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Thread: Common Signs of a Commitment Phobe

  1. #16
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    I agree. Some commitment phobes are in total denial. My ex was a little different - he had the startling revelation that he WAS a commitmentphobe, and it terrfied him. I wasn't sure what to tell him, because I had known this all along. He began to think that he'd screwed up every relationship he'd ever been in. Since there are always two people in a relationship, I had trouble believing that, but from what I knew of his behavior in relationships firsthand, I had a feeling he probably made his share of mistakes.

    I don't know if he's been able to really confront that head-on. I asked him what he thought he wanted to do about it. He was confused and frazzled and had no idea.

    I guess what I'm saying is, being aware of your own commitmentphobia isn't going to make you less of a commitment phobe. And I totally agree with you, Jess - for those of us who are willing to take risks and have a commited relationship, it's up to us to decide whether we're patient enough and think it's worth it to wait for them to figure things out on their own, or if it's time we moved on. Every situation is different, so you're absolutely right - there's no right or wrong answer to this.
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  2. #17
    jazz63
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    Default commitment phobes...

    Hi everyone, I'm new here.

    I've been dating a commitmentphobe for a year and a half. I was frustrated by his unwillingness to commit for a long time, then things changed a few months ago. Things were going really well, and he was willingly drawing closer to me. Then I screwed things up.

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    Hey there, Jazz, and welcome to the forum.

    It sounds like your boyfriend is needing some time and space to think things through, and my advice would be to give it to him. I doubt he's actually "over it," as he claims to be...this has probably forced him to think about what he really wants and how he really feels. Or he may be simply licking his wounds.

    You cared enough about him to be honest with what you did - were you also honest about why you did it? I understand your utter frustration with his difficulty with commitment (been there), and honestly I think he needs to know about it - constructively, of course. It sounds as though you've been quite patient with him, and you seem aware that there is no way you can "force" someone into a committed relationship with you. However, you can only wait for someone for so long before you start to wonder if it's all in vain...

    - Kelley
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    Hello Jazz, glad to have you with us

    I'm going to be blunt here as to me you story's conclusion is pretty straight-forward...To me, he's just a shy insecure pending cheater, even worse, a "struggling with morality issues" one.

    What ticked him over was him beeing hit by a Boomerang Effect (i've just explained the notion on a different thread) and his current actions are the aftermath of that....Coldly said, you are probably a way more opened person than he is and let's face it you've hit him straight in his insecurities with your actions (you getting bored/annoyed with his sluggish relationship type means he was getting worried with your fast paced type and that's why he went into a defensive stance ....can't say i blame him, as vodka ain't a good scape-goat to justify a kiss....beeing bored with someone and looking to spice things up, is )

    In my opinnion, he's trying to emotionaly ballance things now, as in his mind he's still trying to figure if cheating on you (on any form) will bring , on one side - to him, the closure for feeling cheated, on the other side -for you, the same feeling/dissapointment/pain he felt when you did it to him....that's why he is constantly updateing you on his actions ("pouring salt on the wound" if you ask him, "lame attempt" if you ask me)...hey, at least he's not blameing on the evil vodka

    I'm going to be blunt again (can't help it, no appologies though) :

    a) - rest assured Jazz, he'll be back to you in no time ...the guy's a nice guy not a ladies man and he probably lacks the mindset (and the round shaped thingies) to take his plan to a finality....what ? he was boringly sluggish with you for a year and a half and you belive he'll turn over night into "the next best thing" that ejects himself from the "friend" position he has with his "female friends", to the "one night stand" one ? neahhhhh

    b) - just food for thought here...maybe he was sluggish because after a year and a half of knowing you, he feared that some "vodka" incident might occur....If my girlfriend would come confessing about some vodka flavoured kiss , i'll sure as hell give her the boot up her ass, because i'd know for sure that in "confession mode" the truth comes in small bits and the kiss was just the tip of the iceberg....but that's just silly me, and he's a nice guy

    Cheers, Mike
    "What you won't let die, won't let you live "

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    jazz63
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    Thanks for your responses Kelley and Mike.

    It kills me because he has reverted to "shield up" status, and I still feel the same way about him/us as I did before it happened. I didn't have malicious intent, just too much vodka mixed with hurt, disillusionment, insecurity, and a splash of lime.

    Thanks in advance for reading and for any words of advice or encouragement you might have for me.

