please any advice; fiance hiding texts from me and started drinking alot

[Brasidas]

Hiding a strange mans text messages

I have been with my girl for 4 years we have a 2 year old son, she is 28 i'm 27. I have never known what love was until i met her, she was my first real girlfriend and i know she is my soul mate. We 've always been so honost with each other, but in the last 2 months i began to notice strange texts on her phone from this punk guy, she only texted him when she went out drinking at the bars, i do not drink, and will not go to bars, i always let her go by herself out with her friends, never had any problems. but in the past 4 months she has been drinking 5 days a week, and going out at least 3- 4 times a month. When she gets home she ussually can barely walk and just passes out real quick, she doesent really say hi or anything just passes out.


ok not that this doesent hurt enough but i then will find trext messages from a guy who is 21 on her phone, the messages are out of context one he typed and sent her said "drunk enough yet?" many texts looked as though they were erased and others looked as though she forgot to delete them. Then her brother came to my house one day he said that this guy had a thing for my fiance, and he bought her 28 shots of vodka one night, and he said he was affraid that she would do something stupid and destroy our family. I had been getting a strange feeling and terrible dreams that she was having an affair for months before that, waking up in cold sweats. She texted him one night and said she had to leave the bar and couldent wait for him, he said well f^&% you, she responded with"love you too sexy!".


One night i was sitting next to her on the couch and noticed she was deleting texts i said "what are you doing?" she said "calling my mom" i saw the message that read "love you too sexy! but i dident know what context it was in at the time. I told her i saw who she sent the text too, another man! she said no she dident and deleted it real quick, i demanded that she talk with me. She began to cry and said i would not understand then she finally said "i am attracted to him and he is attracted to me!" and stuck her nose up, then i asked if we were over and she said "i dont know! and then said she only wanted to stay together so our son could have both parents then she passed out drunk. I layed awake all night my heart beat grew faster, my chest seised up it felt like my heart stopped beating and my lungs could not draw air, my heart was broken! She woke up and came in my bedroom the next morning, she asked if i slept i said no, that i wanted to know if she had an affair.



She said she did not have an affair, nothing ever happened, she swears nothing happened that she was feeling bad about herself and his liking her made her feel young, she said she was not attracted to him sexually but she thought his personality was nice untill she found out that he does heavy drugs on a daily basis and is a punk criminal. I asked her why she told me that she was only with me because of our son she replied "thats not true" i told her that our son would be happier if we were seperate than if he lived in a household with an unhappy mother and father, she said she never met it and was tired when she was talking to me, she said she loves me so much and loved me from the moment we first met We are suppost to get married next summer, a part of me still feels sick, my confidence has been destroyed i no longer feel that great feeling of knowing that my woman thinks i am the most attractive greatest man ever it has been replaced with a feeling that i am no good in any way. She said she has stopped all texts with him, and wont ever see him again if it would make me feel better, she said it was her fault and was stupid and she felt really guilty that she broke my heart. No matter what i feel like a piece of good inside me has disappeared, now i am not myself, i used to read like 3-4 history books a month write historical essays and meditate now all the things i love feel stupid and pointl;ess now, my anxiety is worse and i feel so sad inside.



She has never cheate din a relationship in the past neither have i, she has been cheated on before, but she 's my 1st real relationship. We both call each other our soul mate and our bestfriend she says she never met the things she said, What do you think of my situation? did more really happen between them? one minute i was so happy and now i am so sad, what can i do? how can i trust her after she sent texts to a man then deleted them from me. she said she only deleted them because her brother got me worked up about that guy and she dident want me to see them and get upset. Also about 3 months ago i found a text to a former co worker that she sent it said that she hated me and was gonna break up with me, and take my son, and she said i was no good. When i confronted her i said i would leave her if she kept saying weird stuff to other people, she said she dident mean any of it and begged me not to leave her. I try hard, i have taken care of our son since he was born, i stayed up with him during all of his midnight feedings when he was a new born, i stay home. clean the dishes she dirties, clean the toilet she uses...etc when she gets home from work i massage her feet, legs, back, for 20 minutes to 2 hours i tell her how smart and pretty she is and treat her well, we are romantic together, and have a great sex life. So why am i so terrible? Please any advice, comments, suggestions would be appreciated.


Thanks so much i really had to get that stuff off my chest.

[OhManINeedCoffee]

Hi, Brasidas and welcome to the forum.

First off, let me say that I'm sorry you're going through this situation - this is a difficult scenario, to say the least, and it's a bit tricky to figure out, "Where do I go from here?"

Second of all, while I know you're hurting, please understand that you are NOT terrible at all. You can treat someone with love and affection and respect...and sometimes the other person still goes astray, no matter what you do. This is not a reflection on you or your ability to make someone happy...from my perspective it looks like she has some serious things she needs to work out for herself, and things you two would need to work out together. At first glance, a lot of her behavior suggests that she's yearning for that "wild and crazy single life" again, but that's only my initial take. A lot of your questions are only questions that she can answer, but if you don't mind, I'd like to ask you a few things just to get a better sense of what you're going through.

What first concerned me was the drinking. You said she is now drinking five times a week and going out three or four times a month - when she drinks and doesn't go out, is it always to excess?

You have a two-year-old together. You've shared with us how involved you are in taking care of him...has she been as involved since she's started drinking, or does she seem more "detached" from home/family life? Detached from you?

Have there been a lot of stresses in her life lately? In your life? Things that have been affecting both of you?

I know all too well that sick feeling in your stomach when you know something's not right in your relationship - we all do here. We are here to help you in any way we can.

Kelley

[exquisitestill]

Hi Brasidas, I am really sorry that you are going through all of this right now...Going through "not knowing" is the hardest part. Firstly I noticed you said your fiance has been drinking a lot, well these kind of habits change people and can flip our lives upside down before we realize anything has happened at all. My advice to you is to go forward and ask your fiance, sit her down and have a talk with when she is sober, and no matter what you learn or do not learn be encouraged

[LizardKing]

Hey and Welcome to the forum-

Sorry you are going through this right now. From reading your story it sounds like your fiance is not too sure on what she wants. The problem with that is that you two have a son together and are engaged to be married. It seems to me she is be extremely selfish! Like Kelley said maybe she desires the "single party scene" who knows really. The fact is that she is not being fair to YOU! You are the one who is up with your son, cleaning the house ectt.. while she is drinking everynight and passing out drunk. I realize that you love her and believe that you are soul mates but her behavior is saying something different. IF I were you I would take some time to think about what it is that you want and deserve. Marrage is a huge commitment and it seems as though she may have seconds thoughts. Also do not go on her words. I have said it manys times here but "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS". Go by her actions and decide what is best for you and your son.

Chris