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Thread: I need to protect myself

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    Default I need to protect myself

    Hello All,

    First post here, but its a respost from my troubles elsewhere and looking for a fresh perspective on it, if you dont mind.

    my girlfriend broke up with me just before Christmas, citing the 'need to protect herself' 'I'd never change' 'her feelings have changed' and that 'I'd never be able to put a kid first'.

    Shes bitter and resentful at me, due to my lack of commitment, we;ve been together 3.5 years and she wanted to move in with me for the last couple of years. Up until 3 years ago, I had never lived alone as I got very ill 8 years ago with a chronic illness, an illness which I still take a massive amount of medicaton for which knocks my immune system out.

    I of course now want to commit, and have written her long heartfelt letters explaining my feelings etc, she says she appreciates my feelings but that her feelings have changed and we can't be together, and she hadn't seen a future for us for a very long time, she said it was incredibly hurtful at the time, but is over it now, and 'couldn't imagine' getting back into a relationship where she would have to put up with my behaviour. I admit, my medication does make me snappy and angry, and since the break up I have gone to my Doctor to try and get help, she (and I) both think that I have been suffering from depression for quite a few years due to my illness / medication, so have been reffered to a psychiatrist, which my girlfriend now knows about. When I pushed her about, why she didn't talk to me about not seeing a future for a long time, she said it was impossibly hard to talk to me, as I snapped at everything, I hate myself for causing her pain and can see everything a lot more clearly now, I haven't been there enough, she was resentful about me not going to family things with her, out enough etc, I fully admit to all of this, but I think I was so scared of pushing myself and becoming sick again that I narrowed my horizons so much and retreated into my shell. No excuse I know, but thats the situation. I had to say to her yesterday we couldn't be 'friends' for a long while as I am in pieces over break up and we were talking a fair bit, often instigated by me, but not always, I'm getting help now, which she knows and so maybe my actions will show her theres a future for us. She also suffers the odd bout of Social Anxiety where she thinks people don't like her, so I was trying to impress upon her my behaviour wasn't against her as a person but due to whatever I was going through in my head, but it's still not helped.

    Not sure if theres anything further i can do other than space, but boy does it hurt, knowing you screwed up such a good thing, and hurt the person you loved.

    We met up just after Christmas, (the last time I saw her) to give her, her Christmas presents, she said I wasn't giving her time to miss relationship but later on in the evening, she said that we would defintiely never have anything romantic again despite having, one ridicuosly long lingering look, which when i pulled away from and got angry about, she said 'not to put words in her mouth' so I guess she knew we 'sahred a moment', and has hardened her stance lately. Having spoken to her the day before yesterday, she says her nerves are still frayed about our situation.


    Subsequently, I have been diagnosed with depression - Having gone to seek help after my Ex said I was angry and snappy all the time and it appears I have been siffering for some time as a result of anger at my condidtion. She knows this, but says her feelings aren't going to change. I've done the pleading, letters etc, and she says while she appreciates some of my behaviour wasn't my fault, and I shouldn't feel bad or regret anything, her feelings aren't going to change. However, The last contact we had, where I got out of her exactly when her feelings changed, I was rather strung out after a bad, anxious day at work, and she had posted a video on her facebook account with some harsh breakup lyrics, I asked her was that directed at me, she said no. We got off the phone and I sent her a long email to address her concerns about how committed I was to the relationship, and that I always saw a future for us. The day after that email, a load of maudlin love songs went up on her facebook, and in status updates and comments on her friends posts, she referrenced a couple of things I had said I liked about her in a long heartfelt letter I sent her. I asked her were those vids directed at me, and again she said no. Now obviously after I had asked the day before, it's either a very strong coincidence, not good form on her part judging by what I had already said I was reading into things. or something else.

    Having spoken to one of her friends, (via email as shes the other end of country) she said stop pushing things, as I am driving her further away, and there may be a chance to rekindle the relationship, if I stop questioning her decision, focus on sorting myself out, but I just don't know how much contact they would have been having

    Todays been very hard. Shes Bisexual, which I knew and I was cool about. We're still friends on Facebook, and shes been going to bisexual events and befriending a load of her flatmate (who is also Bi) friends and making new friends at these events, apart from one guy who she friended, who I presumed was gay as he and my ex have a mutual friend who is bi (I hope you are all still with me) but now I am in bits thinking they are getting together, although as I say all our pics are still up on her account. A good 50/60 or so, all our holiday snaps, and even flowers I sent her when we were good.

    I'm hoping against hope, the space is giving her the time to miss me, and want to start again, however slowly.

    Judging by a link on shiny shiny TV

    FB friends on your profile are actually people who have looked at your profile, and the last couple of days it's either been filled with her, or her friends, so I assume they are checking out my profile to see what I have been upto.

