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Thread: It's All A Matter of Attitude

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    Arrow It's All A Matter of Attitude

    Someone once told me a long time ago, that regardless of your current circumstances, it’s how you choose to deal with it and your attitude that matters most. No matter what you are currently going through, I know that things will get better if you truly want them to. Just because things seem overwhelming right now doesn’t mean that you are NOT in control of you.

    So many come to theLoveLogic for answers to problems that most already know the answers to yet in our moments of heartbreak, we tend to lose what common sense we used to have due to the heart and head not agreeing on the outcome of a broken relationship. We choose to look the other way when close friends or even loving family members tell you “it’s time to move on”. I have been there and done that. My response was always the same. Though I said it softly to myself, I would always reason that they didn’t know my ex like I did. I made excuses for her behavior because all I wanted sadly enough was for her to love me the way I loved her. My heart was broken while in the relationship. I can remember sitting on my ex’s couch telling myself “why the hell am I here?” yet I stayed because I was not human enough to break that bond that not only I allowed her to have on me but I guess my reasoning was at least I was not alone. I have never been more wrong in my life.

    Our hearts are designed to love and give love; not to tolerate or accept “good enough” from whomever you choose to love and accept love from. The key here is to know the difference. Years ago, I was in the category of wanting her to love me rather than her actually loving me. Even worse to admit is that I chose to stay hoping it would get better. I want to let all of you know; there is a HUGE difference in my last statement between being loved and hoping to be loved. The reality of it was that I stayed because I gave my ex credit where she didn’t deserve it. I was so desperate for her to love me that I gave up me, my credibility and my expectations of what I deserved in order to get scraps of love from her which were never enough.

    I am not a victim. I do not suffer from the victim mentality of “they did this to me.” I have grown so much in my years away from my ex. I started these forums in order to help those that can’t help themselves…at least for now. After any injury, it takes a while to be able to function the way we once did. It takes time. The key to remember is that you can’t just hope the pain will go away; you have to work towards it.

    The last thing I needed to do was to feel sorry for myself. It solved nothing yet my heart was still broken. All I wanted to do was sit around and secretly hide my tears and inner pain because I wanted to fool everyone into believing I was ok. I would tell myself that crying was for babies yet my heart ached as I felt so empty inside. In retrospect, my heart was emptier when I was WITH my ex that it ever was when she left. The relationship was not going anywhere. I knew it would never last, I was only buying time in the hopes that things would get better. All that ended up happening was that I tried harder to make her love me and she did nothing. Think of it this way. I was playing tug of war against a dozen strong men and I was trying to convince myself I could win. I knew what was happening. I just refused to give up.

    My thought process was that if I gave up it meant I never really loved her. I was a soldier that never surrenders. I put everything into this relationship and she took everything I had for granted. I allowed it to happen. Am I bitter? Absolutely not..only those that choose to hold onto past pain remain bitter. There is too much GOOD in the world to believe that life is over because one person wasn’t right for me. To put it into perspective, what is one person to a world of over 3.8 billion? Chances are I will find love again if it doesn’t find me first.

    We all have had our moments of heartache, breakups, divorce and past circumstances that may have been different due to reasons beyond your control but my question is why does it matter thinking of the past? Just because your present may not be what you want it to be doesn’t mean you can’t change it. If you believe your life is over because of a breakup, then I hope you find some comfort in my following words. Never give up on you just because someone else did. You were not put on the planet to serve others and not be served. Love is a give and take. It requires dedication from two people, not one.

    To assume things will get better yet you do nothing to improve yourself… then you are already lost. You can’t change others. We can hope for the best. We can try and motivate others to be the best they can be but we can’t do it for them. Even as much as you want someone to love you, you can’t make them. They are 100% in control of themselves just the same as you are. The person that loves you the most is you. If you can’t or don’t love yourself, how can you expect to learn to love others?

    Many try to fool themselves into believing that being in love fills the “love gaps” in their own life but what happens when they walk away? That love they have you walks right out the door with them and you are once again left feeling worse that you had when you were alone because you didn’t know how to love yourself first. Life is full of people, just like you, who want to love you and give you the attention, respect and friendship you have always wanted. How do you know when you find them? You will know. It’s all a matter of attitude.

    Look deep within yourself and realize that you are not a quitter. You are not a rarity and the world is NOT working secretly to destroy any bit of happiness you ever found. If you don’t learn from your mistakes, you are destined to make the same mistakes over and over again. There are no victims when it comes to love. You choose the wrong path. You choose to hang onto a bad situation and you choose to let them treat you the way they did. My advice is to brush it off. Toxic people are just that..toxic. They have no business in your life or my own. I choose my friends wisely because we become the company we keep. I choose to be with others that challenge me and push me to succeed as well as motivate me to be the best I can.