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    Now we're talking , i love details, Jazz and thank you for sharing

    It gaves me the oportunity to shed light an a notion that society , by ambigous morale, obliges us to put under the rug and brush away without giving it to much importance , when in fact the grounding of a relationship depends on it. That notion is "sexual satisfaction".

    You see, while growing uo we are educated to hold back our sexual impulses when searching for a partener and continously discard them in the background during a relationship, putting them on the last place of importance

    "don't have sex untill marriage" - and what happens if the partener you've married turns out to be incompatible in bed with you ? a "countdown to extinction" kicks in ....you either cheat or you break the marriage as sexual frustration takes over

    "the inner beauty matters/no matter my flaws, if somebody loves me , she/he will me this way" - the biggest piece of crap advice/self-motivation i ever heard ...it gives you a perfect motivation to DO NOTHIN to improve yourself....This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time....as a succesfull human individual, you must be always engaged on a self-development/self improvement race

    On the big scale of things, a realtionship is dictated by the positive/negative state of 2 hemispheres - A. Sexual satisfaction , B. Mental Satisfaction ...Unfortunately, like i already mention, society obliges us to a unfair ballance between those two, and also encourages a "total failure to communicate"

    By society's ambigous morale rules, the ballance of importance is forced to this :

    A.----<<------------------------------------- B.

    It is "imoral" to dump/cheat on a "great man/woman" in a relationship on the grounds that he/she is incompatible with you in bed . Even worse, "sexual satisfaction" and sexual realted subjects are turned into over-exagerated tabu-subjects stirring up public dissaproval when opened -> we end up feeling guilty for wanting to be happy, selfish for doing what's best for us

    By our Human nature, the ballance of importance should always be like this :

    A.--------------------<<>>------------------- B.

    For a relationship to flourish, the same amoount of importance must be given to talking/expanding the Sexual Satisfaction , as it is given to the Mental one....tip the ballance in minus to the A, and expect troubles...i know, it's sad that once we are engaged into a relationship we have the inbuilt instinct to take things for granted, even sexual ones....the once active and eager to please, partener in bed turns into "You do all the action" mentality driven one after a period of time ....When sex goes bad in a realtionship, sexual frustration on both sides kicks in and severely affects the Mental Satisfaction (B)...it will stay like that untill the A. is resolved one way or another, either by getting a tabula rasa (clean slate/start) in the realtionship, either by cheating/breaking up to pursue a more compatible partener.

    Your female friend probably got herself in the situation above, allthough i'm doubting her intentions regarding the marriage from the start....when you cheat with somebody that offers you finnancial benefits, it's pretty clear that your relationship at home was based (in great percentage) on the same basis...it's not something new or haven't heard before...women that marry suscesfull men just to enjoy a steady finnancial situation that gives them the opportunity to please themselfs how they want on the A. part.....and yes, those type of persons, are usually great drama actors, and have a disfunctional moral appreciation system (to them, there are no friends, only persons they are using, and persons that are using them)

    Back to your situation ....my best line is that "time is not on your side" ...and by "your" i don't mean "you", but "both of you".....chasing fantasies and putting the sake of a relationship in harm's way might be a good calculated risk when you're in the 20's and 30's....but at your age span, more exclusivity and caution is advised....the root of all evil that's been affecting you now, might be found in his 27 years long marriage : he feels like he wasted his youth and sexual opportunities while beeing commited to that relationship, and tries to mirror his desires and his past frustrations in the current one.

    I still stand by my "shy pending cheater" theory Jazz ....do a bit of backtracking and motivational analysis on him :

    -married for 27 years, cheated/hasn't cheated on his wife (although if he hasn't cheated is a bit worse, judging by the present state, the outcome is on the same level) -> left the relationship insecure /full of doubts/dissapointed/with a baggage of sexual frustration -> in my eyes, this is a nice guy not a ladies man ...the ladies man plays on the sexual satisfaction value and selfishly takes care of his own first.

    My best advice is to openly talk about what turned your sexual relationship from an exciting one to a filled with monotony one....to me, that's where the key to solving this situation lies....daydreaming about having sex with other women while going home to a loving partener that encourages you to do so, it pretty much every sexually-not satisfied man (or in some cases, every insecured, dissapointed and scared by past cheatings on him, man)


    **edited by SuperDave71**


    Cheers, Mike
    "What you won't let die, won't let you live "

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