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Thread: My son(17) has not spoken to his sister(14) in almost 2 years

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    Default My son(17) has not spoken to his sister(14) in almost 2 years

    When my kids were younger they got along fine. Except for a few little fights like all siblings have, everything was good. The older they got the more they started to fight until the fights became daily and more and more violent.
    My son is introvert and my daughter extrovert and they are complete opposites of each other in everything(except they are both very messy)

    Almost two years ago they were in a fight and I was sure my son was going to kill his sister. He kept pounding her with his fists with all his strength, kicking her and choking her. Needless to say I took her side and told him that he couldn't handle his sister that way, no matter what the reason was especially her being a girl and being 3 years younger than him.

    He swore that day he would never talk to her again and that in his mind he didn't have a sister anymore. I didn't take it seriously and thought they would talk again after he cooled down, so I left it at that.

    But he has kept his promise and hasn't talked to her to this day. He uses me as a messenger if he wants to tell her something (e.g. TV is too loud, She sings too loud, He needs the computer when she's on it etc.)
    At first I was relieved they lived in the same house without the constant fighting and I think it was the main reason I didn't encourage them to make up.

    I have to admit I find it easier to love my son because my daughter can really drive you crazy, but she has her good side too.
    I have spoken to him about making up a few times now and even asked my ex husband to try to have them make up last New years but all attempts have failed.
    I have asked my family what to do. Some say to leave it alone, it will blow over, it's a teenage thing, It will pass when he gets older. Some say I have to force them to make up, but I'm not sure if either of them are good advice.

    My son has now taken the same attitude against everybody he dislikes, even his grandmother, a few other family members and two younger nephews. Once you’re on his black list he treats you as if you don't exist anymore and than they complain to me about him that he's rude. And they are right.

    He has a good social life with lots of long term friends and everybody likes him, It's just this behaviour that I don't know what to do about.
    Last edited by Tiggerinlondon; 01-09-2009 at 12:11 PM.

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    Silverstar,

    In reading this I feel your son has anger management issues, I do not know what caused him to use his "fists", etc.. on his sister but the reason makes no difference plain and simple he shouldn't of done it....

    He may have some underlying issues that your not aware of. Have you thought about getting him into counseling?

    xxSPHYNXxx



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    Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.

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    Yes, I had even made an appointment for him but he refused to go. He got angry with me and I couldn't force him to go.

    I do know it must be an underlying issue but he doesn't talk easily about his problems (introvert)and surely not with me. (his mother!?) I think it's his way of dealing with problems. Avoid the cause that gives you problems (kind of the NC way) and you don't have to deal with it.
    I don't approve of it myself but I don't know how to solve it.
    Last edited by Tiggerinlondon; 01-09-2009 at 12:13 PM.

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    And I understand not being easy to talk about problems but one cannot go around using fists, choking, etc.. or they end up in jail.

    He is 17 years old, and as his mother you can nudge him to seek the help he needs, if not you then who? He is very angry, what the root of the anger is, we do not know. You as his mother are trying to help him seek that help for exactly the reason you stated..."he doesn't talk easaly about his problems (introvert)and surely not with me. (his mother!?) I think it's his way of dealing with it"...also, with him being 17, if he ends up "exploding" on someone again, you as the adult, he the minor will be responsible as well.

    Maybe what you may consider is seeking a counselor yourself to help you with the overall situation.

    I wish you all well.

    xxSPHYNXxx



    Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, then it's not the end

    Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.

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    Yes, I think I will try that. Thanks for your advise

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    Your welcome and I hope it helps...

    xxSPHYNXxx



    Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, then it's not the end

    Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.

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    Wow. Talk about taking NC to the extreme. I really don't have much advice other then that I'd suggest trying not to be the "messenger" anymore. If he needs the computer or thinks she's too loud he should learn how to communicate in a calm healthy way. Just because he doesn't get along with her or other family members doesn't mean that you have to be put in the middle and listen to his complaining. Atleast, that's the way I see it.

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    Thanks Thatdoggirl,

    I have been doing that in the beginning- not being the messenger- to force him to say it to her himself and I only do it now if I myself think his sister (or the TV) is so loud that it even irritates me, or if he needs the computer for something important like schoolwork. But if I tell him to ask her himself he just say's "don't bother" and than he goes to his room and locks the door. He spend quite some time there with the door locked.

    I do like to give you some background information so you can better understand his behaviour, because I don't want you to think he's doing this out of the blue.

    When my husband and I were still married I was having a lot of problems especially at the end. We eventually separated and I moved back in with my parents because I didn't make enough money to rent anything and also take care of the kids. Although my son understood why I left, he felt very sad that his parents split up but he kept it all inside while his sister showed her emotions freely.

    My parents’ house just barely had extra room for the three of us so he got a tiny room for himself and I share the bigger room with my daughter, but the TV, computer, refrigerator, cardboard boxes with our stuff etc. are all packed in my room so it is pretty crowded too . I share the kitchen and dining room with my parents. I do have a private bathroom but the toilet is also shared since it is the only toilet downstairs. My parents promised they would build me a house soon so it was just temporarily. But the building of the house started two and a half years later. (6 months after my divorce was official) It is almost finished now, but I think it will take another 2 months before we can move in. We have been living on each others lips for 4 years now and them being teenagers as well could have been one of the reasons my son is acting like this.

    My mother has the generation gap. Everything was great in he beginning but after a while she herself had a problem with us being in her house longer than expected. She pretty much keeps to herself upstairs, and only talks to the kids when she has a complaint.

    This has made her into a grumpy, nagging, sour old woman in the eyes of my kids and also made me feel unwelcome and a burden to her. I can understand her though and I am still very thankful for all my parents have done for me, but that's why my son doesn't have warm feelings towards her and explains his NC with her.

