I just cant stand him anymorre

[MamaYogi]

Let me start by saying I met my SO when I was 20. It was a life of partying, drinking and drugs. Apparently I had low self esteem because he was exactly the kind of guy I wanted and exactly the kind of guy I got. Then I wanted to try and make a real relationship out of what we had so I got pregnant, intentionally. Twice. The drug use stopped and we formed a real family and a real home. We've been together 9 years now and let me say it has been eventful but we've always been in love with each other and tried to be the best parents we possibly could. There were always minor indescretions on his part but nothing too terribly bad and I knew he had those kind of tendencies. Then in 2009 when I was pregnant with our daughter he got fired from an AMAZING managerial job for inappropriate conduct and unfair treatment. At first the words sexual harassment had been thrown around but didnt stick. The complaints? He had been seen being too physical with certain employees and treating others like crap. Basically he was having an affair with his 18 year old hostess without the sex. The whole time this went on he never laid a finger on me, not for 9 months. Then in the fall of last year things got really bad. He was completely hateful to me, he would mock our 4 year old autistic son. He was drinking a LOT and was stealing my Xanax. I left him in October. I had tried to discuss an amicable split and he wasnt having it. He told me my options were to leave with the kids and nothing but the clothes on our back or leave the kids and I could have my car. So my mom came and got me and we moved 1,900 miles away with her to FL. Nearly 4 months later I came back. 1- I did not have legal right to take the kids out of state and 2- I felt bad for him. He promised that if things did not work out we could split amicably as long as I stayed close.
Well, things here suck. We live under the same roof but we can't talk for more than 10 minutes without a fight ensuing. We don't talk. All he does all day is lay in bed, get high, and play Call of Duty. I make meals and he doesnt even join us at the table, I have to serve him in bed at like 2pm! I asked him about this and he said "you don't invite me." I dont think I should have to send a formal invitation for him to join his family at the dinner table. Same for trips to the pool and the park. His method is to minimize and deny. He accepts no fault for anything and when it comes to being put under the magnifying he is the victim and the martyr.
He told me, if you want out just say so. So I said "I want out!!"
He cornered me in the garage and said "Bitch you better call a lawyer because I will take those kids from you." My past is shady so he knows that usually works on me. This time I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called my lawyer. He takes the phone from my hand and says I am trying so hard and I feel like you arent. Lets make this work, blah blah, blah. Yes he is trying. He isnt screwing around, he isnt beating me and he isnt being hateful or going "durrrrrrrr" to my autistic son. Yay!!
But, he is coming home from work every night so drunk I can smell him from across the room. Last night I said OMG you wreak! He replied, "so?"
He's also KISSING my a$$ which I dont consider anything pertinent because its a tactic not a change. Once things are comfy again he'll go back to his old ways. To me, real 'trying' would be to quit drinking, be a more hands on parent and get some help for the drug use.The way I look at it, he lied to me. He told me he'd let me out if it didnt work but he isnt. He will threaten to take the kids and he will refuse to let me take anything. My van is in his name, he bought the bed, the furniture, the computer everything.
So....instead of splitting up like adults I am going to have to sneak out like a theif AGAIN. If thats what I have to do, thats what I'll do because he cant manipulate me into staying.He doesnt even care that I am unhappy, not one bit. He says he cant believe I am going to do this to the kids, well when I was little my parents hated each other and they thought they were doing us a favor by staying togther. I know from first hand experience that a house filled with negativity, a miserable mother and father and a loveless marriage does no child a service. We couldnt wait for our parents to get divorced. So, I'm on the waiting list for low income housing 4 blocks away. Im saving money and Im keeping my mouth shut.
Here's where I need affirmations, reassurance and criticism :thinking1:
GO

[OhManINeedCoffee]

Hrm...the way I see it, here are the facts (taken from what you've shared):

1. You are in a toxic relationship.
2. He is verbally abusing/trying to blackmail you.
3. He is emotionally abusive to your autistic son.
4. It doesn't sound like he will let you go without a fight.

With that in mind, I would agree that you need to get yourself and your children out of there as soon as you can, and it would probably be the best thing to do for their sake as well as yours. There is a huge difference between what he SAYS and what he DOES. He says you can split amicably if things aren't working out, and yet he gives you very few options for leaving. Is an order of protection possible?

Honestly, this sounds like a potentially very dangerous situation. Do you have friends/family nearby you can count on? People who can protect you and your children? Have you spoken with your lawyer since? A women's or family shelter may be good place to go if you need to get out fast, since applying for government housing can take months (those waitings lists took forever even when the economy was good). I'm glad that you're set on getting out of there, and once you do, you will have done both yourself and your children a great favor.

I certainly won't criticize you for your past (what's past is past), and I certainly won't criticize you for remaining in this relationship for so long (it happens quite often). And I will give you full credit for finally saying, "Enough is enough." You may have loved each other once, but real love isn't supposed to hurt or manipulate, and he will continue to hurt you and your kids for as long as he is allowed to. Neither of you has been 100% innocent these past 9 years, but abuse is abuse - let's call a spade a spade here. And I will give you full credit for saying enough is enough.

My best advice is to get you and your children out as fast as you can, any way you can, because he will continue to hurt you for as long as he's allowed to do it.

[StarryEyedSister]

Mama Yogi,

It's easy when you're in a situation like this, and have been for some time, to take so many unacceptable actions and behaviours for granted because they become your normality. The bottom line is this - you cannot look at this relationship with a clear and rational eye until you remove yourself from the situation.

The facts of what you've told us are that your other half is verbally abusive and unpredictable.

I agree with all other comments - take advice and remove yourself and your kids out of the house in the safest and least confrontational way possible. Even should it involve a 'midnight move' or at a time when he's not around. I wouldn't tell him any of your plans - again, he seems unpredictable.

Think safety, take advice, make your plans and leave.