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Thread: My boyfriend has been secretly testing me!

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    jenneyes
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    Default My boyfriend has been secretly testing me!

    Hi all....I'm a newbie here and could really use some advice. I guess that is why we are all here though right? Okay so here it goes. I will shorthand my situation the best I can so bare with me please. I've been with my bf for 4 years now and things have been rough lately. He told me last night that he has been testing me, for instance....he said that he has sent me a text to see how long I take to respond when I'm not home. He has been parked on my street at night and if I wait until I get home to text him then he figures that I've been somewhere I shouldn't be cuz when he asks where I am and I say I'm home he assumes something else. He can't recall how many other tests he has given me which makes me mad. I feel like I've been setup to fail. I just can't even believe he would do something like this and play such childish games. Any advice?

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    Hello and welcome to theLoveLogic.com Did he happen to mention WHY he was testing you? It sounds like your boyfriend is trying to be both controlling and insecure. May I ask how old your boyfriend is? I bit more detail may help us establish why he is behaving teh way he is. Great to have you with us.


    SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Hey and Welcome-


    Yea Dave is right. He sounds really immature. Did you give him any reason to be this way?



    Chris

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    In my mind, if you two don't trust each other, the relationship is not worth it. Trust before all.

    Tell him that, and tell him he acted very immature, as SuperDave suggested.

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    jenneyes
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    There are a few reasons that I can think of that would cause him to be this way. While he was married he had a few affairs, not sure how many one night stands but there were a few of those also. That was back in his drinking days (not saying that was an excuse by any means) and he has been sober now for 12 years and he has been going through this divorce for awhile. So yes I met him while he was married but I am NOT the reason for his divorce. Just want to get that straight. His wife also had an affair at the same time as his second affair took place. Complicated I know but you asked.....

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    Jenneyes,

    I guess my next question would be why would you want to be with someone who doesn't trust you? (I agree shoder) In my experience, this is a huge red flag. Regardless of his past affairs, they have nothing directly related to you or your relationship. Remember, you are only responsible for you. If you allow him to "test" (control) you and you continue to allow it, he will only get worse in the long run.

    Set your boundries and stick with them. If he has trust issue because of something he did while he was married, that is on him and him only.


    Stick to your guns! We are here if you need us and thanks for posting.



    -SuperDave71
    "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit." -Aristotle

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    Default wow same here

    My bf says he tests me alk the time but doesn't tell me on what. He said one time he had a friend of his flirt with me n he wanted to see if i would back. yes i believe it is childish. but my bf is not controlling n really doesn't show insecurites. I know he truely loves me n if testin me is what he needs to trust me then test away. i have nothing to hide. he doesnt accuse me of anything...but also we only been together for a year and never spent but a day apart. we even work at the same place. I don't have an answer really. maybe talk to him about it. and say look i love you and I'm faithful and idc if u have to test me to gain trust but know this...I'm not like all the other girls and i will not tolerate being accused of something i didn't do or being somewhere i wasn't. just communicate and go from there. i tell my bf everything and he usually tells me everything.

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    Default wow same here

    Well i just asked him and he says he tests me just to test me. that's all he says. lol so idk

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    Jenny he sounds really insecure. I think its important to understand why things are getting rough. I think that will help you.

    Insecurity may start because of something youve done which is what most people would automatically assume. But ive noticed its rarely about what you did. Its more that he is scared he is not good enough for you. And he doesnt know how to handle it. So he behaves in the only way he can. By doing the things in his control that he can do to satisfy his need for reaffirmation that he wont get hurt. Those things he can do are all generally going to seem childish. Most people cant just simply let things happen on their own. They want to know.

    If he is someone you really love, believe in and he really is someone special then the best way in helping him is to build up his confidence. Its small things. How you talk to each other. How you show interest in each other. Behaviour around him and others. If he starts rebuilding his confidence you will find he wont feel he needs to do things for reaffirmation. If you are serious about the relationship then its about finding out what is the cause. My two bits.

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    I agree with Deriphal, usually these hurts are "old wounds". Things they might not even realise affected them until now, the closer a couple get the more of these things come out, because you feel safe with them, ironically. We all instinctively expect our partners to heal our old wounds. However we are the ones who actually need to acknowledge and accept them and also to be aware of them, in order to keep our responses in check. It's great for a partner to know and understand us well enough to not trigger those old wounds, but if they do get triggered, we should take responsibility for our actions and try to work out what's REALLY going on, because this sure 'ain't about washing up.... ;)
    "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha

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