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Thread: boyfriends son causing problems

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    gerbera
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    Default boyfriends son causing problems

    I'm at my wits end, please help!

    I met my boyfriend last feb. He works away alot and i see him most fri-sun but i dont mind because I love him. I moved in with him last year which was a big commitment for me as I've been divorced for ten years and have no family back up but happy cos I felt ready. We also got a bigger place because where i was single before, there wasnt enough room for my 19 year old son and his 7 year old son, who visits every weekend. I have a good relationship with my son, he doesnt stay alot but cos of his age - studies, girlfriend, part time job etc, I understand. I have also worked with children for over 8 years now.My boyfriend's son stays over every saturday til sun afternoon and i totally support this naturally.

    However,there have been alot of problems. My boyfriend comes down every friday about 4pm and we eat, maybe a glass of wine, watch a movie and spend quality time together but cos we're both tired this time only lasts til bout 10pm. I have and continue to support my boyfriend even though in the time we've been together, he has been away for long spells sometimes but again, i love him and also appreciate that he wants to spend quality time with his son, i understand as a mum that kids come first but the first problem was after he had been away for 4 months last year, every weekend and still now, his son has toilet problems - he poos himself or goes to the toilet alot an its always the runs and a big clean up.

    Incidentally his diet is very poor as with everything else, he gets what he wants so he only eats what he wants to eat which is usually crisps, chips, fizzy pop, both back at home with mum and with dad when he's with us. I tried encouraging my boyfriend to help him improve his diet but that resulted in crocodile tears an arguments with my bf cos he 'just wanted to chill at the weekends and get no grief an didnt want to feel bad towards his son'! So cos of the arguments i backed off, even though as a mum i knew he should have boundaries. Whenever i did pursue the toilet problems every single weekend and question why he hasnt been taken to the doctors i just got backlashes. His ex apparently took him to docs an first it was a 'hernia' then he brought medicine one week that was for constipation, a year old and just a spoonful missing! The final straw was when my ex told me his ex gives him a laxative every friday night!

    We had a hugeeeee row cos i am concerned about the child's health but everyone else seems to be burying their head in the sand. Because of the vindictive backlashes i got from my ex i decided to back off, which is hard when that child is in my home every week! Iv tried offering my bf to take him to the docs himself but thst didnt work.The other issue is that overall the child is spoilt, which, is none of my business but my bf lets him stay up til 11pm every sat night when hes with us and i resent this because, like i said, dont begrudge him time with his son, but we hardly get 'our time' as it is. I've tried to discuss this constructively and im made to feel bad for it. - ' i rushed my son to bed because of you......i rush my son home early on a sunday because of you' even though the actual rrason is because he needs to do homework or another reason based on himself! he gets his back up an defensive because hes questioned and childish because he just wants to do what he wants an same with his child. Iv tried to give advice but he takes it in a different context, although im never pushy or interfering, just wanting to equal everything and have a happy balance for everyone.

    I just feel like im treading on eggshells every weekend an if i say anything towards his son he'll just turn it around an make me feel bad for asking. Although, after his son goes to bed late, he still expects me to give him 'bed time' so when i make an excuse he sulks an i know he does. He is a little childish an i understand as iv said to him that hes had a long time when its just been him an his son doing what they want but he seems to be the only person in the world that doesnt realise of future consequences this may all have, for him and his son and for us. I have tried everything now tried doing stuff as a family at weekends, i don’t step back cos i understand its hard for the boy, all the changes etc in the hope my bf will naturally start to consider me a bit more too and that im not being unreasonable but now feel like im being taken for granted and feel tearful every sunday when he leaves again!


    Any new tactics/advice etc pleeeeeeease!?

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    Hi there and welcome to the forum

    The first thing that sticks out to me is that his ex gives her Son a laxative every Friday night.... Do you know if there is a reason for this? Sounds very odd, and probably the cause of the diarrhea while he is with you on the weekends. Alot of kids eat and drink crap, and, as we all know, it's not healthy and not advisable. However, I wonder whether he has ANY healthy meals with lean proteins and vegetables at all? It's a very tricky situation since he is your bf's Son and it's hard to try and handle a situation when you'll probably be made to feel it's not your business.

    I wonder whether it's worth trying to cook some fun but healthy meals for all of you when he stays and experiment with stuff until you find something he likes, and is healthy? I'm sure all the high fat snacks also make him irritable and hyper active too. Sadly, it seems many Parents take the easy route (for them), because they just want an easy life,....meaning the child continues to get what he wants, even though it is not good for them (food choices and spoilt behaviour). If he always has poor food choices, both with your bf, and at his Mothers, it's no wonder that he has toilet trouble/constipation. If the laxative is suppose to be a substitute for a healthy diet, there is something very wrong with that picture.

    His Son going to bed late, is probably also due to the bad food choices, high sugar snacks etc. What about all of you spending some time doing something outside and fun to give him the exercise he needs which may also help him to sleep at better times.

    The other point I would like to make is that you shouldn't be made to feel that it is not your business. He made it your business when you moved in together. His Son stays with both of you, so it also affects you, and obviously is affecting your 'time' together too. Great idea to try doing things as a family so that you can all enjoy the time, rather than just him and boy, and you feeling like you're a spare part. That way, you could build your own relationship with his Son. What happened when you tried? Why was the idea rejected?
    -Peace
    Dan

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