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How to avoid CARS (You think you know? Look both ways? Epic fail, try again!)
How to avoid C.A.R.S. (yes, I was sneaky and didn't put the separations in, it is in fact an acronym)
If people don't learn how to avoid C.A.R.S. they could kill their relationship
Clash - e.g. You have parked the vehicle where you've been asked you to by the other person and you don't feel safe about where it is, now you are both walking to get a ticket; but the ticket booth is father than you thought it would be.
You think "Oh no, I don't want to leave my car there, I might get a ticket, I would feel better if I stayed with the car or we drove to the ticket place & back." - however you don't say anything (this is a lack of communication and IME lots of problems in relationships are based on a lack of communication or assuming the other person does things or understands/uses words the way you do).
Most people handle Clashes by ignoring the feelings and pretending nothing is wrong.
Thoughts like: Don't get so upset over nothing, you're being too picky, no one's perfect, just forget about it, why rock the boat?
THIS IS THE FIRST MISTAKE! Ignoring these feelings is the first step to disaster. Feelings of Clashing with a partner makes people feel annoyed. If feelings of clashing are not revealed and resolved with the partner (then and there! not mentioned later in an argument!), these little things build up and turn into the second stage.
Aversion - e.g. you are now fed up of his/her attitude to parking, you hate how inconsiderate he/she is, not caring that you could get a ticket.
Instead of just being annoyed people become angry, hostile, frustrated and unloving, it is also a move from being annoyed at a circumstance/problem/situation/behaviour to making it personal and blaming the person.
If you don't reveal your feelings of aversion to an action/behaviour and resolve them; these little things build up and turn into the third stage.
Rejection – either Active or Passive.
Active – Threatening to leave, refusing to co-operate or do what your partner wants, complaining about partner to others, verbally abusing your partner, refusing your partners sexual advances, spending as much time as possible away from your partner, leaving the room and refusing to talk about issues during arguments. At this point people may use absolute statements, like "s/he always/never".
Passive – Fantasizing about others, having an affair, not responding sexually when your partner makes love to you, losing sexual desire “for no apparent reason”, becoming a workaholic; having no time for your partner, tuning your partner out when he/she speaks to you, disagreeing with every POV your partner takes, secretly longing for your “freedom” to leave the relationship and be on your own.
The final stage:
Subjegation – emotional numbness – you repress your feelings and might think something like “It’s just not worth fighting over anymore, it doesn’t matter anyway, I’m too tired to deal with this anymore, everyone has these problems so let’s just forget it.”
From here things only repeat in a cyclical fashion until one or other partner actually leaves, it can spiral out of control into violence etc. The other breaking of this habit might occur because someone recognises it and promotes it being dealt with.
I wholeheartedly encourage people to pro-actively try to spot these C.A.R.S and avoid them!
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." Buddha