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Thread: My Bestie and My BF

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    Post My Bestie and My BF

    Hello!
    This is my first post and having never done this before, I am a little nervous so please bear with me.
    I have a bf, C, and we have been together for over 2 and a half years now. We never really had a major problem until 6 months ago when I thought I should call it off for a better future. We weren't having fun and he seemed to have issues that he should deal with. From the very start of our relationship, we didn't share the same views nor had much in common and I felt it was better end it sooner than later. At the same time I was starting to have feelings for a friend of ours, N. We are all from the same college and the guys( N and C)were great friends at the start of college. N later started hanging out with another group of people and this led to a sort of fall-out between them both. Though N and I weren't close before, we started talking, getting closer and I used to enjoy talking to him. He called me his Bestie. I could have said the same.

    6 months ago C and I had that huge fight(the worst we have fought). But C tried to talk to me, asking me to change my mind about it and we got back together again. 2 months ago N told me that he loved me and I freaked out(because though I did like him, I was scared to lose our friendship by doing anything silly. I really didn't want to lose him). By then C and N weren't on talking terms and C told me to keep away from him because he sensed somethings weren't right. I refused to do that because N and I were good friends.

    A month ago, C found out that N loved me and gave me an ultimatum. I should stop talking to N or it was over between C and I. For the first time ever, I took my friend's side. I told C I couldn't stop talking to N. So we broke up. I wasn't ready to go out with N and I let him know. N said he was fine with not going out with me ever, just as long as I was around he would be happy. I did try to take time off from C but not with much success. He kept calling and texting, telling me he would be a better bf and that he would genuinely try his best to treat me right and we would never face the same issues that we had faced before. A few days ago, I decided to give it another shot (we have had a long history after all). Of course now this means I have to focus on my relationship and keep N away (right?). Only i'm gonna miss N so much! He was really a good friend. I hope this IS d right choice..

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    Hi Apu and welcome to the forum,

    The things that scream out to me in this situation are mainly contained in your last paragraph. If C gave you an ultimatum, he obviously does not trust you, and has his own issues he needs to work on. In my opinion, you did the right thing for several reasons. Noone should be given ultimatums, especially when they claim to love someone. Having a control freak as a partner is not preferable! Also, the fact that you didn't really seem to have much of a problem walking away from C, tells us that regardless of your 'history', your feelings can't be very strong for him. From what you say, the only reason being away from C was difficult was because of HIS incessant calling and texting.

    Ok, on to the deep stuff. For C to say "he would genuinely try his best to treat me right and we would never face the same issues that we had faced before" is madness. He has not worked on his own issues and even though he would probably fake it for a while, there is no possible way he will keep it up. Why? Because the same problems are there that were there before you broke up. Nothing has changed. He is simply pleading and begging and saying anything he can to get you back because he is hurting. Once he has you back, things will eventually go back to how they were.

    Can I ask, other than 'we have a long history', why did you go back to C? Having a history is not a reason to get back with someone you were unhappy with. It's just the easy option,....not necessary the best.

    All of this really boils down to how you feel. Do you love either of them? Think about that question before answering it. I'm talking about real love, not just the 'we've got history' kind of love. My opinion is this. Why do you need to make a choice when it is C that has a problem, not you. Unless you are 100% sure about how you truly feel, why not just remain friends with both of them and save the relationship for the time when you truly love someone?

    I'll leave you with this thought. You've been bullied into a decision you are not really very happy with, and YOU are the one who is suffering by missing your friendship with N. It sounds like you are just making decisions based on the easiest option. 'C' calls the shots, you jump through the hoops,... that's how I see it. From what you say, I would consider remaining friends with both and nothing more.
    -Peace
    Dan

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    Hello Apu
    Straight to the bone, there are no coincidences...you didn't stood by C's side for 2 and a half years like a martyr and suddenly realised it's better to cut it loose, N entered the scene and from there on it's a snowball gaining momentum down the hill. Developing a crush for another person amplifies the current partener's defects and right before you know it, you suddenly loose interest, he bores you and your patience has a shorter fuse...how exactly does "We never really had a major problem" fit with "From the very start of our relationship, we didn't share the same views nor had much in common" ? It's plain obvious that love wasn't the reason you stayed for 2.5 years with C and chose to go back to him (you "had a long history after all"...history of what ? of never sharing the same views and never having much in common?) and i'm not the one to judge on the reasons you "forgot" to include here, though i'd choose stability, confort and him not having the balls to walk away.

    Simply put, you can't continue to be in a relationship with somebody and share a love story with another person that you fully agree it's more than a friend....it's selfishness and other people's feelings get hurt for your own sake. Your best friend should be your partener and if he's not, sticking around will only end up in disaster. Either you have hidden motives to stay with C or you just lack the courage to be independent and deep down inside you belive that a future relationship with N won't have a happy outcome. If you ask me, sitting around with C will result in either cheating or another painfull (for him) break-up.

    Dan, friend, i agree with almost all you've said above....the parts i don't agree with is seeing him as the agressor (bad guy, I also don't belive he's a control freak) and seeing him as the source of the problem or the person who has one. Try for a second and put yourself in his shoes and see how would have you reacted if you've found out some other dude loves your girlfriend and most importantly, you'd get that vibe that she's into him also....would you sit by, be cool, wait for things to happen ? The given ultimatum is the most decent and diplomatic manouver i wouldn't have chose (straight "bye bye be with your friend") but any sane man that gave a damn would. Don't forget the ultimatum came long after the main source...who do you cut down, the source or the effect ?

    Apu, like Dan said it all boils down to how you feel...but don't step on other people's feelings while you figure them out.

    Cheers, Mike

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    Hi Apu,

    Maybe I'm being an idealist here, but I can only go by my own experience.

    If you really want to be with someone, you totally want to be with them and you know it. Of course you might have doubts or fears, but they're generally not as strong as the feeling that you want to spend as much time as possible with them.

    I agree with Slick - if you don't have that feeling about either of these guys, then it may be the case that N is a bit of a distraction from C - and that, in actual fact, neither of them are people who you really want to be with. Are you happy with C? Or are you just afraid at the thought of being without him? If the latter is the case, I'd say that the case for N being a distraction is that bit stronger. Try to avoid jumping from one relationship to another - you won't do yourself or anyone else any favours by having to go through a breakup all over again after another period of time.

    Ultimately - you are the only person who has the answers.

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