    Essentially FB is turning into a nightmare for me, as I keep thinking it means something, when in reality it probably doesn't.

    The last time we met up she said, she doesn't ever want to hear about any of my new relationships, and I said the same, as it would be too weird, and 'game playey' on both our sides, so I can't imagine she would be doing stuff in my view as it were on facebook.

    I presumed after her flatmate said she was trying to keep busy, she was just meeting you people to have space, find out what she wanted and what have you, but it does appear shes moving further and further away from me, and I realise theres nothing I can do, and it hurts.

    As I say the last time email I sent her (and last communication we had) addressed a load of things that she said were the issue, the next day, the Feist song went up on her FB and a load (well two) of her comments on FB while not directed at me, referrenced things in a letter I sent her not long after we split up. I'm so confused. The rational side of my head sees that it probably means absolutley nothing as they weren't anything direct just things I said I liked about her, and what she used to call me, but then the hopeful (deluded?) side of me, thinks its a sign to just give her time. I want to move on, but at the same time, I thought she was the girl I was going to marry, and I just can't put those feelings aside so easily.

    I think I am just writing this down for some release so I don't contact her (it's been shy of 3 weeks since we spoke) and so am looking for some fresh advice, and I can't talk to my friends about ALL of this, as I wouldn't want to betray her confidence about certain aspects of her life (I am sure you can guess)

    Thanks a million

    I hope this makes sense as I cribbed some of my replies in my thread on Loveshack into this one, please ask for clarification


    We were still friends on Facebook and I had my suspicions about a chap she added in the beginning of January, and I pushed her on it last night, and she has said she has started seeing him

    She says she misses my friendship but thats it, Shes glad its over as she has her freedom and life back as she was always running over to my place which is the other side of the city.

    Shes had a lot of time to think and her mind hasn't changed at all. She said We were close and spent a lot of time together but her feelings haven't changed about us splitting.

    She says its extremeley early days with him and not too serious.

    She didnt want to speak on the phone with me as shes stressed enough as it is, so she said not tonight. I said all her photos of us are still up, and she said it would be his problem if he couldnt handle that. I said she couldnt just throw 4 years away like that and she said that she could as she has her freedom and life back but not because she has met someone new and thats its completely over from her point of view and she cant be more unequivocal that we had good times and from her point of view a lot of bad times

    'Sorry but I remember alot of bad things, I remember the good things but I'm glad
    it's over'

    'it's completely over, I'm so sorry for the pain that
    causes you but I can't be more unequivocal.'

    I told her to think about us and she said 'problem is it isn't going to change my mind.'

    I cant believe not a month ago we had an email back and forth with her saying she told me what she wanted in the relationship i.e moving in together and committment and now she is saying she has got her freedom back as she doesn't have to travel over to mine all the time, the place she wanted to move into. I said this, and she says now that it would have been a mistake


    Thanks a lot for any advice given. Cheers

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    Default

    Hello Abrakedabra,

    I'm sorry for what you are going thru but I think you should really get yourself together asap.
    She told you before that you should stop pushing things, because you are driving her further away, so that's what you should do!

    Stop asking if she posted a song or a video on Facebook for you. Stay away from Facebook! Delete her profile and disappear from her life.
    Your entire post is about what she said or not. Please do not focus on her anymore, start working on yourself, your depression and your health.
    I know your doing this already but I think you won't be able to do it if your focus on her beside you.

    Please please start NC right now. You need to protect YOURSELF!!!!!!

    Time and only time will tell if you 2 can get back together but not until you start letting go and focus on you.

    Good luck!
    Sorry for my bad english but it's not my native lenguaje:o

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    Hello, Abrakedabra, and welcome to the forum.

    I think you need to listen to your ex's friend: stop pushing her so much because you're pushing her away. It sounds as though she's made up her mind, and that she's been very clear with you - several times - that she stands by her decision to break up. Believe me, I know how painful it is to have someone you loved leave you, but at the same time, do you love her enough to give her the space and freedom that she clearly wants?

    You seem VERY fixated on her, what she's doing, who she's with, etc. right now. It's natural to feel that way, but think about it this way: what control do you have over her? Her feelings? Her thoughts? Her actions? None. That lack of control is usually what makes us panic so much. But instead of focusing on this, focus on what you CAN control: you. I'm glad you're seeking help for the problems you've been suffering in the past few years, but you don't seem as focused on getting a handle on them as much as you're focused on your ex. Don't do this to yourself - it's going to keep you in that rut.

    And I agree with Romi - leave Facebook alone! It's tempting, I know, but it seems like every time you see something from her on there, or from mutual friends, it sets you back. Delete her if you have to, or if you have too many mutual friends, stay off of Facebook until you get yourself together. Badgering her about the meanings behind her posts on Facebook is not a healthy or a mature way to deal with this (it is only Facebook, after all).

