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Thread: You and your partner have different sex drives...

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    ^See like I said - it all goes in phases!

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    this thread is interesting to me because when my bf and i broke up, he said one of the reasons was because my sex drive was higher. i was definitely in need of sex and affection because i thought if he was touching me, that meant he must really love me.

    now, i'm more comfortable with who i am, so i don't really need to be so overwhelmingly affectionate. i do love to lay on him and sit next to him, but i don't really demand it from him. i've noticed that he's a lot more likely to want to have sex now and to want me to be close to him when i'm not making it seem like something he has to do.

    it's almost weird how it is now, but i like that i don't feel like i'm so needy and he just doesn't want to be near me. obviously, that's not a good feeling!

    i'm glad to see things have evened out with you two!
    "be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."


    "live fully today so you won't have to regret tomorrow that you didn't live fully yesterday."

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    I always felt like I had a higher sex drive than my ex. In our case, we would go months (in one case, an entire year) without seeing each other, so you can imagine how a long period of self-enforced celibacy will do that. He had a high sex drive as well (we were DEFINITELY more compatible in that department than I had been with anyone else), and when we did visit, we usually would end up pawing at each other within about half an hour after I or he first got there.

    I guess I can't expect to have sex EVERY SINGLE DAY while we were together. But when he would say he was really tired, or didn't feel well (too much food, etc.), I'd wind up feeling rejected and wondered if he actually though I was attractive. I also had this complex for a VERY long time in which I thought I was bad at sex. I'll admit that I still kind of wonder that from time to time, though I try not to really let it bother me, since sex isn't really part of my life at the moment.

    I guess I had trouble understanding it because, with me, unless I'm horribly, HORRIBLY sick (we're talking flu, pneumonia, etc.), I can still be up for sex pretty much any time. I forget sometimes that not all people work like that.

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    Quote Originally Posted by OhManINeedCoffee View Post
    I guess I had trouble understanding it because, with me, unless I'm horribly, HORRIBLY sick (we're talking flu, pneumonia, etc.), I can still be up for sex pretty much any time. I forget sometimes that not all people work like that

    So...um....wanna hang out later?


    :1-he_he: KIDDDDING!!! I am ONLY KIDDING!!!



    -SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    LOL!!

    And just WHY didn't he find this appealing as well? I'm not going to get into details, but it's not as though I wasn't enthusiastic or unwilling to try new things...

    The funny thing is, when we were apart, he'd really miss me, and really miss THAT as well. There were a couple of times when we were out of touch for over a week - once when he went to Middle of Nowhere, WV with his youth group for a week and a half and another time when he went to England with his choir for a couple of weeks. When we were finally able to talk again over Skype or whatever, he'd have this renewed desire or something. Perhaps it's because I was "safe" and at a distance, so he didn't have to worry much about actually being vulnerable. Either that, or he just likes "the hunt," as Josh says.

    Every time he "saw" me again over a webcam, he'd tell me over and over how "re-smitten" he was, he'd forgotten how beautiful I was, blah blah blah. Have I been a victim of MBS (Male Bullsh*t Syndrome)?

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    Quote Originally Posted by OhManINeedCoffee View Post
    when he would say he was really tired, or didn't feel well (too much food, etc.), I'd wind up feeling rejected and wondered if he actually though I was attractive
    same! this is how i felt just before we broke up the last time. i know where this comes from for me - it was from the whole dynamic of the ex being in the picture and feeling like she is prettier than i am, or skinnier, or whatever...

    i have this issue with the thought of her being really damaging to my self-esteem. i still get that way when she comes up in conversation and it's something that i'm working on. for me, it's very much a trust issue, but at this point, i've come to realize that it's something no one else can "fix" but me...i think this is a whole new thread that i'll have to post in a little while.
    "be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."


    "live fully today so you won't have to regret tomorrow that you didn't live fully yesterday."

