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Thread: Why NC is better then attempting to talk, having false hope, and being shot down...

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    Default Why NC is better then attempting to talk, having false hope, and being shot down...

    Well, geez, just the title pretty much makes No Contact seem like the best option. I've been inspired to write this post because of my first ex bf. During the course of my relationship with him I've seen and experienced both sides of the coin. There was a time where I was the "dumpee" and I came to this bored and did NC for a month and went through a lot of what you all have been going through. We got back together only to break up about a year later... this time with me as the "dumper". It was just as hard to be the dumper at the time because I admit that I was afraid of letting go for the longest time. But it got to the point where enough was enough and I wasn't going to keep chasing after something that was gone, being pushed away, or didn't exist (except for in my dreams/wishes).

    After the break up I tried to avoid talking to my ex much. Plus, I entered a new relationship very shortly after that and I was happy. I avoided talking because it was like all of a sudden after the break up he came to some sort of realization of what he had lost, realized all his fears, and wanted me back and to make me happy. Thing is... I'm happier without him. I still care about him, sure, but I don't feel the same for him anymore and am not even remotely attracted to him anymore. It sounds mean to say but I'm just being bluntly honest because there is no other way for me to put it. I don't want to date him ever again.

    He wanted to stay friends and at some point I ended up reluctantly agreeing to be friends. I made a point to stay in LC but the next few months of when we did talk was mostly about him being depressed, complaining, boringness, and sometimes getting into pointless arguements about the past. I even attempted suggesting things to him that he could do that would be uplifting but he'd kind of dismiss my suggestions either saying he had tried or he didn't know how. I realized that no matter how much I try to help it's not going to make a difference because he has to want to and do it himself. I decided enough was enough and I went into NC for I think it was 24 days. Then he messaged me on fb and I was online so he started chatting me too. So I felt obligated to reply I guess... even though I shouldn't have.

    He wanted to go to NYC over winter break and no one else wanted to go so he thought he's ask me. What the heck? I know my facebook says I'm single but come on! (I'm not single really and that is a whole other issue that is off topic) Regardless of whether I'm single or not I'd say the same answer that I did tell him. I said, "No thanks." He then asked what I was doing that night and if I wanted to go to the movies... that he'd pay. I told him that I don't want to go on any dates. Sorry. Can't. He explained that it wasn't meant to be a date but that he missed hanging out. I told him that I felt uncomfortable hanging out with him even if he had a hint of feelings left for me. That's where another arguement started to begin and I was telling him how it was pointless to argue about it. He again went into how he doesn't like talking about it through text because that is how we always misunderstood each other and had arguements in the past when we were together. He said that he wanted to talk to me about it in person, that he'd appreciate. I said that I'd think about it.

    It was a couple days later when after work I decided to stop by his work since he works at the same school. I went there for him... so he could get out whatever all it was he wanted to say so he can get off my back about everything. He spent an hour or so talking with me about what all he's thought about and what he's learned and how much he regrets the things he did. He said he was a bad boyfriend. He said that he realizes now that he was scared and that he wanted all the things that I had once wanted. He told me how that if he could have what he wished he'd be married to me and stuff. Then he mentioned how he would do anything to be back with me. He talked about how the other dates he's been on since then just make him sad because he thinks of me and that he's had people that wanted to be with him but he couldn't because he still loves me. He even said that he realized that I was the most beautiful. Etc Etc.

    In a way this was somewhat complimenting and I was in shock of that... and really I was surprised but happy for some of the stuff that he has learned although I wouldn't say he is a "BAD" boyfriend because there were good times and he isn't a bad person. But I still reassured him again, except this time in person, that I do not feel the same way and that I don't think he'd ever have another chance with me like he wants. Etc. He kept talked about things even after I told him some of what he knows deep down anyway.... and he even cried a little. The whole talk was awkward and I didn't want to see him cry and all that. He poured his heart out and I listened. When I get all nervous I tend to laugh so I laughed a lot of the time but I didn't laugh to be mean spirited or anything. I just couldn't help it because it was just awkward. But I do think that I left giving him some sort of closure whether he likes it or not. He can choose to accept it whenever he feels like it. From the sounds of things it seems like he's got a long way to go but I'm not judging him for that. He can take all the time he wants but I hope to see him happy one day.

    I explained to him how this was why I didn't think it was a good idea to be friends. After that he admitted that he thought it was difficult to be friends because deep down he still wants me back. Soooo.. I left and parted ways AGAIN... I think this time he realizes that this is it. I hope that he's figured out that we can't be friends... atleast not for a long long time. Really, even though I do care and would treat him as a friend if I ever bumped into him... I don't think friends is even good in the long run. I know he feels like I'm the closest person to him and a lot of what he misses is just the talking like friends... but he's going to have to learn that one day if he lets himself he can be close to other people and develope good friendships/relationships without me.

    Now I can go back into NC and feel free again.... free from the pressure. Hopefully, on his side he benefits from me not contacting/responding too. Because it really is the best when two people don't feel the same. It saves having to cry in front of the other, from getting feelings hurt, being rejected over and over, etc.

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    He told me how that if he could have what he wished he'd be married to me and stuff.

    Sounds like desperation. You did the right thing by going on NC.

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    He wanted to stay friends and at some point I ended up reluctantly agreeing to be friends. I made a point to stay in LC but the next few months of when we did talk was mostly about him being depressed, complaining, boringness, and sometimes getting into pointless arguements about the past. I even attempted suggesting things to him that he could do that would be uplifting but he'd kind of dismiss my suggestions either saying he had tried or he didn't know how. I realized that no matter how much I try to help it's not going to make a difference because he has to want to and do it himself.
    I wonder, if he never mentioned the past and kept contact enjoyable and fun. Would you go back at some point?

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    Quote Originally Posted by tequila_sunrise View Post
    Sounds like desperation. You did the right thing by going on NC.
    I agree. I mean, I know he's a had a tough time and I used to feel kind of like that when our first big break up happened a long time ago but I wouldn't have the guts to just pour out my heart like that or whatever. I just think that he's going about the whole healing from a break up the wrong way. I mean... his focus is too much on him being happy WITH someone else. Instead of being happy within himself first. Then maybe things work out with him and the girls he talks to. I don't know.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bobbe View Post
    I wonder, if he never mentioned the past and kept contact enjoyable and fun. Would you go back at some point?
    I think by the time I ended it I had been on his end before with the trying and trying so much to make things work that I just grew tired of the bs so I don't think anything he could have said or done would make me ever go back to him. He's not a bad guy but we just have too many differences. However, I know that if he didn't bring up the past and kept things enjoyable and fun that I think we would have been able to keep a good friendship but I understand that it's not always... hmmm possible I guess.

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