I need to protect myself

[Dan72]

Just remembered something about my ex's 'stuff'.

She dumped me in Oct 2008. After a few weeks of wailing and crying into her clothes and holding them against me when I slept (god, did I really do that?!), I packed them all away and hid them at the bottom of a cupboard. 2 weeks ago I had to clear out my bedroom as I was having new carpet fitted and guess what I found? It made me chuckle a little that I had completely forgotton it was there, smile that it meant nothing to me anymore, and feel proud that I threw it away without a second thought. Don't get me wrong, it didn't take over 2 years to get to this point (!), it's just that I had forgotton it existed. To go from sleeping with it and somehow making it so precious to me, to throwing it out should tell you something about how much feelings change.

[Abrakebabra]

Yeah it is all packed away just narked that she suggested getting it to help me move on and then she's not bothered to even feel me out about picking it up it's spare glasses lots of clothes so she does want to get it. I dunno maybe it's me thinking she's keeping from doing it to keep me hanging on which is pretty silly as it's just that it's not that important to her to get em. Still clinging on to silly hope still need to stop

[Dan72]

I don't think she's doing it for any reason other than that the stuff isn't important enough to re-open the wounds and potentially spark more upset. Try to let go of the hope mate, as long as you're holding on to it, it will be harder for you to move on.

[Abrakebabra]

Just want to say a heartfelt thanks for all replies and advice it is greatly appreciated!

Just feel angry about it all and disappointed while I don't assume I am owed anything from her but what with what she knows about me and the illness I feel I need more answers from her and some compassion I realise I have hurt her but she knew all about my situation and health throughtout the relationship and the loss of my 'manleness' It gave me she's been so cold when I have looked for answers I appreciate she was hurting but might not be now so she could at least reply to my email and try and give me some sort of answers or closure. It just makes me think she is still hurting from it all and can't do it. They thought I had testicular cancer at the start of my hosp stay and removed one as a result she knows I struggle with that and the fact I had to bank some of my little fellas due to the medication so may nit be able to have a kid naturally as a result all of this is playing on my mind not in the self confidence sense but in the sense she's been thinking about all of this stuff.

[SuperDave71]

You must remember that she has known you for years. You are making excuses for your behavior with your illness AFTER the fact. I AGAIN, am not trying to be cruel here. Love is love with our without sickness. In my opinion, you are looking for a reason she left you and finding comfort in your OBVIOUS illness rather than looking in the mirror and just being honest with yourself and say "I am at fault".

We have all been there Abrakebabra. We have all tried to find excuses for our own behavior because an excuse or rather an explanation as to why someone left us for another is easier to to accept when it is something rather than someone. (yourself).


Please understand that I have NO DOUBT she had her own faults in the relationship and do not blaming you 100% on her decision to leave but I am only hearing what YOU wrote. My advice is based off of what I do know about your situation rather that what I assume I know.

The best thing to do for closure right now is to demonstrate to her that you DO love her by leaving her alone. It is easier to think of it this way:

If you do nothing, nothing can go wrong (make matters worse). The more you try to do to fix things, the more you are going to find resentment from her.


As I said before, when you are giving her the attention she wanted years ago AFTER the break, how do you think YOU look to her AFTER she left you?


Do yourself a favor, let the dust settle my friend. I know it's hard. We have ALL been exactly where you are. The more you force something, the easier it breaks.



We are here to listen and we appreciate you sharing your current situation with us.



Take care my friend,



SuperDave71

[Abrakebabra]

Yeah I appreciate how I am coming across. I will try and let the dust settle. I realise how that last post came across, I know it was my lack of commitment was the main cause it's just that there has been so many secondary reasons when we have talked since. I thought she knew how committed I was but she obviously didn't and I have tried to make her realise too much since she told me when we met up to stop as she knew how much she meant to me and I didn't stop and have made things worse. It's just that I have so much else going on. I know excuses, excuses I'm sure she sees that about me and it's everyone and everything elses fault and maybe she has given me plenty of leeway in the past. I just wish I hadn't wrecked things. I had to be selfish when I was seriously Ill and I think it carried over to much into our relationship which is what all of the 'I couldn't put a kid first' talk was about. I know this is almost certainly unrecoverable and it hurts. I just wish she wasn't the one I had to make these mistakes with to realise. She is\ was so special to me

[SuperDave71]

Hey now...Do you think you are the ONLY person that has ever been guilty of excuses? Nooooo way! We have ALLLLLLL been there. No one is here to beat you up. We are here to help you GET YOU Back. Do your best NOT to look back and say "I should have"... Look to the future and say "I'll never do that again".



Take care,


SuperDave71

[Abrakebabra]

Yeah I know it's just that I went from living with my parents and being cared for by them until 28 then feeling I had to live on my own for a while to find my level as far as looking after myself and in the process I've pushed away the girl I've lived it's so terribly hard to have pushed someone so special away especially with her own inaecuritiescim sure I've made them worse.

[Dan72]

What's done is done, again, torturing yourself with this stuff helps noone, especially not you.

As Dave has said, do nothing more and have no more contact with her, that way you cannot make anything worse.

[Abrakebabra]

Yeah I'm just struggling to let it all go my reticence I think was that I felt pushed and after having no control over my life for so long I pulled away exactly what's happening in reverse now I just am struggling to try and make peace with myself now about it all now

[Abrakebabra]

Ouch. Just ouch. Don't worry, not done ought but just ouch

[OhManINeedCoffee]

Ah, been there, buddy. I know exactly where you're coming from.

Hang in there.

[Abrakebabra]

It would be different, if I hadn't made the mistakes I made. I said in my last email to her, I wish there was someone before her, who I could have made the mistakes on as she was so special to me. I realise that may make me sound cold, as I would have hurt someone regardless, but it hurts so much knowing I have hurt her, and I was blind to it. Whatever excuse that was, being consumed by the illness, the depression, being far less experienced in matters of the heart than her. I don't know just hurts that I hurt someone special and I couldn't see it. I hope in time she realises it wasn't deliberate.

Thanks for the words of concern.

[Abrakebabra]

Also just want to say a sincere thanks to all who've offered advice. You don't know me, and you have unconditionally helped me. Thanks. Theres a virtual pint for any of you, and a real one (or equivalent) if our paths should cross.

Dan, if you see a slightly hard looking shaved headed dude bringing you a pint in a pub sometime, don't run, it's for you! You didn't spill me pint

[Abrakebabra]

Arggghgh. I'm being eaten up with the guilt of things I've done (or not done). I realise I need to let it go, but with hindsight, I guess I wasn't there for whatever reason. I feel empty. It's eating me up. Shes not got back to my email of a week ago where I apologised for all the things I;ve done, I don't think it would help if she did anyway, but I just need her to understand. Maybe shes got over it and it's no big deal for her, but I am gutted that I have messed things up. Yes she should have probably spoken to me more about it, but if she felt she couldn't then thats on me to. Just feeling, very, very low today.

I've never cheated, cooked all meals and loved cooking for her, always thought I was supportive and listened to a lot of her problems and thought I helped, but maybe I have contributed to her Social Anxiety. I just don't know how to let it all go.