    If she is glad to be on her own, then let her be on her own. Remember: If you don't do anything, then you can't screw anything up.
    "Are tangerines really just oranges that didn't want it enough?" - Random Greeting Card

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    Hi,

    Thanks both for the replies. You are both completely right of course, but I can't quite believe shes gone.

    I also find it hard to believe that the day after I said I was reading into something she posted on facebook, the very next day a load of maudlin love songs come up. I appreciate she can do what she wants, but surely she must have realised what I would read into them.

    I have got rid of her and all her friends from my facebook now, as I know she doesn't want me in her life that way anymore, but I can't believe that this new thing is not a rebound thing, to deal with the pain from our split. She was the girl I thought I was going to marry, which is what I am finding so hard.

    EDIT: And also I'm rather annoyed that she still has a load of stuff round mine, which she didn't want to get back as her nerves are frayed from the situation, yet she has been carrying on with someone, leaving it to be a reminder for me.

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    Hi there and welcome to the forum,

    I'm sorry that you are going through this, and trust me when I say that I totally know how you're feeling. One of the things you need to bear in mind here is that this is totally raw for you, your head is absolutely all over the place and your emotions in utter turmoil. It is next to impossible to think straight and make rational decisions when you are in so much emotional pain. All you want is answers and to be inside her head and heart to try and make sense of everything. Sadly that cannot happen, but the one thing you absolutely cannot do is make assumptions.

    Facebook coupled with a breakup is equal to the devil in my opinion. We sit and scrutinise every little move they (ex's) make, every person they become friends with, every picture they post and every status update made. We look for hidden meanings in EVERYTHING and assume absolutely everything is about us. I did the same thing, and I think we all do. We wind ourselves up into a frenzy over things we've assumed. Facts are, very little, if anything will be aimed at you. I am glad to read that you've removed her from your friends list so that this doesn't continue.

    I thought I would marry my ex too, I truly believed she was 'the one'. It stings like hell, I know. The new guy could well be a rebound, but it's her choice and only she can come to that realisation. My ex was with and moving in with someone new less than a month after she was pledging undying love to me. I had the same thoughts as you and would not believe that it wasn't a rebound.

    She also left alot of 'stuff' around mine. I left stuff at hers too, but resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't see it again. My advice to you is to pack it all away in a box or a bag, and out of sight. You don't have to throw it away, you just don't need those daily reminders. She may have left them at yours, but she isn't forcing you to look at them everyday.

    Stay strong my friend, and know that we are here if you need us.
    -Peace
    Dan

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    Thanks for all the kind words mate. Makes a lot of sense, and feel better for it. Cheers.

    Not that it matters now, just find it hard that she could do it the day after I said I was reading loads into what she had already done.

    Also made a few comments and status updates that referenced things I had said in a letter to her - Not directly but yeah, anyway doesn't matter. She off me facebook now.

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    I understand mate, this crap isn't easy by a long shot, but you can make it as bearable as possible by not doing all the things to remind you of her and going over what she did/said etc. I know it's practically impossible to do, but if you catch yourself, try and stop it right then before it tears you apart all over again.

    If she was directing Facebook updates at you, then even more reason to have removed her. You really don't need headf@#ks as well as everything else you're trying to deal with right now.
    -Peace
    Dan

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    Cheers man.

    I'm not sure what it is, but I feel massively, massively better tonight. Whether it's the antidepressents kicking in, reading everything I have read, finally letting go or what, but after a pig of a day I feel much improved.

    I still want her back, but it doesn't hurt nearly as much tonight.

    Long may it last, and that fella is a rebound and she comes to her senses. Hahaha.

    Shes incredibly stubborn and says I have too big a personality sometimes, and she felt like she couldn't have her say, so we shall see, but I know I'm gonna do fine either way

    EDIT: I was chatting to a female colleague about all of this last week as she DID post nasty music vids on facebook for her ex last week, fully with the intention of giving it another go with him but slowly, so sheesh it's not out of the realms of possibility my Ex did too.

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    Your moods will swing like the wind. You'll have good days and bad days, but fight through the storm mate, you'll get through it.

    As hard as it is, try not to assume stuff, and as Kel mentioned before, only focus on the things you CAN change. You can't change her, or how she feels, or who she is with etc, so try not to tie yourself in knots thinking about it.

    Stay strong buddy,
    -Peace
    Dan

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    Yeah been a bit more of an up and down day. Keep thinking of scenarios where she'll call me to talk after something I've said. Managing to mostly keep them at bay though. Annoyed that she mentions freedom back now. I'm in far more of a position to go over hers now and what have you, now I have tackled depression. Seems silly to make reasons like that when it should be based on love etc, although I guess she has said she doesn't love me anymore to.