  7. #37
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    Suzie, I'd sometimes feel like that too when he took trips down memory lane with his ex. She the woman who's mistakes I felt like I was paying for - she cheated on him, went a little psycho when he broke up with her for it, did a little bit of stalking. That was at least four years ago. He hasn't had a "real" relationship since. He's casually dated, and finally had a girlfriend for a few months before I came around, but nothing particularly serious. Then he had his thing with me for a couple of years. I never understood at the time why he was willing to work hard to stick it out with me while we figured out where we were going to be, never dated anyone else while we were doing our thing (I kinda figured this was true because if it weren't, he wouldn't have always spent his Friday and Saturday nights talking to ME), but never wanted to use the word "commitment," even though that's what we were essentially doing. Now I know it was because of her.

    I always wished he wou'dve complimented the way I looked more often, but I guess the problem was that I never believed him when he did, so he just gave up. Never believing that I was pretty (I NEVER have) was my problem, though, and it wasn't because of him. That's my own issue I have to deal with. But I kept feeling like I was being compared to the other girl, and from what I can tell, she and I have nothing in common. Sometimes I couldn't figure out if that was something he really liked about me, or something that he didn't like at all.

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    Sigh...I can't imagine what it is like to have regular sex anymore I find it hard to imagine anyone wanting me like that again, long term. I felt so much passion from Scott, but then he changed and stopped.

    And it has happened to me in the past too, a partner of 4 years who never really wanted to have sex for the last 2 years we were together. Just seems I always end up the friend
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    Nor can it be hidden where it truly does.

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    Quote Originally Posted by OhManINeedCoffee View Post
    I always wished he wou'dve complimented the way I looked more often, but I guess the problem was that I never believed him when he did, so he just gave up.
    okay. we're the same person. my little cousin saw a picture of me on facebook and told his mom that i was beautiful. i got all choked up and said that he was officially the first man to ever call me beautiful, haha. my bf was like, that's not true, you just don't take compliments.

    so, i started thinking about this and i realized that every time he says something nice, i always say "good one!" like he did it just to suck up to me - which, he probably does sometimes, but then i realized that i really need to remember to focus on myself and what i can do to make the situation better.

    why do we need someone to compliment us anyway? we're our own biggest critics, so we're really our own best complimenters - not sure how much of a word that is - also. for me, i think it's going to start being a really good day when i'm the one who thinks i look good.

    was that a ramble? because i was just typing exactly what i was thinking.

    ---------- Post added at 11:27 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:18 AM ----------

    Quote Originally Posted by Frangipani View Post
    Sigh...I can't imagine what it is like to have regular sex anymore I find it hard to imagine anyone wanting me like that again, long term. I felt so much passion from Scott, but then he changed and stopped.

    And it has happened to me in the past too, a partner of 4 years who never really wanted to have sex for the last 2 years we were together. Just seems I always end up the friend
    hey frangi:

    the important thing to remember here is that it was not your fault.

    your sex drive was still healthy - his wasn't. i'd guess that he had some interior baggage to deal with.

    you WILL find this sort of relationship again someday. it's really hard to imagine intimacy with another person after a fresh break up, but it will happen.

    i, for one, can't imagine you staying single and not intimate forever! hang in there!
    "be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."


    "live fully today so you won't have to regret tomorrow that you didn't live fully yesterday."

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    I realize we're getting a little off-topic here, but it's true! I need to work on thinking I look good regardless of whether people notice or not! And, bringing this back around to the subject of the thread, when you've got that confidence in yourself, chance are your partner's going to be turned on by it.

    Thinking back, he also had several moments where he'd back out of sex because he was feeling insecure about how he looked. Apparently, the sight of me made him feel fat. And - same thing - me saying, "Obviously, you're the only one of us who feels like you're unattractive" didn't help much. Huh. Why didn't I ever notice this before??

    So much clarity today! Dave, is there an emoticon for a light bulb or anything on here? I think it's warranted here.

    ---------- Post added at 11:37 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:27 AM ----------

    Frangi, defintely listen to Suzie - she's right on this one!

