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Thread: I need to protect myself

  1. #16
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    One thing I am struggling with is when i pushed her in why we split up it was because her feelings had changed and that she didn't think I'd ever change. Now I can appreciate that her feelings could have changedcmore by now but as far as me changing how is she going to see the change in me if I'm not given the opportunity. Things that for years I've assumed were illness related were actually because of the depression and I am feeling a lot better and more positive as a result so things in the short term would have been a lot better

    also when I spoke to her she said their were good times and to her a LOT of bad times I certainly don't see it that way the majority of the relationship was good she just seems so angry about everything perhaps as I haven't given her space but even so we went to Paris last two of her birthdays on many other hols as well she almost seems to only remember the bad

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    I realise I'm over thinking things but this is all what's going through my brain I have relatively noisy neighbours upstairs and when we broke up she was sobbing we never slept together meaning in same bed rather than sex. In the week when I needed to get up early for work I slept in front quiter bedroom but in crappy futon which hurt my girlfriends back hence she stayed in proper bed as she was heavy sleeper and could tolerate noise doc reckons it was my depression that made me so noises sensitive but she bought this up as an issue when we split yet didn't while we were together


    It just seems on many levels she felt unloved by me and it hurts as I love and loved her so much I realise I can't assume anything but I just wish I knew where the feelings from my perhaps poor behaviour began and what was her social anxiety playing tricks on her

  3. #18
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    Mate, ultimately the work you do on yourself is FOR YOU. The only way she is going to see the change in you is by you living and breathing that change. Don't just say it, DO IT. Noone can change overnight, it takes time. She knows that, and we all know that, so by proclaiming "I've changed" is going to do nothing at all but cause you more frustration. A phrase you'll hear alot here is 'Actions Speak Louder Than Words'. Never were that statement more profound than for you right now my friend.


    Once you are working on those changes and reach a point where you have attained that goal, your perspective will have changed dramatically. Whether 'she' or another benefits from the new you, remains to be seen, but the most important person to benefit from the new you, is......you.

    Also remember that science has proven that 2 people can see and experience exactly the same situation, yet describe it in completely different ways. Just because you don't think it was all bad, doesn't mean (right now) that it's not all she sees. Again, time changes perspective once raw wounds have healed.

    Sadly regardless of the reasons for her feeling unloved (if that is the case), what's done is done. You cannot go back and change what happened, so somehow you need to hold on to the strong lessons and make those changes in yourself.
    Last edited by Dan72; 02-20-2011 at 06:28 AM.
    -Peace
    Dan

  4. #19
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    Cheers man if she'd cheated or something like that this would all be no problem it's the knowing that I have hurt her that's killing me. When we met up before Xmas we were laughing and joking and she let her guard down now she is being so cold and I wish I knew wether it was because I keep pushing or she's trying to shield herself from the hurt hence the new guy etc when I was phoning her she'd always answer when we spoke on fb she was always interested in my progress with the shrink. I realise i guess I'm not listening to what she's saying but man alive I just don't know how to cope with losing her. I can see the wood for the trees and know there will be other people but it hurts that her breaking up with me has caused me to address my failings and she's not going to benefit from the changes I want to give her everything she wanted and I can't now.

    It all just seems to raw for her now and she's blocking it out

  5. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Abrakebabra View Post
    it hurts that her breaking up with me has caused me to address my failings and she's not going to benefit from the changes I want to give her everything she wanted and I can't now.
    Man, I so know how you feel, I remember those exact same feelings. But think of the incredible benefit TO YOU from the changes. Think of the amount of lessons in this that will mean you (hopefully) will not repeat mistakes made. Who knows what the future holds eh? Don't assume all is lost, but also don't assume she will come back. The truth is, noone knows, probably not even her. But the GREAT part about this is that the best possible chance you have of her coming back is the work on yourself. There is nothing more powerful than a man of his word. By working on yourself and getting YOU back, you convey a very strong message without needing to actually say anything at all. The proof is in the pudding so they say.

    Like I said, what's done is done. I know it hurts but you cannot continue to torture yourself by what you should/shouldn't have done or said. All you can do is protect your heart (complete NC), and work on YOU. Try not to confuse her caring about your welfare to her wanting you back. This is another reason why you need complete NC. It is then impossible for you to misinterpret her actions/words. As hard as it is, you really need not to push her AT ALL. Scrict NC takes care of all of that stuff. The more you push, the further she will be from you. The more you torture yourself, you open the flood gates to all kinds of further torture. Trust me, I've been there and it 'aint pretty.

    Don't assume what she is doing or how she is dealing with it. I assumed my ex was blocking it too, pinned my hopes on that in fact, hoping that eventually she wouldn't be able to block it anymore and come running back. Didn't happen. All I did was delay my own healing by holding onto false hope.

    Why does it hurt so much? Because lessons worth learning are NEVER easy, and if it were easy, we wouldn't learn the lesson. Seriously buddy, you have to stick with strict NC, keep yourself as busy as possible, don't sit in all alone and torture yourself, work on all the things you need to and stay strong. I promise, it DOES get easier, but you have to want to feel better and get over this.

    Interesting point about forcing you to face your failings. I think this is a very strong reason why you are struggling too. I read somewhere once that we are actually drawn to people who are able to teach us things about ourselves. I learnt more about myself from my breakup with my ex, than any other single moment in my life.....and it was also the most painful time I can remember.

    We've all been where you are and completely empathise with how you're feeling mate, please know that you WILL be ok, infact, you'll be GREAT. Once you've dealt with your demons you'll be in a tremendous place and ready to face the world again. Until that time, sadly you need to ride the storm.