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    Abrakebabra,

    As others have said, welcome to theLoveLogic.


    The one thing I would like to know is why now? Why after almost four years do you want her now? She is asking herself the same question I assume. The main thing to do right now is try and put yourself in HER shoes for a few minutes. I know this is going to be difficult. To cut to the chase, you gave several excuses why YOU didn't commit or tried to find validation in your illnesses and overall health.

    Did she love you before you made these excuses? I believe she did. If you look at the situation and ask yourself why she won't come back to you, ask yourself why would she? Your actions have been telling her, "I love you but only on MY terms". If you loved, really loved someone, and they didn't commit to you after even two years, would you wait until they changed their mind. In my opinion, she gave up. Your words are just words to her now. You actions were screaming "No way"...but now your words fall on deaf ears.


    Let get a little bit more honest... (this may sting a bit but I hope you to learn from it )


    Let's say your ex is now on the dating scene and maybe meets a nice guy and after 8 months of dating, he asks her to move in. This is of course an example but ask youself this: "How would that make me look in her eyes?" It doesn't mattter what she does now because you guys have separated. Alll I am trying to do is open your eyes to what she was thinking when she left. Once you are able to see yourself through her eyes, it can truly make the difference.

    ALWAYS remember.... Your actions will ALWAYS speak louder than your words.



    We are here to help. I am sorry about your current situation but I know we have the best members on the planet to help you on your way to getting YOU back.



    Take care of you,


    SuperDave71


    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Blimey that's cut to the quick you are completely right. I can see why she doesn't trust my words but it truly was that I felt I needed some time to live on my own as I had never lived on my own and thought when we did move in together that would be it we would live together for the rest of our lives. Christ I have hurt her and it bloody hurts that I have and there's nothing I can do to solve it or make her realise it was never a negative against her it was me needing to have the time that most people have before they settle down. She has said she wanted to move in and look after me and it felt like a slap in the face to her Jesus I feel really rather small about now

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    Please understand my intent is NOT to hurt you nor kick you when you are down but merely allow you to see your own story from another perspective. Problem solving sometimes takes look at the same problem from different perspectives in order to see it a bit more clearly. It's hard to truth sometimes with rose colored glasses.


    We are here to listen and help you.



    Take care,


    SuperDave71
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    Another quick question if you don't mind...

    You stated in your above post that:

    that I felt I needed some time to live on my own as I had never lived on my own and thought when we did move in together that would be it we would live together for the rest of our lives.

    Did you share this information with her? Were you 100% open and honest with her from the beginning about your intentions?



    I just wanted to be clear.



    Thanks in advance,


    SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Dave,

    I don't think that at all. My problem at the moment is knowing I have hurt and continued to hurt the person I loved, and made her own issues worse. I can see that my words mean very little to her at present (if not forever) and it makes me incredibly sad.

    The situation between us is terrible, my issues got in our way, and may have contributed to her own feelings of insecurity. I know I need to let that go, as I know deep down I never meant to hurt her, but it really hurts me to know I hurt someone special, and I can truly say I didn't see myself doing it. I got caught up in my own health stuff (which to be fair to me was massive) 10 -15 years prior to my diagnosis 90% of people died from what I had. It took 8 weeks of hospitalisation to DIAGNOSE what I had, so maybe the issues we both bought to the relationship were to much to get over. I'm writing out all of my feelings to her again (Not necesscarily with the view to send it) but I am trying desperately to make her understand, that it wasn't about her (perhaps it should have been) but it hurts so bad, that by and large my actions caused this.

    Thanks for giving your view, it may not be want I want to hear but it's certainly what I need to hear. I;ve been baffled as to why she wouldn't accept my words, but I can see now why would she as my actions were so different to what was coming out of my mouth.

    I know I need to be less hard on myself, but sheesh it hurts knowing I have hurt someone special. The fact that she keeps saying 'don't worry about' 'stop worrying or regretting it' just makes it all worse.

    EDIT: TO answer your post, yes I did. I told her I needed time on my own for a while. she was staying around mine 4/5 nights a week so it wasn't like I was pushing her away. I asked her time and time again to come around and stay as long as she liked, which I think was my way of testing the waters to move in. When we have talked once we broke up, she said I wanted my freedom, and I said to her that was not fair as what freedom did I have, I was home most nights, it wasn't like I was going out partying when she wasn't there.

    EDIT EDIT: We had a big row in towards the end of July of 2010, where I felt backed into a corner where she again bought up moving in and I stupidly said maybe we don't have a future as I thought I still needed more time, and she has said that was the moment things changed. I realise how stupid I was, but I was really, really ill at that point and she was piling on more pressure at a low point in my life, I realise she was right to do that but I wish I could change what I said, maybe I didn't impress upon her how serious I was at that point

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