I need some perspective

[nivya24]

So my Ex broke up with me 9 months ago Because we used to fight a lot mainly due to my constant jealousy and controlling such problems. After split we were in contact for 3-4 months Because I wanted to work on things and maybe try to get back Because that's what even he had said after break up that maybe in future if we don't fight we have a chance, but after that whenever I tried to talk to him he was blowing hot and cold and whenever I brought up about us he always used to say I don't know what I feel right and all that.


so I thought he probably don't want to get back and he is saying it nicely and I stopped all contact and started moving and after a month he mailed saying he appreciate me trying to change things but he didn't feel yet and he thinks there is no future with me and that made me come to finally think he gave closure and I continued doing what I was and a week back and he contacts me and says how I hurt him and never tried getting back or replied his email and he was tired of waiting , when I said I did reply he said he never got that offline message .


And in the end he said he wanted to say what he felt for a while and said if iever wish to talk he will b there so basically did he contact to vent his feelings or did he want to get back.Also during talk he said how I actually instead of working I was busy moving on to some one else when the fact I trying to move on by passing more time with frnds one of them is a guy and close to me. so when I asked about email about him saying he doesn't see future with me . For that he said i was trying to vent my feelings so maybe i try abit harder. So i dont know if he wants to get back or he just wanted to tell how he felt.

[Dan72]

Hi there and welcome to the forum,

If I'm understanding your story correctly, my perspective would be this:

He was the one who did the dumping, therefore he was the one who made the choice to let you go. For him to keep getting in touch with you and be upset because you haven't tried getting back to him is pretty unfair and (forgive me but) pathetic. In my opinion, the only thing forcing him to be in touch with you is his ego. Actions speak louder than words hon, remember that.

Ego is a powerful thing, and as I always say on here, there is a huge difference between someone wanting you because they love and care for you, and someone wanting you to want them, but have no interest in a relationship with you. Sadly it sounds like his reason is the latter.

My advice is this; take back the control here. Make the decision that you will not be manipulated just to feed his ego. 9 months is a long time to still be suffering the backlash of a break up. Cut all ties with this guy, and all communication avenues and focus on yourself. Don't allow him to play these mind games with you. So, to answer your question. He does not want to get back with you because if he did, and you were open to it, you would already be together. In my opinion, it isn't really about venting either, but more about the fact that his ego is suffering since you've not been chasing him. So what? When he dumped you he lost all rights to your friendship and everything that goes with it.

Wish him and his ego a happy life together and make the choice that you will not be manipulated anymore.

[Slick]

Yap. Dan is right and this reminds me of an old perfect psychological game :
A man and a woman enter an elevator and as the elevator moves up, a power shortage occurs so they become stuck between levels. At first, the woman begins to panic and starts thinking out loud voicing her fear of death, of not getting the chance to say goodbye to her loved ones and of wasting her life on petty things. The man, sensing her fear begins to feed on it, amplifing it with questions and made up statistics enforcing the iminent death feeling, untill finally the woman breaks down and starts crying. After a while, seeing that the woman became quiet and that nobody comes to their rescue, the man begins to slowly panic and the same thoughts the woman had begin creeping up on him. After the initial shock, the woman begins to taunt him in return with the exact tactics he used on her.

The story is longer and it doesn't really matter if they got out alive or not...it's called a "perfect psuchological game" because the initial roles switch places at the end, the victim becoming the agressor once she made peace with the outcome. Sadly, it happens a lot during a break-up and the games start exactly from who you'd least expect....the dumper. No matter how hellbent on moving on she/he appears to be, they'll almost always try and keep the dumpee in close proximity as ego boost. Here it splits and to be realistic, dumper men keep their exes around for sex mostly (deep down, the thought of lacking a constant source of sex scares every man) while women keep them around for support and comfort. It works and the dumper acts as a "passive agressor" : he provoked the attack by the break-up but encourages his victim to try,perfect herself and aspire to her last position. The victim follows pursuit mostly because it's hard not to give in when the dumper still throws you attention bread crumbs, constantly fuels your hopes and most importantly, doesn give you enough mental space to clear your head and fully cope with the break-up.

The "Role Switch" happens when the dumper begins to loose grip over the dumpee...in my experience i've seen this happen because of two main reasons :

a) the dumpee goes NC, and by doing this allows herself/himself the mental space to (objectively) reflect on past actions and their consequences (you will be amazed by the little things you start noticing when you are left alone) - unfortunately, this procent is still small as it's human nature to want to go through the whole pain and get burnt while trying all posible tactics before using NC because in reality there's nothing else left to do.

b) the dumper makes a "bad call" - by "bad call" i mean he/she makes an error in anticipation of the outcome of an personal action...in most cases, he/she gets carried away with a new relationship, considers the dumpee's presence absolete and severs the connection. Some might call it irony but somehow they end up coming back with their tail between their legs. Problem is that most dumpees interpret this come-back as an act of "love/care" when in fact, the dumper just tries to refill his/her ego from a source he or she knew. It does not equal by any means, a get-back.

When the "role switch" occurs, the power ballance shifts and the dumper begins to beg/cry/demand attention from the dumpee. Hower, the similarities end here as the purpose differs greatly.

Just to be clear, the word "victim" is used loosley above....In any break-up i don't belive there are any Victims, only Volunteers. While i do share a degree of simpathy for anyone who ever got dumped, i'm fully aware that most of the stories here are "one sided" only and people present their share of negative contribution in a very different positive light. Nothing is ever as simple as "we were happy, suddenly i got dumped". The simple part (that almost every dumpee neglects) is : "If she/he wanted to be with me, she/he would be already next to me". Listen to Dan, stay away and don't try to see how deep the rabbit hole goes regarding his intentions.

Cheers, Mike

[peepalala]

i think he still remember you and maybe he realise his mistake after staying away from you .

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