Is Your Partner Emotionally Abusive?

[OhManINeedCoffee]

Is Your Partner Emotionally Abusive?
Just because you aren't getting smacked around doesn't mean you aren't suffering. In fact, verbal abuse and emotional abuse in relationships is on the rise, and the psychological damage it inflicts can be crippling. To escape this insidious torment, you have to be able to spot the symptoms
Martha Brockenbrough

Julia Morrison* was in her twenties when she met her boyfriend at a film festival. He had J. Crew-model looks and a sexy British accent, and he was a feminist/poet/vegetarian

[crazydays]

Thanks for this post. I found it extremely interestng. I do have a few questions and would like some feedback.

I have problems telling my bf where I'm going, i.e. dinner with some friends (females) because I fear he will get mad, so I don't tell him. I sometimes think I give him no credit and I should be up front and tell him, but for some reason I find easier not to tell him. In the past, he would tell me that the weekends were his and that I shouldn't make any plans without him. And, of course I would get extremely depressed about it, because my weekends would consist of watching tv or having sex. When we broke up, he blamed me for everything, he told me that I treated him badly and that I used him, he called me names like gold digger, user, etc. And, I got to a point where I started believing it so now that we've reconciled, I make sure I pay for the majority of our entertainment. And, falling back into the trap of doing nothing but watching tv. I haven't had any physical contact with him because I just don't think we're connected enough to go to that level and I don't want to complicate things.

My question is, I'm not sure if I'm being emotionally abused or not. Sometimes I think perhaps I am, then I think maybe I am the abuser (which he has accused me of on numerous occasions) . So, with this quick and general e-mail, I would like your thoughts. Again, sometimes, I think he fits the pattern of an emotional abuser then I start thinking that I'm just making things up in my head because something about our relationship doesn't feel right. Comments?

[OhManINeedCoffee]

Hrm....here are some questions to ask yourself if you're wondering if you're being emotionally abused, Crazydays:

Are you afraid to discuss certain things with him?

Do you two oscillate from very distant to very close?

Does he ever ridicule you when you express yourself and your feelings?

Does he ever criticize you or try to lower your self-esteem?

Do you ever feel as though you're "trapped" in the relationship?

Does he try to put limits on your access to friends, family, etc?

Are you ever afraid of him?

Though I am by NO means a professional in terms of relationships, your relationship sounds like it's a very toxic one, Crazydays. It does not sound as though you're getting anything positive from this man - in fact, it sounds as though he's dragging you down. If you're more unhappy with him than you were when you were single, if he chooses to blame everything on you, act immaturely, call you names, and make you put all the work into it while he does nothing, that is a sign of a toxic relationship, if not an abusive one. These things you have told us that he is doing/saying are NOT right - don't feel as though you're making that up in your head. Love is not supposed to hurt, make you feel uneasy or insecure, or make you feel trapped. Why stay, when you were happier without him?

Take care of you.

[kndge9584]

yes, my partner is a emotionally abusive he did not tell me what happened but now he hate me.

[thatdoggirl]

Yeah.. I can't answer yes to all of those questions but I know my ex with emotionally abusive. Makes it harder when trying to fully get to a point where you can really move on. Whenever I would want to talk about my day or anything I was usually ignored after the first couple minutes or brushed off or told I was talking too much yet when it came to him telling me about his day he could go on forever. If there was a relationship problem being discussed and if I got emotional about it I was either crazy or too sensitive or "nothing will ever make me happy" or "I want too much". I don't know how I let someone effect my self esteem so much. I felt "trapped" even though I knew I wasn't and the worse part is when I finally left it's like he didn't really care that I left the relationship. It must of been that one sided. I felt I was putting in all the effort and when I finally just gave up he didn't care. He didn't try to fight for me or anything. He's attempted to act like he wants back together several times and I have been great at brushing him off and clearly telling him that he has not shown that. But everytime he pulls that act it just makes me more mad because of how he just thinks things can be easy and that we could just be together without him having to put forth any real effort. I'm so tired of it. That's why I've been doing a modified no contact but it's still hard because we have a kid together so I can't completely shut him out. UGH! Had a dream last night he sent me a picture of a girl and said "I slept with her". It was a dream but I can tell that still upsets me and I'm sure if it was real I'd be more upset still. Not only because the feelings are still there even though I know I am much better off.. but because he can't even support himself and his 3 kids and is not man enough to step up and do something about it so if he really was with someone else I'd be angry. I'm trying to get rid of the feeling of resentment. It's not healthy for me.