    My ex didn't help either because he still blame's my mother and my brother's and their wives for me divorcing him because they supported me with housing and money so I could make the step.

    Without their help I could never have done it so they are on his black list and he is projecting his hate for them on my son whenever he is with my son.
    The things he did that eventually led to our divorce are not talked about of course. This brainwashing by my husband (who is an idol to my son) has done his job and that's why my son is doing the NC on my brothers, their wife's and my mother too. I have tried to repair some of the damage my husband has made, but my brother's wife's (who are sisters) have always openly showed their dislike (read:hate) of my ex and so did my mother after I left him so my son feels he has to take his fathers side.

    My ex-husbands behaviour overall has caused the dislike of him by my whole family, and my kids don't know the whole story. My ex has always been very good to his children and they both love him very much. No matter the mistakes he made he was always kind to them and they take his side against my family who treat him as an outcast. I can understand my family because he misbehaved himself terribly and he has brought this on himself, but now he can't understand why my family treats him this way and my son is angry at my family for treating his dad that way so he does the NC or LC on them.

    I hope everything will become a little better when I move to my own house.
    Last edited by Tiggerinlondon; 01-09-2009 at 12:16 PM.

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    Silverstar I was just checking in to see how things are going....

    xxSPHYNXxx



    Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, then it's not the end

    Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.

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    Thanks Sphynx,

    Things are still the same. I will soon be moving from my parents house to my own house. End of Dec. or beginning of Jan. I want to use this change to ask my son to also change his behavior towards his sister, and I'm going to use the bigger space an more privacy he will get there as a reason for him to be more tolerant towards her and ask him to speak to her again. I will also tell him that if he doesn't change I will seek professional help because it has been too long and I will not tolerate it any longer. I really hope the move will help.
    I know it will be a slow process but as long as I see he is trying I think it will be good.
    Last edited by Tiggerinlondon; 01-09-2009 at 12:19 PM.

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    Very good!

    I am sure you and both kids will be looking forward to your "own" place and the chance to live in a family unit atmosphere. I hope this encourages your son Silverstar, if not I agree with you in how you want to proceed...and it is with a positive attitude BRAVO.

    Thank you for the update, I hope it continues to get better.

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    Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.

    HUGS!

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    Silverstar,

    I stopped in to see how things going between the two kids? And how about in general...

    xxSPHYNXxx



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    Hi Sphynx,
    I have not been very active on the LL lately, busy with the finshing touches of my house. I think I'll be moving the last week of January. The kitchen and laundry appliances have been ariving and been installed and I have been having people over from the alarm compagny, the gas compagny, the electricity and airconditioning people, pestcontrol people etc. also been shopping for curtains and some bedroom furniture.

    My son is already living in the new house for two weeks so his bedroom had to be ready first. He is sleeping without curtains now, but he wants to be there anyway. Only comes to my parents house to eat, and than goes back there again. ( My parents house is right next door)

    I don't have internet in my new house yet. We are waiting because a new provider is comming on the market soon with a much better deal on internet conections. (faster, cheaper) but I think it will still be 2 more months before they start. So, if you don't hear much from me you'll know why. I'll only be able to go on the LL when I'm at work (if I have some free time .) My son is a real internet "junky", but still he prefers living there without internet. He does come over sometimes to download stuff on a memory stick and than he leaves again.

    My son has had a long talk with my youngest brother before Newyear and he spoke to him about why my son was avoiding him and other family members and although he was not very talkative about that, he did say what I allready assumed. He feels my family is against his dad and he is offended by the way my family treats his dad.
    When my brother asked why he was so hostile against his sister, he started to talk a lot more about what bothered him about that. My brother didn't want to loose my son's trust by telling us all back so I don't know much what he said but I have an idea from what he sometimes complained about to me about his sister. My brother said he tried to explain to my son that he and his sister are two difrent people and she acts diffrent but that doesn't mean she is bad.

    My son still doesn't talk to his sister but I noticed a little more patience and tollarance. I did tell him allready that I will not accept them not talking once we move, but I know they will not start talking from day one. It will be a slow process, and if it doesn't happen, I will look for profesional help.

    I was very glad my brother talked to him, especially since I didn't ask him to do it.
    He just did it one day when he was visiting my parents because he needed an answer for himself of why my son was avoiding him and other family members.
    My son didn't say anything about it after that day and I didn't ask him too. It's just an uneasy subject we avoid talking about.

    That's about it. I'll keep you updated if there are any changes. Thank for asking.

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    Silverstar,

    How exciting, putting together the finishing touches!

    I can understand your son being upset he feels as a son his father is treated unfairly, he explained to his uncle and thats fair. There are alot of extenuating circumstances and this is his way of dealing with the situation.

    It was good that he spoke to him about his his sister, I am sure if it were anything serious he would of spoke to you about it. In regards to you speaking to both of them stating that you will not tolerate them not speaking to one another once you make the move.... you are going to have to stand by your statement, otherwise they wont put much credence in what you say in the future.

    I still suggest counseling. It will help him, you and your daughter. I know its not easy, life isn't always easy but there are people/professionals out there who can help all we need do is ask.

    Thank you for the update, I am sure you will make the right decisions. Your a smart woman and a great mother! Keep us posted!

    xxSPHYNXxx



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    Sliver, I'm glad your son at least talked to somebody, and I'm glad your brother cared enough to talk to him about it. Maybe part of it is the adolescent mindset, but I think it's great that you're standing by your policy with you all move into the new house (I'm excited for you, by the way!). I hope things get better as time goes on. Good luck!

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