. He just grew impatient with the boxes since the first week I moved in I was sick and couldn't get fully unpacked. Him putting all my stuff in the closet threw me off and now I haven't had enough free time to do it. He thinks since he's a clean freak that my personality should be like his where I would want to get it done. Even though I explain that I am different. I work 6 days a week, go to school 3 days a week, attend church groups, and our relationship class. When I am home and have my one day off if I get to even relax that day without having to run errands I typically want to relax and not worry about unpacking my closet.

    I clean up after myself. I do my laundry and dishes sometimes. All the outin the open stuff in the apartment is tidy so who cares what my closet looks like anyway.

    He complains to my mom about me and she doesn't want to hear any of it. She can see right through him and predicted his character before I saw it.

    He puts up a good front. People see him as a really nice helpful guy. At first that seems great but I believe that in the end he does it all to get something out of people. He's become more and more focused on money even though he isn't nearly as motivated to get a stable full time job just cuz he's gotten lucky with some odd jobs from people. He loves talking about what he does when he works and he loves bragging to his guy friends about "all the money he's making". When really he just makes enough to pay his bills. Not enough to pay off his child support to get his lisense back.

    I wish I could go back in time and show myself all the red flags. It's too late to do that. But it's not to late to get my freedom back. It's gonna be ugly and he may try to threat or cure me. He may even try to stay because i put his address to the apartment so legally I'd have to take him to court even though he is not on the lease. But hopefully... Hopefully he'll make it easy and move into his friend's.

    Oh. I didn't even mention the whole sex issue. I had growingly became more and more upset with his lack of sex drive. It used to be great but then all of a sudden he was tired or just simply not in the mood anymore. I'll admit there are some nights I could have been more mature without any blow ups or sobs but I felt so rejected no matter what he said. Then he wanted us to wait til marriage to try to save our relationship. I was reluctant but then I agreed since we are Christian and I thought I loved him. So I agreed but agreed that it was okay to make out but nothing more. However he won't make out with me either. Not for religious views but because he says it's boring and he feels pressured although he said he'd work on it at night time. But I'd casually ask him if we could kiss since I know he wouldn't make any moved but he'd always sigh and say he's tired maybe in the morning. I'd wait but nothing. Idk what the heck his problem is.

    The verbal abuse, the blocking of intamacy, and more that I've forgotten to mention is just too much. I think it is beyond repair unless my praying works and he takes time to himself to seriously change but I doubt he'd admit that he has a serious problem.

    I'm not blaming him and I'm not saying that I am perfect by any means. I've had my fair share of caused arguements and such but atleast I try to view things in a normal healthy spectrum.

    I learned a lot today from an audiobook by Patricia Evans. I'll copy paste some info and other links later when I get to a computer. Yes... I bravely typed this entire post on my iPhone. Pardon me if there is any misspelled words and such.

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    Okay so he won't be coming to thanksgiving anymore. He met my grandparents yesterday buy today after I posted this we ended up breaking up.

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    Wow, Jess. Sounds like that relationship was NOT healthy and all, and while I can see that you both made your share of mistakes, a relationship between two people who respect each other does NOT involve offensive name-calling. If it's not getting any better, then I think you were right to end it, as painful as it is. {{{{{HUG}}}}}

    Also, he is added to my "People to Pummel" list now - NOBODY verbally abuses my friends and gets away with it. I'm sure Josh will help me out in case my Fists of Fury don't quite make my point.

    Take care of you - and I hope there is no trouble or ugliness with him moving out. Keep us updated!
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    We didn't talk last night but today he asked if he could call me. I decided to just be calm and let him as long as he didn't yell. He seemed in a good mood. He had just walked from our apartment to my mom's neighborhood because he has some jobs with some old ladies yards today and my mom didn't give him a ride. Lol. But he wasn't mad and he was just informing me that he was going to be out by Friday. Asked if I was having fun at work. That was about it. I was kind of short just saying yes and okay. But I remained come and as upbeat as I could. Actually, today hasn't been so bad for me.

    I deleted him from my Myspace friends and blocked him from facebook justso I can get a head start preparing for no contact. I know we're capabale of being civil and kind but I do need my time to heal and I think he'll respect that much atleast. I'm glad that there was no blow up about him moving out. Last time there was.

    My mom said that he or she texted sorry things didn't work out. Then she said that he said that I need a real man.

    I think part of why he pulled away physically is because he knows he's got stuff to deal with and maybe thought that it would help hurt me less to pull away. I don't know for sure so I guess that doesn't really matter since I do know that it hurt just as much but it's going to be okay in the end... Just like sphynx says.

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    Hey Jess, so sorry to read all that. You definitely did the right thing and we're all so proud of you for cutting him loose. He's got a lot of nerve and a lot of issues he needs to deal with. Like Kelley said, that definitely did not sound healthy and it actually hurt me so much to read it. You did not deserve to be treated like that, no one ever does.

    I know you're going through a really tough time but if you ever need to talk or need a male's perspective on matters - never hesitate to PM me I'll try to help you out as much as I possibly can. You rock Jess, never forget that!

    And they're right - you SO deserve a real man! Good on ya for blocking him on MySpace and Facebook - best things you can do right now. Two thumbs up Jess.
    Rich

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    Thanks for the support and everything. I know he's right to say that I need a real man and all and I know that is what I deserve but it sucks because I wish HE was a real man. Grr. But life isn't always fair like that. Anyways, I'll be writing you back sometime later. I really love this place and everyone here for being there even if we all are spread across the world. You all are the most loving people I've ever "met". Lol

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    Ah, I know how you feel, Jess. I always wished my ex could become the right person for me in time, but he is who he is. He's a good guy. He wasn't a good significant other, and he knows it. Sometimes we want the person we're with to be the right person for us so much that we can allow ourselves to turn a blind eye to the little red flags at first. It can lead us to construct an image of that person when it may very well not be who they are. Learn from experience, I guess...that way we'll be a little bit smarter the next time around...
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Hey Jess, I'm sorry it didn't work out but you did the right thing by breaking up with him.
    When you told us that you were moving together I remember I thought that it was too soon but I didn't want to sound not optimistic...
    This is something you can learn for the future. Living together with someone else is hard. Not only a guy but a girlfriend too and you need to really get to know each other before taking that step.
    For what you are telling in this post there were a lot of red flags that you can't allow in a relationship. The stronger one is that you need to have RESPECT for the other person and when that is not longer there, well, it's over.
    Good decision. Start to enjoy your single and independent life. You are a young, smart and beautiful lady, you deserve better!!
    HUGS
    Romi
    Sorry for my bad english but it's not my native lenguaje:o

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