    We're here if you need us,
    Last edited by Dan72; 02-20-2011 at 08:10 AM.
    -Peace
    Dan

  6. #21
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    Cheers dude this all makes me feel loads better so thanks an awful lot I'm really just writing down thoughts I have rather than bombard her.

    As far as the believing she's not dealing with it is that I have wrote reams and reams of heartfelt letters and emails and have got little in return I appreciate she doesn't owe me anything but we had what I thought was a fairly adult relationship and thought she would be able to reply If not in the same depth at least similar. Maybe i am projecting what I thought she was like onto her.

    It's also just about the massive changes to my life that'll happen now holidays will be different as have to go with mates and there's less single ones of them left feeling like the gooseberry in a load of couples all very strange, which is why I think she's on the rebound I'm facing the practical stuff but she's trying to gloss over it. I realise I can't assume what ever she us doing and can only change my situation not our situation but can't stop my mind wandering

  7. #22
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    And yes I am Reading far too much into this rather than listening to what she has said but I just cannot believe someone who is so adament we are through and who is seeing someone else can have so many pics of us up on her facebook. There were more pics up on her fb of me than there is of me on my own account. Pics from 5 or 6 hols pics of me with her pics of me on my own. If I was getting into something else I would have removed all pics of anyone else

  8. #23
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    Hi there!
    You are doing better. Keep on writing what your thinking and about your mistakes in the relationship and then talk about this in counceling. This really helped me get thru my break up.
    Keep doing NC and be sure that if you contact her you will be pushing her away.

    Finally I can feel, a month and a half later so much better. Actually I'm feeling GREAT! But improving myself and NC took me to this peaceful time. You will get there if you do the same and also, if there's any chance for reconciliation in the future (NOT now) you will be in a better place for this.

    Again time will tell.

    Hugs,
    Romi
    Sorry for my bad english but it's not my native lenguaje:o

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    Oh and STAY AWAY FROM FACEBOOK. YOU AND YOUR THOUGHTS!!
    Sorry for my bad english but it's not my native lenguaje:o

  10. #25
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    Glad you're doing better Romi

    Abrakebabra, no more letters or emails to her ok? All of this stuff will push her further away, it really will, and down the line you'll regret doing it.

    Romi is dead right about Facebook, stay away! You're making assumptions about the pics because you would behave in a different way. This may sting, but some of my exes have pics of me in their Facebook too, why? Well because they are memories. They don't take them down because they are indifferent to me, they aren't painful to them, just pics. Also try to remember that it was her that broke up with you, therefore she will not be dealing with the agonising pain of heartbreak the way you are.

    I remember making the assumption that she was going through the same pain as I was. The reality was very different. I think she was actually more relieved to get away from me! While I was crying into my pillow night after night, somehow believing that if I cried enough, she'd come back. That if I reached the peak of agonising heartbreak by torturing myself enough, she'd return. She wasn't coming back regardless of how much I tortured myself, so why the hell was I doing that?! Things changed very fast once I realised that fact. She was happily getting on with her life (and new man), while I was kidding myself she was going through hell too.

    The song lyric by The Script is extremely accurate,.. "When a heart breaks it don't break even..."
    -Peace
    Dan

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    Cheers chaps. Small confession I sent her 'one last email' yesterday morning apologising for lack of commitment told her she was right to break up with me, wished her well in her new thing and asked her to leg go of any nasty things I said and not to take any baggage from our thing with her. Certainly felt like a moving on email from me let's hope I can stick to it

  12. #27
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    You MUST stick to it. If you've done 'The last email', anything further will just look pathetic. You can't say goodbye then keep going back, you will be proving to her that you don't stick to your word. Enough now matey. The other problem with sending emails or letters or texts is that the only person it affects is YOU. She will most likely ignore, skip through or even delete them without reading them. You on the other hand (again, been there - done it!), will constantly wonder:

    a) If she got it & was she happy to get it
    b) If she's read it yet, and if not, when will she
    c) How it made her feel
    d) What faces she pulled whilst reading it
    e) What she thought before, during and after reading it
    f) If she'll respond and what she'll say
    g) Did she delete right after?
    h) Did she read it more than once?
    i) Did she file it in a 'Me' folder?
    j) Did she, at any point reading it miss me and regret the break up?

    Etc, etc... I could go on forever but you get my drift. The point is, A-J are all focus on HER, and you will go through all of those (and more!), hundreds of times a day for every letter, email and text. Oh, and along with that, you'll probably re-read your email/letter/text a hundred MORE times to see if you worded it correctly and then beat yourself up over something you've missed or shouldn't have said. That's one hell of alot of unneccesary torture!
    -Peace
    Dan

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    Yeah this will be the last for allthe reasons you've said cheers chaps you really are helping

  14. #29
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    Think I'm in angry mode been a week since she said would it help if she came and picked up rest of stuff and she's made no attempt to. Appreciate it's a minor thing but it's narked me

  15. #30
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    Mate, deep breath, pack up all her belongings, put it out of sight and try not to think any more about 'stuff'. This is one time when assumption is fine, make the assumption that she will not be collecting it and let it go. Remember to only do the things that will help you heal. Looking at it all and expecting her to turn up isn't helpful at all. Packing it away and getting on with getting YOU back is the only way forward.

    She is taking care of herself, and part of that is probably NOT to come around and collect her belongings. Now it's time for you to take care of YOURSELF and part of THAT is not worrying about what she does and doesn't do. Just because she said she'd do something, other than being unreliable, she is under no obligation to follow through with it. She is not making you angry, you are making yourself angry by thinking she is obligated to stick to her word. She broke your heart, her words mean nothing my friend. Take care of YOU.
    -Peace
    Dan

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