    If you choose to be with those who are tired, non-motivated or have given up on their hopes and dreams, then eventually you will too. Let go of all he negativity. Learn to plow the weeds that you have allowed to grow in your heart in order to make way for a garden.
    A glass can only be filled as much as the volume inside. Your heart works the same way. If your heart is filled with bitterness or resentment for example, there is no room for love. Learn to let go of the negative past in order to make way for a brighter future that YOU CONTROL. You are the main character. You choose your setting, characters and plot. Know that you are not alone. Though your heart may be broken, it can heal. Love takes time and the way you heal a broken heart is not allowing it to attempt to heal with scars of the past.

    Pain is temporary. Pain makes you stronger. I never said it was easy but to put it in a different light…we are here helping one another because of past pain and the secret is to learn from it.

    It’s all about attitude. You have a choice to make:

    a.) You can either be a victim
    b.) You can be a victor.

    Choose your path wisely….

    I believe in you.

    Your Friend,

    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

  2. #2
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    Another great post, SuperDave! I couldn't agree more! We can only come out of this as better persons. And a positive attitude is the key to happiness. If you think positive, all else will follow! Use the pain to grow!

    The break-up with my ex has taught me this. I've always looked positive at life, I think anything is possible as long as you believe in it. But I lost my way in 2009, could only see things in a bad, negative way.

    Since the break-up, I've rediscovered my positive side. I've haven't felt this great and optimistic in a loooooooong time.

    I'll tell you this, It's good to be back baby

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    Thanks for this SuperDave - it did bring tears to my eyes but I will choose to think of them as tears of hope.

    I have twisted my poor mind into a series of knots over the last year. I have tortured myself, beaten myself into an emotionally bloody pulp over one man's rejection of me. I have created a virtual crazy labyrinth of stinkin' thinkin' and I got lost in there. I'm still trying to find my way out of the maze.

    I poured over every event, thing I said, nuance and found fault with almost everything I did with this man. I told myself "I blew it, he really liked me in the beginning and I BLEW IT". I know I made mistakes but so did he. I am only to blame for my OWN actions and my own words. I was very fearful in the relationship because he never felt what I felt, and fear is the opposite of love. He did not love me and I cannot make him love me. And I know it is over and he is NEVER coming back. I have felt so depressed, even this past weekend, to the point where I think I'd rather not live than deal with this pain. I have cried for weeks, for months, I have cried a virtual river. I cannot believe there are any tears left.

    To read your uplifting post is to remind me that I have a CHOICE to be happy without him. Even though I've never been able to get away from him and I KNOW that he is seeing someone else, I can still choose more realistic thoughts for myself. I don't have to go down those dark twisted pathways in my mind that just lead to pain and sorrow and negativity.

    This morning I decided to quit my group as I told myself "I can't bear this. I can't bear to face him with her, and it WILL happen. He will know that I'm not over him and I can't bear the loneliness...knowing he is in a relationship and probably in love with her."

    Well, I don't know if he's in love with her. I don't know anything about it except I do know (for a fact) that he is seeing her. I know that I can choose to accept the reality that I never meant as much to him as he did or does to me. I created a fantasy and he was "it" - he was "The One". What I know now is that he is NOT "The One" and "The One" does not exist. I only have myself and continuing to beat myself up because this One Man did not want to be with me is the opposite of love.

    Today despite my tears again, I will pick myself up and get outside and enjoy the beautiful weather. I will be thankful for my friends and what I DO have and I will release myself from this stranglehold of MY OWN CREATION.

    I will accept my feelings and thoughts but I can choose NOT to believe them, and I can replace them with more realistic and compassionate feelings for myself. I will treat myself the way I would treat a dear friend who was thinking these things: I would remind my friend that I have NO control over anyone but myself. I would never put a dear friend through the emotional wringer that I have put myself through.

    Today I am OK, and all is well in my world. I wish him well in his world. I will be OK when I see him tomorrow night. His choosing to not be with me is not the end of the world.

    If I decide I need to get away from him a while, then I choose to leave the group. It's not the end of the world and maybe I do need No Contact to get some clarify and get ME back.

    I have given him ultimate power over me and I have diminished myself but this was MY decision. He never asserted power over me, I ALLOWED this in my own MIND. He likes apples, and I'm an orange and that's all it comes down to. An orange is a wonderful, amazing, unique and succulent fruit - a miracle really. Every life, including mine, is a miracle. I am NO better than HIM or anyone else, we are all the same.

    So once again, I release him to find the happiness he deserves and I release ME from these mental clutches I have CREATED. I know I can be happy alone and I know I cannot depend on others for my happiness. I think I will continue to love him but I can love him from afar AND let him go. I can handle it.

    Today I celebrate ME and my life. All is well in my world.

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