    Don't ever think that any of this is your fault (although when it happens more than once, it's hard not to). One thing I've learned is that it's a LOT more difficult finding someone who's compatible with you in that department than people think. It sounds like you were the one with the healthy sex drive. In reading your other threads, it seems to me that your ex have had some serious problems with this, got too discouraged by them, and gave up.

    Something kind of similar happened to me with my first boyfriend - the last 2 or so years we were together, I just didn't want to have sex - I literally COULDN'T, even when I tried. I loved him to pieces, and was angry with myself for not being able to do it, but no matter what I did, it just didn't work. I was so embarrassed by my own "inadequacies" that every time we tried to be intimate, I couldn't stop thinking about them. After a year and a half I got tired of feeling guilty and angry with myself. And, most importantly, I got tired of hurting him.

    You'll get there, Frang! We love you!

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    Thanks guys.

    I know...you say it's not me. Just hard to believe it sometimes. Hearing, "I love you, but don't want to have sex with you. I love sleeping in the same bed and cuddling etc, but don't feel like i want to have sex with you" is very disheartening. It's hard because I know he had sex almost on a daily basis with his ex for 15 years. So they were compatible that way...but not mentally in the end. Fought all the time and didn't communicate...still can't.

    My fear is that it will all be fine with the next person...as I helped him heal.
    True love cannot be found where it truly does not exist,
    Nor can it be hidden where it truly does.

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    That's interesting that he can have a healthy sexual relationship with someone whom he has an unhealthy emotional relationship with. Yet he can have a healthy relationship with you emotionally, but not sexually. Perhaps that's what he's used to.

    But I know what you mean - sex is something we all can take personally (and for good reasons), so when someone tells you, "I love you and find you attractive, but don't really want to have sex with you," you start to wonder what's wrong with you. I don't see how you CAN'T feel that way.

    Oy. Sometimes (and only rarely) I'm glad I'm not in any kind of sexual relationship right now because I don't have to worry about all this complicated crap.

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    Quote Originally Posted by OhManINeedCoffee View Post
    I guess I had trouble understanding it because, with me, unless I'm horribly, HORRIBLY sick (we're talking flu, pneumonia, etc.), I can still be up for sex pretty much any time. I forget sometimes that not all people work like that.
    Hahaha. This reminds me of the day after new years. My bf and I both had colds from standing outside in 13 degree weather for hours and it was quite silly but somewhat entertaining that we both had runny noses during... lol.

    Quote Originally Posted by OhManINeedCoffee View Post
    Oy. Sometimes (and only rarely) I'm glad I'm not in any kind of sexual relationship right now because I don't have to worry about all this complicated crap.
    Totally. I mean even though intimacy like that is something that I know I'd miss if I was single it is still nice that the benefit of that is no complications. LOL. Actually, one thing I'm thankful for is that I wasn't sexually active until 19... almost 20. So I'm glad I didn't start when I was a teen and for that I feel that I went into it a lot more maturely. Yet, I'm still always learning.

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    Okay so I think I am officially a girl. I read all of your posts and I tend to feel the exact same way you all do sometimes. I battle with it constantly! I will make a move towards sex on my wife, of 12 years btw, and she won't feel well or it will be late and she is tired. So no go. I beat myself up over it thinking there is something wrong with me. Damn am I no good in bed, does she not think I am not sexy anymore. Am I not doing it for her anymore. Hahahaha. Just thought I would share that guys feel this way too sometimes. And believe me, if you work on yourself and gain some self confidence your boyfriend, husband, significant other will definitely notice. There is nothing hotter than a woman who is very self confident. My wife says the same thing about men too. Apparently I carry myself and have an exterior that I am extremely confident. Okay so yeah, I work hard on that but the truth is I battle hard on this front in my mind. Too much information? I might have gone off on a rant there.

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    Thanks, Rhythm! I'm glad women aren't the only ones who feel like this! Realizing that, I think, will help me pick up on cues later in life. Like, any time a man jokingly asks, "Was it good for you?" I know now that he's not really joking.

    Glad to get a guy's point of view in here!

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